Behind Closed Doors, page 16
“Me and James are out. At the same place as before. I thought that you might like to come. It’s full of people tonight, practically a party. The perfect place for you to come and finally tell us what has been going on.”
I could, I suppose. The idea is a little bit tempting, but unfortunately for Noah not enough. “I can’t.”
“Don’t tell me you are stuck with Emma again,” he groans. “Are the two of you back together? Because she has been causing a ruckus around campus. Nicole told me all about the drama. I wanted to come and speak to you about it right away, but I have been stuck in examinations in my class.”
“I am not back with Emma,” I reassure him. “I can categorically promise you that. She has been trying, telling me that everything she did was a mistake, but it hasn’t changed anything. I don’t want her back, but she wasn’t getting in. In the end she threw a knife at me and I ended up calling the cops on her.”
“Oh my God. Nothing normal ever happens to you, does it? That’s insane. Has she gone now?”
“I hope so. The cops told me to take out a restraining order, so I may do that.”
“That’s quite the opposite to you getting back with her then, isn’t it?” Noah laughs. “Not that it’s funny what she’s done to you, but I am glad that you are fully over now. That’s really great to hear. So, what are you up to? Why can’t you come out? Because it feels like forever since I last saw you properly.”
“I just have some stuff to get done, that’s all,” I reply evasively. “I will come out at the weekend.”
“You better do because I want to hear the whole sorry tale from you. So does James. I think we’re owed that since we’ve been through so much together. I mean, it was us two who nursed you back to health after the car accident, wasn’t it? You might not have made it if it wasn’t for us.”
“True, true,” I laugh. “Okay well I will tell you all then. Just be warned, it’s a fucking mess.” I catch sight of a familiar shock of ashy blonde hair coming out of the sandwich shop and I leap up from my seat. “I have to go, Noah, but I will catch you tomorrow if possible. We can plan some more then.”
He says something else to me, but I don’t hear it because I am already shutting him off and hanging up the phone. I need to leave this bar and now in case she’s getting a cab home or something. It looks like the other girl is locking up the shop now anyway so they could be going somewhere together. I don’t want to interrupt Lauren or get in the way of her life, but I just need one more minute of her time. Just one.
“Lauren,” I call out as I pick up the pace. “Stop, just a second. Please, stop.”
As soon as she spots me, her whole body tenses up. I hate seeing that I am not a nice surprise for her, it’s sad and very unpleasant. All I want is for her to smile and light up like I make her feel good again.
“Hey, didn’t I tell you to get out of here?” her friend queries. “I believe that I said I didn’t want to kick ass, but that I am more than willing to if you don’t treat my friend right. It really seems like you aren’t treating her right by ignoring her wishes. She doesn’t want to speak to you, so you should go.”
“Please, I feel like I’m not getting my side of the story out right, and I just want a chance to explain properly.”
Lauren folds her arms across her chest. “Oh, I heard you alright. Your ex fiancée is so crazy over you that she has come here to try and win you back, but you don’t want her. See, I have been thinking this through and it doesn’t make any sense to me. I can’t imagine that she would come all the way here for you if you hadn’t given her any sign that you wanted her to. You must still be in touch with her, which is fair enough because it’s a very recent break up from a very serious relationship, so you probably still have all kinds of lingering things.”
“No, I don’t.” I shake my head hard. “It isn’t like that at all, I haven’t spoken to her.”
“I don’t see how that is possible.” She refuses to see my point of view at all. “No sane person would do that.”
“Did you not hear how she threw a knife at me?” I exclaim. “I don’t think that she is being sane at all. And that isn’t even including the way that she basically tried to get me fired because she came to the university and acted all crazy. The police told me to get a restraining order, that’s how bad it has been.”
I really think that part will get to Lauren and she will finally see the hell that I have been through, but she remains unbothered and untouched by what I’m saying. Her expression remains as smooth as a rock.
“Because she is madly in love with you, and she must believe that you love her as well.”
“She knows that I’m not. I couldn’t have been clearer, Lauren. It’s all been a big fuck up, but it doesn’t have to ruin us. I’m sorry that things have gotten screwy along the way, but I don’t think that we should give up. If we can get through all of these tests, then surely, we can get through anything?”
She glances towards her friend who offers her a one shouldered shrug. That isn’t great but I suppose at least she isn’t telling Lauren to run for the hills. I will take that as almost a win.
“All of this is fucking with my head, Leo, it really is. I can’t take it. It certainly isn’t helping me get through the rest of my course like I need to before I can move on with my life. I am already behind because I didn’t get everything done last year, and now this is putting me back even further.” Her eyes basically pierce right through me as she tells me this. “I don’t think that we can just go back to where things were because it’s too complicated and I don’t know how to trust. I don’t know if you have done something to break my trust or not, but that’s the part I find problematic. The fact that I just don’t know. I don’t have time and energy to try and work it out.”
“So, we are just done here?” I ask as my heart breaks. “It’s over between me and you.”
