Broken to Belong, page 18
I thought of everything Dani had shared with me about her dad and the pain in her eyes every time she brought him up. “I’m sure it is, Dani. Listen, I want to come out there and just be there with you. Would that be ok?” I waited as she started crying.
“Yeah. I think that would help me a lot. I’m trying to be there for Jen, but we are just in such different places with him. I think I need someone else here with me, so I’m not alone when she is doing what she needs to do you know?”
“Ok, love. I’ll update you once I know more. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Why don’t you try to get some rest?”
“Ok, babe. That’s probably a good idea. I need to try to sleep. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
By the time we hung up, it was a little after five. I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I made some coffee and took a shower then started packing. I ate a small breakfast and then called Anita once I knew she was awake. I told her I planned to go to Missouri to be with Dani, and she asked if there was anything Dani or I needed.
When I called Rachel, she told me to take as much time as I needed, and that she would ask Jesse to cover my shifts. Lara said she could take me to the airport, and to just let her know what time to pick me up.
I was almost done packing when my phone rang. It was Heather. Not now.
I stared at my phone for a moment before I answered, “Hello?”
“Hey, Mae. I know I’m probably the last person you want a call from right now, well except for maybe Lenny Phillips.”
I chuckled, and guilt for laughing washed over me.
“Anyway, Rachel told me about Dani’s dad passing and that you’re heading out to Missouri. I want to help—can I take care of your flight?”
My mouth was dry as I tried to answer. I needed to keep up my boundaries. I didn’t want the help from her, but I also knew I needed it. “Actually, that would help out a lot. Thank you, Heather. Oh and thanks for helping Dani get out there so fast.” I closed my eyes and bit my lip in the awkward quiet that followed.
“Of course. I’ll book your flight and send you the details. Stay safe.”
“Ok. Thanks again. You too.”
I hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed and stared at it for a second. I shook my head, and refocused on getting ready to leave.
Lara picked me up at eight, and I was in Missouri by the afternoon. Dani met me at the airport, and I sprinted to her as soon as I spotted her looking at me with red watery eyes. I held her for a long time, and she thanked me for coming before we went outside to the parking lot. She had driven her dad’s truck, an early 90s Ford with a bench seat. As we left the airport parking lot, she held my hand.
“I’m so glad you are here.” She gazed ahead at the road as she drove in silence for a few moments. “We’re staying at Dad’s house.” She winced. “It’s weird and uncomfortable, even without him there, but it makes sense with all we need to figure out and go through.”
I squeezed her hand, not knowing what to say that could bring comfort. I hoped being there was enough.
Dani drove us to the house, and her sister met us outside. Jennifer hugged me as I walked up, and her warm and welcoming nature helped me feel more at ease. I hated that we were meeting under such sad circumstances. I liked her right away.
Jen had their father's will, and the three of us sat down with a bottle of wine that night while she went over his final wishes. I held Dani’s hand while Jen read it out loud.
He wanted a memorial service at his church and to be cremated, his ashes scattered along his favorite riding route for his motorcycle.
He asked that one quarter of his money be donated to his church. He left the rest of his finances to be split between Jen and Dani. He also indicated there was something for Dani in his shed along with a letter. Everything would be in a box with Dani’s name on it.
Both Jen and Dani stared at the will. “I can’t believe …” was all Dani could say before looking away.
Jen went to the laundry room and came back with a flashlight and the key to the shed dangling from her other hand. Dani looked up and paused a moment before she stood up and took the flashlight. I followed them out the back door.
Despite a nearly full moon, the darkness of the night gave away how late it was. Missouri felt much cooler than Alabama, and I took a deep breath of the night air as we walked across the backyard to the shed. Jen unlocked the door and held it open while Dani held the flashlight and looked around.
It didn’t take long for her to find it. She handed the flashlight to Jen and took out the box. Dani placed it on the ground outside, then she crouched over it and opened the lid. There was an envelope at the top, crumpled newspaper below it. Dani opened the envelope, and Jen handed her the flashlight so she could see better. As she read the letter, she swallowed hard and handed the letter to Jen. Jen looked at it then handed it to me as she put her arm around Dani, and Dani buried her face into her sister’s shoulder.
I held it up to the moonlight to read it.
Dani,
Never stop reaching for the stars, kiddo.
Dad
Dani wiped her face with her forearm and then moved away the newspaper. She gasped, and then she reached down and pulled out a small telescope.
“Is that …?” I asked.
She nodded, her gentle laugh mingled with her tears.
“Oh, Dani ...” was all I could say while I hugged her.
Jen reached down and pulled a small stand from the box, and she set it down on the ground. Dani put the telescope on and stood and looked at it for a few minutes, breathing slowly.
Jen went back inside and came out with the wine bottle. Dani pointed the telescope toward the moon, and we all took turns looking through it. We spent a couple of hours out there looking through that little telescope and drinking wine from the bottle. Watching Dani and Jen, my heart expanded as I took comfort in the beauty of the bond they shared.
