The Bucket List, page 41
Her eyes closed at the memory of Noeul’s kiss, her touch, and the words she’d longed to hear coming from her lips. They hadn’t come, and it was possible they never would. Jordan feared she’d pushed too far and opened herself up for rejection. You knew better. Noeul lost the only woman she’ll ever love. Beyond all that, you aren’t built for long-term relationships. Tina proved that. Even Kallie was able to find her happy ever after once you were out of her life. She pulled the girth strap through the loop and cinched it down, making sure the saddle was secure. It had to be snug and avoid discomfort for Thor.
Dark-brown eyes with long lashes turned to her, and Thor rumbled next to her shoulder. “Good boy. We’ll be ready to go in a bit.” She patted his neck, as she tied his lead rope over the fence, giving him enough length to reach the water trough.
Jordan pulled the satellite phone from her saddlebag. Pleased she had service, she dialed the familiar number and waited for her sister’s voice. Their typical greeting failed to bring its normal smile. She answered in kind in an attempt to hide her sadness. “How was the benefit?”
“Really good. We brought in some top talent for the entertainment and raised a boatload for the implementation of the software we designed. It’s going to make such a difference in the lives of so many who would never have access to this technology.”
Dava’s voice held all the excitement Jordan expected from her vibrant sister. “I tried to call Mom last night. She didn’t answer, and her phone went straight to voicemail.”
“Uh, she was, uh…out.”
“What are you not telling me?”
“Well, let’s just say she was out with the colonel.”
“Colonel Margo Bishop?”
“The one and only. Don’t freak, Jordan. She looks happy.”
Jordan thought about her mother and how lonely she seemed at times. Once Margo had come on board with the foundation, Dalia’s smile had returned. Jordan knew how much her mother had loved her father, and it saddened her to see such a vibrant woman alone when there was so much life left in her. The few times she’d interacted with the colonel, Jordan had seen how smitten she was with her mother. Her sky-blue eyes would track Dalia’s every movement.
“I promise, Dava, I’m not freaking out. I’m rooting for them. Dad’s been gone a long time now. It’s not good for her to travel this world alone. We aren’t meant to be solitary creatures.”
“And now that we’ve traveled down this road, tell me what’s going on with you and the professor.”
Jordan’s pause must have been longer than she realized, because Dava quickly followed up her question with another.
“Tell me you haven’t shut down. Jordan, I haven’t met this woman. The one thing I can tell from what you’ve shared is she’s not Tina. Take a chance.”
“It’s not me that put the parking brake on. Hell, not only the parking brake, she pulled the emergency stop.”
“Explain, in detail. Don’t feed me any bullshit about not knowing, because I know you can remember exactly what happened.”
Jordan tried to explain everything, only divulging that she and Noeul had made a leap she hadn’t anticipated. Intended or not, it was a leap she’d been very willing to take.
“So, you fucked, am I getting this right?”
“Dava Grace!”
“Well, the way you are describing it sounds like a business transaction. I know you, Jordan, you don’t just sleep with women. You need the connection. The last time you tried, it didn’t go well. Thus, you have opened up to this woman in a way you haven’t for years. I’m not afraid to say it, intimately. Now why do you sound like a herd of wild boars ran through your experimental plots?”
Jordan took in a deep breath to gather her thoughts into a coherent explanation. There was no way to explain without laying it on the line. “I told her I was falling in love with her.”
The line was silent, so silent that Jordan was afraid the call had dropped out. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s lost service in the Quiet Zone. They’d tried text bursting and calls up on the mountain with no success. The digital display indicated Dava was still on the line.
“Watson, you still there?”
“I am, Sherlock, just uncharacteristically speechless. I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear you utter those words again.”
“You’re not the only one. I’m pretty sure I fucked up. I should never have said it.”
“Were you being truthful?”
“Dava, of course I was. I don’t say things I don’t mean, period. You know that.”
“That’s what I mean. Does she understand what a big deal this is for you?”
