Heartless, page 8
“I don’t expect you to understand—”
“Good, because I don’t, and I never will.” He stood up and scraped his chair across the floor. “I’ll never understand how my father could trust you or forgive you. And I’ll never understand how my mother could tear our family apart over a loser like you.”
Derek watched Mike walk out the door, feeling helpless to stop him. There was so much he wanted to say, not the least of which was that he was sorry for all the pain he’d caused him and his brother.
Chapter Seven
Derek claimed the chair on the other side of the chief’s desk and tried to focus on the business at hand, but it wasn’t easy when his mind kept drifting back to his conversations with Ashley and her son.
John kicked his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his swivel chair. “I hear you’re one of the best damn detective inspectors that department’s ever had.”
Derek found it difficult to accept praise for doing the job he was paid to do. He loved it. He was passionate about it. He took criminals off the street. That was the only reward he needed. “I don’t know about that, John. I had some pretty big shoes to fill when Morris retired.”
John chuckled. “Modest as ever, I see. So, I hear you’re up for another promotion. Can’t say I’m surprised. You’re one of the best damn cops I ever had the privilege of working with, bar none.”
Coming from John, whose rise through the ranks was practically iconic, that was a valuable compliment. “I appreciate that.” Normally Derek would have addressed his chief as ‘sir,’ but his friendship with John made the formality seem unnecessary.
“So, I didn’t call you in here to offer you an inspector or commander’s job. I thought I’d have to sweeten the pot a little more if I expected you to make the move back to Nashville.”
Derek was surprised. He assumed the offer would be comparable to the one he expected to receive when he returned home. “What did you have in mind?”
“I’m offerin’ you Deputy Chief of Investigative Services.”
Derek was rarely at a loss for words. But when he walked in, he hadn’t expected a proposal he would be hard pressed to refuse. “I don’t know what to say, John.”
“I’m hopin’ you’ll say yes.”
He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Not until he knew where things stood with Ashley. Living in the same city with her, knowing they would inevitably cross paths because of Josh, would be torture if they weren’t together. “Can I have some time to think about it?”
“Of course.” He set his feet on the ground and leaned forward. “How long are you here?”
“I was plannin’ to take the month off.”
“Good. You’d be takin’ over for Norton. He’s retirin’ at the end of the month. I have one of our own inspectors in mind for the job if you decide not to take it, but I’m going to level with you, Derek. You’re the man I want.”
“I’m honored.” This job was the one he’d had his eye on most of his career. He wasn’t interested in the politics that went with the top spot, but this position would allow him to remain involved in the investigative work he loved so much. “Thank you for even thinkin’ of me. Seriously, it means a lot.”
“Give me your card. I’ll email you the compensation package later. Have a look at it and get back to me if you have any questions.”
Derek slid a business card out of his wallet and scribbled his personal email on the back. He knew all of his emails at work were monitored, and he didn’t want anyone else to know he was considering another position until he decided whether he was going to take it.
He pushed the card across the desk. “Here you go.”
John smiled. “You know this job comes with a lot of perks, right? A forty percent salary increase, two extra weeks paid vacation every year…”
Derek grinned. “You’re quite a salesman, Chief.”
“Hey, it’s my job to recruit the best men and women for our top spots. Sometimes that means having to lure them away from another force. If I have to play dirty, I will.” He pointed his finger at Derek. “I want you. Tell me what it’s gonna take to make this happen.”
Derek sighed. He wished it were as simple as laying out his terms and negotiating, but John couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted. Ashley. “Honestly, a lot’s happened in the last little while and I’m still reelin’. I just need some time to figure out where the hell I go from here, personally and professionally.”
John sighed. “I understand… I do. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to pressure you. I know you’ve been through a lot with Dave’s death. But when Josh mentioned that now may be the right time to lure you back to Nashville, I jumped on it.”
“Josh suggested you contact me?”
“I’ve been askin’ him for a long time whether he thought you might be ready to make the move. He always said he thought you were happy in Little Rock. This time, he said you might be willin’ to consider it.”
He didn’t know what might have given his friend that impression, but he intended to find out. Derek stood up and extended his hand. “I appreciate your time, and the offer exceeded my expectations. Thank you for havin’ so much faith in me, John.”
John smiled as he grasped Derek’s hand. “When you’ve been workin’ with cops as long as we have, you know the good ones stand out. When you left us, I knew we were losin’ one of the best damn cops this force had ever had. I still feel that way today.”
“Thanks, buddy.” Derek smiled. “I’ll look over your proposal and let you know what I think, okay?”
“Sounds good.”
Derek drove to Josh’s house on autopilot. There were so many things fighting for dominance in his mind. His brother, Ashley, her sons, the job offer… He was so close to having everything he ever wanted, yet it still seemed just beyond his reach.
He cut the engine and took a few minutes to compose himself before facing his friend. He knew this conversation wasn’t going to be easy, but it was one they should’ve had years ago. Derek was tired of suppressing his feelings. It was time to get it all out so they could deal with the inevitable fallout. This could cost him the longest friendship of his life, but the alternative was to continue living a lie, and that wasn’t an option for him anymore.
