Mary Ann Sate, Imbecile, page 9
I am stronger than she
So I say
I think all men have the right to bread
I hear Ambrose gasp He thinks the knife to move
Yet I know twill not
She say
No No You do not bring that talk in this house
I slit yr throat I slit it
What Devil in it I do not know
Still I say it Again and again
She will not have the best of me
I think all men have the right to bread
Knowledge still in me like a burning light
You can never put it out
She will not kill me with that knife
No one will evr kill me with knife
Or chain or gun or rope or poison No
She still has the knife at my throat
But her hand unclasp and I turn my head
See her spitting inward bending white fox teeth
Her skin red and blotchd
Where the hair held tight back enough
To stretch the chin at ear and forehead
No one will evr kill me this way
Tis as though she sees it and knows it too
The breath goes from her She shakes her head
Tears are fountain all down her face
Her twig bones shaking
Sobs her shoulders hard wrack
Lay down the knife
Instead drag me out in the yard
Where two of the men the other cottage stand
Shaking their heads Nay nay
The evening now is all about red and gold
Down through the vegetables we go
Will she push me in the pig pen
Or throw me in the well
For a moment I look up at the high clouds
Oh that I might reach up and lift myself
Away up high where I might look down
See all below hills farms sheep cottage stream
All come one green and peaceful
Push me in the stable there shut up both doors
Is fixd with heavy bolts
Silence fall liquid dark and quiet
I wait I am not afeard
Later much later Ambrose come
He speak to me through the stable door say
I must go back Mary Ann I must go back
Mr Woebegone will come He will let you out
Even as he said the words I wonder
I tell it to you now
I am in that stable three days three nights
No food no light
Only a sip of water
From a bucket left in the corner
Crustd green
First I think she do not mean to kill me
She will let me out
As the time go by I wonder
I listen all the time for Mr Woebegones voice
But I never hear it All is hush
I listen men in the yard splashing of the pump
The cows in the sheds shift and sigh
The pigs root and snuffle
Once I hear the voices of the cottage men
Tis enough Tis enough
Nay she deserve all she get
Why they keep her here
Then the voices scatter and hush
I know no more
They will not stand gainst her
Never have
All the time I plan how I am to get out
Many many times I try
Tis easy to get half way
Can stand on a ridge there
But there is no way further
The roof is well built tiles and wood
Tight upon each other
Many stars of light
No way to move even one
I think of digging out and make a fine deep hole
Push aside all the straw
Dig til my fingers skinless
She made sure my hands were good
But this building is old
The wall sunk deep
The earth is dry and hard
I cannot get underneath he
So I lie in the straw witherd and weak
She means me now to die
Drink again from the brakish drip of water
Greening in the pail
I pray again and again to the Lord God
Do not forsake me now in this my hour of need
Have mercy on Thy humble servant
That I pray
All the time waiting for the Angels to come
But they do not
Lying there I think even if I get out
What then am I to do
I cannot stay no longer at The Heavens
Might I go to Bowbridge Mill or Griffin
Or even further on to Chalford
St Marys or Iles which I have seed with Ambrose
Find out what is there
Ambrose would help me this I know
Now that I am ten year old I can decide myself
So people say the work break you the pay poor
Oh for the days when you work in yr own home
With yr own family
But family matter not to me
When I think of winter a coming
I prefer mill to turnip
Yet I might never see the winter
So I think
Next day find a long flint amidst the straw
This my best hope
I begin to work on the bolts
I am fantomy now my stomach gnawing
Still my fingers edge and scrape
I am pushing gainst the metal
That I might move the bolts
I must throw all my weight gainst it
Sometimes it move a whiskers breadth
Mostly not at all
Scrap scrap scrap back and forwards
I shift it but a little once twice
But I am fammeld and gasping adry
Must lie down in the straw a while
Then back again scrap scrap
Move a whisper Nothing more
All that time as I remember
I did know the heat in that stable
Burnt more than any general zummer day
I did think the silence strange
Still I had no sense of what comes
Oh what blessing finally a time
When the flint work stronger slides back faster
It opens sudden The bolt come back
Who knows not that
The hand of the Lord hath wrought this
I am free Step out into the sun light
My eyes blind My hands stretch out
As I tumble to the pump grab at the handle
Push my whole head under it
I notice then how the day hang strangely
Hot and still The sun come straight down
On the Valleys No shade
Not under tree or roof
Not a breath of breeze
Even the water from the pump
Warm to the touch Dust blow thick
Herbs hung in bunches at the door
Their sharp smell swollen the air
Then I hear it
A sound from the kitchen
Choking twisting
Something is brokd all pulling out of joint
So there is always danger
Yet the danger you fear
That is never the one that strike
Watch therefore for you know neither
The day nor the hour
That noise I hear is Mrs Woebegone
She lie on the kitchen floor
Her night dress pull up around her knees
Hands grip stomach head strain
All round is the foulest stench and vomit
Spread cross the kitchen
When Mrs Woebegone see me she struggle upright
Eyes staring wide and say
Tis you Mary Ann as brought the Devil
In this house
I say from the beginning the Devil in you
I try to drive it out
You know right well as I did try
But he is too strong for me
Now you bring plague and poison
For all she say these words I go to help her
Just then Mr Woebegone steps in
Smell that tugging stinging smell
Watch her hunchd green stomach grip
I run to get a bucket a cloth wash out the floor
He take Mrs Woebegone lift her up the stairs
Soon he come stumbling back down eyes roll
God save us all God save us
It come here now So it would
Mary Ann he say I need you quick
Yes Sir I say
I need you to take a letter
Also to go to the dispensary
