Heartless, page 4
She looked at the floor, refusing to look up into his handsome, smug face. She’d be damned if she’d admit to him he was right, even though she knew he was. She’d sacrificed her love life while her sons were growing up because she didn’t want to confuse them or cause undue stress, but Josh was right. It was her turn to find happiness.
“That’s easy for you to say. They love Lexi.”
“They used to love Derek, too.”
It was too painful for her to think back to that time. The years with Derek in her home, sharing her dinner table, playing with her kids, were some of the happiest and most difficult of her life. She watched him tossing the football with her boys in the backyard and wondered how different their lives would have been had she married Derek instead of Josh. Then she’d feel guilty for her errant thoughts and stow them away in a dark corner of her mind until they resurfaced, demanding her attention.
“You think I don’t remember?” She raked her hands through her long hair, scraping her scalp with her fingernails. “I was the one who had to dry their tears when Derek moved to Arkansas.” She blinked back the tears. “I knew it was my fault… that I drove him away because he felt guilty about what happened between us.”
Josh’s eyes darkened. “Did you feel guilty?”
They hadn’t talked about this in years, but Derek’s presence seemed to bring everything back to the surface, as though it happened yesterday instead of fifteen years ago. “You know I did.”
Josh folded his arms over his chest. “Why didn’t you just tell me that you were in love with him… that you wanted to be with him?”
“I couldn’t do that to you or my kids. Besides, Derek didn’t want that either. He made that pretty clear when he accepted that job in Arkansas.”
“Is that what you thought he wanted when you slept with him? Did you think he was going to encourage you to leave me so you could start a life together?”
She didn’t expect this conversation to be so painful. Nor did she expect it to happen in the middle of Derek’s family home on such a solemn occasion. “Yes,” she whispered, knowing there was no point trying to conceal the truth now.
Josh nodded. “I knew it. It wasn’t the result of the circumstances, like you said. You hoped for something like that to happen for months, maybe years.” He glared at her. “You can’t deny it, can you?”
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have feelings for Derek back then—”
“Were you in love with him the entire time we were married?”
How could she possibly answer that question without hurting a man she still loved and respected? Josh was her friend, the father of her children, but he wasn’t the love of her life. After all these years, she was finally able to admit that Derek still held that distinct title. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Try a little honesty. You know what they say… it just might set you free.”
“Fine,” she said, feeling her anger rising. “Did I love Derek the entire time we were married? Yes, I did. Are you happy now?”
“That’s real nice, Mom,” Jay said.
Ashley felt the blood rush to her head as she turned to face the twin looks of shock and disappointment on her sons’ faces. “God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t intend for you to hear that.”
Josh gripped her shoulders. “Guys, it’s okay. I asked your mom to be honest with me—”
Jay held his hand up to halt his father’s defense of their mother. “Save it, Dad. I don’t want to hear it.” He nudged his brother. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”
Mike glared at Ashley. “You can find your own ride home.” He pointed to the door leading to the patio. “Why don’t you ask Captain Casanova? I’m sure he’d be happy to give you a lift, especially if he thought you were willin’ to repay him with sexual favors.”
Ashley gasped as Josh reached over her to grab his son by the front of his shirt. “Listen to me. You disrespect your mother like that again and you and me are gonna have big problems.”
“Josh, please, don’t do this here,” she hissed. She could feel the eyes of the other mourners on them as Josh released his grip on their son. “Can’t we talk about this at home?”
“We have nothing to say to you right now,” Jay said, leading his brother away.
“Oh God,” Ashley whispered, covering her face with her hands. “What have I done? It was bad enough when they thought I made one stupid mistake, but for them to know that I was in love with Derek for years, while we were married… They’ll never forgive me. How can you forgive me?”
Josh pulled her back against his chest as he kissed the top of her head. “Hey, it was time for all this to come out. They’ll deal with it; we’ll help them. They just need a little time.”
“What if they don’t come around?” She closed her eyes. “What if I lose my sons because of this?”
Derek was walking back into the house when he overheard Ashley tell Josh that she’d been in love with him throughout their marriage. He also heard the ensuing argument with her kids. It took everything in him not to step in, to jump to Ashley’s defense, but he knew she would never forgive him if he widened the gap between her and her boys.
“Hey,” he said quietly, trying to decide if he should acknowledge that he overheard the altercation.
Ashley turned to face him, her blue eyes belying her misery. “I guess you heard that?”
Without thinking about the consequences or how it might look to onlookers, he reached out and pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He stroked her hair. “I hate that you had to go through that. I know how much they mean to you.”
“I’m the one who should be apologizing to you,” she whispered as she laid her head on his chest. “This is a day to mourn your brother, not rehash our sordid past.”
It’s not like he didn’t think about it every damn day, anyway. Ashley was always with him, sometimes at the forefront of his mind, sometimes a distant memory, but there was rarely a day he didn’t think about her. Since he’d learned of his brother’s passing, he’d been able to think of little else. Dave’s death reminded him that life was too short to live with regret.
