Finding Molly Parsons, page 26
One sentence stood out from all others. In the middle of her ramblings, Carmen read: If the one person you should be able to trust in the whole world abandons you, what hope is there for anyone else? Why did you leave me, mom?
Carmen’s eyes stung as tears threatened to fall. Why had she written that? Carmen didn’t think about her mom, ever! She never had a mother, and she’d made peace with that.
“Hermana?” Mateo’s soft voice pulled Carmen’s gaze from the paper. Words wouldn’t come. Mateo sat beside her, stroking her back. His eyes fell on the mess of writing. Pulling the paper from Carmen’s grip, he read. “Oh, honey,” he sighed, pulling Carmen in tighter.
“I’m so broken,” she sobbed.
“You’re not broken, chica, you just need a little help.”
“I shouldn’t be like this, Mateo. Not after all this time. Why can’t I just fucking get over it?”
Leaning back, Mateo cupped Carmen’s face with both his hands. “Carmen, you have spent so long being strong for everyone else. There is no time limit on trauma.”
“I didn’t go through what you did. What the hell have I got to be traumatized about?” Carmen had never voiced her thoughts like this to Mateo.
“You went through plenty. You became an adult when you were still a child. You saw things and did things no kid should have to, and you did it whilst looking after me. You got me the help I needed and I know you went to therapy as well, but I know you, Carmen. I know you didn’t open yourself up fully. You think guarding your emotions and keeping everything to yourself protects you, but it only hurts you more. This paper right here shows me you are ready to work through everything. For real this time. And Carmen, I’m going to be with you every step of the way, understand?”
“Mateo,” Carmen cried, shaking her head.
“No, this isn’t a debate. I’m in a good place because of you. Let me be your pillar of strength now.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Yes, you do. You’re already doing it. Being open with your therapist is the biggest step you could take, and I’m so proud of you.”
“I don’t understand why now. Why am I breaking down now?”
Mateo paused. Carmen could see he was figuring out the best way to say what was on his mind. “Honestly, I think it’s because you found someone you could see a future with.”
“Mateo,” Carmen scoffed.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to believe that. In the end, it doesn’t matter why. All that matters is you working through this shit so you can finally live a full and happy life. It will never be perfect, chica. I still have triggers, you know that, but I’m ninety percent there. I want that for you.”
“I want that too,” Carmen admitted.
“Okay, so what’s the plan?”
“I think I need some time away. A lot has happened over the past few months and maybe a bit of time alone will help me see through it all. I need to clear my head.”
“Alone? Are you sure?”
“I am. I’m going to listen to my doctor and spend quality time with myself. Is that okay?”
“Whatever you need, honey. I’ll be right here when you need me.”
Carmen had always thought she needed to keep Mateo close, to keep him from harm. Control was her friend, but now, after reading her innermost thoughts on that paper, Carmen understood she’d been holding everything too close.
If she were ever going to get to a place of happiness, she had to leave.
Chapter 26
Carmen, Molly & Faith
If Carmen wasn’t so sure this was what she needed to do, she would have canceled her plans to leave after Faith visited her and Carmen explained she would be going away for a while. Wow, that was a tough conversation to have. It certainly left her feeling guilty about taking time for herself. But, after hours of discussion with Mateo and her therapist, Carmen was resolute in her decision.
Acknowledging her difficulties had never come easy, but now, for whatever reason, Carmen found it a little easier to talk about her feelings. Mateo was making a point of checking in regularly. Which was nice, although it would be better if he weren’t such a massive drama queen about everything. Anyone would think she was leaving for good, instead of nipping off on an impromptu break.
The timing wasn’t wonderful. After all, she had just signed a lease for the shared office, however it wouldn’t go to waste. Rita was more than happy to take over for the duration of Carmen’s absence. It would make a good meeting space for small groups, apparently. Carmen was more than happy with that arrangement.
Admittedly, Carmen had consciously chosen to leave in the next day or two, because she really wanted to avoid seeing Molly again, who was due to arrive for her visit in three days’ time.
