Behind Closed Doors, page 14
“Yeah, she seems pretty crazy. I wondered if she was the reason you didn’t come out…”
Nicole is trying to get me to bite, but I’m not going to. I refuse. Instead, I pay for my food quickly and desert the canteen to go and find out what happened first hand. There must have been some kind of drama because there is no way that Nicole could have known about my life drama to make that up.
“I want to see him now!” Oh my God. Emma is still here and kicking off at the reception desk. Judging by the expression of the woman being yelled at, this has been going on for ages. “He is my fiancé. You can’t keep him away from me. I am starting to get very sick of this bullshit now, it is pissing me off.”
“Emma!” I grab her arm and yank her away while mouthing an apology to the poor woman who has been far too abused by my ex. “What the hell are you doing here? This is my place of work. You can’t just show up like that and cause a scene. You wouldn’t let someone do that to you at your work…”
“You did create drama at work when you found out about me and Rex. Don’t forget that.”
“No, I didn’t! Not really, not considering what you did to me. But that was totally different. I didn’t yell at some poor woman for no reason what so ever. I don’t even know why you’re here. Everything that needed to be said was done through last night. Come on, let’s get out of here so you can go.”
I exit the building with humiliation burning all the way through me. I have been trying to fly under the radar for such a long time and Emma has just absolutely wrecked that for no reason. I could kill her for this. Why on earth does she want to ruin my life over and over again? Why do I deserve this?
“Emma, you need to go back to New York,” I tell her firmly, trying to keep my voice down so that the students don’t all over hear. I’m sure I will be the subject of gossip all day anyway without making it worse. “There isn’t anything for you here. I told you last night that me and you are done.”
“Oh, because of that teacher.” She rolls her eyes. “Your girlfriend, Nicole.”
Oh God, I don’t know what has happened between Emma and Nicole and I don’t think I want to.
“I don’t have a girlfriend, Emma, and I don’t want one. I just want you gone.”
“I’m not going until I get you back, I told you that last night. I will stick around for as long as it takes.”
“Emma, you can’t just stick around here hoping that I’m coming back to you because I’m not. You broke my trust, you shattered me, and there is no coming back from that. Me and you are done.”
But she grips on to my arms and gives me the same desperate look that she did last night. “I only broke you because you love me so much. If you didn’t care, then it wouldn’t have affected you. All I wanted was to know that you care, and now that I know you do, we can move forward. I admit that I went about it in the wrong way…”
“By having an affair? Oh yeah of course that was the wrong way…”
“Which we agree on. So, that is a building block. That is something we can start on. We can build us again.”
I shake my head no. I’m not about to crumble because she says a few choice words, I am done with her and she knows it. I couldn’t have made it clearer last night. We are over. But she doesn’t take the hint and before I realize what’s going on she rises up on to her tip toes and grabs the back of my head to pull me down towards her. Emma’s lips bash uncomfortably into mine before I can even take in another breath.
What the fuck is going on now?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lauren
Oh my God. Coming outside and seeing Leo with that woman again is utterly soul destroying. He really must not care for me at all if he’s bringing her here to parade around in front of me. What we shared must mean absolutely nothing to him, it was just a little… mistake, I suppose. I’m just a little blip to him.
My heart has stopped beating, I’m frozen still, just staring at him. Luckily, it seems like everyone is pretty interested in what’s going on, so I’m not alone here watching the scene unfold in front of me. I don’t look like a fucking sore thumb as I watch this weird exchange between Professor Fincham and his girlfriend.
“Oh wow, who is that?” Bessie’s voice rings out beside me. As I turn to stare at her with wide eyed shock, I see a similar hurt expression on her face as well. God damn it, what if he’s been hooking up with her as well? “Is that his girlfriend? You know, I was starting to think that he liked you. Clearly, I was wrong.”
“Clearly,” I croak back. It seems that I was wrong as well. So wrong it kills me.
“Who is that anyway?” Bessie stabs the knife in and twists it around. I don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose, but it hurts like hell. “She’s stunning, isn’t she? Wow, what a gorgeous woman.”
A scream wants to fly out of my mouth. I have to really clamp my lips tightly together, so it doesn’t come out. I don’t care if Bessie thinks that I’m being rude or not, I can’t say a word.