“I don’t know.” There are tears in her eyes and I’m sure I must look the same way. “It is for now because I can’t focus on the dramas between me and you. I need to concentrate on my work. We really need to take a step back from one another and accept that it isn’t working. Just for now… maybe forever.”
She shrugs at me helplessly, letting me see that her mind is made up. It terrifies me because I can feel her slipping away, moving towards that strange future which doesn’t include me at all, and there isn’t a damn thing that I can do about it. I have to respect her wishes if she wants to put her work first.
“Okay,” I agree sadly even though I don’t like it one bit. “Okay, so we put us to the side for the time being. Maybe revisit it when you have completed your credit. Just like we decided in the first place.”
“Exactly,” she replies, but there is a shift inside of her now. Something different. She doesn’t know if waiting will lead us back to one another, and in all honesty, nor do I. This might not have happened if we had just done that in the first place. If we hadn’t caved to temptation, then the emotions wouldn’t be running so high at the moment. We would be able to do this in a much calmer way. “We will talk about it again then. Until that moment, I guess this is goodbye. Sorry, Leo, but that’s just the way it has to be.”
She walks off, her friend with her, leaving me alone. The last few months of my life have been absolutely chaos. I have been through so much like a roller coaster or something, but watching Lauren go and knowing that it might be the last time that I ever see her, is the furthest down that I have ever sunk. I’m in a big hole now, and I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to climb out of it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lauren
“Wow, you are like a machine at the moment,” Bessie laughs. “You are getting all of your assignments done so quickly, it’s crazy. You are putting me to shame and I haven’t even been partying at all.”
“Well, I just seem to have found a lot more time on my hands.” I smile at her, still glad that I sat next to her on the first day despite everything because I enjoy her company in class still. “But it’s good. I’m feeling really positive about things. You know, because I’m coming so close to the end, I have even been applying to law firms around the place. I don’t expect to hear anything back at the moment, but I figured it’s worth a shot.”
“Oh my God, that’s amazing, Lauren. You really are an inspiration. And you know what? I bet you do get something back from one of the firms because you would be a kick ass employee. I would hire you.”
I chuckle at her enthusiasm. “Well, we will see. I’m not pinning all my hopes on it yet.”
“You are making me want to really not party. Even if Wade asked me out at the weekend…”
“Wade? The guy who always has the football jerseys on?” I screw up my nose. “No, Bessie, you can do so much better than him. He puts on a fake English accent because he thinks it makes him sound smarter.”
“But he’s hot,” she whines. “And I have just stopped pining over the teacher.” I gulp thickly, not wanting to think about pining over Leo. Me or Bessie. “Don’t you think that I should give him a chance?”
I shake my head no. “Bessie, trust me, plenty of girls have ‘given him a chance’ and ended up kicked to the curb afterwards. You won’t be the one to change him, not that you should even want to. You should find a man who is already perfect for you and just wants to treat you like a princess.”
“That sounds like good advice, actually. When did you get so wise?” I shrug because I have absolutely zero answer to that. “Right, well I’m going to follow it. No date for me this weekend. Wade can find someone else…”
Bessie falls into silence which is a clear indicator to me that Leo has walked in to the room. I am learning quickly and finding ways to not look at him for even a second in class. Hearing his voice is bad enough but as long as I don’t have to see his face, I count it as a win. I meant what I said about him being a good professor, I do learn a lot from him, but mostly I’m just trying to focus on getting through each day and finishing this course.
He begins talking in that voice which breaks my heart because it makes me yearn for him all over again, but as soon as I start taking notes, I manage to lose myself in the work which is where I need to be. Focusing on that rather than my poor broken heart due to the serious confusion that seems to come with love.
* * *
“Psst, Lauren.” Bessie pokes me in the side as I stand up at the end of class. I need to race out quickly as is my usual technique, even if Leo isn’t talking to me, but she’s holding me up. “Your cell phone is going nuts.”
“Oh!” I pull it out and look at it. I don’t recognize the number but that only makes me pick it up quicker. It can’t be Leo trying to find a new way to get hold of me because he is opposite me with no phone. “Hello?”
“Hello, is this Lauren Ryan?” I make an agreeable sound. “Oh good, I am calling in response to your job application to Westwood. We were very impressed by your application and would like to invite you in for an interview.” I push my finger in my other ear to block out the class room sounds and run from the room. “Are you still interested in working for the company and would you be free to come in on Thursday afternoon?”
Excitement builds, I can’t believe how lucky I am to be getting this call. There must be thousands of other candidates who would be better than me, because this is a big and important firm. If they have seen something in me then maybe I do have something to offer after all. Maybe luck is finally going my way at last.
“Of course.” I try not to gush too much but it’s hard. “Thank you so much, that sounds perfect.”
“Okay great,” she replies warmly. “That is wonderful news. I have your email address here, so I will send you all the interview details there. Can you just reply so I know that you have it?”
