Say Something, page 10
Jessie shook her head. “Can you imagine?”
Yes, Toni could imagine her as a teacher. Jessie still exuded the warmth and compassion she had many years ago. Those were the qualities that Toni knew were greatly needed in the school system. If someone like Jessie had been her teacher at school maybe all the stuff that went on behind closed doors at home would have been brought to light. She still shuddered at the thought of it all. It was only after her mum had died that she finally forgave her for allowing such a brute to ruin their lives. After all, her mum was a victim the same as she was.
Jessie untangled her legs from underneath herself and stood up. “I am absolutely famished. Are you hungry?”
Toni looked up at her. “Come to think of it yes. I haven’t eaten since this morning.”
“Follow me,” Jessie said extending her hand and pulling Toni up from her seat.
“Do you still like puff pastry?” Jessie asked as she made her way into the kitchen with Toni close behind.
“Love it, even though I haven’t had it in ages.”
Jessie nodded towards the fridge. “You get the cheese and veg from fridge and prepare them and I’ll defrost the pastry.”
Toni laughed as she opened the fridge door. “So you get the easy job then?”
Jessie joined in with her laughter. “I’ll have you know defrosting takes a certain kind of talent.”
“Well coming from a woman that’s never defrosted puff pastry before, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.”
Both women busily got on with their chores in a comfortable silence. The companionship between friends was what Toni missed the most in her life. Although she had Michelle, Toni worked too many hours in a day to make any quality time for friends.
She put a handful of mushrooms under the tap at the same time Jessie reached over to wash her hands. Their fingers brushed together. They both remained motionless; neither of them pulling their hand away. Their eyes met and Toni saw a longing in Jessie’s that she was sure was mirrored in her own. Toni released the mushrooms into the sink and enclosed Jessie’s hands in her own. Toni leaned forward a little, just in time to hear Jessie’s intake of breath. Their faces were only inches apart and Toni could smell the citrus scent of shampoo emanating from Jessie’s hair. Toni’s eyes flickered down towards Jessie’s lips before she gently pressed her lips against them. It felt like she had finally come home when Jessie responded as she parted her lips, welcoming Toni’s hungry tongue into her warm mouth. Memories came flooding back from their first kiss to their first touch as their mouths melded together. She felt her body tighten as Jessie’s hands swept across her back, her arms drawing Toni closer as she slid her leg in between Jessie’s, pressing hard against her, as the throbbing between her legs mounted.
“Please touch me,” Toni whispered, her voice unsteady with emotion, as her lips made their way along Jessie’s jaw line to her ear as Jessie pressed her hand down into Toni’s jeans, stopping when she felt her wetness.
“Oh Jessie,” she groaned in pleasure.
Toni suddenly felt a head rush as Jessie pulled her hand away without warning. As if someone had just shaken her out of a trance, she looked at Jessie with unfocused eyes. “What’s the matter?”
“This is too soon.”
“What do you mean too soon?” Toni was still breathless as she tried to make sense of what Jessie was saying.
Jessie clasped her hands to her cheeks. “This ... us. It’s too soon, I can’t think straight, I mean where is all this leading?”
Toni tilted her head to the side. “I thought that was quite obvious.”
“No, no it’s not.”
“Jessie, I know you still feel the same way about me.”
Jessie frowned and took a step back. “And what if I do? It’s really not that simple Toni. You’ve always had this ability to switch off your emotions, but I’m sorry, I’m not like that.”
Toni raised her eyebrows. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
Jessie grabbed the pastry packet from the worktop and roughly tore it open. “No, you wouldn’t, and that’s the problem. You’ve been back in my life for five minutes and you’ve already turned it upside down.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
Jessie snapped her head towards her. “No it’s not. I still feel really angry with you, Toni. One quick fuck isn’t going to change that.”
Toni’s body trembled as she tried to rein in the situation. She didn’t want things to get out of control. “I understand you need time, Jessie, and I said I’m fine with that.”
Jessie quickly interrupted her. “For us to be friends, yes. But this is another situation altogether.”
Toni took a deep breath and reluctantly took a step back. “Okay I get the message.”
“This is exactly what I mean. Look at the way you change when you don’t get what you want,” she said bluntly.
Toni began to adjust her clothes. “Jessie, you want me to back off, which is what I’m doing. I can’t win with you can I?”
Jessie leaned back against the worktop and combed both hands through her hair. “I just want you to understand how much you’ve hurt me.”
Angry tears filled Toni’s eyes. “I do! I get it! I was a bitch. I fucked you over,” she cried fiercely. “I understand why you would hate me. But what do you want me to do? I can’t turn the clock back. I can’t change anything. Don’t you think I would if I could? This isn’t fair. I’m in an impossible situation – I can’t win either way.”
Jessie looked at her with regret in her eyes. “I know and I’m sorry, but I can’t help the way I feel.”
Toni managed to compose herself then let out a deep sigh. “Do you want me to leave?”
Jessie walked to the sink and bent over it, her fingers playing with the mushrooms. “No of course I don’t. I want you to stay. I would love nothing more than to go up to my bedroom with you and never leave. But I don’t trust you. I can’t allow you to hurt me again,” she told her quietly.
