Heartless, page 3
“You don’t think I know that? I’d be dead if it weren’t for you.”
There was one night, their third year on the job, when they inadvertently interrupted an armed robbery at a convenience store at one a.m. Josh, in full uniform, was rounding the corner, approaching the cashier, when the gunman spotted him in the overhead mirror. Derek realized what was happening a second before it was too late to stop him from shooting his partner. It was the first time Derek had ever shot someone, and he would have done it all over again to save his partner’s life.
“Then what are you tryin’ to say?”
Josh sighed. “You’ve proven yourself to everyone, man. You don’t have to do it anymore. Take a cushy desk job for the next few years. Ride it out ‘til you retire. Start focusin’ on other areas of your life instead.” He smiled. “There’s more to life than work, ya know?”
Derek couldn’t imagine what he would do with his time if he wasn’t working eighty hours a week. It had been his way of life for as long as he could remember.
“Why do you think things didn’t work out with Rosanna?”
“Uh, ‘cause she was a workaholic, too?”
“Sure, she loved her job, but she wasn’t obsessed with it the way you are.”
He scowled. “How do you know that?”
“I called one night when you were at work and we started talkin’. It was a couple of months before you guys split. She said she thought you were using work to fill some kind of void in your life, some void she’d never been able to fill.”
Derek laced his hands on the tabletop. He didn’t like where this was going. He’d only lied to Josh once before, about his relationship with Ashley. They’d come too far for him to make the same mistake again, but he didn’t want to reopen old wounds. She was still his ex-wife, the mother of his children.
“So, is what Rosanna said true?”
Derek shrugged. He’d always been one to face his problems head-on, but he was emotionally wrung out, and avoidance was starting to seem like his safest option. “She obviously wasn’t the right woman for me. If she was, we’d still be together, right?”
Josh looked at him carefully. “Are you sayin’ you’ve never made the mistake of letting the right woman get away before?”
His friend was crossing a long-buried line at a time when Derek didn’t have the patience to be polite. “Jesus Christ, why are grillin’ me like this?”
“Don’t you think you’ve been hidin’ out in Arkansas long enough, man?”
“Hidin’ out? What the hell are you talkin’ about? I’ve been livin’ my life. I haven’t been hidin’ out.”
“Oh yeah? What kind of life has it been? You’ve been workin’ eighty hours a week, you rarely take a vacation, and before Rosanna, you went from one bad relationship to the next. Face it, your life is a mess.”
Derek glared at him. “Who the hell are you to judge me? Just because you have the perfect wife, kids, house, job, friends… we can’t all get that lucky.”
Josh leaned forward as he gripped the armrests. “You think all that came easy for me? You think I didn’t have to wade through my fair share of shit to get there?”
Derek knew his friend had to fight for the woman he loved. He’d been in Arkansas with Lexi when she and Josh almost lost each other. He knew it wasn’t easy for either of them to find the courage to take the risk. But they had, and now they had a life Derek envied.
“No, I know you did.” He scraped his hands over his face. “But it was different for you and Lexi. You were at a different place in your life. I’m too damn old to be takin’ stupid chances now.”
Josh stared at him. “Man, you’ve wasted almost half your life wishin’ you made different choices. Are you gonna spend the last half doin’ the same?”
In his gut, Derek knew Josh was right. He couldn’t go on this way. “What would you suggest I do? Quit my job, join the monks, and try to find inner peace?”
Josh rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a smartass. What I’m sayin’ is… don’t be such a chicken shit. If you want somethin’, go after it already.”
Derek didn’t want to assume his friend was talking about Ashley. His blessing was too much to hope for, given their history. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about.”
“Yes, you do. I saw the way you were lookin’ at her today, the way she held you at the cemetery. I’d be lyin’ if I said it didn’t hurt, knowin’ that the woman I married, the mother of my children, was in love with my best friend the entire time.”
Derek shook his head, trying to deny the claim. He didn’t want to believe what Josh was saying was true. If it was, he’d wasted the better part of his life without the woman he loved when they could have been together. Her kids could have been his kids. “You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, man.”
“Don’t I?” Josh glared at him. “Did Ashley tell you that we weren’t sleepin’ together the last eight months of our marriage?”
Derek lowered his head. “I know you weren’t sleepin’ together before…” He couldn’t say it. He didn’t even want to think about what his betrayal had cost his friend.
“Yeah, did she tell you why we weren’t sleepin’ together anymore?”
Derek shook his head. He’d never wanted to know. Thinking about Josh making love to Ashley was always too painful for him to contemplate. “It was none of my business.”
“The hell it wasn’t. You were the reason I moved into the guest room.”
“What the hell are you talkin’ about?” Derek hadn’t tried to insinuate himself into their marriage. He tried to keep his distance and encouraged them to work out their problems. A raging storm prevented either of them from driving home, and they found themselves giving in to temptation.
“The last time Ashley and I made love… she called out your name.”
Derek muttered a curse as he lowered his head. If what Josh said was true, that would have happened months before the storm. “I never meant to ruin your marriage. You’ve got to believe me.”
