Broken to Belong, page 20
“Why don’t you come upstairs and get a refill of water? It’s been a brutal morning with this heat.”
“Ok. Sure.”
I followed her upstairs and into her kitchen. I gulped down one bottle then refilled again.
She held open the door to her fridge after she replaced the pitcher.
“Why don’t you stay for a while? I’ll make us some lunch.”
I hesitated but then thought of how well we had been getting along all morning. “Ok. Just for a little bit.”
We sat down in her living room, and between the water, the salad she made, and the air conditioning, I finally felt cooled down.
“I have some news,” she said and put her hair behind her ears. “There’s a good chance I’m going to accept a position at a local university, building up their LGBTQ resource center.”
“Wow, Heather. That actually sounds great for you.” I paused. “So you’ll be moving to Alabama?”
“Most likely, yes. I mean I will if I accept the offer, and I’m leaning toward it. I want to switch from all of the behind the scenes work I’ve done for years and do something that directly serves our community.” She winked. “I guess you really inspired me with all that you’ve done. And Rachel, too.”
Heat rose to my face, and we sat in silence for a few moments.
“So, I guess Dani is leaving soon after the vote to go to Nashville?”
“Yeah, she is,” I sighed, thankful for the change in subject.
“So, what are you going to do? When she goes back to Oregon?” She rested her chin on her hand.
“Well, I’m hoping she will be back soon to visit, and I know it would be a long time, but maybe she would even be willing to move closer one day.” I looked up at Heather, and she shifted in her seat.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” She looked away.
A strong sinking feeling permeated my body. “What do you mean? What are you talking about?”
“I’m sorry, Mae. I thought you and Dani would have talked about it by now, as close as I thought you were.” She paused. “I really shouldn’t tell you, but Dani told me that she wants to stay in Oregon. She’s had such a hard time here, and she can’t see herself coming back. She was hoping you would leave, but I know you better than that. I know how important your family and your work are to you.”
I swallowed and stared ahead.
Heather added, “I didn’t say anything to her. I just let her talk, and I figured it was up to the two of you to work it out together.”
I looked down, and she touched my hand. “I’m sorry, Mae. I truly am. What can I do?” She spoke in a soft voice.
I could only whisper back. “Nothing.” I just stared. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I knew Dani seemed down about being back and that she had seemed a little withdrawn. Why hadn’t I put those things together? Why didn’t she trust me enough to tell me? Were we kidding ourselves that we could find a way?
“I need to go,” I stood up.
Heather got up, too, and walked me to the door.
“Are you ok?” she touched my arm. I looked at her and shook my head, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t hold back the tears. She put her arms out and pulled me in, and I cried on her shoulder. She put one hand on the back of my head, her other arm around my back, holding me close to her. It felt odd, but familiar, her strong arms around me, her soft dark hair near my face. The tension of wanting to push her away swirled with the comfort of being embraced.
“You don’t deserve this, Mae. I don’t want to see you hurt,” she said softly. “And I know I hurt you, and I feel terrible for everything I put you through, and if I had it to do over again, I would love you the way you deserve to be.” She put her head down closer to mine, and I held on to her a little tighter, hugging her back.
“You have to look out for yourself, Mae. SASH needs you, and you know, if Dani can’t make some kind of sacrifice for you, then maybe she isn’t good enough for you. And maybe there’s someone else who’s willing to make changes and be who and where you need her to be so you can thrive.”
I turned my head to look away, not wanting to listen to what she was saying. I loved Dani, and I didn’t want to give up.
Before I could look back, Heather turned my head toward her face and kissed me.
I froze. A flood of feelings and memories washed over me, the love, the tenderness we had in the beginning, the grief, the fury, the confusion, and for a few moments, I couldn’t think or move before I finally pulled away.
“I have to go. Now.” I hurried out the door, down the stairs and into my truck. I drove away to put as much distance between us as I could.
I got home and went straight to the shower. I stood and let the water hit me, feeling the cool water on my warm face. After I got out of the shower and got dressed, I saw the picture of Rebecca and me on my nightstand. What would she have thought if she saw me?
I trudged to my kitchen and opened a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and stared at it.
I looked at my phone to see what time it was, and I had a text from Dani.
Things are ok here. Sad, but ok. Hope you are well. I’ll call soon. I love you.
My throat felt tight, and I put the bottle back. I got out my journal, hoping that writing would help me release some of what I carried. I couldn’t say anything to anyone else. As I opened to a blank page, I paused and realized for the first time in a while, I felt truly alone.
Twenty-One
Dani
I stayed on autopilot as I helped Jen with boxing up and labeling Dad’s things. Each room reminded me how little I knew him, and I realized I had no reference for what he was like after the day I left home, no way to know if anything I knew and loved of him had remained. In the middle of his CD collection, sat all four of my albums. I picked them up and looked over them for a moment before setting them down again. Why did he have those? Did he listen to them? What did he think of the music I had written, the way I bled my emotions through the songs straight from the wounds he gifted me?