And then it happens. Then she grabs him and kisses him, really claiming my man. I have had the sensation of him slipping through my fingers like grains of sand before in my dreams but never in real life. It’s so much more agonizing, I feel like I’m about to split open and crumble everywhere. Her lips against his is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my whole damn life. This isn’t normal, this is wild, this is horrific.
“Fucking asshole,” Bessie growls, anger crashing through her. “He’s still hot, but a massive asshole.”
“You… you like him, Bessie?” I ask in a shaky tone of voice. “Does he like you as well?”
“Nah, I don’t think so. I guess he isn’t the sort of person to hook up with a student anyway. And look at her finger. She has a rock on it. He must be marrying that babe, which means I never stood a chance anyway.”
I see the ring and almost throw up. Bile sticks in my throat. I almost want to storm over there to warn that woman that the man she about to marry is a cheating scum bag, but it’s too embarrassing. I don’t want to humiliate myself even further by making it public that me and him have been fooling around.
“Are you up to something tonight?” Bessie asks, sounding bored. “I haven’t been partying much recently because I’ve been trying to get my head down, but I want to now. I’m in the mood to forget.”
Normally, I would turn her down. Really, with this new information, I should want to work even harder to get out of here much quicker, but the idea of forgetting about all of this is too appealing. I have been turning her and the college parties down for far too long. I don’t want to weep any more over this man anymore.
“Yes, let’s go out.” I nod firmly. “Let’s party. It has been one hell of a shitty week.”
“Shall we go now? Get started?” Bessie’s eyes nearly pop out of her head in surprise. I can tell that she wants to claim me now and bring me out with her before I change my mind, which is probably pretty accurate. I feel like if I went home, I would sob and sob until I fell asleep, going absolutely nowhere. I would fall on the end and never be able to move again because the image of Leo with her would sink me under.
“Take me to the nearest bar or party,” I agree while taking her arm in mine. “I need a damn drink right now.”
It isn’t exactly a smile that creeps up over my face, more of a grimace, but at least I’m not crying. I don’t even know if I’m sad now, more just numb, like Leo has stripped out all of my insides and there isn’t anything left. As Bessie takes me to the nearest house with a party, proving to me that she’s much more of a social butterfly than I initially judged her to be which means the book doesn’t fit the cover, I realize that I need this numbness. This definitely isn’t my scene, but I don’t need my scene right now. I just need some booze.
People grin at Bessie like she’s an old friend, but they don’t really greet me. I don’t know if I’m welcome, but nor do I give a shit. As long as I can get that image of Leo and his beautiful girlfriend, sorry fiancée, out of my mind, then I don’t care. I don’t ever want to think about those people ever again. I need to get over it.
But how do you get over heartbreak? How does a person recover from love? Especially when the love was always a lie and effectively unrequited, leaving me with no closure? Maybe I should have stayed with that older woman and asked her. She’s more likely to have some advice for me to help me. More than the people surrounding me in this room anyway. I doubt any of these people have ever even been in love.
Fuck it, I grab the first drink that I can find and knock it back. Let’s have some fun. No more tears for him.
* * *
Waking up on the floor of Bessie’s room, inside the student accommodation with an absolutely pounding head is not what I want in the morning. My memories of the house party are blurry, mostly just laughing and dancing, acting a complete fool, but not what I want going forwards. I’m a little annoyed at myself actually that I allowed Leo to affect me so much that I acted out of character. It’s irritating because he got to me.
“Morning,” Bessie croaks with a smile. “Last night was mental, wasn’t it? You were fun. I’m glad that you managed to come out with me in the end. We should do that again some time, don’t you think?”
“Hmm.” I make a non-committal sound as a reply. I don’t know if doing this again is ever going to be on my radar. One time was more than enough. “Urgh, I need to survive this morning first.”
As I rise to my feet, I realize that my clothes are all crinkled, and my hair is everywhere. I look a total and utter mess. This is going to be one hell of a walk of shame, without the one night stand part.
“Did you want to go for a coffee or something? That’s always good for a hangover… because you do look bad, Lauren. Sorry, I don’t mean to be a bitch or anything, but you look like hell.”
I let out a little laugh, not offended at all. “Thanks, but I think I better go home. Get sorted there.”