Jordan rubbed her eyes. “Probably not, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t feel the same, and I’m not going to force her to try.”
“And you know she doesn’t because…”
“She didn’t say much at all. I know, I know, before you say it. We don’t know each other very well. I realize it hasn’t been that long, and yes, it’s probably more of the fact that I’ve been alone a long time.”
“Jordan Moriah Armstrong, stop! God, you drive me crazy when you put words in my mouth.”
Jordan kicked a bale of straw on the barn floor and closed her eyes to quell her temper. “Dammit, Dava. You know what, never mind.” Jordan shrugged and threw her arm out as if she was clearing off a table. “I wanted to check in with you and tell you I talked to Sam last night, Max was asleep. They moved him home yesterday, and the adjustment has him agitated. Sam said he’s pretty confused. I’m beginning to wonder if I need to head home to help. Anyway, I’ll call in a few days to check in. Tell Mom I’ll catch up with her next time. I—”
“Shut the fuck up, Sherlock.”
Dava’s abruptness caught Jordan off guard. “Hey, don’t talk to m—”
“Have you gone deaf up on that mountain? You seemed to have lost your ability to hear me. I said, shut the fuck up. Listen and shut your lips.”
Jordan took a few deep breaths and paced back and forth between the water trough and the far end of the barn. She took a few seconds to release her growing anger. Dava wasn’t the source of her frustration and didn’t deserve her ire. “I’m listening.”
“First, I love you. Second, I don’t care about the length of time you and Noeul have known each other, or how well you know each other, or even how long it’s been since you’ve been in love. None of that has any bearing on how you feel right now. If your heart and soul is telling you that you’re falling in love, I suspect you are. It’s also very possible that Noeul feels the same. She may be too frightened or confused to do anything about it other than what she’s been doing. She let you in. The woman took someone home that was a virtual stranger, and in less than a month, let you share her body. She’s been alone a long time too. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re patient enough, she’ll tell you what’s in her heart. She’s not Tina, and whether you say it or not, this feels an awful lot like when you asked Tina to marry you.”
Jordan violently punched the air. “This has nothing to do with T—”
Dava nearly growled into the phone. “Stop! You’re getting ready to say this has nothing to do with Tina. I beg to differ. It has everything to do with her. Back then, you opened up your innermost feelings to someone who used your body for her pleasure. That bitch used your heart as a doormat. When you gave her all you had, she was holding something back. Something so big that it was an impossible obstacle. What you did, walking away from Tina, was justifiable. That bitch didn’t deserve you.”
There was a long pause on the phone, and Jordan could hear Dava breathing quickly.
“Now, I don’t know Noeul. I do know you, JJ. If you told this woman you were falling in love with her, my gut tells me you have a deep and binding connection. Give her time for her heart and mind to catch up to her body. You searched for this woman all over the damn country, and in the end, she found you. That must count for something. You were patient as we deciphered each clue, and you drove, walked, and swam to reach your goal. Now that it’s right there in front of you, isn’t it worth giving her the time you gave the quest to find her, Jordan?”
Every one of Dava’s words rang true. The arrows found their target and released the anger and hurt Jordan was harboring. Noeul deserved time to process and analyze everything that was happening. Jordan knew she was willing to wait until Noeul had all the facts to come to the conclusion, like any good scientist would. “You’re right.”
“Of course, I’m right. I’m a freaking genius, need my references?" Dava’s laugh rang through the satellite phone.
“I love you, Dava, more than I can ever tell you. You’re the only person I know that can kick my ass and never leave a seated position.”
“Imagine what I could do if I could walk?”
Jordan rubbed the back of her neck, trying to relieve some tension. “I do every day. Part of me is scared to death that might be the only thing that keeps you on this planet. Otherwise, you’d likely be an astronaut on her way to Mars or something.”
“Very true, big sister. Now, deep breaths. Cool your jets and give her some time. I get the feeling you won’t have to wait long to see what her intentions are. I’m a phone call away, JJ. Well that and apparently a horse ride. I love you.”