Jen held one of his jackets as she sat on the sofa and looked around the living room. “Do you want anything?”
I shook my head as she took a deep breath and put the jacket down and rested her hand on it. “I think I’ll keep this, but we should give the rest of his clothes to a local shelter.”
“Are you ok, Jen?” I sat down next to her, and she wiped her eyes.
“What can I do?” My voice softened the silence. Where Jen felt sadness, I felt numb, so I tried to shift my focus on the opportunity to be supportive for her like she had always been for me.
“I don’t think there’s anything you can do, Dani. Maybe if we just sit here and talk about something else for a bit. Just anything to get my mind somewhere else. Maybe you can tell me more about how things are going with Mae?” Jen squeezed my hand and looked me in the eye.
“Sure. Well, what do you want to know?”
“I don’t know. I do really like her.” She pushed her hair out of her face.
“Me, too!” I said laughing. It made Jen chuckle, and I smiled at her. “I never expected to meet someone this summer, especially not in the South. But you know, she captivated me from the beginning. And as I’ve gotten to know her more, I’ve just been drawn further in. The love I have for her feels different from anything else I’ve known.”
Jen grinned at me. “I’m so happy for you.” She patted my hand. Then she looked off into the distance, thinking as her smile faded.
“Dani, will she move? Will you move? What’s going to happen? I know you’ve faced a lot of prejudice this summer, and I would worry about you if you moved to Alabama. It just seems so harsh, and you’ve had enough rejection in your life. You don’t need more hatred and vitriol thrown your way.”
“Yeah, Dad took care of that department,” I spoke without thinking first. Jen grimaced then touched my hand.
“Dani, there’s so much I want to say to you, but there really aren’t words. The way Dad treated you …” she rubbed her eyes. “You know how I feel about it. It was terrible. And just because he died doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten any of that. I love you, and I’m always on your side.”
I held her hand. “And I know. You aren’t just a sister, you’re my best friend. The best I’ve ever had.” I gave her hand a squeeze before letting go.
I stood and walked over to a window and pushed my hair back away from my face and forehead, holding it back while I thought.
“I can’t move to Alabama,” I turned to look at Jen. “It’s just so damn hostile to me … the heat, the hate, the humidity.”
“You should write a tourism brochure with all that alliteration.” Jen smirked at her wise crack, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
I thought a moment as I looked at my sister. “I have to talk to Mae when I get back,” I sighed as I sat down again. “I want to ask her to come with me to Oregon again, just to give her some more time visiting there. If I’m honest though, I don’t think it would work. I don’t think she would move far away.” I stared at the floor and focused on the patterns in the rug.
“You know, I talked with Lara about all of this. She encouraged me to be open minded about things that may come along we haven’t even thought of, but I don’t even know what that might look like, or if there even is any other way. I just want to be open if it means more of a chance. I love her, Jen. I don’t know what’s next, but I know I want to experience it with her.”
Jen put her arms around me and held me tight, just like she had always done.
We spent a few more hours sorting through dad’s house and shed, packing up the rest of what we would donate. Later that afternoon, we drove to a local bank to settle dad’s finances. When we got to the bank, the branch manager took us into her office and expressed her condolences. She brought us a safety deposit box as well as printouts detailing dad’s accounts and then left to give us some privacy.
Jen’s mouth dropped open, and she handed me the top paper. It turned out dad had invested well since the divorce, and with my share, I was inheriting a significant amount of money. I felt shocked, a little angry, confused, and hurt. Did he think this was a way to make up for what he had done?
“I don’t want it,” I whispered, looking up at Jen. I paused and looked out the office window. I watched a woman get out of her car, then go around to the back and open the door. A little girl with braided hair squinted as she got out of the car and took the woman’s hand. I watched them walk toward the bank, and I looked back at Jen.
“I know what I’m going to do with it,” I said, a bit surprised at the resolve in my own voice, and Jen squeezed my hand as if she knew.
“If it’s what I think you are thinking, Dani, I’m in,” she said to me. I knew it would take some more talking and planning, but I hoped we could get it worked out before the end of the year.
Later that night, we drank wine and talked at the fire pit in the backyard. We would be leaving the next day, and it would be awhile until we could see each other again. Jen asked me to come to her house to stay before I started touring again. With the way my music career had ramped up in the past couple of years, the only extended time I had for visits had been around the holidays, and planning a visit with my sister was long overdue.
The next morning, she loaded her SUV with a few things she kept of Dad’s. I had a small box shipped back home with a few baseball cards, some pictures, and a few books on astronomy. When she dropped me off at the airport, I held her tightly and kissed her cheek before I headed inside. She held the back of my head in her hand.
“I’m proud of you Dani.”
She stood and watched me go inside, waving again as I walked to the check-in counter.
Loneliness kept me company on my trip back to Alabama. I had too much time to think. I worried about Jen, then my mind turned to worrying over the vote and whether The Way would do anything else to hurt SASH. I only had a couple weeks left in Alabama before I would head up to Nashville to start recording, and I dreaded leaving Mae. My mind swirled from one thought to the next, and before I knew it, the captain announced that the plane was landing.