The next day, their mom came into town. She hugged me when she met me and thanked me for being there for Dani. Dani didn’t want to go to the service. She hated funerals and didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of being in the church her dad attended. While Jen and their mom went to the service, Dani and I drove out to a lake and talked.
“It’s so surreal,” she said to me. “But at the same time, it is real, and there’s nothing I can do. I did what I could. There’s no more trying.”
Finality has a strangeness to it. The things you still wish you could say, could do, or could try. No more trying.
I put my arm around her and put my head on her shoulder while we looked out across the lake.
“I’m not ready to come back to Alabama, Mae. I need to go further west, and go back home for a few days. I need to see the mountains and sleep in my own bed. I need a little respite before heading back to what we face.” She paused. “I want you to come with me. I need you to. Will you?”
“Of course, I will.” I held her and kissed her head. We stayed at the lake until we knew the service was over.
Late that afternoon, I went with Dani, Jen, and their mom to scatter the ashes along a road popular for motorcycle rides. I stood back a little out of respect and felt slightly out of place as I watched Jen, Dani, and their mom walk back with their arms around each other.
The next morning, Jen and Dani came up with a plan for coming back to St. Louis after Dani was finished with the forums in Alabama. Then they would go through the house and settle the estate. Jen encouraged Dani to go ahead and keep the truck and take it home to Oregon.
Late morning, Dani packed up the truck with her things and mine. Jen walked us to the truck and handed Dani the telescope.
“Be careful, Dani. I love you, and I’ll see you soon,” she said. She hugged me, too. “Mae, I hope I get to see you again sooner before later. It’s been great to get to know you a little. You take care, too.”
Dani and I got in the truck and headed out of town and westward, to Oregon, hoping to find something kinder before returning to the throes of hate.
Nineteen
Dani
The drive back to Oregon took three days. I was relieved to have Mae along so I wouldn’t feel so alone after all I had just been through, and it didn’t hurt that she helped with the drive. We stopped to rest in a couple of towns along the way, and for the first day and a half or so, we swapped stories about some of the other travels we had each been on. I told her about my first time playing in New York: I got a craving for Chinese food after sound check and almost missed my own show because I got lost trying to get back to the small theater. Mae shared funny stories about family vacations with her parents. I cracked up the most at her dad going the wrong direction one year and taking them to the wrong state.
We listened to music, and we talked about our past favorite concerts and what shows we’d attend if we could go see anyone living or dead. Mae’s top choice was Joni Mitchell. Mine was Eva Cassidy. I savored those couple of days with nothing to do but talk about the lighter things in life while we drove across the changing landscapes.
As we made our way into Idaho, my mind turned back to Alabama and all of the turmoil we would soon return to.
“So, how are you feeling about SASH’s chances?” I glanced at Mae before setting my eyes back on the roadway.
“I’m hopeful. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried, too.” She shifted a little in her seat. I reached over and touched her hand a moment.
“What about Heather?” I asked. “I’ve actually been surprised by her in some ways, but how are you doing with it all? I know it’s really different for you.”
“To be honest, it’s been confusing. At first, I only saw the same manipulation and control I’ve been used to, you know especially with how she handled the video situation. But, after she took that hit for Lara and after all she has done to help tell Rebecca’s story, and then her coming to make sure I got home safe that night I was followed …” Mae paused a moment, then stared out of her window again.
“Do you think she has changed?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Mae looked over at me. “In some ways, yes, and in others, I just don’t know. I’d like to think so.” Mae returned her gaze outside. “Just thirty more miles to Oregon.”
She kept her head turned, watching the fields go by, and we rode together in silence for a little while.
As we made our way into Oregon, Mae commented about how beautiful it was. I couldn’t help but smile at her enjoying the beauty of it as we got closer and closer to my home. I loved it, too, and as the mountains came into view, my shoulders eased, and I breathed in deeply.
Once we got into town, we stopped by a grocery store for a few things and pulled into my driveway a couple hours before sundown. As the small rustic A-frame came into view, I sighed and looked at Mae. “This is it. Home at last.”
When we walked in, the tongue and groove walls and cast-iron wood stove grounded me. The skylights and large windows allowed in sunlight filtered through the conifer trees surrounding my home. I grinned as Mae stood and looked around, taking in the beauty I had missed.
I walked into the kitchen and noticed my mail on the stone countertop, placed there by my neighbor. She had also left a kind note with a bag of homemade biscotti and a box of jasmine green tea. I opened the fridge to put the groceries away and saw a pot of homemade soup, her usual way of welcoming me back home when I had been away for a while.
Mae and I warmed up the soup and then went outside to sit awhile. When darkness fell, I brought out the telescope, and we looked at the stars. We stayed mostly quiet that evening, exhausted from all of our driving, and we drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.
I had dreamed of Mae coming to stay with me in Oregon since we’d gone to visit her parents. I hated that we would be on a short timeline and that the reason I was home was to have some respite from all the heaviness. I wanted, so desperately, for Mae to fall in love with Oregon so much that she would say she could move there one day. Even though I couldn’t say that out loud to her, I had to hold on to that hope.