A chunk of the boulder broke away and slid off Jordan’s back. “I love you right back.”
They signed off with promises of another call, and Jordan stored the phone. She wasn’t sure she felt completely better. What she did have, was a different perspective. She led the horses out of the shaded area and over to the house. It was time to try and focus on the main reason she’d originally gone looking for Noeul, her research project and how Noeul’s work fit in with her own theory. If something else happened before her sabbatical was up, she’d welcome it. On the other hand, if Noeul was unable to take the next step toward a deeper connection, Jordan would have to find a way to close Pandora’s box and get back to work finding the answers to her own problem.
Chapter Twenty-two
THEY WERE BOTH QUIET on the trip back up, only stopping to allow the horses and dogs to drink from the cool streams they passed. Noeul could feel the dark eyes firmly on her back. Her thoughts were back in the truck, remembering the feel of Jordan’s hard clit under her thumb and the powerful climax she’d brought her lover to. It took all she had not to moan out loud. I’m not even sure how to go about talking to Jordan tonight. Noeul was completely exhausted from the emotional turmoil. Everything seemed simpler when she had a predictable life. Predictable wasn’t passionate. Predictable doesn’t wear a faded Cornell T-shirt like a second skin and it doesn’t spoon around my body in the middle of the night.
The shadows were growing long on the tree-lined trail as they reached Topside. There were things to do before they could call it a day. The horses need to be brushed down, fed, and watered. Pip needs milking, and everyone tucked in for the night. Kyo and Bandit need supper, although she suspected Kelly had been slipping them her homemade dog biscuits all day. I don’t think I could eat if I tried. I’ll check with Jordan and see if she wants anything.
The light was fading, as she let Jordan take Athena’s reins. There was little discussion about the division of labor. The nightly jobs had become routine and were accomplished with almost a symbiotic rhythm. Noeul watched Jordan carry the saddlebags into the house. When Noeul made it in, there were no lights on in the kitchen. She noticed the bowls for the dogs had fresh water and food. There was no fire in the fireplace, and she couldn’t hear anything from the bedroom area. She sat down on the couch and dropped her head against the back.
I’m guessing that means she isn’t hungry either. Noeul threw her arm across her eyes. What am I doing? She has to know I drug my feet outside. What message did that send? A thought crossed her mind to try and put it down in her journal, but she was too tired to attempt that.
How much time had passed when she made her way to bed, Noeul didn’t know. Jordan lay on her side, a gentle rise and fall to her shoulder. She noticed that the woman lying there wasn’t naked as she’d been the last few nights. Instead, she was wearing that threadbare Cornell T-shirt. Noeul went to shower, grateful Jordan was in her bed and hadn’t fled to the guest room.
When she was cleaned up, she crawled in beside Jordan and spooned in behind her. A wave of relief washed over her, as Jordan pulled her arm around her own body. The welcome was a lifeline tossed to someone adrift on the vast ocean during a raging storm.
Noeul found herself reaching for Jordan over and over throughout the night. If she woke and didn’t immediately feel Jordan against her, she rolled and sought her out, always to be welcomed with Jordan’s answering touch. She watched the clock tick by. The iridescent, blue numerals kept changing until sometime around four in the morning, when she drifted off, wrapped around the body next to her.
The next time she woke and reached for Jordan, she found the bed cold and empty. Panic rose in her chest until the smell of coffee wafted through the room. Noeul sat up and scrubbed her eyes to try and see the clock. It was barely seven, later than she usually slept. Last night had rendered little sleep, or rest for that matter. She rose and pulled on a pair of soft, cotton shorts to accompany her tank top. She stopped to comb out her long hair and draw it back in Aggie’s gift. She’d stopped wearing her wedding ring when it became an excellent conductor against the electric fencing one night. The scar on the top side of her finger served as a permanent reminder of what used to be there, growing fainter every year. Noeul would always know, even if someday she wouldn’t be able to see it.
