Broken to Belong, page 23
“You’re right. It is different this time. I know myself more. I know the signs.” I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and looked at Anita.
I realized something and took in a deep breath. “I think I told Dani we needed a break because I couldn’t believe in how good it all was, that I had to be missing something again or something would happen, like with Rebecca. I couldn’t risk the pain of having my heart broken again, so I broke it this time, instead of letting love be.”
“Ok, so now what? I mean, you’re gonna fight for that love, right?”
“Of course I am. I just hope Dani can understand.” I sighed. “But first I need to talk to Heather.”
“Ok?” She looked at me before flashing a sly smile. “I mean, I can talk to her and give her a big ol’ piece of my mind. But what do you have in mind?”
I chuckled at the idea of Anita letting her words fly at Heather, but I knew it was up to me.
“I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago. I’m going to stand up to her. Then, I’m going to take some time for myself. I have a lot I need to figure out so I can believe in me again, and in love, too, for that matter. Then I’m going to talk to Dani and hopefully she will listen.” I touched Anita’s hand, thankful she was there. It was time to move beyond blaming and questioning myself and for once in my life, to do what I needed to do for no one else but me.
Twenty-Four
Dani
We wrapped up recording, and I stayed an extra night in Nashville just to rest a little before heading west to Colorado. Before I left, I went to the park where Mae and I had talked. I sat at the same bench and replayed our conversation, and I searched my mind for what I could have said differently, but nothing came up. I closed my eyes and listened to the leaves moving and felt the wind blow softly through my hair. I drew in a breath. It was time to leave with no answers, no resolve, like a song ending on a dissonant note.
I took a midday flight to Colorado, and Jen met me at the luggage claim. She embraced me right away, and I held tightly to my sister for a few moments. It reminded me of the other times she had held me like that. Like when I fell off my bike when I was seven, when I failed a science test in eighth grade, and when I went to stay with her after Dad kicked me out of the house. Every time, her arms let me know I wasn’t alone, and that I was held more than I realized. That moment at the airport, they let me know again.
We got into her SUV and headed toward her house, nestled in the trees on a large hill. As we pulled up the drive to her house, my brother-in-law, Josh, was waiting on the deck, waving and smiling.
I smiled at him and he smirked and said, “Well, hey there stranger.” I laughed and shook my head. It had been so long since I had visited, too long.
When I walked into the guest room, I noticed a basket on the bed with some of my favorite snacks and handmade lavender soap. She had thought of everything, and as I took it all in, she walked in behind me.
“Jen, you …”
“It’s the least I could do, Dani. You’d do the same for me.” She patted my shoulder, and I nodded.
“Just take your time getting settled, then when you’re ready, we’ll be on the deck,” she said as she walked out.
I washed my face and changed into jeans and a flannel shirt. The air was cooler in Colorado, and the softness and warmth of the flannel against my skin gave me the sense of coming home. I picked up my phone to look at the time, and I stared at it, wishing I could will it to ring, and for it to be Mae, even though I didn’t know what I would say if she did call.
I walked out onto the deck, and I sat with Jen while Josh stood at the grill, making dinner.
“How are you holding up?” Jen handed me a glass of wine.
“As best I can, I guess.” I looked into my glass a moment, and I wondered how Mae was doing.
“When do you go back to Alabama?”
“In three weeks. Just for Rachel and Lara’s wedding. I’ll fly back to Oregon the next morning.”
“That’s really soon. Do you think you’ll be ok?”
I thought for a minute. “I have to be. I don’t have a choice. It’s for Rachel and Lara—there’s no way I could back out on them. I just have to stay focused on the fact I’m there for them. You know?”
I was no fool, though. I knew it would be hard to see Mae and to be around anyone who associated the two of us with being together. That meant everyone I had gotten to know and build a friendship with over the summer. Then I thought of Heather, and a flash of anger came over me.
“Will Heather be there?” Jen must have read my mind, or maybe it was my face. I’ve never been great at hiding what I’m feeling.
“I don’t know,” my voice trailed off. I looked off into the trees, the changing colors and the way the playful nature of evening light danced on the baring branches. “I hope not, but if she is, I’ll be ok. I promise.”
Jen gave me her worried look, the one where I know she doesn’t like the answer I’ve given.
“I’m just going to focus on the wedding and celebrating with Rachel and Lara. Then I’ll be out of Alabama in no time. Don’t worry.” I gave her a half smile to try to reassure her.
“I’m your big sister. That’s kind of part of the gig. No matter how old we are, right?” she shrugged and chuckled.
Over the next few days, I spent time hiking with Jen, resting at the house and finishing up my song for Rachel and Lara’s wedding. With everything that happened with Mae, I didn’t have the heart to finish it until then.
On my last night there, I asked Jen if she would listen and tell me what she thought. I sang the last note and looked up to see her watching me with tears in her eyes.
“I want that for you, Dani. That kind of love you’ve been singing and writing about and longing for all these years. I was just so certain when I met Mae.” She turned her eyes downward and put her hands together.