I don’t think that Bessie wants to get up anyway. She doesn’t look as hung over as I feel, but she does seem tired. So, when she nods and lets me go, I practically run from her room. Unfortunately, with the hangover has come a crushing bunch of emotions. I think that I successfully managed to shut them down last night but now they are back with a vengeance. I mean, how can I not feel things when Leo has utterly betrayed me.
I clap my hand over my mouth trying not to puke as I think about him and her kissing, I just wish that I never saw it because now I can’t shake it. Imagining what they were up to is back enough but knowing is too much.
I call a cab which thankfully is going to come and pick me up again quickly because I can’t be on the university campus for another second longer. Anywhere where I might run in to him is horrible. It’s scary. I don’t want to even look at him, never mind talk to him. I know that I have a voice mail message from him, but I don’t want to hear it. It’ll probably just be telling me that he has his fiancée in town so to keep myself hidden away so she doesn’t find out about me. I don’t want to hear him being a disgusting liar. No way.
* * *
After a sleep and more than one short cry – because I guess I do have a few more tears for him, even if I don’t want them – I come to place where it’s time to make a plan for my future. I can’t just be sad about him forever; I need to make a way to just be okay again. I need to make this a blip in my life rather than what defines me. Just a tiny little chapter, not the whole damn book. There is so much more to me than just what happened with Leo.
So, with that in mind, I grab my books, I get myself all dressed up to just about an acceptable standard, and I start on what I should have done last night. I need the library, for my work, to get this damn credit finished already. Once it’s done, I can put this whole experience behind me for good. I can get a job in a law firm somewhere, maybe even move away, and start all over again. Really find me.
I think that I might have lost myself once my dad died. Him passing away took something with him and I need to find that again. I thought that my affair with Leo was helping me with that, but I guess I was wrong. I shouldn’t be looking for me with someone else anyway. I need to do it alone. I have to rely on myself.
I spent my whole youth watching my father rely on himself, but I didn’t learn from that. Well, now it’s time. It’s time to channel that side of him and be powerful all by myself.
My cell phone bleeps, and I notice a message from Bessie asking if I am well enough to hang out again after last night, but I choose to ignore it. There is no more blocking the world out for me using booze. I need to get my head down and focus on what’s coming next as well. I also have a message from Marnie asking me to hang out with her, but I can’t do that until it isn’t totally obvious that I’m in the middle of a mental break down because she will know that something is going on and I don’t want to tell her yet. I even have a message from Leo as well, but that is one I will never want to read. In fact… I hit the block button, cutting him out of my life completely. That way, he can’t contact me at all. I feel lighter as I walk, less like I have a massive weight on my shoulders. This is good. It’s a positive step in the right direction. I’m actually pretty proud of myself because that wasn’t an easy step to take, but it’s done now. It’s over. Now it’s all about moving forwards.
I smile as I walk, I feel better, this is the right way for me to go.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Leo
I’m glad to have a day at home after what happened at the university yesterday. I need a day of marking and chilling out at home to get over the drama. I mean, what kind of hell was that? So unnecessary. And then to be called in to the office of the dean to discuss it… well that just made it a million times worse. I’m lucky to still have my job at the end of it all. Now, I just need to be even more careful to make sure that I keep it.
Knock, knock. I stare up, wondering if it’s Noah. I haven’t had a chance to speak to him yet so I’m sure he will want to find out what the hell is going on. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock.
“I’m coming!” I call out to the person hammering on the door now. “Just give me a moment.”
I swing it open, expecting to see my friend, but it’s Emma. Again. Now she’s become like a bad disease that I can’ shake off. An infection that I can’t get rid of no matter how many meds I take.
“Oh God, Emma. What the hell are you doing here? Haven’t I made it obvious that I am done with you?”
“No, Leo, you haven’t.” She folds her arms over her chest. “In fact, the more time that I spend with you, the more convinced I become that you are still in love with me and you want me back. But you are making me fight for it, and I get that. I should prove that I still love you as well because it’s me who fucked up.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “No, Emma, that isn’t what this is. Just go back to New York.”
She shoves passed me and makes her way in to my house like this is where she belongs. I hate how comfortable she has made herself here. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair. This is supposed to be my sanctuary. Nothing more.
