The Bucket List, page 40
Jordan watched his creaky truck make its way out of the parking lot, as she folded up the table and slid it into the truck bed. “Are we staying off the mountain tonight?”
“No, I really want to go home. That one test crop looks really promising, and I want to check the graft’s ability to draw up the nutrients we’ve been analyzing.”
Jordan watched Noeul look her body up and down. Her center clenched so hard, it nearly doubled her. “And?”
“And, I want to be alone with you. We spent last night with the girls. Tonight, I want to be home in our bed.”
Jordan walked up to Noeul and bent over so she could whisper in her ear. “We’ve got to get out of here, and I mean now, before I throw you down on this tailgate and let you know exactly what I think about when you say our bed.” She watched Noeul’s eyes grow large before dissolving into a smoky heat.
“We have one more stop. I need to drop the rest of this at Haven House before we can go home.”
“You driving, or am I?”
Noeul’s smile spoke volumes, as Jordan felt her discretely run a fingernail up the zipper of the shorts she was wearing. She shook herself and laughed, as the keys were handed to her. Jordan climbed in the driver’s side and watched, as Noeul slid into the passenger seat. Once they’d dropped off the hygiene items, they left the city limits.
When Noeul lifted the center console and unbuckled her seatbelt, Jordan began to sweat. Noeul slid over and used the center seatbelt to buckle herself in.
“Your left knee is bouncing out an interesting rhythm over there.”
Jordan cleared her throat, anticipating what was about to happen. Noeul had teased her mercilessly on their last trip in the vehicle. She felt a warm hand land on her bare thigh, below the edge of her shorts. She took her eyes off the road for a moment and locked on the fingers that were drawing lazy circles on her skin.
A low voice broke the silence in a quiet, controlled tone. “Watch the road, Jordan.”
Jordan tried not to jerk the wheel, as she raised her eyes back to the road. “You’re killing me.”
“My suggestion is you find somewhere very quiet, and very private.”
Jordan groaned. “Holy shit.”
Noeul’s laugh filled the cab and Jordan’s heart. Her mind was racing trying to think of somewhere she could pull the truck over that would offer them a modicum of privacy. Nothing would come to her, and her leg bounced harder, as Noeul’s hand inched farther up her shorts. “I could use a little help here. I’ve made this trip with you exactly twice. At this point, I’d settle for a side road. My luck, I’d park us in someone’s driveway.”
Noeul turned and leaned over enough to pull Jordan’s earlobe into her mouth. The groan Jordan released had her struggling to concentrate on the road.
“Take the next right, then the next left after that.” Noeul continued her assault on Jordan, who nearly missed the turn she’d been told to take.
After following Noeul’s directions, Jordan pulled the truck into a grove of pine trees. She’d no more got the truck put in park and killed the engine, when Noeul unbuckled her seat belt and leaned across Jordan’s body. She pulled their lips together in a furious kiss. The seat began a slow decent backward after Jordan dropped her hand to the side and found the controls.
“Go ahead and move it back too. I don’t want to hit the horn with what I’m about to do.”
Jordan felt Noeul turn in her seat until she was completely facing her. She watched as delicate fingers opened a button on the shorts she was wearing. Her pulse raced, and she felt herself grow wet. “You are driving me crazy.”
“Seems to me, I’m accomplishing what I set out to do. I want to touch you and feel you in my hands.”
Jordan reached up and cupped Noeul’s face. She kissed her and drove her tongue between waiting lips, the passion and impatience building quickly.
Noeul drew the zipper down slowly, click by click, until Jordan thought she’d rip her own clothes off to feel Noeul’s hands on her. When the fly of her shorts lay open, she felt Noeul skim the waistband of her boxers until soft fingers threaded through her center, a thumb landing on her clit.
“Oh God, Noeul.”
“That’s it, lift those hips for me. Let me in.”
Jordan did as instructed and felt the exquisite slide of fingers deep inside her. Noeul’s thumb began working back and forth across her clit, and she felt Noeul’s breath hot against her cheek.
