Broken to Belong, page 13
“What happened? If you don’t mind telling me. I mean, I know some from what Mae has told me.”
“Well, Mae had been dating Esther, and I know she told you about what happened. I was shocked when Mae told me she had cheated, and with Heather of all people. It was so unlike Mae. I tried talking with her about it a few times, but she didn’t want to listen to any voice but Heather’s. Then she started changing her appearance and acting like someone else. No matter what I said, when I expressed concern, it only pushed her further away. Even Rachel tried to get through to her, but nothing worked. We could see how toxic Heather was for her, and we watched her self-worth disappear like a cloud coming undone in a storm.”
I leaned forward and rubbed my temples and looked up at Anita. “What happened at the end? To Mae, I mean.”
Anita looked at me a moment and sighed. “Right after Heather finished getting the rest of her things, Mae got on her bike and disappeared for a couple of days. We were sick with worry. I took my Jeep and looked everywhere for her, called her parents, and kept trying to reach Mae. I finally spotted her bike at a cabin she had gone to before to write. I’m just glad I thought of it.”
Anita stared out of the window in the office as if she were watching a replay of the memory.
“She opened the door as I was getting out of my Jeep, and I could tell she wasn’t ok. Her clothes were messy, eyes puffy and red, and she hadn’t taken a shower in a couple days. There were emptied bottles of whiskey and pages ripped from her journal all over the cabin. She was too ashamed to reach out to me or Rachel. I just held her for a while, and she wept, like it was deep from her soul. I’ve never seen her that broken. I made coffee and got a shower running for her, and then while she got herself cleaned up, I cleaned up the cabin. We burned the journal pages while we drank coffee and let her sober up. She stayed with me for couple of weeks to make sure she was ok.”
I pictured Mae in the depths of the pain and felt a keen awareness of how hard Heather’s presence actually was for her. Mae hadn’t wanted to talk about it over the weekend after Heather’s arrival. I thought it was because she didn’t want to focus on that when we had time together. But hearing more, I worried it might be more than that. “Do you think she is ok?”
“Dani, I’m going to level with you. I love Mae, and I mean it when I say you are so good together. She’s being herself again, and you don’t try to change who she is. I don’t think she would ever go back to Heather, no matter what Heather pulled out of her ass, but I do worry about the pain coming back just by Heather’s presence. I’m scared about how that pain might affect her. She’s an over-thinker and a deep feeler. She will need us to check in even if she doesn’t ask, especially if she doesn’t ask.”
I trusted what Anita said and the care she had for Mae. I nodded as I stood up.
As I went upstairs, Mae stayed heavy on my mind, and I couldn’t shake thinking of her lost in all that sadness. I closed the notebook I was working in and lay on the bed and cued up Eva Cassidy, “Kathy’s Song,” while I closed my eyes, returning to her voice for solace and comfort.
Mae
When I got to work a little early on Monday afternoon, I wanted to see how the meeting with Heather went. Dani wasn’t downstairs, and Anita said she had gone upstairs to work on some music. I went to check on her and tapped on her door. There was no answer, so I cracked open the door and called for her, “Dani?”
When she still didn’t respond, I opened the door a little more and saw her lying on the bed, asleep with her earbuds in. I smiled and walked in, gently closing the door behind me. I leaned over Dani and touched my lips to hers, and she opened her eyes and smiled at me.
“Now, this seems familiar,” I smiled before kissing her again.
“Except this time I didn’t scare you away,” Dani laughed as she touched my hair, then she turned and patted the space next to her, inviting me to lie down next to her. “How are you, love?”
“I’m fine. At least I think so. I’m just trying to focus on saving SASH. How did it go today?” I asked.
She paused a moment. “It was good. Rachel and I went over to the church and met with Lara and Heather. I think they have a really solid idea for getting more support from the community.”
“That is good to hear.” I did feel glad to hear that. I just wished it came from someone else.
“So, after that, Rachel and Lara had to go meet with someone about their wedding plans,” she continued. “Which left me alone with Heather for a bit.”
I felt my eyes avert away from Dani. “What was that like?” I imagined Dani alone with Heather and how Heather could say a thousand things to sabotage the connection Dani and I shared.
“She drove me back, and she asked me about the slander I received in the newspaper. Rachel had mentioned we should talk about it. She thinks the plan will help with my reputation, too. Before that, it was a little awkward, though. She tried to get a little more personal on the way, asking me if I missed home. She told me she went to school in Oregon—which I didn’t know of course, and it caught me off guard a little. We talked a little bit about how beautiful the area is.”
Dani must have known how I was feeling, because then she touched my hair. “I can’t wait for you to see it and to share it with you.”
I smiled at her and hugged her before I got up. “I’ll see you in a little bit. I have to get to work.”
“I love you. Let me know if you need me. I’ll be here working on a song.”
I went back downstairs and started making some lemonade for group. Anita walked in to check on me and rubbed the back of my shoulders.
“You doin ok?” she asked me.