Toni grabbed Jessie’s arm and turned her around so they faced each other. She pushed back Jessie’s dangling hair behind her ear then stroked her cheek. “But I won’t Jessie, I promise,” Toni whispered.
Jessie slowly shook her head as she looked directly into Toni’s eyes. “A promise is a comfort to a fool. We both know that.”
The look in Jessie’s eyes warned her not to take it any further. Toni turned and headed towards the door. “I think it’s best that I leave.”
“Are you going to take the letter with you?” Jessie asked as she quickly caught up with Toni in the hallway. “Don’t let this get in the way of what’s happening at work. This is exactly why I didn’t want to handle your case.”
Toni gave her a brief smile. “Don’t worry, it won’t. I’ll hand it in when I go back to work tomorrow.”
“You will?”
“I will,” she muttered doubtfully.
Jessie disappeared into the living room and came back out again with the letter in hand. “Are you sure you won’t stay for something to eat?”
“Another time maybe,” she said taking the letter from Jessie. She needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. What the hell had she been thinking? Why had she kissed her? Why had she not done as Jessie asked and taken things slowly? They had just about managed to get back on an even keel, and though they had a mountain to climb at least it was a start. Now she had totally messed things up and she only had herself to blame.
***
Jessie didn’t bother measuring the brandy, she just poured the liquid into a glass and knocked it back in one gulp. How could she have let this happen? What had got into her stupid brain? She snorted a laugh. Those eyes. That’s what had been responsible. She’d always been a sucker for Toni’s eyes – they drew you in like a magnet and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t let go. She poured another drink and repeated the process. Her insides felt like they were on fire. She looked over at the sink and the loose mushrooms strewn in it. How had an innocent lunch turned into a necking session? She didn’t know where she had garnered the strength to stop things before they went any further, but she was glad she had.
When she thought of what could have happened dread filled her. She didn’t know anything about the adult Toni. For all she knew she could be in a relationship with someone. All different scenarios played through her mind. Everything had happened too spontaneously for Jessie to stop half way and start questioning Toni about her life.
She walked over to the sink, gathered the mushrooms together and placed them back in the fridge before returning the pastry to the freezer. She didn’t know whether she had handled the situation correctly, but things had moved so fast that she’d barely had enough time to think. What was the next step? Should she call her? No, I should have another drink. On cue, she refilled her glass, but only took small sips this time.
She was going to have to let Emma know the situation. If Toni did hand in the letter and it wasn’t dealt with in a satisfactory manner she couldn’t afford to represent her. Finally, feeling the numbness she sought, she headed into the living room and flopped on the sofa. Maybe I should give Jennifer a call? Immediately she dismissed that idea. That was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. No; she decided she would just have to play it by ear with Toni. She scooped the remote control from the coffee table deliberately not looking at Toni’s cup, as she switched on the TV. The first thing that came on screen was one of the adverts that Toni had written.
The touch of Toni’s lips burnt an impression on her memory. Feeling tingling sensations below, she wondered whether she may have been a bit hasty in turning Toni away. For too long she had been waiting to feel that kind of connection with another woman again. She smiled as she felt herself drifting into an alcohol-induced sleep – pleased that Toni still had that same effect on her after all those years.
Chapter 20
Jessie edged her car onto the road and switched on the radio. She flipped between several channels before settling on Classic FM. She needed something to soothe her mind not stir up her emotions. She hummed along to Beethoven as if it was a modern day hit until she pulled up outside her office building. She turned the engine off and waited for a few minutes in order to pull herself together. Work was the last place she wanted to be today. She wanted to be at home alone with her thoughts and to figure out what she was going to do about Toni.
The heat in the car finally overpowering her, she climbed out and walked into the building. She nodded at the security guard, who barely looked up at her before returning to the paper he was reading. Two minutes later she walked through her office door to see Emma sat on the edge of Tilly’s desk looking at paperwork while Tilly drank greedily from a bottle of water. Emma turned around upon hearing Jessie enter the office.
“Oh my goodness, what on earth has happened to you?” Emma asked, resting the papers against her chest.
Jessie wasn’t that surprised by the shocked look on Emma’s face. She knew she looked like hell. As hard as she had tried to conceal her tiredness behind a mask of make-up, she’d obviously not succeeded. “One too many brandys.” She said with the wave of her hand.
Tilly stopped drinking long enough to say, “Oooh, does that mean Jennifer is back on the scene?”
Jessie grimaced. “No.”
“So who is it then?” Emma paused for a moment as her eyes widened. “Oh no, not your school mate.”
Jessie lowered her eyes. Was she that obvious? She could still smell the scent of Toni’s perfume on her clothes when she’d woken up that morning still slumped on the sofa from the night before. She’d taken off her top and held it to her nose as she relived the memories of the night before. A brief smile crossed her lips as she stood under the gaze of both women.
Emma pushed herself off the desk and stood to face Jessie. “Jessie, you can’t be serious!”