He walked up to the big double doors and rang the doorbell.
Josh answered, grinning when he saw Derek. “Hey, buddy, come on in.”
“Sorry to just drop by like this. I probably should’ve called first.”
Josh rolled his eyes. “Get your ass in here. You know you’re always welcome here.”
Derek hoped he would still feel that way an hour from now when he’d said his piece.
“Lexi and the kids went to visit Sierra, so it’s just us. Lemme grab a couple of beers. We can head out to the patio.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Derek was glad they were alone. He knew Lexi and Josh didn’t keep secrets from each other, but he was pretty sure his current wife wouldn’t want to hear the intimate details of her husband’s relationship with his former wife.
Derek made his way out to the patio to wait for Josh. Josh’s property was in the midst of five forested acres with mature trees to ensure complete privacy. The house itself was a post-and-beam home with stone accents. It was exactly the kind of home Derek would want for himself if he moved back to Nashville, unless Ashley wanted to invite him to move in with her. He didn’t know how he would feel about living in the house she’d shared with her ex-husband and sons.
“Here you go,” Josh said as he passed him an open bottle.
“Thanks, man.” Derek brought the bottle to his lips. “So, I just came from seein’ Mathers. He told me you thought this might be a good time to approach me about movin’ back home. Why’s that?”
“Like I said before, your family needs you.”
“You sure that’s all there is to it?”
Josh sighed. “You know Ashley has been seein’ some other guy?”
“I just found out this mornin’. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Josh sat in one of the cushioned teak chairs bordering the stone patio. “I didn’t know how you’d react. I thought maybe you’d take it as a sign and back off.”
Derek turned to face his friend. “And you don’t think I should do that?”
“Hell no!” He tipped the bottle to his lips. “Look, don’t get me wrong; he’s a decent guy, but there’s no spark there. I love Ash. I don’t want to see her make another mistake.”
“Another mistake?”
“Look, we both know that Ashley and I weren’t right for each other. That’s so obvious to me now that I’ve found Lexi.”
Derek tried to suppress his frustration. If his friend had come to that conclusion twenty-five years ago, before they married and had children together, it would have saved them all a lot of anguish. He reminded himself that he wasn’t here to spare Josh’s feelings. “Why the hell did you marry her if you knew it wasn’t right?” He set his bottle down on a nearby table. “What’s wrong with you, man? You called yourself my best friend, and then you hook up with my ex-girlfriend less than two months after we break up. Who does that?”
Josh glared at him. “I don’t know. Maybe the same kind of guy who sleeps with his best friend’s wife and waits ten years to tell him about it.”
Derek knew there was plenty of blame to go around and he accepted his fair share, but it was the decision Josh and Ashley made twenty-five years ago that set this whole thing in motion. “Were you so blind that you couldn’t see that I was still in love with her? I was drinkin’ myself into a stupor most nights, flunkin’ out of school, instigatin’ fights on the football field, and you were standin’ by and watchin’ me self-destruct. Didn’t it ever occur to you to ask me what the hell was wrong with me?”
Josh shrugged. “Would you have been straight with me if I did ask?”
Derek knew he was young and stupid back then. He probably had more pride than sense. “I don’t know, but you could’ve tried. At least then I would’ve known you two gave a shit about what happened to me.”
Josh shook his head as he stared out at a deer grazing in the tall grass bordering his property. “You think it was easy for me? Ash and I got married straight out of college. The twins were born within the first year. It all happened so fast. I tried to convince myself we were just goin’ through the usual growing pains, but every time I saw you two together, I knew it was more than that.”
Derek braced his hands on the railing and tipped his head back. He didn’t want to go back. He wanted to move forward, but he knew he couldn’t do that until they had this conversation. “I did everything I could to keep my feelings for her in check, man. I knew she was off limits. I told myself she was my best friend’s wife, my godsons’ mother, my friend. But I couldn’t stop myself from lovin’ her or wantin’ her, no matter how hard I tried.”
Josh nodded. “I know. I went through the same thing with Lexi. When we got together, I kept tellin’ myself that we wanted different things out of life and we were all wrong for each other, but the heart wants what it wants, right?”
“It sure does.” Derek took a deep breath and said the words he’d been afraid to say. “I hated your guts for a long time.”
Josh hung his head. “Wow. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”
“I should have, a long time ago.” He faced Josh, willing him to look him in the eye when he finally told him the truth about the pain he’d endured. “I’d see you two together and it would eat me up inside. I mean it. I felt physically sick.”
Josh set his beer down beside his chair and covered his hands with his mouth. “I didn’t know. I thought you moved on. You were datin’ again—”
“No, I was fuckin’ again. And do you want to know why? Because it was the only thing that would drown out the sound of my best friend bangin’ the woman I loved on the other side of the wall.”
Derek and Josh shared an apartment during college, so Ashley was there all the time, still close enough to touch, but off-limits. He’d see her first thing in the morning, wearing one of Josh’s shirts, or when he stumbled in at 2:00 a.m., she’d be curled up in Josh’s arms, watching a movie. The same things she used to do with him.
