Believe for It, page 9
• What are some ways you can pour into the next generation in the area of emotional wellness?
1. Kayla N. Anderson, Lakshmi Radhakrishnan, Rashon I. Lane, et al., “Changes and Inequities in Adult Mental Health-Related Emergency Department Visits during the COVID-19 Pandemic in the US,” Jama Psychiatry 79, no. 5 (2022): 475– 485, https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2022.0164; “The State of Mental Health in America,” Mental Health America, accessed June 20, 2022, www.mhanational.org/issues/state-mental-health-america.
2. Jamie Ballard, “Millennials Are the Loneliest Generation,” YouGov, July 30, 2019, https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2019/07/30/loneliness-friendship-new-friends-poll-survey.
CHAPTER
• seven •
IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIP
Growing up with nine siblings, I was never lonely. There was always someone around to play with, joke with, get into trouble with, or sing with. There was no being an introvert in the Winans family—Lord knows, I tried. We were all up in each other’s business. Being the firstborn girl with seven older brothers had its perks: I was little princess CeCe. It also had its liabilities: I sometimes got in trouble for joining in on my brothers’ rowdy games. But I always knew I was loved by everyone in my family.
Some of my earliest memories are of my big brother, Ronald, taking time to play dolls with me. My younger sisters were still too little to play, so Ronald, a tall, dark, and handsome teenage boy, would help me do my doll’s hair. He also taught me how to change the color of their hair with shoe polish. Though I shared a special relationship with each of my siblings, Ronald was my big teddy bear, protector, and nurturer. We shared a special bond.
Going to North Carolina with BeBe to sing with the PTL singers on the TV show The PTL Club was another special sibling experience. Although close in age, BeBe and I are two very different people. He was impulsive, passionate, and gregarious. I was quieter, reserved, and a verified homebody. But despite our differences, we had each other’s backs. Over the years, we have gone on to produce seven albums together, attaining three Grammy Awards and numerous Dove Awards. I love the special singing relationship BeBe and I share.
From my earliest days, my family provided me with a sense of security and belonging, a feeling I can only describe as home. In my family, I was somebody. I was known and accepted for who I was. As siblings, we teased and poked fun at each other, but we were also each other’s cheerleaders and friends. My siblings’ love and acceptance were a representation to me of God’s unconditional love. With Him, I am always at home.
Psalm 139:13–14 gives this powerful reminder: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I’m grateful that my mom and dad and all my brothers and sisters helped me understand this truth. Each of them played a role in helping me discover the purpose and direction God had for me. Our shared history provided a powerful foundation of faith, which is one of the God-ordained functions of a family.
Research reveals that family relationships, especially between parents and children, play a vital role in the transmission of values, morals, and faith from one generation to the next. In Passing on Faith, Olwyn Mark writes,
The passing on of faith invariably happens in every home. This involves the transmission— both actively and passively of values, attitudes, beliefs, and practices. These can be associated with a particular religious tradition or independent of any one institutional system of belief. No child enters adolescence and adulthood unaffected by the overarching story that they learn in the home.1
That can be sobering to hear, can’t it? Whether we realize it or not, who we are and how we live within the walls of our home deeply affect those who live with us. If my children always see me looking at my phone but they never observe me reading the Bible, they are receiving a story about my priorities. Enduring faith into adulthood is deeply influenced by the quality of relationships within the home.2 Parents centered on Jesus naturally pass on faith to their children through a relationship with their children. Mark continues:
Research reveals that high quality relationships in the home are key to successful faith transmission: Adolescents and young adults who experience or who have experienced close, affirming, and accepting relationships with both parents are more likely to identify with the beliefs and practices of their parents. The security and stability of the parent-child relationship, including the strength of the childhood attachment, informs the stability of future religious beliefs.3
I watched this play out in my family. My parents believed in discipline and training, but they were also nurturing. Dad would discipline you one moment and ask if you wanted some chips the next. Mom would unleash a righteous rebuke in love with a smile, never holding a grudge and always offering comfort. My parents consistently lived out what they were teaching us. When they made mistakes, they asked for forgiveness.
I understand that my experience can sound idealistic or not feasible in this century. But I share it because it worked. Modern parents may need to handle the details differently, but the basic principles are the same. Good family relationships don’t happen by accident; they must be cultivated.
Maybe you didn’t have the experience of growing up in a Christian home or you have not been living out faith in front of your children. Let me encourage you that you can absolutely start right now. Paul encourages us in Philippians 3:13–14, when he says, “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” No matter what your past looks like, you can choose a different path today.