“I know,” was all I could manage to say back in a near whisper.
Spending time in the mountains and being with my sister proved to be just what I needed to gather myself and nurture my spirit. I packed my bag the morning I left and looked forward to being home again.
I hugged Jen again when we said goodbye at the airport. We had been through so much that summer, and it served to bring us closer together. I had realized through all of it, how grateful I felt for her consistency and her persistent belief in me.
As my plane climbed altitude and the clouds filled the view from my window, I exhaled long and slow. I thought of the flights I had taken all summer, and the memories replayed in my mind like a movie reel, steady and vivid. It seemed surreal to me that the next flight I would take would carry me back to Alabama, and that this time, my heart would feel heavy and confused instead of excited.
Back home, I spent time outside, looking at the stars and going on walks. I wondered at how my spirit felt more connected in some ways, even though I felt more alone and sadder than I had in years. It all seemed like a process larger than I could grasp, so I did what I always do when I don’t know what to think or say. I immersed myself in music.
I sat with my guitar and even sat down at the piano for a while. I touched my hands lightly on the keys, then played the chords to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and sang out the most lonesome verses. Then, with a creaking on the bench, I turned and looked at my living room floor, where just weeks before, I had danced with Mae, stars shining above in the sky lights. The silence echoed like a dull ache. I wondered if maybe it was what I needed—the silence and solitude. Maybe for too long, I had filled it instead of listening to it. Instead of listening to my own heart.
I turned back around and closed the lid over the keys. I ran my hand over the wood, worn from years of use from whoever owned the piano before me. I glanced over at the table where my phone lay, wishing I could call Mae, but knowing I shouldn’t. My eyes came back to the sheet music in front of me, and one bar in particular drew me in: a rest. I closed my eyes and whispered, “Rest, Dani.” Silence was part of the song.
Mae
The week before Rachel and Lara’s wedding, we all busied ourselves with preparing for the celebration. The residents worked hard on helping with the decorations while Anita and I focused on nailing every detail. Everything would take place on the surrounding farmland at SASH, and we all hoped for clear weather. After everything Rachel and Lara had done for our community, we wanted to make their wedding as perfect as possible.
On Wednesday, I sat outside making centerpieces when I heard tires on the gravel. A few moments later, I saw Heather’s car coming down the drive, and my stomach tensed up. I knew she planned to be at the wedding, but I hadn’t expected to see her so soon. The last time we had spoken was before I went to Nashville, and though I still planned to talk to her, I had hoped it would happen at a time when things weren’t so busy.
I breathed in and glanced at Anita. She looked back at me and mouthed, “You’ve got this” as she continued to concentrate on helping the residents with their creations for the reception tables.
I stood up and dusted off my jeans, then went inside to wash my hands. I straightened my hair a little then stood and looked into the mirror for a moment. I looked different, the lines around my eyes had deepened, and my face looked more resolved than I felt. My mind turned to Dani and all I wanted to say to her. Even though I would be confronting Heather sooner than I thought, I was thankful it would be before I saw Dani again. I closed my eyes at the thought of her, and I hoped she would understand. I remembered Heather would be walking in any minute. I breathed in and out again, and I opened my eyes.
I opened the bathroom door and walked to the living room. She wasn’t there, so I looked out of the window and saw her talking with Rachel just as Rachel pointed toward the house, and Heather walked toward the steps to come inside.
As the door creaked open and sunlight filtered in, I saw more of Heather’s athletic silhouette than her face, and I wondered what her expression would be. As she shut the door, I saw her smiling at me. When we were together, I looked forward to her coming in the front door, wondering what she would say, what battle she had fought and assuredly won, if she might truly see me. But in that moment, I wanted to hide. I steadied myself against the will to run, imagining my feet were full of stone.
“Hey, stranger.” She smiled and winked at me, but I didn’t return the smile.
“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you so soon.”
I put my hands in my pockets and stood in the foyer.
“Yeah, I just finished moving everything into my new place, and I thought I would go ahead and drive over so I could see everyone before things get too hectic around the wedding day.” She flashed another smile. “You look good, Mae.” She took a step toward me and put her hand out to touch my side.
I put my hand out and grabbed her wrist. “Please, don’t.”
She frowned at me. “What’s wrong?”
I sighed and looked around, searching to see if anyone else was around to hear. I wanted our conversation to be private.
“What is it, Mae?”
“Let’s go somewhere else, so we can talk.”
She followed me out the back door and along the path to the fields, and we sat down on a little hill, overlooking a pasture. It was far enough away from everyone else, but close enough for me to feel safe and not as alone.
“What’s on your mind, Mae?” She looked over at me.
“Heather,” I started, but realized I didn’t know what to begin with. I took a breath and looked out across the field at the flowing movement of the grasses and wildflowers in the wind. I had felt like those flowers, pushed and pulled by the breezes—especially when it came to Heather. I couldn’t allow myself to be like that again.