“I think so,” I replied and put my arm around her to give her a side hug while I stirred with my other arm. “Thank you. I think between you and Dani, I’ll probably be ok.”
At group time with the residents, there were a lot of questions about what would happen if our efforts to stay open failed. I tried to encourage everyone to think positively and talked about how Heather had helped SASH before, and how her efforts had helped other LGBTQ organizations thrive and find support across the Southeast. My stomach lurched to talk about her so positively, but what I said was true, and I knew I couldn’t let my own feelings and the history I had with Heather cloud the residents’ hopes.
Over the next week, more news came of the potential for an ordinance that would cause us to have shut down. There was talk that there may even be a vote for county residents to take on in August, to decide if SASH would be allowed to remain in the county. The prospect of a vote frightened me, but we had to stay focused on how we could win against whatever The Way and their allies might do. Heather didn’t come to our staff meetings, which I was thankful for. She kept her word and focused on working behind the scenes and making connections within the area.
By the time Friday rolled around, we all felt anxious to hear what the report would be from Heather. Rachel planned for Jesse to take the residents out for an evening of pizza and bowling so that we could have a meeting with Heather over dinner, and so they could have a good distraction from all of their own worries. Lara came, and so did a few board members. About an hour before the meeting, a blue Subaru pulled into the drive, and Rachel looked out the window as her eyes filled with tears. A woman with salt and pepper hair walked in and embraced Rachel. It was Cynthia, a former school counselor who had taken Rachel in when she was a runaway. She had driven all the way from her home in Asheville, NC, to be there for Rachel. She was retired, but still very active in volunteer work and advocacy. She had served on the board of directors for SASH from the beginning and then took a step back to participate on a lower level once she retired and moved out of state.
Cynthia had adopted Rachel as her own, and she had also come to help with wedding planning. Lara walked in from the living room and embraced Cynthia, too.
“I can’t believe you are here.” Rachel held onto her again.
“Well, I can’t imagine being anywhere else.” She looked at Rachel and Lara and then walked toward me. “Mae, how are you? Oh, it is so good to see you,” she said as she hugged me.
“I’m doing great! You look fantastic,” I replied.
“Thanks, honey.” She smiled and then looked toward the dining room. “Who is this?”
I turned around to see Dani standing and smiling. I walked over and put my arm around her, and introduced Dani to Cynthia.
“Cynthia is the school counselor who took me in,” Rachel said, smiling as she walked into the room.
Dani’s mouth spread into a wide grin, and she took a step forward with her hand outstretched. “I have heard so much about you! I am so honored to meet you!”
Cynthia laughed warmly and took both of Dani’s hands. “I’m honored to meet you, too.”
We sat down at the table, and Heather soon arrived and flashed a grin. I hoped she was bringing good news. Anita and I poured glasses of wine and passed supper around the table. I sat next to Dani and held her hand. I noticed Heather glance over at us, but then turn to talk with the board members instead.
Over dinner, Heather shared what she had learned from talking with more people in the community. She had reached out to local officials who had a track record of wanting to help marginalized groups. There were only two of them, but it was a start. They both expressed unwavering support for the work of SASH and even suggested that some of their more conservative counterparts might come around if they formed a meaningful connection. That bit of information offered us all a more hopeful outlook as we looked ahead.
Lara shared that she had spoken with leaders of other congregations that had partnered with Open Hearts for other ministry and mission work, and they were supportive and ready to help with keeping SASH open.
Heather had a plan for continuing to reach out to the people she had already been in touch with, and she talked with us about the importance of reaching out to others, like people who work in the schools where the residents attend. She went over her idea for forums where Dani would sing, and a panel of people could share stories and talk about the positive impacts of support and love like SASH offered.
The board echoed their excitement for the plans moving forward, and the room felt as if we breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Then, Heather looked at me for a moment, silent, and continued, “There’s one more thing. Something that I think may be a game-changer for us. I reached out to a family in Northeast Georgia, the Reynolds. Their daughter, Rebecca, was gay, and they rejected her when she came out. Unfortunately, the damage they caused went deep, and she died by suicide. I think their story can be powerful and serve as a warning. They aren’t eager to talk about what happened, but at the same time, they want to help other families avoid their mistakes. They can’t imagine speaking in front of a group, but they are willing to create a video, so we will get to work on that soon. It will be a way for them to share that will protect them from facing questions and conversations that may be too intense for them to handle.”
I felt like a knife had stabbed me in the side, and my heart pounded in my chest. The room seemed to darken. I couldn’t believe Heather had talked with them without even warning me. She knew I was part of that story. I was the one who told her about what happened back when we ... I wrapped my hand around Dani’s and gripped it as tightly as I could.
Dani leaned in closer to me and cleared her throat and then said something about needing to get her things and head with me to my house so she could work on her music for the upcoming shows. Anita looked at me and then looked at Heather, and her eyes flashed with anger. I knew she would not let this go.
