Still Just a Geek, page 38
Q: I hated Wesley!
A: Really? He always had such nice things to say about you.
Q: Is it true that you were really Ashley Judd’s first on-screen kiss, and you ruined her for the rest of her life?
A: Yep. It is 100 percent true. Ashley Judd played Robin Lefler in the episode “The Game,” and Uncle Willie went to bootytown. And by bootytown, I mean when the cameras stopped rolling, we were just two actors doing a scene. Only one of us had a boner.*
Q: Do you stay in touch with any of the cast members?
A: I wish I could say that we hang out all the time,* but that’s just not the case. I really, really like all of them, and the cast is the thing I miss the most about working on Star Trek. The thing is, when we all worked together on the show, I was a lame-ass teenager, and they were all cool adults in their thirties, so it’s not like we had a lot of similar interests. Now that I’m a cool adult in my late twenties, they’re all old and in their forties, so they are *so* uncool. Just kidding. Truth is, when I am around them, I feel like I am a lame-ass teenager all over again, and I clam up. I once told Patrick how I felt so lame, because I felt like I didn’t appreciate them when I was younger, and I wished that I had. Patrick put his hand on my shoulder and said, “My dear, I always related to you and thought of you as a fine actor.” Patrick is very cool.*
Q: Was anyone a dick?
A: No. believe it or not, nobody was a dick. Everyone was very, very cool.* When you’re on a show like that, you spend about ten hours a day, five days a week, together. Some shows will have a prima donna or four, but we never did.*
Q: Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that?
A: Do you need a time out, mister? What did I just say?
Q: Can I see you at any of those conventions?
A: You sure can. I am doing a few conventions every year, mostly on the West Coast, so I don’t have to travel too far from home. You should check the conventions page (http://www.wilwheaton.net/cons.php)* to find out if I’m coming to a hotel conference center near you any time soon!
Q: What do you think of Enterprise?
A: I loved it when it started. However, I don’t like the way it’s gone at all, and I don’t watch it anymore.*
Q: Hey, I watched Weakest Link. What was that all about?
A: Heh. Well, see, Weakest Link is all about making people look bad and making Anne Robinson look good. I thought that I’d have fun with her by being even ruder and more offensive than she is. I thought the best way to accomplish this would be to play a condescending A-hole.
Mission. Accomplished. >:-)
Q: So you aren’t really an asshole?
A: Well, that depends on who you ask.
Q: WTF is up with you and Roxann Dawson?
A: Well, that was all a joke, too. I guess the producers decided to really make her look bad with the interview they chose. She is a really cool person, and everything between us is fine. But thanks for asking.*
STAND BY ME
Q: Were the leeches real?
A: They sure were. Can you imagine the shit Rob Reiner got for putting REAL LEECHES on twelve-year-olds? I mean, I still have a scar from that scene, if you get my drift. He tried to run us over with the train and make sleeping bags out of our skin, too. Oh, and everything I wrote between the words “They” and “too” is a lie. Please replace that with, “No, you dumb shit. Do you actually think they’d put real leeches on a bunch of kids? Why don’t you just admit that you’re a sick fuck who wants to hear me talk about my junk?” Thank you.*
Q: Was the train real?
A: Strangely enough, the train was fake. We never once, in the entire production, used a real train. Something about unions. Oh, and for the sake of this answer, please replace the word “fake” with “real and scary.” You can pretend the line about unions doesn’t exist, unless it made you laugh. If it made you laugh, I’d like you to send me a dollar.* Comedy isn’t cheap, you know.
Q: Were you scared?