If Faith’s sad face had almost stopped her from going, Carmen was positive seeing Molly would completely derail her plans. She wasn’t prepared to admit yet that finding Molly Parsons was the catalyst to her recent need for change, but she couldn’t completely deny it either. Molly had reached parts of Carmen—no euphemism intended—that no other woman had. If they’d shared more than a few days and one spectacular night together, Carmen might be inclined to entertain the idea that Molly was a real possibility, a woman she could really give herself to.
But that wasn’t the case. Molly was Faith’s aunt. She had her own baggage and right now Carmen couldn’t allow herself to see a future with anyone, not until she felt better in herself.
Slamming her suitcase shut, Carmen realized she’d packed nearly her entire closet. Did she really need snow pants? No, not when she intended on traveling to Florida for a few weeks. Her itinerary had been decided by blindly pinning a thumbtack to a map of the U.S. Florida came up the winner.
The one benefit of Carmen working hard and never vacationing over the past twenty years was she had a stash of savings to fund her trip. In fact, she’d done something completely out of character and booked herself into a five-star hotel and spa. A fact she had most definitely not let slip to Mateo. He would jam himself into her luggage if privy to that kind of intel.
“Chica, did you know it’s Enid’s seventieth birthday next week?” Mateo called from the hallway.
“No, did she say something? Damn, we could have thrown a party if we had known sooner…”
“Faith told me. Why wouldn’t she have said anything?”
“You’d have to ask her that. Maybe she doesn’t like a fuss being made.”
“No, it’s because she doesn’t have family,” Faith chimed in.
“Can you guys come in here or something? I hate having a discussion with everyone in different parts of the house,” Carmen yelled.
“We’re her family,” Mateo protested, swishing his robe as he sank to Carmen’s bed.
“Did you talk to her about it?” Carmen asked Faith, who strode in seconds later.
“Yeah. She said and I quote, ‘My dipshit husband was supposed to take me away for the big seven-o, but he went and kicked the bucket, the silly old bastard.’”
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Mateo laughed.
“That’s so sad,” Carmen sighed.
“Well, maybe we can do something when you get back,” Mateo commented, scrolling through his phone.
“Mm,” Carmen answered, her mind racing. An idea was percolating. It would change her plans slightly, but it would also bring a foul-mouthed old woman some happiness—she hoped.
“Right, I’m packed. I’m going to pop next door and say goodbye to Enid.”
“Tell her she can come around here for her birthday if she wants,” Mateo called. Carmen didn’t answer. If she had anything to do with it, Enid would spend her seventieth in the lap of luxury.
“Enid, you here?”
“In the kitchen. Do you want a Slippery Nipple?”
“Um… no?”
“That’s a shame. I love a good Slippery Nipple.”
“Are you just going to keep saying the name to make me feel uncomfortable?”
Enid cackled. “Obviously. Anyway, what brings you over here? Are you ready to set off?”
“I’m packed, but I don’t plan to leave until the day after tomorrow.” A full twenty-four hours before Molly was due to arrive.
“Lovely. You’re going to have a great time, love.”
“About that,” Carmen started, deciding after all, a cocktail with an uncomfortable name was just what she needed. “If ‘your dipshit husband’ was still around, where would he have taken you for your birthday?”
“Oh, well, um, I suppose somewhere like Florida. He was too tight to take me to Hawaii.”
“And would that be something you’d still want to do?”
“It would be tough, love, he’s been dead for a while.”
Carmen rolled her eyes. “Enid, would you like to come to Florida with me?”
“When, what?”
“Don’t tell Mateo, but I’m going to be staying in a particularly fancy hotel in Florida, and I want you to come with me.”
“But I thought you needed space?”
“I do, but I know you won’t need me hovering around while you get pampered.”
“Hell no, I don’t need you clam jamming me.”
“Christ,” Carmen groaned. “I’m just gonna brush past that. Do you want to come? You shouldn’t miss out on your birthday trip. I know how much you love the tropics,” Carmen winked.
“Are you sure, Carmen? I know I make jokes and get a little silly, but in all seriousness, I wouldn’t want to intrude on something that you need to do to make yourself whole again, honey.”