We spent the mornings at my house, just resting, playing board games, and spending time together with nothing else to worry about while we had the chance. Still, we both knew the storm was ever present, looming in our minds and raging over two thousand miles away.
In the afternoons, we went hiking. I took her to some of my favorite trails, and one afternoon, we ventured closer to some of the bigger mountains in the area.
While we were trekking through the forest, I stopped at a majestic Douglas fir and admired the way the tree stretched so high, I could barely see the top. The branches spread in a glorious display, and I took in the aroma of rich earth and evergreen.
Mae came beside me, and I took her hand. We stood in silence and shared the moment together, and I drew in a deep breath, letting the sacred nature of the tree permeate my body and mind.
“What are you thinking, Dani?” she spoke in a near whisper.
I looked at her and back out at the forest.
“This is one of my favorite trails. I haven’t been here in almost a year, but I still know it. I still know where it’s heading, and what to expect when we get to the overlook. But I also don’t know what to expect—what trees may have fallen, what new plants have sprouted, what trees have grown and created new lines on the horizon. In some ways, it feels like where I am now in life. I don’t know what lies ahead exactly, but I feel comfort in that it feels familiar somehow, and I trust that I’m going in the right direction. At least I hope so.”
We resumed our walk down the trail, hand in hand, and in my heart, I wondered if that sense of knowing paired with hope would be enough to sustain me, to sustain us for what was to come.
On our last night in Oregon, I pulled out some vinyl records, and put on Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. I took Mae’s hand, and we danced in my living room as we listened to “They Can’t Take that Away from Me.” Her cheek brushed across mine, warm and soft, her chestnut hair close enough for me to take in its scent as we moved to the music. I had often longed to dance to those songs with someone special. Then there we were—with the glow of candlelight, the crackle of the needle on old vinyl, the taste of wine on our lips, and the stars peeking down through the sky lights. I wished I could stay there, holding on to that moment, and holding to love that would be for no one to take away.
Mae
The beauty of Oregon blew me away. The natural wonders around us rejuvenated me. I had never been anywhere quite like it, and Dani’s home somehow gave me a feeling close to the serenity I felt at my parents’ house.
While I was with Dani in Oregon, I tried to imagine what it could be like to live there. We held hands as we walked in public, and every time, I felt grateful for the ability to do that without the worry that we would be attacked. It seemed simple yet foreign from what I was used to in the South. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling of how hard it would be to be that far away from my family and to leave SASH and the work I had dedicated my life to.
As our flight took off to take us back to Alabama, I watched the mountain ranges disappear into the clouds, uncertain of when I might see them again. It was a long trip back, and the jet lag depleted all of my energy. By the time we landed in Alabama, it was after dark.
Rachel and Lara picked us up at the airport to drive us back. As the four of us rode southward, Rachel and Lara checked in on Dani.
Rachel turned her head to the side. “Dani, listen. I know that you’ve been through a lot, and we’ve asked a lot more than what you originally agreed to help with. If you need to sit out of any or all of these forums …”
“No way, Rachel.” Dani chuckled. “Are you kidding me? They are in four days. That’s not enough time to plan something else.”
Lara and Rachel glanced at each other.
“You know I’m right. Besides, I wouldn’t dream of backing out even if I could. This is important to me, and I think it will help me to have this, ok? I’m ok.”
Dani reached for my hand, and Lara smiled as Rachel nodded her head.
“So what have we missed?” I leaned forward a little in my seat.
Lara spoke up. “Well, we haven’t had any other major attacks. Just the normal rhetoric and protests we’ve been seeing from The Way. But, Heather sure hasn’t let up. She’s been working her magic with a couple of radio spots and a guest appearance on the Birmingham morning show for Rachel. She’s raised some awareness beyond the county and into parts of the state that have more money, and we’ve had some folks reach out wanting to help.”
“It’s pretty amazing actually. Heather’s a rock star.” Rachel’s voice trailed off and she looked out of the window.
I pictured Heather orchestrating it all and beaming at the impact she had made, her ferocity paying off. It made me think of when she was at SASH the first time, and then most recently when she came to make sure I got home safely. The back of my neck burned, and I pulled gently at my shirt to keep it away from my neck, hoping no-one would notice in the dark.
It was nearly 2 AM on Saturday morning when we got back, and Dani stayed with me at my house so she wouldn’t wake anyone at SASH. I got up early and made breakfast for the two of us and woke Dani up with a kiss and mug of coffee. We spent the early morning together, then I took her back to SASH so she could have plenty of time to rehearse her songs and reconnect with everyone before she would meet up with Heather that night to review and time their parts for the forums.
After I dropped Dani off, I drove back home, and heaviness stretched across my chest as I thought over the trip with Dani. I called Anita and asked her to come over. I knew I needed to talk to someone who could get it, and we sat down that evening on my back porch.
“How’s Dani?” Anita asked. “I didn’t get to see her much today.”