You know where he is
You go now to the George Inn
Find a person as may take that letter
Get to the dispensary Do not delay
If you see Sybilla tell her come home now
Though what safety now we have
I do not know
First I take a dabbit of bread in the pantry
For I am still craiky weak
Then goes straightway
Following all the greenly ways down
As I near Stroud I come level with Jack
Who I did know in the turnip field
Oh he says You like I
Do flee this place while you may
But I did not understand his meaning
Til he said So Woebegones took sick also
Then tells he this sickness all ovr the Valley
Yet what care I he say
The wages no good here
I not wait til I took sick as well
I to Gloucester see what work there may be there
I wish him luck hurry on though boffld
Sick at heart what might come to pass
When I get to the town of Stroud
All is worse than I feard
For many are weeping in the streets
A man is carrid down dead
Wrappd in a closet sheet
A child lies side of the road
Bubbling mouth flat eyes seeing nothing
I go to the dispensary but many is already
Lind up gainst the wall there
What salvation is there here
Who will walk out to The Heavens offer succour
When so many sick in the town
Still I go to the George with the letter
A man there takes the letter I do give
Though who know whether any will go
Find many shops with the shutters down
Packing bundles and carts to get away
O Lord have mercy on our souls thinks I
As I go on through asking each person I see
Where is a doctor though I know is no purpose
None is to be found
Then an old man black teeth waving hat say
No no girl Tis no good
You are young and strong yet
Get you out of the town to the clearer air
While you may
Tis true I were sorely worrit
How might I help those at The Heavens
If I took sick myself
So I set off back
When I come the situation is yet worse
Who could think such could happen
With the sun so merry and laughing
In the skye and fields high with corn
The bounty of God all round us
At The Heavens little Fern is took sick
I cry out when I see it
I cannot abide to see her so
Sweat bead her brow jewel eyes dull
Sybilla stand in the kitchen crying
Mr Woebegone say to her Sybilla
Pack food and water now
Take some linen be quick
I have writ yr aunt at Frampton
Now we cannot wait
You must walk there
If you not go now twill be too late
I am hoping that Mr Woebegone will say
You also Mary Ann You must go with Sybilla
But no no He does not say it
I must be one to stay
So it always is
I help Sybilla to pack
I cannot leave Fern she say
I cannot leave
I promise I will take care of Fern
Though Sybilla never care me any
It were a sad and sticking bitter
Leave taking we made
She knew her life break to bits
God save Fern she say
I say Yes yes so it shall be
Yet having seed what happen in the town
I do not know
After Mr Woebegone send me upstairs
To tend Mrs Woebegone knottd now in the bed
I never been in that room afore
See Mrs Woebegone shivering and rattling
Again when she see me she accuse me of all
So so I think You may say all that
But then I not come to help you
So I turn from the room back down the stairs
See little Fern motionless on the hearth
I go to her and she turn
She is meeking and dry all ovr
Her tongue pushing out her mouth
The sheet she lie on soild
I find water and pour some down her throat
Take the sullid linen outside
Bring some fresh spread it flat
As I lay it under her she hold out her hand
Grip mine tight then lie back
Drift gently into sleep as I hold
After that I do not know
Hardly I remark that day follow night
None comes to the house
All is hushd and tight lippd
The air v sultry and sticking
Enough to maggle you to the grave
No wind at all
All again come without form and void
Mr Woebegone is soon takd
When he know it comes
He sits by the hearth calm and even
Say to me So so Mary Ann we are all undone
I can say naught
He is a man I have lovd
Brokd long afore I come
Yet beautiful in his ruin
I think of him stand on the side of the Valley
Speaking words that make the heart leap
I wipe at my eyes
Nay nay he say Come now Mary Ann
Take courage You are a strong girl
A good worker You may yet have life
As for the rest
The Lord take our mortal souls as He must
We go forth happy to meet Him
I am creasd with crying
Yet he lays a hand soft on my shoulder
Say I hope when they write down my testimony
They will remember my soul always live free
Though my body chafd always and sorely cagd
We all meet soon in a better place
So he say and pull from his neck
That kerchief he does oft wear
To wipe up my tears
All I can do is carry water wash clean change
Soon there are no more linen
The house reek so I try not to breathe deep
I sleep on the kitchen floor
Hold Fern in my arms
None now to feed the animals except me
So I must carry hay and water
Push them ovr the bellowing doors
In the house I make beef broth
In the hope it might revive them
But they want only water
All the time I am listening to my own heart beat
Ready for the moment this plague strike me
Which it surely must
Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death
I will fear no evil
One evening I go out into the kitchen garden
Stand look out ovr the Valley
So much corn a coming tall and proud
But like to wither in the fields afore it ripen
There is no one now well enough to bring it in
What will the winter be
In the distance I see
As I seed so oft afore
A cart small as an insect
Move along the brow of the hill opposite
He has still life I think
He goes on his way
Maybe there is a breeze in that place
Maybe life
I think of Mr Woebegone
All here is done
We meet soon in a better place
But I cannot bather long there go back inside
Taking with me beans from the garden
To eat for supper
Fern lie silent wastd
All the rich vigour of life gone
I stay up with her all that night
Sit in the big chair by the hearth
Hold her in my arms
Beside me is a pail of water
I bathe her burning body
Put water on her dry lips
Try to tempt her to drink
But she is too far away now
All that night
Though since tis near Midzummer
Is only a few dipping dark hours
But in that time she is gone
Still I hold her tight waiting
For what I do not know
Yet soon the dawn come
With it the Angels
I hear them from a far off
