Heartless, page 12
Within twenty minutes, she was pulling into the separate drive leading to the log cabin where Derek was staying. How would he feel about her surprise visit? She could see a light in the great room and the flicker of the big screen TV bouncing off the opposing wall, so she decided to take her chances.
She drew a deep breath as she ascended the stairs leading to the wraparound porch. It was difficult to draw enough air into her lungs as she lifted her trembling hand to the door. She’d never propositioned a man before, and the thought was utterly terrifying… and humiliating. Before her hand connected with the heavy wood panel, she turned away, deciding this was one of her more absurd ideas.
Derek opened the door and reached out to grab her arm. “Ash? Hey, I thought I heard someone out here. What’re you doin’ on my doorstep at this hour?”
Ashley was mortified, being caught on his porch in the wee hours of the morning. There was no reasonable excuse, so she decided to tell him the truth and hope she would survive the embarrassment. “I was lonely, and, um, I couldn’t sleep.” She cleared her throat, trying to sound braver than she felt. “So, I thought I’d go out for a drive, and I ended up here. I hope I’m not bothering you.”
He pulled her forward into his arms. “I should lecture you about drivin’ alone out here at night, but I’m just so glad to see you.”
With just a few words, her tension melted away. She allowed him to shelter her in his big, strong arms, knowing it had been years since she’d felt so safe, so protected, so loved. “I know it sounds silly, but I missed you,” she whispered, burying her face into the soft cotton of his T-shirt.
He chuckled. “Why do you think I was sittin’ here watchin’ Three’s Company reruns?”
She laughed. “You hated that show when we were together.”
“Nah, I just told you I did so you’d let me watch M.A.S.H. instead.”
She’d loved the playfulness that had defined their relationship when they were younger. Maybe, just maybe, they could recapture some of that. “You gonna invite me in so I can watch it with you?”
He shrugged. “Sure, but we’ve already seen it. This is the episode where Janet and Jack pretend to be married to appease her parents.”
Ashley pushed him out of the way and claimed a spot on the big leather sofa. A few mindless laughs with the man she loved at her side were exactly what she needed tonight. “Aw, I love this one. I haven’t watched this show in ages.” She looked up at him when she realized he was still standing there watching her. “Aren’t you gonna make popcorn?”
Derek threw his head back and laughed. The sound reverberated through the room and sent chills up her spine. She knew she would never tire of hearing that sound as long as she lived.
“Of course,” he said, smiling. “What’s a sitcom marathon without hot, buttered popcorn?”
Her mouth fell open. “You didn’t tell me it was a marathon.” She reached for the remote control to make sure he wasn’t baiting her. “Ohhh, you’d better make it a big bowl.”
He grinned. “Comin’ right up. You want anything to drink?”
She tipped her head to one side as though he’d lost his mind. “You’re not serious.”
He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Of course. What was I thinkin’? You always drink Diet Coke with your popcorn, right?”
She smiled and nodded as she watched him walk into the adjoining kitchen.
It was so nice to be with someone who knew her so well. There was a time when Derek had known her better than anyone: her likes, dislikes, fears, and dreams. She couldn’t help but wonder how much had changed during the years they’d been apart. Would they be just comfortable strangers now, or would they be able to pick up where they left off twenty-five years ago?
Derek could scarcely believe Ashley was here. He’d conjured her up in his dreams so many times over the years that he couldn’t be sure this wasn’t another one of those times. But the sound of her soft laughter coming from the other room reassured him that she was here with him, of her own volition. They were both single, consenting adults who were finally free to pursue the relationship they’d always wanted, and he didn’t intend to let this opportunity slip away.
When he walked back into the room, she was holding a framed photograph of Dave wearing his dress uniform. It was the last photograph taken of him, and his wife and kids were at his side. They were all smiling, looking so happy. Derek wondered if any of them could have imagined when that photo was taken that it would be the last image any of them would have of Dave alive.
She stroked the glass covering the photo, a sad smile tilting her full mouth. “He was so handsome, so brave.”
Derek cleared his throat. Ashley was one of the few people who understood his relationship with Dave, how much his brother impacted his life and career choice. “My life will never be the same. I can’t imagine a day goin’ by when I don’t think about him.”
She set the photo back in its rightful place on the heavy oak end table at her side and nodded. “I’m sure you’re right, but you have to hold on to the good memories you had with him.”
He sat on the leather ottoman across from her and hung his head. He didn’t trust himself to get too close to her when he was feeling so vulnerable. “I have to hope that’ll get easier. So far, it hurts too damn much to allow myself to go there, ya know?”
Ashley got up and sat on the ottoman beside him. She stroked his back as she leaned her head on his shoulder. “You ever heard that Garth Brooks song, ‘The Dance?’”
He nodded. “Sure. What about it?”
“It talks about a lost love and questions whether you’d still invite that person into your life if you knew they were only going to leave you in the end. Would you trade one moment you spent with Dave if you knew losing him was going to cause you this much pain?”