A: Even stranger than the fake trains (which were all made from cardboard and tin foil placed over a wooden chassis pushed by twelve midgets*) was my abject fear of them. Particularly when we shot the running-across-the-trestle sequence. The stunt coordinator, Rick Barker, likes to tell this really funny story about how he put Jerry and me on the tracks and had the train about fifty feet behind us, traveling at something like four miles per hour. We were running toward a 500 mm lens, so it would look like the (fake) train was right up our asses. Well, when you’re twelve, and you’re standing on a train track, and there is a train behind you, I don’t care how slow it’s going—if it’s moving at all, it is scary as shit.* So Rick has us on the tracks, making us wait to run. In the dailies, you can see Jerry and me, with tears running down our faces, turning off camera, saying “Can we go yet? Can we go yet?”
What a couple of wimps we were. Oh, and my stunt double for that sequence was a woman, because I was so skinny and whatnot. The rest of the cast (bastards) had a field day with that one.*
Q: How was it working with Rob Reiner?
A: It was awesome. I always say that Rob deserves all the credit for Stand by Me being the wonderful movie that it was. He really knew how to communicate with four twelve-year-olds (I have a hard enough time communicating with my *own* twelve-year-old) and had the good sense to cast kids who were more or less exactly like their characters.
And here is something about Rob: He always made me feel like I deserved to be on that set. He never made me feel like I was a snot-faced kid (which I was),* and he always treated me like an equal. I wish more directors were like Rob, and less like complete A-holes.
Q: How was it working with River Phoenix?
A: River was really, really cool. At the time, I looked up to him because he was such a cool guy.
He was a wonderful actor and a wonderful person, and it really fucking sucks that nobody tried to stop him from becoming a complete junkie.*
When I see the bullshit hacks who are passing for young, hot actors these days, I really miss River. Because he was a REAL actor, not a prepackaged bunch of hype and marketing.*
Q: How was it working with Corey Feldman?
A: Corey was a huge pain in the ass, but I don’t think that was entirely his fault. Corey was a product of his environment. His parents were really into that whole “My kid is famous” thing. When we shot Stand by Me, they didn’t even stay in Oregon with him; they hired a woman he didn’t even know to be his guardian.
I think Corey was an angry kid who was in a lot of emotional pain. Rob Reiner confirmed that for me when I asked him, “Why did you hire Corey? He’s such a pain in the ass!” Rob said, “Corey was the only actor we saw who had enough anger bottled up inside of him to play this role.”*
During that summer in Oregon, Corey (and River) began their love affair with the drugs. River’s dead now, and Corey has been sober for something like ten years. I understand that he’s doing everything he can to get his career back on track.*
Q: Do you stay in touch with any of the other actors?
A: Not really. River is dead, Jerry is like a multimillionaire movie star, so we live in different worlds, and Corey is . . . well . . . Corey.
Q: Why isn’t there a commentary from you, Wil Wheaton, on the DVD?
A: Because Columbia/TriStar was afraid that I, Wil Wheaton, would bring the noise and testify! Because The Man couldn’t stand to have me, Wil Wheaton, stand up and let the word ring out from the DVD box!*
OTHER MOVIES AND TELEVISION
Q: The Curse: What were you thinking?
A: Well, at the time, I was just a young’un and some really evil producers from a scary foreign country came to me and said, “We have this movie for you to be in, and we want to give you lots of money to be in it.” And I didn’t have the best advisers at the time, and nobody told me that this big pile of shit would be around forever.* Consider it a very expensive lesson. At least I didn’t get a tattoo.
THE SITE
Q: What’s with the quotes all over the place?
A: I like to quote things. The old site had more random quotes than this one does.*
Maybe I’ll have a “name the quote” contest someday.
Q: Do you really run this site on your own?
A: Yep. I am what you call a “Type-A control freak.” You can view the source code if you doubt me. I figure that if this site is going to represent me, I should be running it.
Q: Who hosts your site?
A: Logjamming.* They are the coolest guys, ever.
Q: Why’d you put a porn link on your site?!* You’re squeaky clean!
A: Because I wanted to upset you, Mom.*
Q: What’s with the autoresponse?*
A: The autoresponse is no more, but people who e-mailed me used to get the following:
From: wil@www.wilwheaton.net
Subject: Automated reply from wil@www.wilwheaton.net
Hey!