“Emma, you have got to stop being here,” I insist. “You are not welcome. Please, just get on a plane and go back to New York where your life is waiting for you. You ruined the life that I had there, you wrecked my job and my future, the marriage that I was supposed to have with you. Don’t ruin me here as well.”
“All you have to do is give me a chance,” she replied, completely unashamed. “That’s all I’m asking for again. If it doesn’t work out, then so be it, but I don’t think that we should just quit. I don’t think that one mistake should ruin what we had. Just think about the good times, Leo, think about them. They were great.”
But even mentioning good times doesn’t make me think about Emma. Lauren is the one who comes to mind. I’m sure she must have heard about Emma by now and I want to negate the rumors and tell her the truth. But I don’t feel like that is something I can do while Emma is still in town. While I’m under scrutiny at work.
“You want those times back, don’t you? Come on. I know that you want to make me work for it, but can you stop being an asshole about it? Can we just get passed all this shit? It’s starting to piss me off now. It’s been three fucking days. I came all this way for you, and you are pissing me off. I can’t take any more of it.”
“I’m pissing you off?” I laugh mirthlessly. “Then please, go. You know where the door is.”
She glances towards the door and for one glorious moment I think that she might be about to leave. But then her attitude ramps all the way back up again and I can sense that we are in for a long old day. A day of yelling and screaming, possibly rolling in to the night which means no more sleep for me.
“Listen, Leo, this is going to happen. Me and you are meant to be. You wouldn’t have asked me to marry you if that wasn’t what you wanted. You want to be with me forever. Just admit it already.”
“What do I need to do to you, to make you understand that I don’t want to be with you anymore? What more can I say to make you see that this isn’t going to happen? I have told you that I don’t love you, that I came here to escape you. I have asked you to go back to Rex and you won’t. So, what the hell is the problem? Why aren’t you getting it? Honesty really isn’t making everything better here, so what else can I do?
“Kiss me again,” she rasps. “Kiss me and tell me that you don’t feel anything. If you can do that then I will believe you. But I know for sure that you won’t be able to do that because it’s impossible.”
“You kissed me at the university, and I didn’t feel anything. I was just irritated.”
“That wasn’t a kiss. You pushed me off before it could get good because you didn’t want your precious Nicole to see anything. But she must know enough now to understand that she can’t have you.”
Nicole is trying to get me to bite, but I’m not going to. I refuse. Instead, I pay for my food quickly and desert the canteen to go and find out what happened first hand. There must have been some kind of drama because there is no way that Nicole could have known about my life drama to make that up.
“I want to see him now!” Oh my God. Emma is still here and kicking off at the reception desk. Judging by the expression of the woman being yelled at, this has been going on for ages. “He is my fiancé. You can’t keep him away from me. I am starting to get very sick of this bullshit now, it is pissing me off.”
“Emma!” I grab her arm and yank her away while mouthing an apology to the poor woman who has been far too abused by my ex. “What the hell are you doing here? This is my place of work. You can’t just show up like that and cause a scene. You wouldn’t let someone do that to you at your work…”
“You did create drama at work when you found out about me and Rex. Don’t forget that.”
“No, I didn’t! Not really, not considering what you did to me. But that was totally different. I didn’t yell at some poor woman for no reason what so ever. I don’t even know why you’re here. Everything that needed to be said was done through last night. Come on, let’s get out of here so you can go.”
I exit the building with humiliation burning all the way through me. I have been trying to fly under the radar for such a long time and Emma has just absolutely wrecked that for no reason. I could kill her for this. Why on earth does she want to ruin my life over and over again? Why do I deserve this?
“Emma, you need to go back to New York,” I tell her firmly, trying to keep my voice down so that the students don’t all over hear. I’m sure I will be the subject of gossip all day anyway without making it worse. “There isn’t anything for you here. I told you last night that me and you are done.”
“Oh, because of that teacher.” She rolls her eyes. “Your girlfriend, Nicole.”
Oh God, I don’t know what has happened between Emma and Nicole and I don’t think I want to.
“I don’t have a girlfriend, Emma, and I don’t want one. I just want you gone.”
“I’m not going until I get you back, I told you that last night. I will stick around for as long as it takes.”
“Emma, you can’t just stick around here hoping that I’m coming back to you because I’m not. You broke my trust, you shattered me, and there is no coming back from that. Me and you are done.”