“Heather, I know you and I have a lot of history. The time we shared, the connection we had once was a big part of my life. I loved you when we were together, and I gave you a huge part of me.” Too much of me. I looked down at the ground.
“But I lost myself, and I need you to know that intentional or not, you were toxic for me. I became somebody I’m not. I lost sight of who I really am and what I want, and when you betrayed me, l felt like you cut me down. I would say it broke me, but what it broke was the remnant of who I was.”
“Mae,” she started to speak, but I couldn’t let her interrupt me. Not this time.
“No, please. I have a lot that I need to say.” I looked at her and she put up her hands and nodded. “I know you’ve apologized to me for what you did and the way you treated me then, and I can try to forgive you for that. I wanted to believe you when you said you were trying to be better and to live your life in a more generous way. I do see you trying, and this summer, I felt like I saw you become that better person, and I still feel very grateful for all the work you did to save SASH.” I paused a moment.
“I’m glad you see that, Mae. I really am trying.” She reached for my hand, and I drew back.
“But you haven’t changed completely.” My cheeks burned as my voice became stronger. “You took what you knew was a soft and vulnerable place in me, and you made it even more raw and vulnerable. You shared pieces of conversations and thoughts of Dani’s with me, and you left out just enough to make me believe what you wanted me to. You knew I would feel weak and hurt and need someone else to lean on and then you would be there. You took advantage of it. Of me.”
“It wasn’t like that, Mae,” she tried to calm me.
“It was exactly like that! The way you have made me feel now and back when we were together –like I’m not good enough or don’t deserve love and can’t trust myself, has been exactly that way. Maybe I’ve allowed it to happen somehow. I don’t know. But I do know this—you are not good for me, Heather, and you don’t have my best interest in your heart or mind. I don’t believe you ever have, and I doubt you ever will.”
Raising my voice felt foreign. Heather swallowed hard and looked at me with glassy eyes before looking down. I looked out across the field again, remembering walking with Dani. I gathered myself before speaking again.
“I trust the love I’ve shared with Dani. And I trust myself to know what’s good and what’s right for me. I’m not falling for your lies or your manipulation anymore. I mean that.” I took in a long breath and sighed before looking at Heather again.
“I still hope you continue to change and that you become a better version of yourself—in every way. I really do. But it’s not going to be with me, ever. I know you’ll still be involved here, and it is what it is. Please just stay away from me and keep your distance. I’m done with giving you second chances.”
She looked at me then looked down at the ground in silence.
I got up and walked away, my chest expanded as breath filled my lungs.
As I headed back toward the house, I thought of how proud I was of myself and how much I had needed this moment. Anita looked at me as I walked by and I gave her a thumbs up. I needed to go breathe a bit, so I took my truck and drove to the lake.
I pulled onto the gravel and turned off the ignition. I closed my eyes and recited a silent prayer for my own second chance. As I opened my eyes, the changing colors of the leaves across the lake caught my eye. The amber mixed with crimson and flaming orange, and a gentle breeze loosened some leaves from limb.
I thought of how good it felt to let go of Heather, and then the thought of Rebecca filled my heart. My voice came up in a whisper. “It’s time I let go of that guilt, too. Is that what you’re telling me? And that love isn’t something to be afraid of? I promise you, I’m trying.”
Twenty-Five
Dani
I got back to Alabama on the Thursday before the wedding. I couldn’t help but smile at seeing Lara waiting for me. She beamed with excitement for the wedding, and I couldn’t help but feel overjoyed for her and Rachel. On the way to SASH, Lara filled me in on all the wedding details and how relieved she was that everything seemed to be coming together for the celebration.
“Enough about the wedding, or I might get nervous again,” she laughed a little then glanced at me. “Tell me about recording. How did it go?”
“Good. We actually wrapped up a couple days early because it went so well. After this weekend, I’ll go back home and start prepping for the night of the album release. I just have to get ready to live on the road again for a bit. You know I needed a break from music this summer, but after everything that’s happened, I feel more connected with it again.”
I looked at Lara, and she met my eyes for a moment and gave me a half smile.
The closer we got, the more inward I retreated. We made our way along the same highway Rachel had driven me down back in May, and I thought of how different it felt this time. How was it possible that in just a few months, I had connected that deeply? Heading to SASH felt, in so many ways, like heading to a family gathering, or a holiday, or even home. Surrounded by everything that stole mine, but still a home. My anticipation grew as we passed the fields and the Antebellum homes flanked by great trees decorated with Spanish moss.
Lara broke the silence with her quiet voice.
“Dani? How are you doing? With everything that’s happened with you and Mae, I mean. Are you going to be ok this weekend?”
I looked down at the floorboard. “I think I’ll be ok. I know it isn’t going to be easy … seeing her and wishing things were different.” I swallowed back the pain. “I still love her, and I’m trying to make sense of it. I know she needs time.” I ran out of words, not knowing what else to say.
“Have you talked to her since?”
“No,” I whispered.
I looked out the window, recognizing the road we were turning on would take us to the house.
