Behind Closed Doors, page 7
God, I hope that isn’t going to happen. I really don’t need that right now.
“Okay, so I am Professor Fincham.” I write my name up on the board. “Sorry about the rocky start this morning, but I am here now and keen to get started. If there are any questions to begin with…”
I scan my eyes over the class, noting that no one has their hand up, but that’s okay. I wasn’t really expecting them to. I have found that people don’t tend to ask questions until they are used to me. Students don’t trust professors easily, especially ones who want to do well in life. And law students want to do well. Always.
“Right okay, well today, for this class…” I start with my lesson plan, digging deep inside of myself to find the confidence that I need today. I’m going to need even more than I thought I would now, to prove that I am actually competent after massive fuck up of being late. Luckily, the students seem pretty studious and ready to learn so I think that I might be on to a winner here. Noah did say that Stansford students are the best in the world. At first, I assumed that he was biased because of his job, but now I wonder if maybe he’s right.
I get into a roll, feeling proud of myself for getting to this place, and I roll my shoulders back with my head held high. I’m not just doing this for myself today, I’m doing this for Noah as well. He has put his neck out on the line to get me this job, and I need to make sure that I prove him competent as well. There is a lot riding on this, and I need to do well. Plus, I have to prove that I have moved on from my past life. I am not going back to New York now, not ever, so if I can’t make it work here, then I will have to go somewhere else, alone. I don’t have another friend like Noah who will be willing to help me get started again. A friend like that is rare to find.
What the…? All of a sudden, I catch the eye of someone else in the crowd in front of me. Someone who I didn’t seem to notice before, which is a surprise because she’s staring at me with wide shocked eyes. Hardly a surprise. Is that… oh my God, is that Lauren? What the hell am I going to do? This is absolutely crazy…
I have half given up the search for Lauren, only for the time being because I have been trying to focus on work, but it seems that we two are intertwined because she’s here, right in front of me, ready for me to claim all over again. I’m overjoyed, over the moon, so glad that I can finally explain. That’s been the hardest part for me, not being able to let Lauren know that I was hit by a car and that’s how I lost her number. I need her to know that I didn’t just abandon her because I’m not that sort of person and I never have been. Ever. I wouldn’t do that.
I smile. That’s my initial reaction to grin at her. She doesn’t smile back which I suppose might be because I have been ignoring her, at least in her mind, so this is a shock to her. But it’s a good surprise, right? We had an amazing night together and it all got screwed up, but now we can start again. We can pick up where we left off.
I pace up and down the lecture hall, continuing to talk, just to keep the rest of the class happy. It’s a good job that I have spent the last few days practicing what I’m going to say because it rolls off the tongue with ease while I focus on Lauren. The angel who has been brought back into my life. Talk about fate and ‘meant to be’. I would love to grab Noah and ask him what he thinks about her being brought back in my life like this. Yes, a car sped towards me, lost control, and knocked me in to the hospital, making me lose the number, but we’re back in the same room again. She didn’t need to be back at the hotel, we don’t need magic, it’s just happened…
“So, I would like you to take a look at the essay questions at the back of the number one text book on your class list. You do all have that, don’t you?” No one tells me that they don’t, so I decide to take that as a good sign. “Okay, I would like you to pick the one that you want to start with and get some ideas down.”
I take a seat in my chair and stare at Lauren as she works. All of the students have their heads down which means they aren’t focused on me at all, allowing me to see as I please, which is good because I don’t want to get caught staring at a student like I want to tear her clothes off or something like that…
Woah… wait… All of a sudden, it hits me hard like a thump in the stomach, completely stealing my breath away. I don’t want to be caught looking at Lauren like that because it’s wrong. Because a student and a professor relationship is utterly forbidden and for good reason. Because as a teacher, I am considered to be in a position of power which I can’t take for granted. By overstepping any line with her, it puts us both in danger.
But what about us overstepping that line before? I don’t know how much trouble I can get in for that because we didn’t know, but it probably still isn’t right. If the news got out there in to the public sphere, I don’t know what would happen to me. To us. We can’t just ‘pick up where we left off’ because everything is different now. Nothing can possibly be the same because I’m supposed to be the one helping her learn.
Fuck. I force myself to drag my eyes away and I glance down at my desk, blinking wildly to try and push all of these mega confusing thoughts out of my mind. Lauren might be the best thing to happen to me so far, but that doesn’t mean that I can throw everything away for her. I doubt now that she will want that anyway. It will make me seem incredibly old to her. I suppose that’s how I am. I can’t remember us ever discussing our ages, but I’m definitely a few years older than her which is now highlighted more than ever. Now the age gap feels like a chasm and if I dare to even take a step closer to her, then I risk falling in to that chasm and smashing to pieces.
How the hell am I going to hold it together now? How am I supposed to teach this woman? Knowing how I feel about her? Knowing that I felt more for her than I have for anyone else in a very long time. Even the betrayal of Emma falls long in to the background now, knowing that this romance has been torn apart by something even more powerful. Perhaps Noah was right, and I was supposed to lose Lauren’s number because we really can’t be. It doesn’t matter how much I want to be with her, I can’t now. She’s completely lost to me. Out of reach.