He couldn’t imagine trading his time with Dave for anything. His relationship with his older brother defined his life in a way nothing else had. Dave’s fearlessness prompted Derek to choose a career in law enforcement, and that was a decision he would never regret.
“No… never. I don’t know where the hell I’d be or what I’d be doin’ without him. He helped me find my way, sort out my life. He taught me to face my fears and get the job done, no matter the cost.”
She smiled. “Most people aren’t lucky enough to have a role model like that in their lives. I’m grateful my boys had two men like that to look up to during their formative years.”
Derek shook his head, trying to deny her claim. He didn’t feel he was fit to be called a good role model. In his mind, he wasn’t even in the same league as Dave. His brother would never have walked away without a backward glance. He would’ve stayed and fought for a relationship with Ashley and her kids. “Josh was a good role model for your boys, no question about it.”
“Mike said he became a cop because of you, not Josh.”
Derek reared back, stunned by her claim. “What’re you talkin’ about?”
“He was about fourteen at the time. It was before he found out about what happened between you and me…”
“Go on.”
“By that time, Josh had already left the force to join Trey’s team. We were sitting around one Saturday night watching some action adventure movie on TV, and I asked the boys what they wanted to be when they grew up.”
Derek held his breath, waiting for her to continue.
“Jay had been practicing martial arts since he was four, so that was a no-brainer. But what Mike said surprised me.”
Derek cleared his throat, trying to find his voice. “What did he say?”
“He said he wanted to be the kind of cop you were.”
“Me?” Derek didn’t feel he deserved Mike’s praise after the mistakes he’d made. “What about his dad? Josh was a damn good cop.”
“He said you were so passionate about it. You’d tell him stories about the calls you went on, and you’d get this look in your eye, like you had the best job in the world.”
Derek allowed himself to smile at the memory. He’d often take the boys out, just the three of them, for ice cream, to the car races, batting cages, or just out for burgers, and they’d talk for hours. Mike was always curious about his job, and Derek looked forward to telling him the sanitized version of the week’s events. He knew from the spark in Mike’s eye that he would one day share his passion for law enforcement.
“From the stories I hear, your son’s already one hell of a detective. To move through the ranks as quickly as he has, that’s no small feat.”
She smiled. “I know; I’m so proud of him. Of you, too. That new job you’ve been offered says a lot about your ability, the way you’re perceived by your peers. Josh told me the chief doesn’t even want to consider anyone else for the position. He only wants you.”
Derek still hadn’t told her he’d decided to stay in Nashville. “I’ve decided to accept the job offer, Ash.”
She threw her arms around his neck and squealed. “Oh my God, I’m so happy for you, for your family. You’re moving back home. I can’t believe it.”
He was relieved that she was as excited as he was about his decision to stay. “Nashville is my home,” he said, holding her close. “Always has been; always will be.” After all this time, he was finally ready to admit something he should have had the courage to acknowledge years ago… His home was anywhere Ashley was.
She framed his face with her hands. “I’ve dreamed of this for so long, you coming home. I never really thought it would happen.” Her smile fell. “I kept waiting to hear that you’d met someone out in Arkansas, that you were getting married, or getting ready to be a daddy, or…”
He could see the sadness in her eyes and he wanted to say or do anything to ignite that spark of joy again. “I never even came close.”
“I can’t believe that. Look at you… You’re the kind of husband any woman would want.”
“How ‘bout you? Am I the kind of husband you’d want?” He knew it was too soon to be talking about forever. They had to get to know each other all over again, figure out if they were still compatible, and he still had to overcome a huge hurdle with her son.
“You know you are,” she whispered. She closed her eyes. “I’ve imagined what it would be like to be married to you a million times over the years.” She let her hands fall to her lap. “I pictured our life together…”
He held her hands in his as he shifted his body to face her. “Tell me about it. Tell me what you envisioned for us.”
“I can’t.” She shook her head. “It’s silly. I—”
He pressed his fingertip to her lip to silence her protest. “It’s just you and me, sweetheart. No fear. This is a judgement free zone. We can say whatever we want to each other.”
Ashley smiled. “There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to you for so long. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Close your eyes,” he whispered.
She did as he asked, without hesitation.
“Just tell me about that life you dreamed about for us. I want to know everything, every detail.” He knew he couldn’t make her dreams come true unless he knew what they were. He had a new mission in life, and it had nothing to do with taking criminals off the streets. His mission was to finally make all of her dreams come true.
She grinned. “Okay. Well, I imagined we’d be living here in Nashville…”
“In your house?” He hoped that wasn’t the case. He’d thought about it a lot over the last few days. He wanted to make new memories with Ashley, and he knew living in the home she’d shared with her family would be a constant reminder of the past. He wanted her to imagine a future with him. They could be so much more than the past they shared, if only she was willing to take that leap of faith with him.