“I do.” Josh sighed. “Look, I was an idiot for pursuin’ her in the first place. You were my best friend; she was your ex… I mean, it goes against guy code. Not sure what the hell I was thinkin’.”
Derek had asked himself that question a time or two. What the hell had Josh been thinking back then? Wasn’t it obvious to him that Derek still loved her, that he’d never stopped loving her? “So, why’d you do it? Why’d you hook up with Ash after we broke up?”
Josh laced his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair. “You and I both saw her at the same time, remember?”
Derek smiled. “Yeah, the first day of classes our freshman year. We were at the campus bookstore. She was just about the hottest little thing we’d ever seen.”
Josh chuckled. “Yeah, not much has changed. Ashley’s still a beautiful woman.”
“She sure is.” Derek turned his head to look at his friend. “You were pissed that I had the balls to ask for her number.”
“You could have given me a chance, or at least asked if I was interested.”
If it was any other woman, he probably would have, but there was something special about Ashley. “Yeah, I guess I could have.” He shook his head. “But if you’re expectin’ me to say I’m sorry I didn’t, you’ll be waitin’ a while. I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with her for anything. I’ve never loved anyone else like that.”
Derek knew it was time for him and Josh to have the conversation they should have had twenty-five years ago. It may have saved them all a lot of heartache.
“I know.” Josh sighed. “And this is hard for me to admit, but I don’t think she ever loved me the way she loved you.”
Derek grimaced. He couldn’t even imagine how difficult it would be to admit that your wife was in love with another man. “I’m sorry.” He raked his hands through his hair. “Man, what a mess.”
“I’m over it. I have Lexi now, and I wouldn’t go back for anything.”
Derek smiled. “I know. You two are perfect for each other.”
“Sort of like you and Ashley?”
“No, not at all like me and Ash. I have a career I love in Arkansas, and she has two sons who hate my guts because they think I busted up their family. That’s not exactly a solid foundation to build a relationship on, is it?”
Josh kicked his feet up on a footrest. “You love the job, not the place.”
His friend was probably right, but he wasn’t willing to admit as much, at least not yet. “I have a nice place to hang my hat, a lot of good friends, and a routine I like—”
“Hmm, the only thing you don’t have is a woman to share it with. Why do you suppose that is? Could it be because that woman’s here, in Nashville, where you belong?”
Derek covered his face with his hands. “Are we back to that again? You’re gonna try and talk me into movin’ back home?”
“Man, your family needs you now more than ever.”
“Weren’t you listenin’ to a word I said? I have a life back there. I can’t just pick up and move. I’m up for a big promotion—”
Josh held his hand up. “What would you say if I told you that you could get a better job right here in Nashville?”
Derek frowned. “How the hell would you know that?”
“Mathers and I keep in touch. He called me when he heard about Dave.”
“Is that right?” Derek and Josh were both tight with John Mathers back in the day. Now, he was the local police chief.
“He wanted to know when you’d be back in town.” Josh watched his friend as he imparted the last bit of news. “He asked me to tell you to give him a call.”
“Shit,” Derek muttered as he covered his mouth with his hand. They were talking about a desk job. It was more challenging, paid a lot more money, but with none of the risk. He lived for the adrenaline rush that came with the risk. “I wasn’t expectin’ that.”
“What’re you gonna do?”
“I don’t know.” He smiled at Josh. “I know what you think I should do.”
“What’s to think about, man? Your family and friends are here. You could have the job you wanted back in Arkansas, and this is home. Besides, Ashley’s here. Maybe you guys could finally get that second chance.”
“That really wouldn’t bother you?” Josh was a better man than he was. If their situations were reversed, he could never have been so magnanimous about Josh making a play for Ashley.
“Why should it? I’ve moved on. I love my wife. Ash and I are friends; I want her to be happy. If she can find that with you, I think it’s great.”
“Too bad your boys don’t share your opinion.”
“Give it some time; they’ll come around. They’re good guys, just a little overprotective where their parents are concerned.”
Derek smiled. “You’re a lucky man, Josh. They’re amazing. You should be really proud of them.”
“I know how hard it must be for you. I haven’t forgotten how much you loved them when they were growin’ up.”
“I still do,” he said quietly. “They may hate me, but…”
“But you still see them as the same snot-nosed kids who used to beg you to let them drive your Corvette, right?”
Derek smiled at the memory. They were way too young to drive, but that didn’t stop him from letting them coast around deserted parking lots on a Sunday afternoon. “Yeah, I do. You think they remember shit like that?”
“I know they do. That’s why it’s so hard for them to come to terms with the fact that you and their mom slept together while we were still married. You were closer to them than anyone, outside of me and Ash. They felt betrayed. I think they still do. They loved you, Derek. They looked up to you.” Josh laughed. “Hell, I was kind of jealous sometimes. They had a serious case of hero worship for you. It was always Uncle Derek this and Uncle Derek that.”
He sighed. “Yeah, until I screwed everything up, right?”