But she grips on to my arms and gives me the same desperate look that she did last night. “I only broke you because you love me so much. If you didn’t care, then it wouldn’t have affected you. All I wanted was to know that you care, and now that I know you do, we can move forward. I admit that I went about it in the wrong way…”
“By having an affair? Oh yeah of course that was the wrong way…”
“Which we agree on. So, that is a building block. That is something we can start on. We can build us again.”
I shake my head no. I’m not about to crumble because she says a few choice words, I am done with her and she knows it. I couldn’t have made it clearer last night. We are over. But she doesn’t take the hint and before I realize what’s going on she rises up on to her tip toes and grabs the back of my head to pull me down towards her. Emma’s lips bash uncomfortably into mine before I can even take in another breath.
What the fuck is going on now?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lauren
Oh my God. Coming outside and seeing Leo with that woman again is utterly soul destroying. He really must not care for me at all if he’s bringing her here to parade around in front of me. What we shared must mean absolutely nothing to him, it was just a little… mistake, I suppose. I’m just a little blip to him.
My heart has stopped beating, I’m frozen still, just staring at him. Luckily, it seems like everyone is pretty interested in what’s going on, so I’m not alone here watching the scene unfold in front of me. I don’t look like a fucking sore thumb as I watch this weird exchange between Professor Fincham and his girlfriend.
“Oh wow, who is that?” Bessie’s voice rings out beside me. As I turn to stare at her with wide eyed shock, I see a similar hurt expression on her face as well. God damn it, what if he’s been hooking up with her as well? “Is that his girlfriend? You know, I was starting to think that he liked you. Clearly, I was wrong.”
“Clearly,” I croak back. It seems that I was wrong as well. So wrong it kills me.
“Who is that anyway?” Bessie stabs the knife in and twists it around. I don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose, but it hurts like hell. “She’s stunning, isn’t she? Wow, what a gorgeous woman.”
A scream wants to fly out of my mouth. I have to really clamp my lips tightly together, so it doesn’t come out. I don’t care if Bessie thinks that I’m being rude or not, I can’t say a word.
And then it happens. Then she grabs him and kisses him, really claiming my man. I have had the sensation of him slipping through my fingers like grains of sand before in my dreams but never in real life. It’s so much more agonizing, I feel like I’m about to split open and crumble everywhere. Her lips against his is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my whole damn life. This isn’t normal, this is wild, this is horrific.
“Fucking asshole,” Bessie growls, anger crashing through her. “He’s still hot, but a massive asshole.”
“You… you like him, Bessie?” I ask in a shaky tone of voice. “Does he like you as well?”
“Nah, I don’t think so. I guess he isn’t the sort of person to hook up with a student anyway. And look at her finger. She has a rock on it. He must be marrying that babe, which means I never stood a chance anyway.”
I see the ring and almost throw up. Bile sticks in my throat. I almost want to storm over there to warn that woman that the man she about to marry is a cheating scum bag, but it’s too embarrassing. I don’t want to humiliate myself even further by making it public that me and him have been fooling around.
“Are you up to something tonight?” Bessie asks, sounding bored. “I haven’t been partying much recently because I’ve been trying to get my head down, but I want to now. I’m in the mood to forget.”
Normally, I would turn her down. Really, with this new information, I should want to work even harder to get out of here much quicker, but the idea of forgetting about all of this is too appealing. I have been turning her and the college parties down for far too long. I don’t want to weep any more over this man anymore.
“Yes, let’s go out.” I nod firmly. “Let’s party. It has been one hell of a shitty week.”
“Shall we go now? Get started?” Bessie’s eyes nearly pop out of her head in surprise. I can tell that she wants to claim me now and bring me out with her before I change my mind, which is probably pretty accurate. I feel like if I went home, I would sob and sob until I fell asleep, going absolutely nowhere. I would fall on the end and never be able to move again because the image of Leo with her would sink me under.
“Take me to the nearest bar or party,” I agree while taking her arm in mine. “I need a damn drink right now.”
It isn’t exactly a smile that creeps up over my face, more of a grimace, but at least I’m not crying. I don’t even know if I’m sad now, more just numb, like Leo has stripped out all of my insides and there isn’t anything left. As Bessie takes me to the nearest house with a party, proving to me that she’s much more of a social butterfly than I initially judged her to be which means the book doesn’t fit the cover, I realize that I need this numbness. This definitely isn’t my scene, but I don’t need my scene right now. I just need some booze.
