Still Just a Geek, page 60
I knew the word “Aramaic” and where Europa is.
Point: Proven.
*There are not a lot of places more receptive to a Simpsons reference than a Mensa conference.
*It’s also a good way to see different rooms, which can be nice.
*I’ve already mentioned a dozen geeky things, but I was building toward something.
Also, it’s always funny to read speeches, because I can practically see the fake notes in my mind:
“Wait for laughter.”
“Hold for applause.”
*This I did, Jeff Dunham–style, with my Wesley Crusher action figure.
*Does no one else feel this?
*It’s so many good E words!
* This might be one of my proudest sentences, because it’s true: At the time, this would have been the science of the day. They understood gravity, but still didn’t understand everything about the shape of the Earth.
It’s just kind of fun to think about science like that.
*And now I want the map to talk to me and tell me when to turn left and if there’s a cop ahead and where the nearest Starbucks is (the latter is usually already in the car with you at this stage in human history).
*Butt joke. Classy and classic.
*Until very recently, “guys” was an acceptable nongendered collective noun to use in conversation. It is my understanding that, today, it can be exclusionary or hurtful to a lot of people who I sincerely do not want or mean to hurt of offend. I make every effort to use “y’all” as my nongendered collective noun today.
*It’s a play on the meek shall inherit—you already knew that.
I’ll move on.
* The great thing is that now there are plenty of geeks out there that can catch a football. And, even if they can’t, they’re the ones asked to run the teams full of the players that can.
* See—stage directions!
*I did indeed promise them something geeky. I was already delivering them something geeky, though. What I really needed to point out that there is “geeky” and there is “GEEKY.”
I was leading them to the all caps version.
*I told you: scared of everything.
And I’m talking about any old library, not just ones in Night Vale or Derry.
*Cue Neil Diamond.
*Yeah, this would be considered YA today, but back then, there was no “Young Adult” section. And I was precocious and reading at a much higher level than your typical third-or fourth-grader.
*dusts shoulders*
*This was like Google, but made of wooden drawers and filled with little white cards.
I’m not lying when I say I miss having to use the card catalog.
* It’s only a cliché if you let it be.
So maybe cut nine-year-old me some slack?
* If I had to guess, I’d think it was Darlene. She seemed like a Darlene to me (in the best possible way).
*I’m trying to remember if anyone “woo’ed!” at that, like when you’re at a comedy show and people are excited when the comic says the name of a place you’re from.
I figured I had a good shot of there being one or two librarians in this crowd.
*I was picturing a dragon in a space station!
*If you ever want to make a young person feel good, show them that you respect their ideas and input1
1 Note that with teenagers, this may not matter—they might just hate you anyway. Because teens. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make the effort.
*I’m not actually sure if I can digress into anything. Sounds painful.
* Gasps filled the auditorium at this admission. Then, the nervous laughter from the former Wesley haters. Then, the awkward silence.
* Or Holey Moley, which is more entertaining than it has a right to be.
*If you’re under thirty, do either of these bands mean anything to you?
Did you even know they were bands?
*See any previous comments about teens.
*If they had, in fact, written him like an actual teenager.
*I read this now and think, Does it sound like we’re all living on a commune, and some of them are my parents?
Words are hard.
* These are songs by the aforementioned bands.
But Black Celebration is superior. It’s an irrefutable fact. Without Black Celebration there wouldn’t even BE a Violator, so there.
*Like, sometimes I imagined myself not getting a wedgie, but then I got one.
*Which you just read about, and is actually a really awesome idea, and I was underselling it here because I knew they were all smart people and would realize I was smart and deep, too.
*Not to be confused with the Martin Short movie Innerspace.
*DON’T GET ME STARTED . . .
* Spoiler alert?
*Alphabear was the hot word game of the moment. Like all word games, it’s essentially a derivative of Scrabble.
*There’s a big edit here. I cut about 2,500 words that come from “The Happiest Days of Our Lives.”
This was a long speech.
*Unless sex is geeky. Maybe the way I do it is?
I’ll have to ask Anne . . .
She says to stick with gaming.