“Yes, I will.” I know that I will be obsessed with my inbox now. Needing to see this message.
“Perfect, well thank you, Lauren Ryan, it was a pleasure to talk to you and I will see you Thursday.”
As we say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone, I see Bessie waiting expectantly from me. She can probably tell from my end of the conversation that was something important, but I wonder if she knows that she was right.
“That was a job interview, Bessie,” I tell her excitedly. “You were right, someone does want me. Well, not for the job, I don’t know about that, but for the interview. Isn’t that exciting?”
She squeals and jumps around, over the moon for me, and I can’t help but join in. This is the best thing to happen to me in a very long time, so I am going to celebrate it. Even if I cock up the interview or it turns out that they don’t want me, it will be one hell of an experience. A step towards adulthood at last.
* * *
I don’t know if I feel like an adult in my suit, I kinda feel like a fraud who is just playing at being a grown up, but it’s the best that I can do for today. I’m sure that no one really feels right in their grown up clothes at first. This is probably just normal. Soon, it will be the most natural thing in the world.
I need to get used to it anyway and quickly, because I’m outside the Westwood offices, ready to go inside. It doesn’t matter how much my heart is pounding or my limbs are shaking, I need to get through it. But my God, this place is posh. It’s utterly incredible. The sort of sleek place that probably has marble flooring and receptionists that look like mannequins or robots. I won’t fit in, I’ll probably stand out like a sore thumb, but I have to try.
Bessie has spent the last few days coaching me anyway, helping me to get through it, and Marnie has been giving me some pointers about being confident, so I just need to keep those things in mind and use them to help me. I need to give a strong hand shake, maintain eye contact, and make sure all of my knowledge shines through.
“You can do this,” I tell myself quietly as I force my limbs to keep moving. “You have to.”
I have already decided that I am going to see this as practice rather than a job I need to get to take the pressure off. It’s simply to prove to myself that I can do it, which has been helping me… up until this point. But now that I’m here, I don’t know if the pressure is worse because if I don’t prove this to myself then I might fall apart.
The inside of the office building is even more intimidating. All bright shiny lights and floors that I could easily slip on if I stepped wrong, and while the receptionists might not be androids, they are so beautiful that it’s impossible not to be intimidated by them. Instantly I feel shy and uncomfortable with myself.
She is going to call me out, I think desperately to myself, she is going to know that I don’t belong here.
“Hello.” But she ends up smiling at me in a very friendly way. “How can I help you today?”
“I’m Lauren Ryan, I am here for an interview…”
“Ah of course, welcome.” She shakes my hand with warmth and makes me feel oddly comfortable. “We are very pleased to have you here. If you want to take a seat over there someone will come to get you soon.” She points to some plush chairs over in the corner of the room. “And good luck with your interview.”
Wow. Maybe this place just looks cold and professional, but actually it’s more of a nice family vibe. I would absolutely love that. Maybe I do want this job after all. In which case, I will have to kick ass.
* * *
I feel like I’m flying above the air as I walk to the sandwich shop after my interview. I promised Marnie that I would go and see her at work right away to let her know how I got on and that is exactly what I intend to do. I don’t know what I’m going to tell her though because I’m not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing.
“There she is!” Marnie declares gleefully as I walk through the front door. “The lawyer of the year. Ooh, and look at you all posh and in a suit. I haven’t ever seen you looking like that before and it’s good. You look all grown up.” She races to me and throws her arms around me in a hug. “So, tell me… how did it go?”
“Er… good, it was good. Surprisingly good actually. They seemed to really like me, which I wasn’t expecting at all. They were impressed with everything that I had to say and all I have done.”
“Well, I’m not surprised. You kick ass more than you think, Lauren. Do they want you?”
“They kinda made me feel like they did, but they couldn’t confirm anything there and then.”
“No, I suppose they can’t just offer you the job there and then at a place like that.” Marnie claps her hands together excitedly. “But just the fact that they liked you is a great sign.”
I nod slowly and take a step back from my friend. That isn’t everything, there is more to this job than I have said just yet and I don’t know how to get around to it. Because even if I do continue on with my streak of luck and get the job, I don’t know if I can just go for it. It will change absolutely everything.
“Wait, what is it?” Marnie asks me nervously. “You look all weird, what happened?”
“It’s the job,” I admit. “If I do get it, I will have to move. It isn’t at the office here.”
“So, where is it?” she asks curiously. “Not too far I hope because I still want to hang out with you.”
“I don’t think that we will be able to do that on a daily basis…” I suck in a deep breath of air, recalling the moment that they revealed this part of the job to me, stunning me completely. “Because the job will be in Washington. I will have to leave California completely.”
“Oh my God.” Marnie clutches her hands to her chest. “Are you serious? You will be moving?”
I nod, still uncertain if that is something that I will go through with. I know that I have been thinking about moving to escape everything, but only in a hypothetical way. The reality of it will be something very different and I don’t know if I’m ready for it, I’m not sure if that is what I want.