I flicker my eyes upwards again and connect my eyes with Lauren’s. She’s looking at me knowing the same thing that I have just figured out for myself. That we just can’t be. But we can’t just end it there, we need to have some sort of conversation to give us both closure, because otherwise it will always be something in the air.
But for now, I need to get the rest of this class done, because it’s the only way to keep my head above water. I have gotten this far. I don’t want to drown now.
* * *
The rest of the class doesn’t get any easier. I feel messy and vulnerable the whole time, like someone is about to burst through that door to fire me for all of my misdemeanors. It sure as hell doesn’t help with my confidence. But somehow, and I can only assume that it has come from years of practice standing up in a class room without allowing any of my personal life to get in the way, I just about manage to keep the confident façade.
Soon, it even feels like the students start to warm to me a bit, to trust me because they start asking questions about specific pieces of law and communicating their own ideas with me. We even get in to the odd spirited debate, which is always fun and where I find myself shining the brightest. But there is always one student who remains silent. I’m sure that if she opened her mouth, she would have a lot to say, but she doesn’t know how to communicate with me now. That’s something I’m definitely going to have to sort out.
I find my eyes drawn to Lauren’s all the time, even if she is silent. It’s like there is a powerful magnet between us, keeping us connected the whole time, I can’t fight it, however much I want to. She’s closed off though, refusing to give me anything back in front of all of these people, which I can understand. This definitely isn’t the open Lauren I met in the bar just a short while ago. Am I ever going to see that side of her again? The fun loving sweet side that lit me up like a damn Christmas tree? That made me want to be the best version of me? Do I even want to see that side of her again? Because it could lead to some serious trouble, couldn’t it? Seeing that side of her would make me fall even harder and I really can’t fall for this girl sitting in my class room. No way.
Focus, I hiss at myself in my brain every single time I find myself distracted by her. Stop this, keep focused.
It won’t be long now. Not long until the class is over, and I can grab her attention over to speak to me. We can get through this tension and work out the best way to proceed with that. We certainly can’t carry on like this, it isn’t good for any of us. We need some form of resolution so everything will be good again.
Chapter Twelve
Lauren
My heart has been hammering so hard against my rib cage that I’m shocked it hasn’t splattered out yet. I need to stare down at my desk because looking at him is too hard, it’s like staring into the sun. I just feel my heart in front of me, pounding heavily. I’m also dizzy because I’m finding it incredibly hard to breathe. Bessie has asked me a number of times if I’m okay because the breaths that I can get in are ragged and loud. I keep nodding but I don’t think she’s convinced. She probably assumes that I’m a freak.
I might be able to tell her the truth. I’m sure she’d understand since she has already commented on how good looking he is and it isn’t like I knew who he was before I fell in to bed with him, but I’m keeping my walls up. I’m not about to trust this girl too easily in case she betrays me and gets me kicked out of Stansford. I have come here to complete this last university credit, and that’s what I intend to do. No matter what.
Finally, after what feels like a torturous eternity, it’s time for the class to be over. Time to get on with the individual led work which means I can get to the library and concentrate only on what needs to be done. I must be the first person to leap up from my seat in an attempt to escape before anything else can happen. But Leo has absolutely no intention of letting me get away. He looks at his class list and calls me out.
“Can er…” His finger moves down the list. “Lauren Ryan stay behind, please? I have a message for you.”
Bessie nudges me playfully in the side and whispers a little suggestive comment to me, but I block it out. I can’t hear anything that she has to say because it hits too close to him. It sends a chill down my spine.
I think I make it obvious that I don’t want to stay, my facial expression must speak volumes, but I slowly slide back in to my seat and wait for everyone else to leave. The air is thick surrounding me, it’s absolutely crushing me from the inside out, and I don’t know what to do. I’m sure that he wants to look at me, but I can’t meet is eyes. Instead, I look desperately at my twiddling hands which seem to contain a lot of my anxiety.
How is this even happening? I wonder desperately. How has it gotten to a point where I am sitting in front of the man who slept with me and never called me back, who didn’t deem me important enough for even a text message. How am I sitting in front of him and he is my teacher? That just isn’t real life.
This sure as hell isn’t the sort of thing to make my father proud. What am I playing at?
“Okay.” Finally, the class is empty, and Leo shuts the door. The fact that he closes out the rest of the word makes me incredibly nervous. I don’t know what I’m going to face right now, how he’s going to be, am I am scared. I mean, what if he tries to bribe me for my silence so I don’t wreck his job here. “Lauren.”
“Leo,” I reply glumly. “Or should I call you Professor Fincham?”
“Hmm, this is a little strange, isn’t it?” The uncertainty in his tone drags my eyes up. As I see him and I finally really look at him, I can see that he’s struggling with this just as much as I am. “Not what I was expecting.”
“Well, we didn’t exactly discuss work or education, did we?” I shrug. “Plus, I’m sure you didn’t want to see me again at all. So, I’m sorry that I have showed up in your class. That wasn’t my plan.”