*If it’s legal in your state, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
* “I need to point out that my editor has consistently changed this from how I wrote it (Tabletop) to how it’s technically spelled (TableTop) and even though he’s technically correct—the best kind of correct—it’s like, let it go. It was my show, and I’ll spell it how I want to1
1Copy editor: No, we’re going to capitalize the second “T.”
Me: . . . Cool.
Editor: *Sideshow Bob grumble*
*By now, I hope you see this and sing it like it’s from Fiddler on the Roof.
*This is in bold for some reason. I think I dropped my voice to Barry White levels when I said this.
Remember: This was a speech, and I was performing up there.
*They may call it “Rotisserie,” but I call it getting roasted.
*crickets*
*Or write slash about Edison actually screwing Tesla on top of a Van de Graaff generator.
Chuck Tingle, you can have this idea for free.
*This may have changed after the Great Sourdough Explosion that resulted from COVID-19.
*In hindsight, I might not have wanted “doofus” in here. I don’t know if there’s a positive spin on that. So, if I said “I’m such a doofus for using ‘doofus,’” that’s pretty accurate.
*Almost always yes.
*Sure, I’ll make it a meal for a dollar more.
* I’ve since gotten my Dodgers games back. But TWC—you’re on notice for next time.
* I used to have to walk uphill to be a geek, both ways, in the snow.
*Which it, of course, is.
That doesn’t mean it’s changed (Dudes: It’s better if there are more girls who are geeks. Embrace them . . . with consent, of course), and weirdly the Internet, where geekdom should be able to flourish, has increasingly become a place where it’s calcified.
I’m out there fighting against that, one post at a time.
*Or maybe an elbow bump—a little more sanitary. If you must high five, don’t forget to wash your hands for twenty seconds after. So maybe limit all your high fiving to the bathroom.
Or . . . maybe don’t do that.
*A sci-five is a high five with each participant’s hand is held in the “Live long and prosper” configuration. I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t caught on.
In an effort to jumpstart its surge into popular use, I am now sci-fiving you all.
*This is important: It was imagined, organized, and successfully run by women, in the 1970s, who wrote fan fiction.
That’s where it ALL started, everyone, so don’t you EVER come at me with ANYTHING about “fake geek girls.”
*So I think it’s entirely okay to have pride in the things you love that define you, to fly that flag as high as you like.
That said, I also understand that this could be read (or heard) as appropriating something from a culture that’s been trampled on for centuries.
That was not my intention at all, but enough people have pointed out that these two words made them uncomfortable, so I will own the mistake, and pledge to not make the same mistake in the future.
* For the most part. I love cons, even the ones that are very much massive displays of capitalism. But the good ones still make sure the fans are served for the money they’re shelling out, rather than simply being a warehouse of lines to buy limited edition Funkos.
* Wow . . . this did not age great. Kelly Sue rules, but those other two. Yikes.
Well, you have the Internet. You can decide what you think about them. I think those dudes are garbage.
If I were giving this speech today, maybe I’d say “the next Greta Thunberg or Jordan Peele or Kelly Sue DeConnick”?
*If you’re a fan of New Order, you can sing “Temptation,” but change it to “Transition.” I’d do that for you, but lawyers.
*Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
*We’re number one!
*I choose to believe it’s LCARS running a holodeck simulation.
*Although I’m pretty sure my dogs are constantly thinking, too, but it’s mostly just “Pet me feed me walk me play with me pooping peeing SQUIRREL.”
*That’s why we call them rules.
Recent examples of this are how easily people dismiss facts as opinions. As if climate change or human rights are “agree to disagree” issues.
But that’s a whole other rant.
*When’s the last time you used the word “frogurt”? Try to work it into your daily vocabulary.
*It’s amazing what a few years can do. Remember when we used Harry Potter terms all the time?
Fuck you, J. K. Rowling. Trans rights are human rights and you’ve let down two generations of readers with your ignorance and cruelty.
*Because I’m a geek. Haven’t you been paying attention?
*Now here’s a fun thought experiment: Is this movie more of a success if I’m in it, or is it better for me that I wasn’t in it?
AND THAT’S THE KIND OF SHIT THAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.
*This should probably be “Smokey,” but I wanted to drive home the Lebowski reference.
Some of you got there before you read this note, and I take comfort in that.