People grin at Bessie like she’s an old friend, but they don’t really greet me. I don’t know if I’m welcome, but nor do I give a shit. As long as I can get that image of Leo and his beautiful girlfriend, sorry fiancée, out of my mind, then I don’t care. I don’t ever want to think about those people ever again. I need to get over it.
But how do you get over heartbreak? How does a person recover from love? Especially when the love was always a lie and effectively unrequited, leaving me with no closure? Maybe I should have stayed with that older woman and asked her. She’s more likely to have some advice for me to help me. More than the people surrounding me in this room anyway. I doubt any of these people have ever even been in love.
Fuck it, I grab the first drink that I can find and knock it back. Let’s have some fun. No more tears for him.
* * *
Waking up on the floor of Bessie’s room, inside the student accommodation with an absolutely pounding head is not what I want in the morning. My memories of the house party are blurry, mostly just laughing and dancing, acting a complete fool, but not what I want going forwards. I’m a little annoyed at myself actually that I allowed Leo to affect me so much that I acted out of character. It’s irritating because he got to me.
“Morning,” Bessie croaks with a smile. “Last night was mental, wasn’t it? You were fun. I’m glad that you managed to come out with me in the end. We should do that again some time, don’t you think?”
“Hmm.” I make a non-committal sound as a reply. I don’t know if doing this again is ever going to be on my radar. One time was more than enough. “Urgh, I need to survive this morning first.”
As I rise to my feet, I realize that my clothes are all crinkled, and my hair is everywhere. I look a total and utter mess. This is going to be one hell of a walk of shame, without the one night stand part.
“Did you want to go for a coffee or something? That’s always good for a hangover… because you do look bad, Lauren. Sorry, I don’t mean to be a bitch or anything, but you look like hell.”
I let out a little laugh, not offended at all. “Thanks, but I think I better go home. Get sorted there.”
I don’t think that Bessie wants to get up anyway. She doesn’t look as hung over as I feel, but she does seem tired. So, when she nods and lets me go, I practically run from her room. Unfortunately, with the hangover has come a crushing bunch of emotions. I think that I successfully managed to shut them down last night but now they are back with a vengeance. I mean, how can I not feel things when Leo has utterly betrayed me.
I clap my hand over my mouth trying not to puke as I think about him and her kissing, I just wish that I never saw it because now I can’t shake it. Imagining what they were up to is back enough but knowing is too much.
I call a cab which thankfully is going to come and pick me up again quickly because I can’t be on the university campus for another second longer. Anywhere where I might run in to him is horrible. It’s scary. I don’t want to even look at him, never mind talk to him. I know that I have a voice mail message from him, but I don’t want to hear it. It’ll probably just be telling me that he has his fiancée in town so to keep myself hidden away so she doesn’t find out about me. I don’t want to hear him being a disgusting liar. No way.
* * *
After a sleep and more than one short cry – because I guess I do have a few more tears for him, even if I don’t want them – I come to place where it’s time to make a plan for my future. I can’t just be sad about him forever; I need to make a way to just be okay again. I need to make this a blip in my life rather than what defines me. Just a tiny little chapter, not the whole damn book. There is so much more to me than just what happened with Leo.
So, with that in mind, I grab my books, I get myself all dressed up to just about an acceptable standard, and I start on what I should have done last night. I need the library, for my work, to get this damn credit finished already. Once it’s done, I can put this whole experience behind me for good. I can get a job in a law firm somewhere, maybe even move away, and start all over again. Really find me.
I think that I might have lost myself once my dad died. Him passing away took something with him and I need to find that again. I thought that my affair with Leo was helping me with that, but I guess I was wrong. I shouldn’t be looking for me with someone else anyway. I need to do it alone. I have to rely on myself.
I spent my whole youth watching my father rely on himself, but I didn’t learn from that. Well, now it’s time. It’s time to channel that side of him and be powerful all by myself.