“You and Ash made a mistake. You’re human. Had I found out about it at the time, I probably would have hunted you down, but now I see it from a different perspective. I had no business marryin’ her in the first place. You were her first love…” He cleared his throat. “Hell, I think you were her only love.”
Josh stood up and patted his friend on the back. “That makes you one lucky bastard in my book. Don’t make another mistake. Don’t let her get away again, man.”
Chapter Three
Ashley could scarcely believe her ex-husband was encouraging her former lover to make a play for her. Did Derek still have feelings for her?
Josh almost ran into her as he barrelled into the kitchen. “Jesus, you startled me.” He grabbed her shoulders to steady her. “You hear any of that?”
She felt the tell-tale blush rise up her neck, staining her cheeks. “I wasn’t eavesdropping, if that’s what you’re implying. I just wanted to say good-bye to Derek. Mike’s going to drop me off at home on his way back to work.”
He hooked a finger over his shoulder. “I meant what I said out there, Ash. If you and Derek can find your way back to each other, I’m all for it.”
She stole a glance at their sons. Their heads were bowed in conversation and Jay had a nasty scowl on his face. “I think Jay and Mike might have something to say about that, don’t you?”
“Look, they’re not kids anymore. You were a great mother to them while they were growin’ up. They don’t have the right to expect you to sacrifice your happiness just because they can’t deal with the man you choose.”
“I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my kids.” She wrapped her arms around her midsection. “When they found out what happened between me and Derek, it created a rift that I thought would never heal. Now that Derek is back, it just reopens all of those old wounds. It reminds them of what I did, what we did, to you.”
“Listen to me; we both know our marriage was over long before you slept with Derek. We were just goin’ through the motions, for the sake of the kids, for a hell of a long time.”
The failure of her marriage was one of her biggest disappointments in life. It still wasn’t easy for her to acknowledge, even to herself, that it was a union that should never have happened. “I know that and you know that, but our kids don’t. In their eyes, you were the victim and Derek and I were the villains.”
Josh rolled his eyes. “They’re not preteens anymore; their world isn’t that black-and-white. They’re grown men who know damn well that every situation has shades of gray.”
Ashley sighed. “I just don’t know that I’m willing to risk rehashing all of this now. We’re finally in a good place again. I don’t want to jeopardize that.”
He frowned. “Doesn’t it bother you that they haven’t forgiven Derek for what happened? They may have given you a pass, but they’re still treatin’ him like their worst enemy. That’s not right, Ash.”
“You don’t think I know that? I hate all of this tension between them. I hate that they’re blaming Derek for something that was just as much my fault as his.”
Josh held one finger up to indicate to his wife he needed another minute with Ashley. “There’s plenty of blame to go around here. If I hadn’t married you in the first place… if I hadn’t been so focused on work… if I’d made more time for us…” He sighed. “The boys were too young to understand that back then, but they’re grown men with a few broken hearts behind them now. I have to believe they’d get it if we tried again to make them understand. Maybe you, me, and Derek could sit them down, talk to them about what happened back then. We could make them understand.”
Ashley would always love and respect her ex-husband. Josh was a generous and forgiving man and an incredible father, but he was a lousy matchmaker. “I don’t even know why we’re discussing this. In a few weeks, Derek will be back in Arkansas.”
“What if he’s not?” Josh looked at her carefully, obviously trying to read her reaction. “What if he decides to stay in Nashville?”
The miles between them always created a safe barrier. Without that, she didn’t think she could trust herself to keep her distance from Derek. “What are you talking about? Did he tell you he’s considering moving back home?” Home. No matter how she felt about it, Nashville was Derek’s home. He had as much right to be here as she did, even if it would wreak havoc with her heart.
“I happen to know he has a pretty sweet job offer waitin’ for him, if he decides to take it.”
“What kind of job offer?”
Mike had just been promoted to detective a few short months ago. If Derek joined the force as Mike’s superior, it would only add tension to an already tumultuous situation.
“He’s gonna have to tell you about it when, and if, he decides to take it. But I have to tell you, I want him here, in Nashville, especially now.” He glanced into the adjoining dining room where most of the McCalls were gathered around the table. “His family needs him now, and I’m not gonna lie; it would be nice to have my best friend around again.”
Ashley closed her eyes. She knew Josh was right. Derek’s family needed him. They needed to know he was here and he was safe, behind a desk, instead of out in the field, putting his life on the line every day. As the mother of a cop herself, she knew how difficult it was to go to sleep with the knowledge that you could be awakened by a call telling you your son was gone, lost to a madman wielding a gun.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Josh. This is Derek’s life. It’s his decision.”
Josh tipped her chin with his index finger, forcing her to look him in the eye. “I think we both know that if you asked him to stay, it would influence his decision. Don’t you think you owe it to his family, him, and yourself to do that?”
She resented being called out like this, especially by her happily married ex. He couldn’t begin to understand what she was feeling. “What about my loyalty to my sons? How does that figure into this?”
Josh let his hands fall to his sides. “It doesn’t, or at least it shouldn’t. You’ve always been a good mother—you still are—but they don’t have the right to tell you who to love. That’s your call.”