*If this had been Macho Man Randy Savage or Rowdy Roddy Piper, I wouldn’t have been so upset.
* And this is probably the second smartest thing I’ve ever done, besides marrying Anne (who, of course, was the first person I reached out to).
*And now they’re out, but not really, and it’s all still very confusing and a clusterfuck, and—oh, right, we all knew that back when I gave this speech, and it’s still true today.
*Like in 2020, when people were sick of the “sick experts” (aka doctors). Buddy, you got a 36 in science. Maybe sit this one out and let the experts talk.
*Maybe this whole speech is me mansplaining being smart to a bunch of smart people.
But at least I was aware of that. And they seemed to enjoy it, so maybe don’t worry about it so much?
*Not sure if Ugur Sahin or Ozlem Tureci (or any of the other amazing scientists) were in the audience that day, but this is exactly what I mean.
I do know that Dr. Eric Fossum, inventor of the CMOS chip (and the reason our phones can take pictures) was there, because I met him in the green room. That was as cool as you think it was.
*This will always be evergreen to me.
If geekdom is about connecting on a common thing—dissecting it and analyzing it and forever being fascinated by it (for good or ill)—then living with depression and mental illness can feel familiar to us geeks . . . except we’re still trying to build that community into one where we’re able to gather and discuss and share our experiences in order to understand that commonality even better.
So I still make this call to arms: be a geek about mental health.
It’s the only way we’re going to make it as mainstream as comic book movies are, and the only way we’re going to get the money and resources necessary to truly help people.
*As you might have realized, I’m a bit obsessive about the things I love. And writing is one of them. What fascinates me so much is how different writing can be, depending on audience and medium. Obviously a text is not a novel, but a speech versus a screenplay? There’s gray area there. And yet they are different, and so you reading my speech (which I think still has an impact, because I’m awesome with words) will almost certainly affect you differently than if you’d seen this speech.
I’m a geek, and to me, that’s—yes, editor—cool.
*I made a deliberate choice to use only female pronouns when I gave this speech, because it was given at a time when girls were still being actively discouraged from participating in STEAM fields (as opposed to now, when it’s still happening, but passively). Several parents and their daughters told me afterward that they’d noticed, and it made them feel validated, seen, and heard.
That made me happy, because that was my intention.
Science needs more women, particularly women of color, and I’ll use every little bit of my privilege to help make that happen.
*You may be like a lot of the parents in this room, and be lost.
That’s okay, because I’m talking about mazes, so that’s sort of the point.
(Not really, but I’m trying to make you feel better about your lack of knowledge about one of the most popular forms of entertainment on Earth.)
*You don’t have to be into Minecraft to understand that.
Fewer spiders is a universal goal of mine, whether it’s in games or in real life.
*Now I’m all those things, but get paid for it.
*Second mention of “Dyson sphere,” so you may be wondering if this is some kind of fancy vacuum cleaner or air purifier.
It is not.
You can look it up, though—it’s a very interesting theoretical structure (or is it a theory? . . . ).
*Just a regular James Watt over here.
*All math, if I’m being honest.
*With Sam Rockwell—such an underrated movie.
*Jordan, I give you permission to put my head in a jar. Just put me on the shelf next to Frakes.
*I want to be clear: I’m not claiming here to have invented the idea of STEAM. But I like to think, for these kids, at least, I was introducing it to them (and others like them through my blog) about the importance of the humanities as a core to understanding and excelling at math and science.
I was an early adopter, if nothing else.
*No matter what, before there’s innovation, there’s imagination. There’s someone asking “What if?”
Often it’s art that can do this, because it’s not constrained by money or resources or know-how. It’s just words and ideas and pictures.
But that inspiration sparks the imagination, which leads to invention and innovation.
(All those I words, and yet there’s no I in “STEAM.”)
And yes, I wrote that whole thing to set up this dad joke. Felix, this one is especially for you. I love you.
*I’m looking at you, Boston Dynamics.
*Humblebrag.
*One day, though, that language will let them walk through walls.
*I highly recommend an Asimov story “The Eureka Phenomenon.”
I also miss the show Eureka.
I never owned a Eureka vacuum, so not sure if I can recommend it or not.
* Is there a discussion about fractals coming?