Neither of my parents grew up in a Christ-centered home. Their heritage involved drunkenness, fighting, and fatherlessness. And yet they came together and chose to submit their lives and their home to Christ and to raise their children to fear the Lord. Though our family wasn’t perfect, the Lord blessed the commitment of my parents. I’ve provided some statistics about how faith is best passed down from generation to generation. Maybe a godly, close-knit family is not your reality; but it can be your legacy. God’s power and purposes exceed the bounds of statistics and data. He invites us to come to Him with willing hearts at any time, and He will step in with help and blessing. He is the One who restores, and He wants all people to come to saving faith in Him and experience abundant life. It’s never too late to begin building better relationships where faith can flourish.
As we seek to transfer the beliefs and values we hold dear to the next generation, it’s obvious that healthy relationships are a key ingredient. In cultivating strong bonds with the younger generation, we produce relationships that become fertile soil for planting seeds of faith. Strong, vibrant interpersonal connections are the secret to propagating faith that endures from generation to generation. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of these relationships.
It’s never too late to begin building better relationships where faith can flourish.
Time. All relationships require time. At Generations Live, I encouraged women to slow down and spend time with God to grow their relationships with Him. The same is true with our children and those in our spheres of influence. We must slow down and be intentional to invest time in cultivating those relationships. Just as my relationship with my brother Ronald flourished because he sat and played dolls with me, my relationship with my children and grandchildren will flourish as we spend time together. Sometimes that requires participating in activities that aren’t my preference but I do it because it is something important to my child.
As we carve out time to spend together, we should also be intentional. Four hours sitting in front of the TV together won’t build connection the same way one hour of purposeful conversation will. We need to cultivate our family bonds in ways that allow our children to get to know us, as well as share and feel known.
Warmth. One study of three hundred families over thirty-five years revealed that family warmth was the top relational factor that correlated with transmission of faith. Commenting on these findings, The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family reports, “Families in which parents and children felt close were more likely to be families in which children adopted the faith of their parents.”4
This makes perfect sense because the Lord relates to us with warmth and kindness. He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened” (Matthew 11:28). He shelters us under His wing, He rejoices over us with singing. God goes out of His way to share a close, intimate relationship with us, and we must do the same with the next generation. Our children must feel that we love them and also like them. (There’s a difference!) I believe my parents did a wonderful job of expressing warmth in the home that not only drew us in but also attracted other kids who maybe didn’t have that warmth in their own homes. Young people have a keen sense of whether their presence is desired. Our homes should exude warmth and a sense of acceptance.
Meekness. Jesus said, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5). Meekness is an underrated trait in our culture. One mistake some of us in the older generation make is thinking our way is better and blasting that belief to our children. While we need to train those in the younger generation to respect their elders as Scripture commands, we must always remember we are still learning.
According to 2 Corinthians 3:18, “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” We are all being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory. None of us has arrived. Whether you’re nine or ninety-nine, you’re a work in progress. That’s something I try to emphasize on the Generations show. The Lord can use anyone regardless of age to speak His wisdom and truth, and minister to others. As believers we can all learn from each other because the Spirit is at work in each of us.
Some of the most powerful moments growing up were the times when my mother or father asked me for forgiveness. I looked up to them, so when they humbled themselves to say, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” their words left a big impression. In those moments, they modeled meekness and gave me the opportunity to practice forgiveness and grace.
Fun. Science shows that we are wired for connection and empathy. One of the major ways we connect is through positive experiences and laughter. The Bible speaks of this in Proverbs 17:22: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
In my home growing up, my father was the king of fun. He went home to be with the Lord in 2009, but he is still one of the funniest people I have ever met. In addition to being funny, he was also caring. He kept his kids—and the neighborhood kids—busy with organized sports and games that were extremely competitive. There was always teasing and joking going on in our house.
My dad likely inherited some of his lively sense of humor from his mother, my Grandmother Howze. Jovial and full of wit, that woman could find humor in any situation. And she kept us laughing. One time, in a kind attempt to contribute to the practical needs of our large family, she bought an industrial-sized container of toilet paper. Clearly, she expected it to last for a while. But after only a few weeks, the toilet paper had disappeared.
“Y’all act like you have two butts apiece!” she exclaimed, hands on her hips and mouth agape. We laughed about that experience for years. Only having raised one child, my sweet grandmother had no idea how a family of twelve could go through toilet paper!
One of the things that first attracted me to my husband, Alvin, apart from his dashing good looks and warm smile, was his sense of humor. Not many people know this, but Alvin is very funny. Laughing together has kept our relationship going strong, even during stressful or heartbreaking seasons. When life gets heavy, a joyful heart is the good medicine we need. Because of this, we need to make levity a priority in our lives and homes.