Don’t you hate autoresponders, $GOOD_FRIEND?
I know that I do, and I would *never* dream of sending an autoresponse to anyone, not $MUTUAL_FRIEND, or $OTHER_MUTUAL_FRIEND, or even, $ENEMY.
You know, $THING_YOU_E-MAILED_ABOUT really was ${fVAR=TRUE_FALSE)! It reminded me of $INTERESTING STORY.
Well, I have to get back to ${fVAR WORK_PLAY_SCHEMING}, $GOOD_FRIEND, so I’d better sign off.
$CLEVER_PERSONAL_CLOSING,
Wil
Q: So are you going to reply to my e-mail or what?
A: Sadly, the answer to this question is most likely no. I really do read everything that is sent to me, but I just don’t have the time anymore to personally reply to everyone who e-mails. I used to be able to keep up with it, but the time just isn’t there anymore, between my commitments to work and my family.*
OTHER QUESTIONS
Q: Why don’t you talk about Toy Soldiers in this FAQ?
A: When I wrote this FAQ originally, I didn’t realize that so many people were interested in Toy Soldiers. I’ll get around to writing all about it very soon.*
Q: Is it true that you’re married?
A: Yep. My wife, Anne, and I have been married since 1999.
Q: So you’re not gay?
A: I am not gay. But thanks for asking.
Q: Wait. I heard that you and . . .
A: Yeah, I heard that too. And since I read it on the Internet, it must be true, right?
Q: So why don’t you post lots of pictures of your stepkids on the site?
A: I prefer to keep them out of the limelight. That’s why it’s called WIL WHEATON dot NET, not WIL WHEATON AND HIS STEPKIDS dot NET. Seriously, I expect everyone to respect my limits and my stepkids’ privacy.
Q: I want to be an actor. Do you have any advice?
A: Yes, I do: study, study, study. Read the classic plays and see the great movies. And for the love of Bob, study with a great teacher! Get yourself into some sort of acting program or workshop. Just avoid anything that tells you they’ll give you a free book by L. Ron Hubbard. It’s a scheme to recruit you into Scientology.*
Q: I wrote you a letter, and you never answered, jackass.
A: Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. I have all the letters I’ve gotten over the past two years or so, and I’m gonna hire someone to help me out, so I can reply to them all.*
Q: Will you come over to my house and tell my brother to stop leaving the toilet seat up?
A: Yes. Just as soon as you tell your mom to stop calling me. I was drunk, and it was a onetime thing.*
Appendix B
An Interview
As my website gained popularity, I did several interviews. This appendix contains one of them, from Slashdot, a website that provides “News for nerds, stuff that matters.”
SLASHDOT.ORG
The original thread at Slashdot, complete with user comments as well as some of my own, can be found at http://interviews.slashdot.org/article.pl? sid=01/10/29/173252.*
Ask Wil Wheaton Anything
Wil Wheaton is our latest interview victim. Best known here as Wesley Crusher on TNG, Wil has a history doing movies both good (Stand by Me) and, uh, otherwise. His movie, The Good Things, just won the grand prize at the 27th Festival of American Cinema at Deauville.* His current project is Jane White Is Sick & Twisted.* A big thanks to Wil for taking the time to answer so many of our questions.
THOSE SILLY AUTOMATIC DOORS
By wikki on 07:36 A.M. October 15, 2001
Q: When you were on the set of TNG, did you ever find yourself running into the automatic doors when there was no one there to open them for you? How about at your house or other places? Was this a problem for any of the other cast members? Did you ever find yourself going to grocery stores and running in and out of the doors just to make you feel better?