Jessie held up her hands in mid air. “Nothing happened – well nothing too serious anyway,” she said grinning.
Emma dropped her paperwork on the desk. “Don’t play word games with me Jessie. Either it did or it didn’t.”
Jessie decided to come clean. She laughed easily as she said, “It didn’t, but not because I didn’t want it to.”
Tilly smiled, two deep dimples appearing in her cheeks.. “Ahhh, did she knock you back?”
Jessie playfully sneered at her. “No. Look, joking aside, can I ask you something Em?”
Emma’s expression was open. “Of course you can.”
Jessie frowned as she tried to find the right way to ask the question. “How is it that you so readily forgive Matthew for everything he does that hurts you?”
Emma shrugged. “I guess because I love him.”
Jessie let out a sigh. “Yes, but don’t you still feel angry with him?”
Emma shook her head. “If I’m honest, no I don’t. I’ve seen way too many people get eaten up by resentment and it doesn’t do them any good – they just end up bitter and twisted. I value my mental health more than that.”
“But doesn’t that mean you’re like a doormat? That you can be treated like shit but you still forgive?”
“No. There’s a difference in my relationship with Matthew. If he fucks up I tell him. I don’t let it consume me. Once it’s released I let it go. What’s the point of holding on to something that’s only going to harm you?”
“I suppose,” Jessie said softly.
Emma crossed over to where Jessie stood. “Try this technique that my Buddhist teacher taught me.”
“What? Now?”
“Yes, it will only take a few minutes.” Emma took Jessie by the shoulders and guided her to one of the empty chairs. “Sit down and close your eyes.”
Reluctantly, Jessie did as she was told, leaning back into the chair, trying her hardest not to open her eyes.
“Now,” she said in a soothing tone. “I want you to think about death.”
Jessie’s eyes flew open and she tried to stand. “Bloody hell Em! Are you trying to depress me?”
Emma pressed her back down again. “No. Just do it. Come on, close your eyes.”
Jessie hesitated then repositioned herself in her seat and closed her eyes, trying to shoo away the images of Toni that kept popping up.
“Now think about being on your death bed ... time is running out ... you know you have about five minutes of your life left on this planet.” Emma’s tone became barely a whisper. “Really get behind the emotion ... no more life ... you’ll never see the sunset again or feel the wind in your hair.”
Jessie began to feel a prickling sensation behind her eyes as she fell into the moment.
“Now think about the resentment you’re feeling. Think about the person who hurt you. In the grand scheme of things on your death bed, does it really matter? Even if it was deliberate was it worth carrying it for so long in your heart?”
Jessie cast her mind back to that fateful day at school: being laughed at, being nudged and shoved. At once the powerful emotion behind it hit her like a thunderbolt. First, she felt anger start to rise within her and then she thought, if I was dying would I even care? We were teenagers. Toni was a teenager. Their words have no power over me. They can’t hurt me. Then another emotion rose: sorrow. It was so intense a sob caught in her throat. All of these years she had wasted being angry at the mindless antics of children – because that’s all they were. No, it wasn’t pleasant at the time. In fact it was pretty soul destroying – but look at her now. The experience had made her stronger. She had only buckled when the hurtful words came out of Toni’s mouth. But thinking of Toni as a teenager and now as her as an adult, she started to believe that Toni had reacted due to the circumstances she found herself in. It was that bloody letter. What had she expected her to do? Tell everyone she was a lesbian? Tears began to fall freely from her eyes as she imagined she had one minute left to live. Would she spend that last minute hating Toni or showing her compassion and understanding? Thirty seconds left and she made up her mind: love conquered all. She opened her eyes and looked at Emma who was peering at her.
“So what do you think? Powerful or what?”
Jessie nodded in agreement.
“That’s not to say that I would put up with Matthew’s shit forever. That technique works both ways. Do I want to be on my death bed full of regrets? No way.”
Do I want to throw this opportunity away again? Considering the lack of connection she had felt with women over the years, what if Toni was the one? Did she want to risk living her life and only finding out at the end that she had made a mistake? No – she’d call Toni after work and start making a change in the way she thought about life straight away, even if it meant them just being friends, she wanted Toni back in her life for good.
Chapter 21
Toni stood by the window in her office, a bead of sweat trickling down her spine. The grievance letter burnt in her back pocket like a smouldering fire. All morning she’d been trying to muster up the courage to hand it over to Mark, but just couldn’t do it. Every time she stood up her legs turned to jelly causing her to sit down again. Her mind moved slowly as she weighed up the odds of putting a complaint in and what the consequences would be.
Far off into the distance she watched as birds circled in the clear blue sky, free from the stresses of human life. If only I could join them.
With a sudden burst of inspiration she spun round and headed to Ed’s office – maybe he’d know what to do. She found Ed’s door open and he was sitting at his desk, leaning over the computer, his eyes scrutinising something on the screen. His small windowless office was neat and tidy with books and files stacked away on the only two shelves available.
“Are you okay?” Toni asked as she closed the door behind her.
He let out a sigh as he looked up at her briefly. “Depends how you look at it.”