My cell phone bleeps, and I notice a message from Bessie asking if I am well enough to hang out again after last night, but I choose to ignore it. There is no more blocking the world out for me using booze. I need to get my head down and focus on what’s coming next as well. I also have a message from Marnie asking me to hang out with her, but I can’t do that until it isn’t totally obvious that I’m in the middle of a mental break down because she will know that something is going on and I don’t want to tell her yet. I even have a message from Leo as well, but that is one I will never want to read. In fact… I hit the block button, cutting him out of my life completely. That way, he can’t contact me at all. I feel lighter as I walk, less like I have a massive weight on my shoulders. This is good. It’s a positive step in the right direction. I’m actually pretty proud of myself because that wasn’t an easy step to take, but it’s done now. It’s over. Now it’s all about moving forwards.
I smile as I walk, I feel better, this is the right way for me to go.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Leo
I’m glad to have a day at home after what happened at the university yesterday. I need a day of marking and chilling out at home to get over the drama. I mean, what kind of hell was that? So unnecessary. And then to be called in to the office of the dean to discuss it… well that just made it a million times worse. I’m lucky to still have my job at the end of it all. Now, I just need to be even more careful to make sure that I keep it.
Knock, knock. I stare up, wondering if it’s Noah. I haven’t had a chance to speak to him yet so I’m sure he will want to find out what the hell is going on. Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock.
“I’m coming!” I call out to the person hammering on the door now. “Just give me a moment.”
I swing it open, expecting to see my friend, but it’s Emma. Again. Now she’s become like a bad disease that I can’ shake off. An infection that I can’t get rid of no matter how many meds I take.
“Oh God, Emma. What the hell are you doing here? Haven’t I made it obvious that I am done with you?”
“No, Leo, you haven’t.” She folds her arms over her chest. “In fact, the more time that I spend with you, the more convinced I become that you are still in love with me and you want me back. But you are making me fight for it, and I get that. I should prove that I still love you as well because it’s me who fucked up.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “No, Emma, that isn’t what this is. Just go back to New York.”
She shoves passed me and makes her way in to my house like this is where she belongs. I hate how comfortable she has made herself here. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair. This is supposed to be my sanctuary. Nothing more.
“Emma, you have got to stop being here,” I insist. “You are not welcome. Please, just get on a plane and go back to New York where your life is waiting for you. You ruined the life that I had there, you wrecked my job and my future, the marriage that I was supposed to have with you. Don’t ruin me here as well.”
“All you have to do is give me a chance,” she replied, completely unashamed. “That’s all I’m asking for again. If it doesn’t work out, then so be it, but I don’t think that we should just quit. I don’t think that one mistake should ruin what we had. Just think about the good times, Leo, think about them. They were great.”
But even mentioning good times doesn’t make me think about Emma. Lauren is the one who comes to mind. I’m sure she must have heard about Emma by now and I want to negate the rumors and tell her the truth. But I don’t feel like that is something I can do while Emma is still in town. While I’m under scrutiny at work.
“You want those times back, don’t you? Come on. I know that you want to make me work for it, but can you stop being an asshole about it? Can we just get passed all this shit? It’s starting to piss me off now. It’s been three fucking days. I came all this way for you, and you are pissing me off. I can’t take any more of it.”
“I’m pissing you off?” I laugh mirthlessly. “Then please, go. You know where the door is.”
She glances towards the door and for one glorious moment I think that she might be about to leave. But then her attitude ramps all the way back up again and I can sense that we are in for a long old day. A day of yelling and screaming, possibly rolling in to the night which means no more sleep for me.
“Listen, Leo, this is going to happen. Me and you are meant to be. You wouldn’t have asked me to marry you if that wasn’t what you wanted. You want to be with me forever. Just admit it already.”
“What do I need to do to you, to make you understand that I don’t want to be with you anymore? What more can I say to make you see that this isn’t going to happen? I have told you that I don’t love you, that I came here to escape you. I have asked you to go back to Rex and you won’t. So, what the hell is the problem? Why aren’t you getting it? Honesty really isn’t making everything better here, so what else can I do?
“Kiss me again,” she rasps. “Kiss me and tell me that you don’t feel anything. If you can do that then I will believe you. But I know for sure that you won’t be able to do that because it’s impossible.”
“You kissed me at the university, and I didn’t feel anything. I was just irritated.”
“That wasn’t a kiss. You pushed me off before it could get good because you didn’t want your precious Nicole to see anything. But she must know enough now to understand that she can’t have you.”
