Mary Ann Sate, Imbecile, page 18
That he should speak such way
For I know right well my face is deformd
Yet prefer not to think much of it myself
Or others to say it
Tis a burden the Lord placd upon me
That I must carry brave
As He carry the cross at Calgary
So I say nothing yet he keep on
I do not think it good for you
Tis true you are ill favourd generally
Not properly growd
Yet the face is what people see
Course he says and coughs a little
Are those ignorant
Think such a mark the work of the Devil
I speak up hotly then angry at those words
Say loud I never had no talk with the Devil
No a ways shall
Mr Harland Cottrell then bang hands together
Gainst the cold
Wipe a kerchief ovr his running nose
It were still early then
Behind him the sun stain in the skye
Flame red but muffld in frost
Say he I know that right well
You are a good girl of cheerful heart
Honest and hard working
He wave the kerchief afore put it away
What I say is others may not know this
Which may cause you some difficulty
You must think of the future
Not all as educatd as me
All this v well but I not understand
The direction of this talk
Yet then he say
I have study much recently
Seed several demonstrations and sure
Could close up the hole for you
I feel like he slap my face
For I no a ways heard such a thing
Think also of the hollering from his study
Things live in bottles the high wooden bed
I do not want to end like that
Also say Mr Harland Cottrell
I have certain ways which mean
You will feel no pain
Afterwards would be some discomfort
Say Mr Harland Cottrell
But I give you a draught to take away most
It would not take long
Come courage Mary Ann
I think this best for you
We have time this afternoon
Can do it then
What say you
You have no need to worry
For Nettie will offer you much comfort
Does he not see that Nettie
Has as much comfort in her
As a thorn bush in a frost
She thinks I get what I deserve
For my arrogance
With that he is gone back inside
Driven there by a chill gust
Filld out by flecks of snow
Little for me to say in truth
He employ me this what he decide
But I am gut with dread
After he has gone
I go back the kitchen tell Nettie
My legs will hardly hold me
She get water and say No No
He go too far but she like me
What choice we have
We cannot say him nay
They will mesmerize you say Nettie
Tis known he has that dark art
Netties first moment of kindness pass
Soon she sitting by the range
Wheezing as she jests again
Rocking back and forwards snoffling
About how many he has killd today
Mary Ann she say
I think you do better with they
Butchers carpenters barbers poisoners
In Stroudwater
Do you not know have you not seed
His hands are terrible shaking
Like leaves in a storm
So she says rubbing at her wobbling nose
Laughing herself almost to tears
This I do know I have seed it myself
Heard others say it
I cannot work I cannot think
I am so afeard
Master Ned is meant to be in the school room
Yet as always he has finishd all his work
In but a few short minutes
Whereas Master Blyth is still there
Head bent down labouring slow and steady
Soon Mr Harland Cottrell will come shout
At Master Blyth How you is so tardy
How can it be that one so slow
Yet make so many simple mistakes
Threaten even to beat him sometime
So twas in that house
You do not kill a mouse
But Mr Harland Cottrell he could be iron hard
With his shadowd and baffing oldest son
So anyways Master Ned being finishd
Hear news of what is to be done
Come in the kitchen smiling and light
Twill be nothing he say
Come Mary Ann
My father and my brother have much experience
In this You will do v well
Yr brother Oh yes Yr brother I think
What do you really know about he
Then Master Ned takes a knife feels the blade
Whirls it around his head several time
Oh yes he say This one be sharp enough
Think I then of the showman in the black cloak
As I did see that distant night
He who controls all
Did bring the Devil out
When he see I do not accept what he say
He cease to jest lay his hand upon my arm
You know they would not harm you
They would not do this if they did not care
I am not calmd a jot by his sudden kindness
Ask Nettie if perhaps I should run
She say No no You not do it
Where can you go
But I do not know if she takes care
Of my interest or only her own
I wring my hands shake my head
Try to hold tight my tears
I not take off my clothes I say to Nettie
Oh no Nettie agree
He will not ask that
Tis not proper
Anyway all person of sense know
Never cast no clout
Til May is out
I think of all I have heard said
The Kettle Boil Cutter and that
Most of it in prank
But always that type of jape is serious
Some not live long after they see he
But maybe they were always fixd to die
Their time already come I do not know
The afternoon come The minutes pass
I stay with Nettie in the kitchen
Stand croochd gainst the wall
My mouth gone cherky
Shivering bones knocking together
Partly the cold but also fear
The light at the winders gone white
As it does when the air is laden heavy
With snow soon to fall
Think maybe if I keep mouse quiet
He will perhaps forget me
Yet soon he comes with Master Blyth
His sleeves rolld up rubbing those
Long white hands together
They boots rattle cross the stone floor
Nettie also backs out the way
So then you come with us now Mary Ann he say
I stayd fixd gainst the wall
Cannot move even if I want
Now now say Mr Harland Cottrell
This is all agreed
Then he steps forward ready to take me
Come come This the time
We do not help her by dallying here
Master Blyth then catches hold of me
But Master Ned come past his father
Step toward me quiet and firm stretch out hand
His eyes are deep and steady
So when he hold out his hand I take it
There he says and this time his voice not falter
Now we shall do v well
He keeps hold my hand
We walk together like bride and groom
Through the chill afternoon yard
Where I look up at the whitening hills
Rising all around under the ice laden skye
As though I see for the last time
Into that Cabinet room we do step
Mr Harland Cottrell following behind
Once again I am seizd with the desire to run
But Master Ned stay firm
Come sit you here say Master Blyth
Twill not taste good I do admit