“I promise, Enid. I’ll take time for myself, but, actually, I think having you close by would be a comfort.”
“Well, spank my ass and call me Judy. I’m going to Florida!” Enid hollered, shaking her ass.
“Get packing, lady!” Carmen laughed.
Carmen filled in Mateo and Faith about Enid tagging along. After Mateo stopped pouting, he could see it was the right thing to do. Now, here Carmen stood, two days later with her suitcase by her feet, getting ready to leave the house to catch a flight to Florida. And there was Enid, taking things out of her suitcase to show Mateo and Faith her new bikinis.
“Enid, we have to go. Get that shit packed!” Carmen barked.
“Yes, boss,” Enid replied, saluting.
The sky was its usual gray self as the cab pulled away from the house. Goodbyes had been swift, which Carmen appreciated. She desperately wanted to look back as they drove away, a silent plea echoing within her. Yet, surrendering to that desire risked signaling the cab driver to halt, an urge Carmen knew she couldn’t resist.
Home wasn’t the best place for her though, not right now. So, keeping her head facing forward, she muttered to herself some affirming words. “This is the right thing to do!” Enid’s wrinkled hand patted hers in support. Yes, it was the right thing to do, wasn’t it?
◆◆◆
Arriving a day early in Seattle had not been a straightforward decision to make, but with Maureen accompanying her, Molly didn’t want to wait any longer. If there was a chance for Faith and Maureen to heal, Molly wanted it to happen sooner rather than later.
Hopefully, Faith wouldn’t be too mad Molly had kept Maureen’s appearance a secret. Truthfully, Molly hadn’t known what to do for the best. She certainly didn’t want Faith seeing her mother all beaten and bruised. But injuries like Maureen suffered could take months to heal and Molly couldn’t put off her visit to Seattle without explaining the reason to Faith. Plus, Maureen begged her not to tell Faith, worried her daughter would reject them outright. It didn’t sit well that Molly had gone along with it. The discomfort Molly felt lying was also a major factor in bringing forward their plans.
The time she’d had with Maureen lately gave Molly confidence the woman was sincere in her pledge to make things right with Faith. Although Molly genuinely didn’t know how Faith would react. When her parents had shown up in California, it was Faith who told them she would always keep the door open. Hopefully, that still rang true.
Another reason, and maybe the most scary, was the realization that Molly wanted to see Carmen. Weeks had gone by and Carmen seldom left Molly’s mind. Bessie was relentless in her mission to talk about Carmen. As soon as the kids clicked on to Molly’s internal dilemma regarding the very sexy Carmen Ruiz, they joined in Bessie’s crusade. The result was a night of deep conversations, hard realizations and vodka.
Molly was into Carmen in a big way. Their night together had been hot as hell, but also deeply meaningful. Since leaving Kentucky, Molly had searched for the woman who would make her feel safe. Make her feel at home. And even though Carmen Ruiz was still a mystery, she’d made Molly feel both things.
There was a lot to work through. Molly wasn’t naïve, but that didn’t mean she and Carmen couldn’t explore their options, right? Especially since Molly decided to stay in Seattle semi-permanently. There was too much time to make up with Faith. All Molly had ever wanted was a family again, and she’d been given that opportunity.
Bessie had been the one to push Molly into making the right call. It wasn’t easy breaking a bad habit, but Molly’s tendency to run was that. A bad habit. One she had to stop repeating. Staying in one place, putting down roots with Faith—and hopefully with Carmen—felt like the right thing.
Molly had done her best to make sure Bessie and the kids had people around to help. They knew they could call her anytime, and she planned to visit regularly. Maybe Carmen would go with her? If—that is—Carmen was willing to give them a chance.
As the cab pulled up to the familiar Seattle address, Molly chuckled at the driver, who was cursing another cab ahead of them, which seemed to have pulled out in front, causing him to suddenly brake.
Thanking the driver, Maureen and Molly made their way to the house. This was it, this was the day Molly actively changed her life from nomadic to settled in suburbia.