“It’s okay,” he whispered, stroking her back. “This isn’t your fault. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We’ve been tryin’ to avoid dealin’ with this for too long.” He was more than ready to call Jay and Mike out, even if Ashley didn’t agree it was the best course of action.
Josh gripped Derek’s shoulder. “Hey, buddy, would you mind takin’ Ash home? Aiden’s got a baseball game in an hour.”
“Yeah, that’s not a problem.” He tucked Ashley against his side as he shook his friend’s hand. “Thanks for comin’, Josh.” He inclined his head toward the patio just beyond the kitchen. “And for tryin’ to talk some sense into me. Believe me, I heard everything you said.”
“I hope so.” Josh smiled as he brushed a tear off of Ashley’s cheek with his thumb. “Hey, they’re gonna get over this. Trust me.”
She sniffled. “I hope you’re right. I don’t know what I’ll do if they cut me out of their lives. I—”
“That’s not gonna happen.” Josh cut her off. “We’re not gonna let it happen.”
Derek admired and respected the fact that even though Jay and Mike were grown men now, Josh and Ashley still worked together, as a team, to present a united front in the face of conflict. “Josh is right, Ash. We’re gonna figure this thing out.”
She leaned her head against his shoulder as he wrapped her arm around his waist. “I sure hope so.”
Josh’s wife approached their group. “Am I interrupting?”
Ashley brushed her tears away and smiled. “No, not at all. How are you?”
Lexi frowned. “I think the better question is, how are you? Mike and Jay looked pretty angry when they left. Did y’all have a fight?”
Derek knew that Josh’s former and current wives had forged a close friendship over the years, which Josh claimed made it easier to co-parent their kids. “They’re still pissed at me, Lexi. What else is new?”
Lexi touched Derek’s arm. “You’re one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. Hell, Josh and I wouldn’t even be together if not for you, so if my stepsons keep giving you a hard time, they’re going to have to answer to me.”
Josh laughed as he put his arm around his wife’s waist. “Easy, tiger, they’ve got enough opposition to deal with already.”
Lexi smiled as she gestured to Derek and Ashley. “Anyone can see they’re perfect for one another. Jay and Mike would be damn lucky to have him as their stepfather.”
Josh chuckled. “You’re preachin’ to the choir, honey. But judgin’ by that shade of red on Ashley’s face, I’d say you’re puttin’ them on the spot, so why don’t we get the hell out of here? I’ve got a bet with one of the other dads that Aiden’s gonna pitch another no-hitter today.”
She rolled her eyes at Ashley and Derek. “Can you believe he bets on his son’s baseball games?”
Derek had no problem believing it. They used to do the same thing when Jay and Mike played Little League. He smiled at Josh. “Some things never change, huh?”
“True…” He looked at Ashley. “But some things do, or at least they should.”
Lexi tugged on her husband’s arm. “Okay, let’s go.” She reached up to press a kiss to Derek’s cheek. “You need anything, don’t hesitate to call us, okay?”
He and Lexi had developed a solid friendship during the years since she married Josh, and he counted her among his favorite people. “You know I will, darlin’.”
Lexi gripped Ashley’s hand. “Same goes for you. I’ll be home later, if you need to talk.”
“Thanks, I just might take you up on that.”
Chapter Four
Ashley felt conflicted inviting Derek back into the family home she’d once shared with her husband and sons. They had so many great memories here, but it would be strange seeing him back in the house that had been his second home in the early years of her marriage.
A smile lit his handsome face as soon as he crossed the threshold. “Damn, it’s been a long time since I’ve set foot in this house, huh?”
“Yeah, it has.” She watched him wander into the great room.
He stopped to admire some of the framed photographs lined up on the mantle. “Hey, I remember the day Josh took this one. I’m surprised you kept it.” He picked it up to look closer. “What’s more, I’m surprised your boys didn’t bust it up.”
The photo he held was one of him with Jay and Mike on either side of him. The boys were wearing their baseball uniforms and holding big trophies. Their proud coach knelt in the middle, a big smile on his face. It was one of her favorite photographs. A reminder that they shared a lifetime of good memories before that one night changed everything.
“I catch them looking at it once in a while,” she said quietly, coming up behind him. She rested her hand on his back. “In spite of how angry they are now, losing you was hard on them, Derek. You have no idea what it did to them when you moved to Arkansas.”
He set the photograph down on the mantle and sighed. “It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I knew you and Josh didn’t have a prayer of makin’ things work as long as I was still in the picture. I love your kids like they are my own. I didn’t want to be the reason your marriage ended. If there was a chance, even a small chance, that they could have two parents livin’ under one roof, I wanted to step back and give them that.”
“I know.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I know why you did it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.” She decided it was time to say all the things she should have said fifteen years ago. “I loved you, Derek. I thought we were finally going to get a chance at that life we always dreamed about.”
He pulled her into his arms and sighed. “Ah, baby, you don’t know how much I wanted that, but…” He hesitated. “It wasn’t just you and me. If it was, the decision would have been easy, but I loved you, your kids, Josh. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”
She tipped her head back to look at him before looping her arms around his neck. “But we did get hurt, all of us.”