“Oh no.” He shakes his head hard. “Of course, I always wanted to see you again.”
“Then why did you not call me? I mean, I get it isn’t appropriate now, but you didn’t know.”
“I was hit by a car.” I’m instantly struck but the dramatics of this. Does that make it a lie? The Leo that I met in the bar wasn’t one who would lie to me, but I don’t know who Professor Fincham is. “I know, it sounds crazy, but I was. After I left you, I was walking home and I bumped in to a friend who I went to get pizza with.”
“Like a date?” I don’t know why I demand this, it hardly matters now, does it?
“No, no. It was James, one of the guys who I was at the bar with on Saturday. As we left one another, I walked away and then this car lost control, its brakes stopped working, and it bashed up on to the side walk in to me. The next thing I wake up in the hospital and your number got rubbed off my hand. I didn’t get home until Tuesday night, by which time you had already left the hotel. I guess to move in to your apartment?”
I nod numbly, unsure what to make of all of this. It’s only when he lifts up part of his shirt to show me a giant bruise on his hip that can have only come from something incredibly serious that I realize this actually might have legs. Maybe he really did get hit by a car on the way home…
“So, you weren’t ghosting me then?” I ask quietly. “You didn’t just ignore me?”
“It breaks my heart that you would even think that of me. I would never do that to you. Not after we had such an amazing couple of days. I was utterly gutted to realize that I couldn’t get in touch with you.”
This changes things. I don’t know how and what to do with that information, but it does. Knowing that he wanted to get in touch with me, but he couldn’t makes me feel all different about everything. It’s torturous in a way because the last few days could have been totally different. Although I suppose finding out that he’s my professor would have ultimately changed things anyway, so I suppose it’s better. Any more time together would have caused us to fall deeper and harder for one another so this would be even harder.
“Are you okay?” I ask him curiously. “I mean, a car hit you, right? That must have been pretty bad.”
“Well, it was a shock,” he laughs. “I wasn’t expecting it and it does still hurt, but it could always have been worse. When I spotted it coming towards me like that, I thought I was going to die.”
Guilt washes over me. I could have been silently cursing a dead man’s name just because he didn’t contact me. It just shows that you never know what’s going on in another person’s life. Ghosting is an issue because it does drive you crazy trying to work out why, when the reason could be something else entirely.
“Well, it’s good to see that you are okay. It’s just a shame that it’s under these conditions.”
“I was glad when I saw you.” He smiles sadly to himself. “Because I thought it meant that I could explain things to you. It allowed me to tell you that I wasn’t ignoring you and that we could… well, you know, get things back on track, but I suppose it can’t be like that, can it? Not in this situation.”
Emotion balls up in my throat, I almost feel like I might weep like a damn baby as he says this. I already knew it, but hearing those words come from his mouth is almost too much for me. It makes me want to scream about how unfair the world is. The first person I have seen that I actually like is out of reach for me.
“I suppose so.” I rise to my feet, ready to leave. “So, I guess I better go. There isn’t anything else for me to say, is there? We just need to find a way to forget that night ever happened.”
He touches my arm ever so softly just as I pass him. It’s only the slightest graze of his fingertips, but it shoots electricity all the way through me, right down to my core. It’s so powerful that I know I might fall. I think it’s because it’s a forbidden touch, I know that I absolutely can’t have it.
“I don’t want to forget that night,” he whispers to me. “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“But what choice do we have?” I shrug helplessly. “There isn’t anything else, is there?”
“We could wait?” He smiles. “I know that it might be a long time, but we could wait…”
“Until I finish here?” Is that possible? I don’t know, but I like the idea of it. “I suppose so. I mean, I won’t be here for the entire year. Just the semester, I’m hoping. I only have a little more to do.”
“So, it wouldn’t be long then. And we could maybe see where things go then?”
It feels like a promise, one for the future, I just don’t know if it’s one that I can definitely rely on. I would love to because it would make life a whole lot easier. I wouldn’t mind waiting if I knew what was coming at the other side, but I suppose I don’t have any choice but to trust. I nod and smile, trying to look like I’m confident.
“That makes me feel better,” he reassures me. “Because I don’t want to lose you.”
“It’s going to be hard to be just teacher and student though, don’t you think?”
“Oh, for sure.” He nods emphatically. “I think it will be torture, but it’s better than knowing you are out of reach for good. I think that I might just about be able to cope. Just knowing that it will all be okay in the end…”
As he grins at me again, I feel my heart racing at the speed of light for another reason. The future. It isn’t going to be a complete loss after all. I just need to focus on my work for the next few weeks to get through it all.
“Right, well I suppose I better go. I have to get to the library. My asshole professor has me working too hard.” I love it when he laughs at my teasing, it takes me straight back to that night. “But I will see you soon.”
I feel his eyes upon me as I leave the room, taking in the curve of my ass. I really hope that he’s remembering seeing my body naked and taking all of it in. It’s going to be a real challenge to keep away from him while we are forbidden but I suppose a little harmless flirting and a promise of what’s to come won’t hurt. A little bit of secret fun between the two of us, a sign of what the future will be like when I can get him back in bed again.