Giving Maureen’s hand a quick squeeze, Molly knocked several times on the door. Laughter echoed from inside, and Molly was happy to hear Faith’s soft voice teasing Mateo.
“Did you forget some—”
“Hey, Faith,” Molly grinned at Faith’s shocked face.
“Molly!” she screamed. Molly braced herself for the full weight of her niece crashing into her.
“Hey, honey,” Molly laughed.
“Mom?” Faith pulled back, looking between Molly and Maureen.
“We have some things to talk about,” Molly said, holding Maureen and Faith’s hands. Faith simply nodded and ushered them inside.
“Molly, hey chica, it’s great to see you!” Mateo gushed, dragging her in for another bone-crushing hug.
“Mateo, you look great!”
“I know, honey,” he laughed. “So, what’s all this?” he asked, waving his hand at Maureen. Molly couldn’t fault him for being a little cold towards Faith’s mother.
“This is something Faith and Maureen need to discuss,” Molly said plainly.
Mateo turned Faith’s body so she was facing him completely. “Faith, is that what you want?”
“Yeah, I’m alright. Mom, you wanna come through to the kitchen and we’ll talk?”
“I’d love that,” Maureen replied, her voice cracking.
Molly and Mateo watched them walk away. Now that part of the day was done, Molly was ready to take on the next. “Um, will Carmen be home soon? I have something to talk to her about.”
Mateo shuffled his feet nervously, his hand scratching the back of his head. “Carmen isn’t here, Molly.”
“Oh, yeah, I figured that. What time will she be back?”
“Molly, she’s gone.”
Gone? What the hell did that mean? “Sorry, I don’t follow.”
“Carmen left, chica.”
◆◆◆
“I think we’re getting good at this,” Nathalie chuckled, gently stroking Faith’s hair.
“Practice does make perfect,” Faith grinned, turning her head to kiss Nathalie’s jaw.
“I could stay like this all day.” Nathalie pulled Faith closer. Faith could absolutely stay like this all day, but they’d already started earning raised eyebrows from Mateo and Molly. So, maybe they were skipping all forms of socializing with the people they loved most to dash to the bedroom as often as possible. Was that so wrong?
Faith was just happy Carmen wasn’t here to witness it. Ever since Carmen heard them going at it, she scowled at Nathalie every chance she got. Faith found it highly entertaining, because Nathalie would go bright red and scuttle off to Faith’s room. Carmen would then smile triumphantly at her work, winking at Faith. No matter how many times Faith explained to Nathalie that Carmen was yanking her chain, Nathalie still tried to avoid Carmen as much as possible.
“How are you feeling about your mom being here?”
Well, wasn’t that the million-dollar question? It had certainly been a shock to see her mom standing next to Molly on the doorstep. Sadly, it had been less of a shock to see the state of her mother’s face.
The talk, which began after their arrival, had been hard. Maureen begged and pleaded for Faith’s forgiveness. Of course, Faith wanted to forgive her mother, but something deep inside didn’t feel right to just let everything go. Maybe her mom’s link to her father was still too fresh. Faith didn’t quite know. Molly seemed to be convinced Maureen meant no harm, and Faith wanted to believe that.
Faith asked her mom for some time to think. She was happy to keep talking and working through things, but it had to be at her own pace. Maureen agreed.
Molly had always meant to be staying with Faith at the house. Maureen knew this and happily booked a hotel for a few nights. Depending on how things went, Maureen would travel back to California in a week’s time. Molly planned to stay longer.
After Maureen left, Faith spent some time with Molly, hearing her side of recent events. Honestly, Faith had been a little annoyed at being ambushed and would have preferred Molly to warn her about her mom visiting, but she couldn’t stay mad. Not when she saw the toll it had taken on her aunt.
Plus, Molly looked… dejected. It took Faith a little while to realize Molly’s mood was down to Carmen’s absence. Instead of asking Molly about it, Faith let her be. Nathalie came over in the evening and Faith was happy to see Molly take to her girlfriend. Still, Faith could see that Molly wasn’t herself.