“No.” She sighed. “I haven’t been able to think about selling the house because of all the memories. The thought of starting over somewhere new, by myself, was too scary to contemplate, so I just stayed. But I feel like I might be ready to make a change now.”
Their eyes were still closed, but he leaned in to kiss her. He was so grateful she shared his desire to move on to a home of their own, a place where they could start over. “I’m glad to hear that. Go on, tell me more.”
“I love what I do, and I know you do, too. I could imagine us both working for another ten years or so. But it would be nice if we could have the summers off to spend together.”
Derek knew his new position offered eight weeks paid vacation. He would just have to ensure he would be able to take those weeks consecutively. “What would we do during those long, lazy days of summer?” He opened his eyes to see a pretty pink blush creep up her neck, staining her cheeks.
“I was thinking we could buy a little cabin on one of the big lakes. We could go swimming, fishing, waterskiing, or just lounge on the beach.” She shrugged. “Maybe we could have the boys up sometimes or invite our friends?”
He knew it would be a long time before he was comfortable sharing her with the world, but he would do anything to make her happy. If she wanted a parade of people in and out of their home at all hours, he’d be willing to go along for the ride. It didn’t matter; none of it mattered, as long as he had her in his life again. “I love the sound of that.”
She opened her eyes to look at him, seemingly surprised by his easy acceptance of her vision for their future. “You do?”
He set his hands on either side of her head, pulling her closer. “I do.”
She smiled a smile big enough and bright enough to light up his world, a world that had been shrouded in darkness too long. “I was thinking when we retire we could do some traveling. Remember, we used to talk about that when we were kids?”
He allowed himself the luxury of slipping back in time. “I remember everything, Ash.”
She braced her hands on his shoulders as she looked into his eyes. “How is it even possible that I still love you as much now as I did back then? We should feel like strangers, but it’s like no time has passed since we fell in love.”
He couldn’t speak, couldn’t concur, though his heart was expanding to fill his chest. She’d caught him so off-guard when she told him she still loved him. He’d been hoping, praying he would hear her say those words to him again someday, but he never expected today to be that day.
She drew her bottom lip between her teeth before she said, “I’m sorry. Am I getting ahead of myself?”
“No,” he whispered. He pulled her into his arms as he buried his face in her hair. “God, no. I love you, honey. I’ve never stopped loving you.”
She pulled back to look at him, her eyes traveling over his face as though she was searching for a hint of doubt. “Really? Are you sure?”
He grinned. “Of course I’m sure. How can you even ask me that?”
Twin tears left trails on her cheeks. “This is just so much more than I ever expected, ever dared to hope for. The only thing that would make it perfect is if Mike supported us.”
“He will, sweetheart. It’ll just take some time. Whatever it takes to win him over, I’m willing to do it. Not just because I want you to be happy, but because I want him in my life again. I missed him, and whether he’s willing to admit it or not, I think he missed me, too.”
Chapter Twelve
Ashley didn’t want to think like a mother anymore. She wanted to think like a woman, a woman intent on pleasuring her man.
She climbed into Derek’s lap, straddling him.
He grabbed her waist. “Uh… darlin’… I…”
She pressed her lips to his mouth, taking advantage of the fact his guard was down to slide her tongue between the seam of his lips so she could once again taste the unique flavor that had been taunting her all night.
He couldn’t expect her to be satisfied with the one kiss he’d given her on Josh’s deck earlier. That didn’t even scratch the surface. They had long, lonely years to make up for, starting now.
Ashley pressed her hand against his chest, forcing him back on the oversized chair. “I want you,” she whispered as she kissed the light stubble covering his jaw. “I’ve wanted you for so long, but I thought I had to deny myself, deny us. I don’t want to do that anymore. Let’s take what we want. Here, now… tonight.”
He groaned and closed his eyes when she pressed her softness into the ridge of his jeans. “Honey, you don’t know how much I want to, but…”
Her hands quickly worked the buttons on his shirt. She didn’t want him to talk her out of this. She’d played it safe for too long. Tonight was about taking risks and obliterating boundaries. “I can feel how much you want me.” She drew his earlobe into her mouth, grazing it with her teeth. “Now I want you to show me. Make love to me, Derek.”
She was a second away from pleading with him to take her when he scooped her up and carried her down the hall to the bedroom. His lips never left the smooth column of her neck as he licked and nibbled a trail up and down the sensitive skin, eliciting a series of moans and gasps from her.
“God, you don’t know how many times I’ve thought about doing this.” His voice sounded coarse, as though he’d inhaled a lungful of smoke and was waiting to exhale. “To have you back in my bed instead of taking you against some cheap metal desk like an animal.”
He was talking about the night they were trapped in his office. She’d stopped by the police station after she got a flat tire to ask Josh for a ride home, but Josh had already left for the day. Derek was still there, working, in spite of the threat of the storm looming. The police station was nearly deserted, as most of the officers who didn’t have to be there had already gone. Those who were required to be there were out on calls, and the dispatcher was at her post—