“Does that feel good, Jordan? Tell me what you want.”
Jordan felt the fingers stroke in and out, before the pad of Noeul’s thumb stroked across her clit. Her mind blurred, as another stroke made her tense every muscle in her body. A voice broke through her haze and it was that voice, Noeul’s voice, that demanded she answer. “Tell me.”
“I want another deep stroke, oh God. Please, Noeul, don’t stop.”
A tongue snaked along her jaw, tremors building with each thrust. Again the voice, smooth like honey laced with fire, whispered in her ear.
“And what else, Jordan what…” another stroke along with a nip to her bottom lip was followed by a deep tongue that entered her mouth and danced with her own.
Jordan cried out in desperate need. “Noeul, please, don’t tease. Please!”
“Your wish is my command.”
The strokes, however restricted from the shorts still in place, became faster, more forceful, and the circling on her clit became harder, with more pressure. Jordan could feel the heat rising off her body as her orgasm approached. She was holding on to the armrest so tightly it creaked. “Please!” Jordan sought a connection with Noeul’s eyes.
Noeul stared at her. “Feel me touch you, Jordan. Feel me deep inside of you. Come for me.”
At the last three words, Jordan felt the dam break. Everything inside of her let go as she climaxed at Noeul’s command.
“Noeul!”
Jordan felt an arm circle her neck and grip her tightly, as her chest heaved and her body trembled. Noeul’s fingers were still inside her, as she spasmed around them.
Noeul kissed her face and nuzzled into her. “Baby, you okay?”
Jordan’s breathing hadn’t settled yet, and words were still hard to come by. Noeul rose up slightly and kissed her softly. “Jordan?”
“What did you do to me?”
Noeul’s soft chuckle bounced against her chest. “I think I took you to another dimension if your scream was any indication.”
Noeul slowly withdrew her fingers and smiled when Jordan jumped at the brush of fingers against sensitive flesh. When Noeul drew them into her mouth, Jordan’s pulse raced again and her center pounded. “I swear, you’re trying to kill me.”
Jordan noted Noeul’s eyes blinking in rapid succession. Noeul started to sit up, and Jordan held her close to her chest. “Hey, what’s wrong? Please, don’t pull back from me. What you did to me was nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t even make out with a girl in a car as a teenager.” She fingered dark strands of hair that escaped Noeul’s ever-present cuff and pushed them behind her ear. She cupped Noeul’s face with her free hand. “The life I have with you right now is unlike any I’ve ever known. Nothing has ever compared to this, not one touch, not one kiss, not one night in your arms.”
Jordan stopped and forced Noeul’s eyes to hers, fearful that what she was about to say could easily send Noeul running. Not breaking eye contact, she spoke the words that had rattled in her chest and threatened to come out every time they made love. Without knowing what the reaction would be, she spoke the words she’d wanted to say since that first kiss. “Noeul, I’m falling in love with you.” Jordan watched for the rejection she hoped wouldn’t come. She was holding her breath in expectation of the pain she feared.
“Jordan, I…”
Jordan closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She pulled Noeul to her and kissed her forehead, as she raised the seat back. Noeul didn’t move away, but she wouldn’t meet Jordan’s eyes. Jordan could feel the bitter disappointment rise in her throat like bile, and she tried to swallow it as she zipped her pants.
“Jordan, it’s not that easy for me.” Noeul’s voice trailed off.
“I know. It’s okay. Come on, let’s get back.” Jordan kissed her softly. “If we don’t get going, we won’t make it back up the mountain in daylight.”
Jordan felt Noeul pull away and move back into her seat. She tried hard not to act disappointed, not wanting to put any undue pressure on the woman she was fast growing to care about more than anyone she ever had. She needed to talk about this and there was only one call she could make. She needed a few minutes at Miranda and Kelly’s before they started up the mountain.