Come on Noeul, it’s time to face the music. You broke it. You must be the one to fix it. She washed her face and brushed her teeth before she stepped out into the hallway. The kitchen was quiet, and no dogs greeted her. The missing cup above the coffee maker told the story. Jordan was outside and had chosen not to wake Noeul when she got up. Noeul needed to make this right, find a way to bridge the gap that was forming.
After she poured herself a cup of coffee and slid into her Birkenstocks, she pulled on a worn, zippered hoodie. Coffee in hand, she made her way out to the fire ring, where she found two sleeping dogs and Jordan.
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“You were finally sleeping.”
Noeul sat in the chair beside Jordan and stretched her feet out toward the fire, while she sipped her coffee. “Didn’t feel like you got much sleep either.”
Jordan’s mouth quirked at one corner.
Noeul stretched out her hand. “Is it time to talk?”
Jordan took Noeul’s hand. “In the words of my sister, I need to shut the fuck up and listen more.”
Noeul chuckled. She wanted to meet the infamous Dava. “Okay, are you sure?”
Jordan’s head fell back against the chair, and she rolled her head in line with her body. “All I’m going to say is this. I’m sorry. I probably got ahead of myself, or at least ahead of you. My sister reminded me that although we may be in the same place physically, we might not be on the same level emotionally. I understand that now.”
“Jordan…”
A noise drew them to the clearing, as both dogs leapt to their feet barking. The pinto horse and rider passed by the last line of trees and trotted toward them.
Noeul stood quickly. “It’s Miranda.”
Her horse was lathered and steaming in the morning chill, as Miranda dismounted. “Jordan, we need to get you off the mountain and over to the observatory. Your sister has a plane on its way to meet you.”
Noeul’s head turned to see Jordan’s panicked expression, as the shaking woman stepped closer to Miranda.
“What’s wrong? Is my mother okay?”
Miranda shook her head. “It’s not your mother. It’s your friend, Max.”
Noeul watched, as Jordan dropped her coffee cup and ran. Oh no.
***
Jordan’s chest constricted, as she sprinted into the house to throw a few things into her bag. She didn’t need to know what was wrong. The only thing she needed to know was that Sam and Max needed her and she was going to be there for them. Her hands trembled as she grabbed her satellite phone and journal that lay on the bed. She put everything into her duffle along with a few pieces of clothing. The rest Noeul can send to me if I need it. Her mind raced as she turned a circle in the room, Bandit under her feet. “Come on, boy, Daddy needs us.” She jammed her feet into her hiking boots and ran to the front door, not taking even a moment to look around.
When she saw Thor saddled up and Noeul holding the reins, a wall of gratitude hit her and released the emotional turmoil she’d held at bay since yesterday. She sprinted to their location, Bandit hot on her heels. She slipped the duffle strap over her shoulder and across her chest and came to an abrupt stop by Noeul’s side. As she put her foot in the stirrup, Noeul stopped Jordan and forced her to look at her.
“Jordan, I know it’s important for you to get down there quickly. Please be careful on the way down. If you push Thor too much, he’ll make a mistake and you’ll both go down. Take a few deep breaths, he’s going to feel the anxiety and adrenaline coursing through you.”
Jordan felt Noeul’s hands on her face, as she struggled to see through the tears.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.”
Noeul met her gaze and planted a soft kiss on her lips. “I know. I’ll take care of things here and head down the mountain as soon as I can. Call me when you know something. Give them both my love.”
Jordan pushed up into the saddle and grabbed the thick leather. “I will. Thank you, Noeul, for everything.” Before Jordan allowed herself to say anything more, she pulled sharply on Thor’s reins to turn him toward the trailhead and used her knees to urge him on.
All the way down the mountain, she had to remind herself to go slow, to not push as the trees zipped by. Part of the trail was rocky, and she forced herself to get off and walk to avoid injuring them both in her blind need. She wouldn’t push Thor that hard. His flanks and haunches were lathered, and she stopped at the first streambed to allow the beautiful animal to drink. She filled her canteen with cool water and poured it over his powerful shoulders.