“I thought you were over her, Derek. I had no idea your feelings ran that deep.” Josh sighed. “Let’s face it. You checked out of that relationship long before she and I hooked up.”
Derek wanted to deny it, but he knew Josh was right. Admitting that he pushed her into his friend’s arms was the hardest pill of all for him to swallow. “I didn’t want to miss out on the whole college experience by gettin’ serious with someone right away.”
Josh chuckled. “Well, you sure didn’t miss out on anything. I seem to recall you drank enough, partied enough, and played around enough for all of us.”
“I was a stupid, self-absorbed kid. I had to be so responsible all my life, workin’ the ranch…” He sighed. “College was my first taste of freedom. I sure as hell didn’t expect to meet someone like her so soon, before I was smart enough to realize what we had.”
Josh nodded. “I know.” He picked up his beer bottle and clenched it in his hand. “Ash and I were friends, just friends, the whole time you two were datin’. I never thought of her as anything more. She was my best friend’s girlfriend and that made her off-limits.” He smirked. “Guy code and all that bullshit, right?”
Derek rolled his eyes. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have even thought about goin’ out with her when we broke up.” He needed to understand his friend’s motives if they had a prayer of letting go of the past. “I need to know… why the hell did you do it?”
“Like I said, we were friends, good friends. She’d call the apartment lookin’ for you and we’d start talkin’. The conversations got longer toward the end ‘cause you were never home. Sometimes she’d stop by when you were out with the boys…”
Derek gripped the railing behind him. He didn’t want to ask, but he needed answers. “Did anything happen between you while we were together?”
Josh scowled. “No, never.”
“You can’t blame me for askin’, man.”
“No, I guess I can’t.” Josh brought the beer bottle to his lips. “I didn’t want to fall for her. Hell, it’s not what she wanted either. We both tried fighting it. The first time we kissed—”
Derek held up his hand. “I don’t need to know the details.”
Josh closed his eyes. “We both cared about you. We knew what we were feeling was wrong, but…”
“You couldn’t help yourselves, right?” He understood that feeling too well. He felt the same way the night of the storm, the night he and Ashley made love and she made the decision to end her marriage. “It’s okay. What you did was no worse than what I did. I’ve been feelin’ like shit about it all these years, but there was a part of me that was still bitter and resentful about what you guys did to me back in college.”
Josh looked him in the eye. “Don’t blame her. She didn’t owe you a damn thing. You treated her like she was invisible long before she dumped you.”
Derek wanted to defend himself, but he couldn’t. Josh was right. “You don’t think I know that?”
“If you want to blame someone for what happened back then, you’re lookin’ at him. I should’ve had the self-control to put an end to it. Hell, at the very least I could’ve come you to before we slept together.”
Derek turned away and braced his hands on the railing. It shouldn’t hurt this much after so many years, but it did. Josh was the father of Ashley’s children. Logically, Derek knew they’d made love hundreds of times during the ten years they were together, but the thought of that first time, the night they made the decision to be intimate, still cut the deepest.
“Why didn’t you?”
“I didn’t want to lose your friendship. You were like a brother to me. When I finally asked you if you minded, do you remember what you said?”
“Yeah. I told you to do whatever the fuck you wanted with her.” Derek sighed. “I said I didn’t give a shit.” By that time, he knew it was too late to stop them from falling in love. He already saw the way Ashley looked at Josh. The same way she used to look at him. “But you asked me about it after the fact. It was already a done deal. You were in love with her. She was in love with you. I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.”
“Why’d you agree to be the best man at our weddin’, godfather to our boys…?” Josh released a gusty sigh. “Jesus… man, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for you.”
He turned to face Josh again. “No, you can’t.” He folded his arms across his chest. “Those were the happiest days of your life, but they were the most miserable of mine. I thought…” He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t a quitter, and acknowledging how close he came to quitting just reminded him of how lost he was back then.
“You thought… what?”
What the hell? He’d come this far, might as well go all the way. “The night the twins were born, seeing how happy you two were, knowing I’d never have that for myself… I thought about pullin’ my car into the garage, closin’ the door, and just fallin’ asleep. I didn’t want to wake up because I knew if I did, nothin’ would ever be the same again. You and Ashley had a bond that nothin’ and no one would ever be able to break. You were the father of her children, the love of her life, and I was just some guy from her past, a distant memory.”
“My God,” Josh said, dropping his head into his hands. “I had no idea. I mean, I didn’t know you still felt that way about her even after we were married. You never let on. You treated her the same way you did Sierra or any of our other friend’s wives or girlfriends.”
Derek smirked. “I was a damn good actor, wasn’t I?”
“Better than she was. I saw it every time she looked at you.” Josh looked him in the eye. “Sometimes, I’d come in and she’d be standin’ at the kitchen window watchin’ you play in the pool with the boys or tossin’ the football around, and I knew she was wishin’ that you had been the father of her children instead of me.”