I got up with Dani and left the room just as Heather called my name.
As we went upstairs, I could hear Anita’s raised voice. “Are you shittin me right now? Oh, hell no! Don’t you dare. I’m fixin to tell you everything I been holding up for months.”
We got Dani’s guitar and bag and headed downstairs to find Heather outside on the porch, as if she were waiting.
“I’m sorry, Mae. I should have warned you.” Heather took a step toward me.
“Yes, you should have,” Dani answered her and pulled my hand along as we walked down to my truck and left Heather alone on the porch.
Fourteen
Dani
I understood why Heather thought the Reynolds story could help save SASH, but her recklessness and insensitivity toward Mae infuriated me. I had only known Mae for a couple of months, and even I knew how deeply it would affect her. Heather had to know, too. Over the weekend, Mae told me she was worried about what Heather might be up to. To be honest, so was I.
On Monday, Rachel asked Mae to sit down to talk with her and Heather. Mae agreed to meet with them but asked if I could be there, too.
Before we went into Rachel’s office, Mae looked at me. “I’m sorry for asking you to do this Dani. I just need another person in my corner, and I know Anita would have a hard time staying calm.”
“Maybe that’s why you should have asked Anita,” I smiled at her, but she didn’t smile back and bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to make you smile. I’m glad you asked me.” I took her hand as we walked in.
After an awkward silence in the beginning, Rachel spoke with a firm tone toward Heather. “I had some hesitations about bringing you here to help. When you were here before, you did good work, but you also did some serious damage. I feel protective of Mae, and all of our SASH family. I need you to promise me you will show a little more sensitivity and kindness for everyone involved. And I do mean everyone.”
“I understand, and I promise.” Heather looked at Rachel and then turned to Mae. “I know you probably won’t believe me, but I am sorry, Mae. I never forgot about the Reynolds family after you told me what happened with Rebecca, and I just wanted to do something meaningful, to help the other Rebeccas in the world, as you used to say.” Heather looked down for a moment, and her hair fell beside her face, so I couldn’t read her expression. Mae swallowed hard, and I squeezed her hand.
“I know I should have told you earlier. I thought I would surprise you with their video, because I didn’t think you would feel comfortable talking with me alone.” She looked up and met Mae’s eyes. “Obviously, I’m right since you needed Dani here in addition to Rachel.” She sighed and looked down again.
My face burned, and my jaw tightened. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what words to use or even what point I wanted to get across. Before I could figure out something to say, I noticed Heather’s shoulders soften, and she rubbed her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she leaned forward in her chair, hands together. “This is hard for me, too. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Mae, not now or before, for what it’s worth. I was just trying to do something good. I’m sorry, Dani, for dragging you into my own stuff, and Rachel, I promise I can put everything aside and do the work you asked me to do.” She looked down again, silent.
Mae’s face reddened, and I noticed tears in her eyes which she refused to let fall.
I looked up as Rachel spoke softly, “I know this is hard. I don’t think anyone expected it to be easy. But I do hope you can do your best to just focus on our common goal and for you to keep the lines of communication open. I am here. I know Lara would be willing to listen, too, and we can all meet together more if that’s what it takes to get through the next month or so. But nobody has to go it alone, ok?”
Mae’s voice cracked as it broke through, soft yet resolute, “We can make it work. This is important, and—” she paused and looked up “—I’m sorry, too, Heather. I will try to be more open, and I’ll try not to assume the worst of you. You’re right that the Reynolds using their story will have an amazing impact. You all know how I’ve made it my life mission to help other people like Rebecca. But mostly, her story deserves to be told. So, thank you, Heather, for remembering and making sure that happens.”
I held Mae’s hand with both of mine. I knew it had to be difficult and confusing for her to have so much from her past brought up at once in the middle of trying to save the future of SASH.
After the meeting, Mae seemed more herself. She focused on her work, and in the evenings she helped me go through ideas for songs I could use in the forums. We talked about going back to Northeast Georgia and made a plan to go visit her parents again the following weekend. I hoped it would be a helpful getaway from The Way and all we faced, but more than that, I wanted her to have space away from Heather.
My own working closely with Heather felt like working on an album with a producer who might not understand my vision for a project. I knew we had to work well together, but I didn’t trust her intentions. She asked me to come to the apartment where she was staying so we could map out a plan together for my role in the community events.
I walked into Heather’s living room and sat down on her couch. She got glasses of water for us, and sat down in the floor across from me, the coffee table in between us. She pulled out a portfolio with a notepad filled with notes. Her organization and focus made me feel a little more at ease.
We talked about the areas we would visit. She had a map of the area and placed stickers on the towns we would need to visit within the county, and she had planned a meeting with the board and a few prominent citizens of Alabama. It seemed like she had everything covered. In all, we would have seven forums over a period of nine days. It seemed like a lot, but I knew it gave us a good chance at building lasting support.
She went over her notes for what she was planning to talk about, her plan for working in the Reynolds video, and success stories from former residents.