Communication. Close relationships that transmit faith to the next generation require communication. Going back to Deuteronomy 6:7, we must talk to our kids about the ways of the Lord. But these conversations should happen naturally, not through preaching at them. For example, after watching a movie together, you could discuss how the movie reflects some truth about God or illuminates a pitfall we can face in life. At the dinner table, ask your child how she saw the Holy Spirit at work that day. As your kids are climbing into bed, debrief the day and pray over any concerns they may have.
If you don’t have children in the home, you can still have these kinds of faith conversations with those in your circles. Meet for coffee and talk about what God is doing in each of your lives. Send prayers through text messages or write notes of encouragement containing Scripture. Even small communications can make a big impact.
CRAVING CONNECTION
We live in a world where people feel isolated and are craving a sense of connection. Social media occupies nearly 2.5 hours of that time.5 You would think with all of this “connecting,” we wouldn’t be lonely anymore. But studies consistently show just the opposite—loneliness, friendlessness, and isolation are on the rise.
This is where the concept of generations can be so powerful. People of all ages can come together and find connection. We can invite the younger generation into the community God has provided through His people, which is how Christianity is meant to function. Even in its infancy, this community of Christ-followers was described this way:
All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. (Acts 2:44–47)
This passage has so many gems about how the family of God is to interact. But something to note is that these people did life together. They ate together, they sold their own possessions to care for the needy, they had glad hearts (fun!), and they praised God together. And the people around them weren’t looking on with distain at these weird Christians. No, they wanted in on it! The believers enjoyed the favor of all people, and the Lord added daily to their number.
That is the kind of connection and belonging we need to extend to the next generation. It’s something so much richer than what they will find at the bar or in the club or on their phones. Our homes and churches should offer acceptance, encouragement, and fun. Christian relationships should be the best relationships because Christ is at their core. Faith in Jesus breaks down barriers, including those that separate generations. As we praise the Lord together and welcome in new believers, we offer an oasis of joy, fellowship, and peace amid a hectic, divided, lonely world. But cultivating these strong relationships takes time and effort.
MAKING TOUGH CHOICES
When people ask me what I did to have strong relationships with my grown children, I say, “I fought for it.” It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes I had to make difficult choices to protect those relationships. When my children were young, my music career was flourishing. I was regularly invited to give concerts, sing at award ceremonies, and even tour overseas. Something that helped me balance my family relationships with my work was identifying my priorities. My relationship with God was my top priority. Next came my relationship with my husband, Alvin. Next on the list were my children, followed by ministry and career.
I had to establish my priorities early in my career so that I wouldn’t be pulled away by things of lesser importance. When I was invited to tour overseas, I had to put a cap on the time I would spend away from home. I always insisted on catching a red-eye flight home after an award ceremony was over. In my 1999 memoir, On a Positive Note, I wrote, “I know firsthand how easy it is to become so drunk by this carousel called stardom, so dazed by your own ambitions, hungry for the next conquest, that you lose sight of what’s really important. Christians can get so caught up in the business that they can neglect their spiritual needs. When that happens, we become vulnerable.”6
The wonderful thing is, when you make God your priority, He backs you up. He always blesses those tough choices that swing in favor of His will for you. When our young family moved from Detroit to Nashville it was a bit of a shock. In my hometown of Detroit, I always had more than enough babysitters for my children because my family and friends lived there. Moving to Nashville meant losing my godly, trusted help.
I remember praying and asking the Lord to bring me the help I needed to continue to answer the call He had on my life, both in my family obligations and my music career. He was faithful to do exactly that. He blessed us with a great church to attend and get connected. He also brought into my life an incredible young woman named Chandra. She loved God and my children.
When Alvin III and Ashley were in their preteen years, they had a high need for their father and me to pour into their lives. My record label wanted me to go on tour, and I knew I couldn’t leave my kids for an extended period. I sought the Lord in prayer and told Him that if He wanted me to go on tour, He would have to provide a way. And that’s exactly what He did.
Chandra offered to travel with us and homeschool Alvin and Ashley on the road. After some prayer, my husband and I felt a peace about pulling our children out of school and going on the road together. We only did this for a few years, but the experience provided many sweet memories. An added benefit of this adventure was that my children were able to have a front-row seat to see how God was using their mom and dad to bless and serve others.
In that instance, when I was confronted with a career opportunity that conflicted with my priorities, I asked God to provide a solution. If He hadn’t made a way, I was willing to make the tough choice to stay home. (Although if you know me, you know it wouldn’t have been too tough, because I love staying home.) Many times, I think we get caught up in committing to “good” things without reviewing our priorities and allowing them to dictate our choices. One way we can fight for strong relationships is by making sure we consult the Lord on our daily choices and honor the priorities we believe He’s given us.