***
Noeul reached up and turned on the radio to break the silence that had settled in between them. A few miles before they reached their friends’ house, the growing need to explain started to pound through her heart. Jordan’s words about killing her, had caused Noeul to flash to the last time she and Aggie had made love, the night before that fateful trail run. Noeul was connecting with Jordan on a different level and that scared her to death. When Jordan spoke about feeling something she’d never known, it frightened Noeul. Believing in those feelings, allowing this connection to become a reality, would mean her whole world would change. The question of what Jordan would do at the end of her sabbatical still hung between them without a definite answer.
Jordan’s voice broke the silence. “I need to call Dava before we go back. I checked in with Sam and Max last night. I couldn’t reach Dava and Sarah, because I forgot they were at a benefit. I’ll saddle up the horses while I’m doing that.”
“Jordan, we need to talk.”
“I know. We will, after we get back to Topside.”
Noeul smiled at Jordan’s reference to the name she’d given her home long ago. It rang of a familiarity that felt very natural. Maybe what she needed to do was talk to Kelly, have her help sort it all out. “Okay, when we get ba—”
“We’ll talk, I know. Let’s take care of what needs to be done and take time to gather our thoughts on the ride, okay?”
Noeul nodded her head, feeling the chill in Jordan’s voice. She didn’t voice any disagreement. Once they turned into the cabins, Jordan dropped Noeul at the door and took the truck near the garage where it was stored. Noeul watched her go, before she stepped into the house. From the sounds of it, Kelly was in the kitchen. Miranda’s truck was gone, and the dogs were on the porch, asleep in the sun. They barely raised their heads when she went inside. Noeul walked to the bathroom to wash her hands and splash water on her face. As she stared into the mirror, only one word came to mind. It was written all over her. Coward. She flipped off the light and left the room.
Once inside the kitchen, she saw Kelly with her hands covered in flour and a smear of the same across her forehead. “Hey hon, how was the market?”
“Good, we sold more than half of what we took. We dropped off the rest at Haven House.”
Kelly had a look of concentration on her task. “Wonderful, they can always use that stuff. I took a load of bedding by there the other day. They are always in need.”
Kelly looked up and met her eyes, and Noeul saw the immediate concern. She fixated on watching Kelly form the dough into a ball and place it, fold side down, in a pastel ceramic bowl that she covered with a moist towel. Kelly turned, washed her hands, and grabbed two beers from the fridge.
She handed one to Noeul. “What’s going on? When you left here today you looked like you were on cloud nine. Now you look like someone stole your birthday.”
Noeul chuckled, as she twisted the top off the beer she was holding. Before she spoke, she took a deep draw and swallowed. “I think I hurt Jordan today, badly.”
Kelly’s brows drew together. “What? That doesn’t sound like you. How?”
Noeul pursed her lips and blew out a long breath. “We, uh…well let’s just say we took a little side road getting here on the way back.”
Kelly’s laugh filled the warm kitchen, as Noeul’s face heated.
“And this turned out badly how?”
Noeul shut her eyes and shook her head. “When the moment,” she made air quotes, “passed, she made a comment that I was trying to kill her.” Noeul raised an eyebrow in Kelly’s direction.
Kelly made a rolling motion with her hand. “And?”
“I flashed a bit. The last time Aggie and I made love, she made that comment. The next day, she collapsed during our run.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry. Did you explain that to Jordan?”
“I couldn’t. I’m pretty sure that’s not what hurt her.” Noeul was trying to put everything into perspective and find a way to explain what she was feeling. “Right after that, she told me she’s falling in love with me.”
“Wow, and I’m guessing you didn’t return the sentiment?”
Noeul could only shake her head.
“Is it because you don’t feel that way, or something else?”
Noeul shook her head vigorously. “I’m terrified, because I do feel that way. I’m a coward. I’m scared that she’ll decide what I have to offer isn’t enough. Hell, Kelly, I’m twenty years her senior. What do I even have to offer her? She’s in the prime of her life, and I’ve crossed over that hill.” Angry now, she stood, her chair scraping back on the tile of the kitchen floor. “I’m too fucking scared to tell her I’m falling in love with her too and scared to death she’ll wake up one day, tied down to someone she realizes is old enough to be her mother.”