Soon, I saw Lara smiling and waving outside the luggage claim, and my pace quickened to meet her. I hugged her and walked with her to her car.
“How have things been here?” I asked as she put her key in the ignition.
“Stressful,” she chuckled a little. As she turned onto the road, she glanced over at me, more serious. “The local radio station has been doing polls, and it’s tight. So we can’t be sure of anything.”
“How’s Rachel holding up?” As we drove along the same path Rachel had driven me on when I first arrived in Alabama, I thought of her story. I replayed her telling it to me and the way it rubbed across the open wound in my heart as we drove to SASH that first time. It felt like a whole year had passed, even though it had only been a couple of months.
“She’s hanging in there. She’s quiet a lot, and she tries to put on a brave face when she’s at work. But I see how broken she is over it all when it’s just us.” Lara shifted in her seat. “I think it’s good she has Cynthia here, too. She’s been so supportive to Rachel. Well, you know how she helped her back when she was homeless.”
I nodded as Lara glanced over again.
She focused her eyes back on the road. “I think because of that, she gives Rachel a sense of home that keeps her grounded. She’ll be ok. How about you, Dani? We haven’t talked much since everything that’s happened with you.”
“I’m hanging in there, too. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been hard, though.” My voice faltered and I looked out of my window. “When I was a kid, he gave me this telescope for my birthday. It was a big deal to me, and when we went over his will, he had left instructions that led me to find it in his shed with a little note. He also left me half of his finances, and that’s confused me. Like, I wonder if it’s because he thought it would somehow reconcile the way he treated me.”
“Dani, that is so confusing. I don’t know of anything I can say or do to help, but I am here, and you can say as much or as little as you need.”
“Thanks, Lara,” I looked out of the window at the fields and trees for a few minutes. The green fullness of midsummer had started to yellow, giving way to the beginning of brown and dry.
“You want to hear something crazy?” I asked, breaking the silence. “Before Dad passed, I talked to him while he was unconscious, and I forgave him.” I looked over at Lara, and her lips curled into a slight smile.
“I don’t even know exactly what forgiveness is or what it means. It still hurts, what Dad did and said to me, but I was able to let him go at the end, and I let him know he didn’t owe me anything. I didn’t want anything from him.” I paused and looked over at Lara, “But dammit, here he is leaving me half of everything.” We both laughed.
Before I knew it, we were back. I saw Mae’s truck parked in front of the house, and I felt my heart skip a beat. I couldn’t wait to see her and have some time to talk. I got my bag out of Lara’s trunk and looked at the house as I walked toward the entrance. I couldn’t believe it had been so many weeks since I first laid my eyes on it, or that my time there was almost over. I walked inside, and I saw Mae walking toward the door to greet us.
She hugged me and told me she was glad I was back. I held her tightly and kissed her, and she put her head against mine. I wondered if something was wrong, but before I could ask, Rachel came from the office and hugged me, welcoming me back. We all headed for the dining room, and I felt Mae’s hand on my arm, barely there and almost slipping away.
Mae
When Dani got back, I felt a strong urge to hide. I had to tell her what happened with Heather, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything yet. There had to be too much on her mind to handle anything else, and the fact she had been immersed in her dad’s death when it happened only added to my shame. We had a limited amount of time left before she would leave for Nashville, and I wanted to be with her. Yet, the walls around my heart started to rebuild, even against my will.
The first couple of days after she got back flew by. We all busied ourselves to keep from worrying too much about the vote. Rachel paced the floor between phone calls. She knew her mood impacted the rest of the staff, so she kept to herself instead of talking. We could still see it on her face, as the lines deepened, and her eyes displayed the reddened and tired hallmarks from tears she tried to hide.
One evening, Dani and I went to the garden together to pick flowers for the dinner table. We figured it would brighten the mood a little and hoped it would bring a sense of normalcy to everyone. The air hung thick with muggy heat. I looked over at Dani as she took the zinnia stems in her hands and cut them with the garden shears. Her shoulders bore the sun-kissed look of summertime, her hairline damp with sweat, further framing her face. I wanted to stay in that moment, just looking at her, but the memory of what happened forced my eyes away.
“I can’t believe summer is almost over,” Dani spoke, breaking the silence. My mind churned with what I wanted to say in response, but all I could manage was a nod of my head.
“Mae, I can’t stay here. I know you know that much, but I mean—I can’t live in Alabama. Or Georgia. Or anywhere near here. It’s just—maybe I should wait until the vote is over to talk about it, but we have to face what’s ahead, and I don’t know—try to figure something out. We’re running out of time before I leave.”
I looked into Dani’s green eyes and struggled to hold their gaze.
“I know,” I sighed. “You’re right. We can’t avoid it anymore.”
Thunder rumbled in the distance, and we looked up to see a storm moving in. Dani frowned as tiny globes of water began to fall from the sky. Before we could move, the cloud erupted and pelted down on us.