Yet this draught spirit away the pain
So I do find my courage and drink it down
Though so bitter it glutchs in my throat
Now I will be damnd for all eternity
For though herbs are in the tankard
Also cider or maybe beer
I know the swimly smell
From those nights at The Heavens
Briefly then that scent
Makes me think of Ambrose
Where is he now
When will I see him again
I should like to see him afore
I am calld home
For a moment I look up and see
That moon touchd piglet floating
The adder all curld up in his jar
The glass thick and distorting like a lens
So that all is spread and twistd
Mouths with stretchd lips grimacing horrible
Then I am told I must unrag me
Take off bodice and blouse
I had thought would not be need
Yet I am numb and surrenderd now
Seed the scissors on the table
The needle cotton strips of bandage
Metal instruments all packd neat in a case
Should be usd only for carpentry
I think then of the frogs in the bucket
Cut into bits all throwd in together
They picks me up and lays me on the wooden bed
I pray and pray to the Almighty Save me
Then Master Blyth does stand ovr me
Saying You have only now to watch my hand
Watch it close
Then he does move his hand back and forwards
Moving cross my eyes and forehead
Watch he says Watch now close
His voice does wrap round me
My eyes follow his hand back and forwards
Watch watch Only watch close
My head dip and swoop turn in many circles
I feel a hand on my face
Then cold metal pulling and pulling
Pain ramping up through my face into my head
I cry out but then my head turn to liquid
I go back to The Heavens and my days there
Weep terrible for I see Baby Fern again
Her steps tottering in the garden
All among the willowing grass and buttercups
Her tiny hands trail
She closy by I step forward to be beside her
We are on the edge of the world far up high
Like the Devil take Jesus to the top of the ledge
Say all this will be yrs if you follow me
Then Fern and I fall ovr the edge both lost
Falling down and down
I screaming and my mouth on fire
Flames flizzie all inside my head
Catch hold my hair
All alight like a fire cracker
Then nothing at all
Much later I wake in my own bed
My mouth smouldering hot my throat parchd
I lie there weeping
For though tis bad to have a
Hole in yr face tis much worse
To have what I now have
I do not need look in the mirror see
Dare not place my hand there
So I lie crying for the memory come to me
How tis oft said Mr Harland Cottrell
Enjoy a rare ailment and so I think he only evr
Brought me here as a trial
To see what might be done
Yet when Master Ned come in later
He never usually come up the steep stairs
To our attic but he come now and say
Now now Mary Ann You not be a silly goose
You know you must wait It take time to fix
Then you will see
Place beside my bed a little milk jug
Filld up with red berry holly
Oh what joy it were to see it there
Also bring me a warm blanket I need
For the snow has come now muffld all about
Drifts near three feet deep
Tween the hedges of the lane
All snewd up so none may pass
Truly I must say
I were a fool
Can only say I were young and ignorant
Had no knowledge of the world no one to tell
For soon it heal well
Then only to pull out the stitches
Not much pain at all Just a few sharp tug
Then Mr Harland Cottrell find a chair
Stand me on it so I may look in the mirror
This were after the snow had gone
A day when a struggling sun
Touch yeller some parts
Of the quaggy fields
Master Blyth beside his father too
We was in the hall
Tis true still be a red mark pointing upwards
On my top lip but mouth all close up proper
My tongue tuckd away as should be
I like a different person to myself
Nettie say You are still v ugly
Yet I not listen to her for now
I am only ugly in the normal way
She no better never was
Now I am like everyone else in life
The same chance make myself a better situation
Mr Harland Cottrell change me
Make my face more pleasing
To others and to me
Pleasd he was about it talkd long
Of the racing success as had been made
During that time I wait for my mouth to heal
It were oft hard to sleep
The spring was slow to greet us that year
Easter came went still we waitd
Rain on Good Friday and Easter Day
Brings plenty of grass little good hay
The night skye Bible black
The frost bring all to stillness
Every sound echo sharp like metal on metal
Carry many miles back forth cross the Valleys
I lie awake long
Oft I hear them down below in the house
The voices talk argue then quiet
I not hear the scratch of pen
Yet imagine I do
Then talk again
Oft Mr Harland Cottrells voice
Grand ponderous reading from the Bible
Stare up at the tiles above
Though there be plenty loose not a star shew
Thought the snow had passd
Then it come again
When it melt water come in
Many parts of the house damp with it
Yet this attic always adry
May God be blessd for that
Twist turn toss Nettie beside me snoring deep
I try to keep away from her
For she is always itching terrible
Not just her face now but all her body
She no a ways had a fragrant smell
But it grow worse and worse
Though the smell so familiar now
A certain comfort in it
Finally I get up wrap myself in a blanket
My face is nagging at me
The skin pull tight
The scab ready to fall
Though Mr Harland Cottrell
Say You must not touch
Not at all
Yet they are scratching bad
I go the top of the attic steps
Creak my way down step on step
Feeling the wall
Hearing still the distant thump
Of the fulling stocks
That does go on now all night
Despite the complaints Mr Harland Cottrell
Has made most vigorous
Only on Sundays he say now we hear
The birds singing
Surely every man has right to that
Anyways I should have light a candle
I come down to the kitchen
See the shadow of the girt oak press
Lurch near the winder Glass dark
Light spill at the door
A coming through from the school room
Where many lamps are lit
I move close the door
Now I can hear the scatching of pens
The tight breathing The shuffle of boots
Cough cough Tick tick
I stand where I can see through
But not be seed
Bowd heads all round the table
The books laid out
The light shine on forehead
Edge of hand cheek mouth pursd tight
The hands move slow and regular
Like the movement of many clocks