“Yeah, I guess we did, didn’t we?”
She glanced at the picture he’d replaced on the mantle before grabbing his hand and leading him into the adjoining kitchen. “Let me make that pot of coffee I promised you.”
He claimed a stool at the granite breakfast bar. “That sounds great. It feels like I haven’t slept in a week.”
She busied herself preparing the coffee, trying to ignore the fact that having him in her home felt so right. The four-bedroom house was too big for her now that Jay and Mike had bought condos in a new building downtown, but she hadn’t been able to consider downsizing. This house was a part of her.
He pointed to the pool area beyond the French doors. “It looks like you’re havin’ some work done?”
She rolled her eyes as she propped her hip against the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew. “I hired a contractor to rebuild the fence around the pool. He was supposed to have it finished a week ago, but he’s barely started.”
Derek chuckled. “That’s why I live in a condo, so I don’t have to worry about home improvement projects.”
She grinned. “I seem to remember you were pretty good with your hands.” A beat of awareness passed between them and she could feel the room growing warmer and smaller by the minute. “I… uh… meant you knew how to…” She reached for a takeout brochure to fan her face.
He threw his head back and laughed. “I know what you meant.”
She dipped her head to hide her smile. Her favorite thing about Derek was his sense of humor. He wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself or her. “Stop teasing me.”
He reached for her hand with a wicked gleam in his eye. “I’ve missed teasin’ you.” His smile fell. “I missed you… period.”
The coffee maker chose that moment to sound, indicating the fresh brew was ready. She withdrew her hand, grateful for the distraction. She didn’t know where this was going or where she wanted it to go. A week ago, she’d just been looking forward to her summer vacation; now here she was, with her former lover, contemplating her future.
“Josh told me you went back to school to get your teaching certificate a few years back.”
She smiled as she poured the coffee. Without thinking, she added a drop of milk and spoonful of sugar to his before passing it to him.
He grinned. “I can’t believe you remembered that.”
She matched his smile. “I shouldn’t feel as though I still know you so well, but I do.”
“I know what you mean.” He shook his head. “It feels so good bein’ back home, reconnectin’ with everybody. I wish the circumstances were different, but hey, maybe my big brother’s tryin’ to send me a message, huh? Maybe he’s tellin’ me it’s time for me to come home.”
She realized how much she wanted that. At first, she was uncertain, but now she realized how much she missed Derek, her friend. “I know your family would love that.”
He looked her in the eye. “How would you feel about it?”
“I’m not gonna lie. I’ve missed you.”
He smiled. “I’ve missed you, too.” He pointed to the stool next to him. “Sit down. Tell me about your life, your job, and your friends. I want to know everything.”
She set her coffee mug down on the counter and claimed the stool beside him. “Well, let’s see…” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I teach second grade, and I love it. It reminds me of when my own boys were that age, wide-eyed, innocent, and curious about everything.” She smiled. “I miss that. Now they’re so damn cynical, unwilling to give anyone a break. Sometimes I wonder how they got to be that way, you know.”
Derek took a sip of his coffee before responding. “Mike’s a cop. It goes with the territory. If you’re not suspicious of everyone, it’s only because you haven’t been doin’ it long enough.”
She sighed. “I guess you’re right. And Jay got his heart broken a while back.” She shook her head. “His college girlfriend dumped him after two years together. Poor kid, he’s never really gotten over it.”
Derek shot a sidelong glance in her direction. “I know how he feels.”
She rested her hand on his forearm. “I never meant to hurt you back then; I need you to know that. I thought…” Did she have the courage to tell him that she broke up with him to teach him a lesson? “We always had this amazing connection. I never imagined you’d really let me go.”
He frowned. “Are you tellin’ me that you broke up with me because you wanted me to start bein’ the boyfriend you deserved?”
She laughed. “Something like that. I didn’t want you to take me for granted anymore. I wanted you to appreciate me and what we had.”
“Ash, I did. I knew, even back then, that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“With age comes wisdom, right?” She traced her finger around the rim of her coffee cup, refusing to look at him. “Instead of just talking to you, trying to work it out, I decided to end it to try and teach you a lesson.” She tried to smile, to pretend it didn’t still hurt thinking about where they went wrong. “That was immature, but then, so was I back then. I was only twenty. What the hell did I know about relationships, right?”
He smirked. “You probably knew a hell of a lot more than I did.” He looked her in the eye. “The only thing I knew for sure was that I’d never felt about another girl the way I felt about you.”
She clasped her hands around her mug as she tried to still her racing heart. “That’s sweet.”
“That’s the truth. It’s still true to this day. You’re the only woman I’ve ever really loved.” He sighed. “I’d be lyin’ if I said I haven’t been with my fair share of women over the years, tryin’ to find the right one. But eventually I had to admit to myself that I met that girl when I was just a kid. Too damn young to know a good thing when I had it.”