“Does she have any say in this?”
Noeul was stunned as she looked at Kelly. “Of course, she does. I’m not sure she’s looking at this from all sides.”
“Noeul, how do you feel when you’re with her? Does she leave you in the dust when you run? Does she complain about your age, how you look, or the few strands of silver in your hair?”
“That’s not…”
Kelly raised her hand and stopped Noeul midsentence. “I’m not done. Does she complain about you not keeping up with her in anything? How about in bed?”
Noeul’s mouth fell open. “Kelly!”
“Don’t Kelly me. You’re making excuses. If you really want to know what I think is unfair, consider the fact that you’re making decisions for her. You’re telling her how she should feel and not taking into account what she has to say about it. You’ve been alone a long time. I’ll be honest with you, Noeul, you’ve been more alive since the day you dragged her home than you’ve been since I’ve known you. Your eyes sparkle. You smile when you hear her voice. Stop being a self-fulfilling prophecy and start seeking your own destiny. I think she’s incredibly good for you. Stop throwing out roadblocks on the life you could have so that you can safely stay in the life you’ve settled for.”
Noeul was shocked at her friend’s frankness. Kelly had always been the gentler of the two women. Miranda was fiercely protective and frequently voiced her emotions without thinking about how the words would sound. Kelly was thoughtful and weighed her words, balancing the fiery temper of her wife with her own reasoning and tact. To have Kelly talk to her this way was like experiencing an earthquake in her carefully planned life.
“Kelly…”
“I mean it. Don’t Kelly me! You built your dream home up on a mountain and have done very little in the way of allowing the outside world to be part of it. Before you say it, I know exactly where we live and the challenges of living in the Quiet Zone. I worked in the business for thirty years. You parked yourself up on a mountain that’s inaccessible to anything other than visitors by foot, horseback, or fucking parachuting in from a plane!”
Kelly walked to the sink, then turned and crossed her arms over her chest. “You built the home your deceased partner planned with you. The problem is Aggie isn’t here to be a part of it and never will be. Honestly, Noeul, I’m proud of how you’ve gotten out of bed every day and put one foot in front of the other. But dammit, you haven’t been living. What you’ve been doing is merely existing. What you’ve been doing for the last few weeks is living. You should try it more often, it looks good on you.” Kelly walked back to the table and pulled Noeul up into her arms.
Noeul was stunned to silence. She was scared and confused. Her best friend had gutted her. Her body felt like a walnut shell that had been cracked open only to see that the flesh inside had turned to dust. She clung to Kelly holding on for dear life for fear of the ground opening to swallow her whole. It felt good to bury her face in the neck of a woman who’d only showed her kindness, befriended her, and formed one of the few attachments she had to the outside world. She held on to Kelly’s shelter in the firestorm that was blazing around her.
“I don’t know what to do, Kelly. I’m terrified of having her and even more terrified of losing her now that I’ve opened myself up. All this time, I’ve kept my heart safe. Aggie’s loss nearly killed me, and I was much younger back then, much more secure with my place in the world. Now I don’t know what I am or how I fit, especially when it comes to Jordan’s world or her in mine.”
Kelly took Noeul by the shoulders and pushed her back enough that they were staring at each other. “And you never will if you don’t try. You must give her a reason to stay, honey. Only you can figure out what that is. I’m going to say this…don’t wait too long. You, of all people, know that life is too short to be indecisive. It can change in an instant.”
Noeul collapsed back into Kelly’s arms, as she fought to take a breath through her sobs. “What am I going to do?”
***
Jordan saddled up the horses while her thoughts bounced around inside her skull like bumper cars at a small-town carnival. Her hand stroked Athena’s soft nose, and she leaned into the warm neck. Thor nickered beside her. She shifted to him and grabbed for the saddle that sat near her on a sawhorse. The barn smelled of warm straw and manure. Thor backed up as she threw the saddle on top of the horse blanket she’d placed there a minute before.