A: This happened all the time. We’d get so used to those doors opening when we approached them that we’d keep going right into them if they didn’t. It was very embarrassing when I’d be taking some friends on a tour of the sets, and I’d expect the doors to open, and they wouldn’t. Sometimes it would happen during work, because the FX guys wouldn’t get their cue, or someone would decide to enter a scene early. One time, Jonathan was in the turbolift on the bridge and decided that he’d come into the scene a little bit earlier than we’d rehearsed. So I’m sitting in my chair, Patrick is going on and on about the Prime Directive or something, and there is this loud CRASH! from the turbo-lift. We all turn around to look, and the doors slowly open (like the FX guy is scared to open the door), and Jonathan is on the floor. I think it was Michael Dorn who was in the turbolift with him, and he is standing over him, just pointing and laughing. We did a lot of that on TNG. The pointing and laughing, I mean.
Those doors do have a legacy that cascades into my current work. They were loud when they opened and closed, sort of like a sliding glass door. So the sound man would ask us to hold our dialogue until the doors were open or closed. Go watch TNG and watch for it. We rarely speak when doors are opening or closing on screen, because we’d have to rerecord the dialogue later in ADR.* The thing is, even though I’ve been off the show for years, when I’m doing a movie today, I still don’t talk when doors are opening or closing. Even if they’re normal doors.
One time, I was at the grocery store, walking through the doors in a wistful attempt to recapture the magic, and I was attacked by some Girl Scouts. Apparently, they were trying to sell those damn cookies (which are Soylent Green, by the way—you heard it here, first),* and I was scaring off the potential customers. Those Girl Scouts are very territorial, and they’ll stab you in the neck if you don’t watch it.
WHERE’S THE PARTIES, DUDE?
By imrdkl on 07:48 A.M. October 15, 2001
Q: Seriously, how much time do you spend reading techie sites like Slashdot and keeping up with the issues? I see lots of nice links and banners on your webpage that seem to advocate. How would you “rate your geekness”? Is setting up your own server really fun for you, or just another way to score babes? :-)
Thanks, I enjoy a lot of your work. Well, here’s my geek code:
---BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK ---
Version: 3.12
GPA d -(--) s:-a-
C++++ UL P>++
L+>++++ E -W+++ N+
o-K-w++++> --O -
M+ V -PS++(+++) PE
Y++ PGP++>+++
t++@($) 5 X+++ R++ tv –
b+++ DI+D++G++
e*>++++ h --r+++ y+++
---END GEEK CODE BLOCK ---
A: I’ve been reading /. [Slashdot] for a few years. It was my home page for a while, even. I check in a few times a day, so I can keep up on what’s going on and complain that none of my submissions are ever taken. The issues that I am most passionate about are privacy and YRO (Your Rights Online).* Every chance I get, I bug these guys to publish a quarterly YRO journal. Unfortunately, every chance has been once.
Setting up my own server is still beyond my abilities, but it is something I will be able to do, someday.* Often, when I’m in a “down cycle,” or whatever the buzzword is for not working for months at a time, I think about getting a “fall back” job, so I could have a regular day job if I ever needed it. Recently, I’ve been thinking very seriously about pursuing a CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Associate).*
BORN A GEEK, OR DID ST PUSH YOU IN THAT DIRECTION?
By anvilmark on 12:27 P.M. October 15, 2001
Q: Did you have a technical inclination prior to T:TNG? Did you become more/less interested in tech from your ST experience? If so, in what ways?
A: Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been interested in science and engineering. Unfortunately, my complete inability to do simple mathematics (when I got my SATs back, it said “3 percent of people who take this will score higher than you” in the verbal section—it said 95 percent would score higher than me in math) really interferes with my ability to take my interests further than just a hobby. I built one of those crystal radio kits when I was 8 though . . . that was pretty cool. And I *did* assimilate lots of other computers to make mine.
I’ve been a voracious reader my whole life, reading mostly non-fiction books, up until I was about thirteen or fourteen, when I read Ringworld . . . something about reading that book . . . it was like a switch was turned on inside my head, and I suddenly couldn’t get enough of science fiction. I read all of Niven’s books, then nearly everything Asimov had ever penned . . . Ender’s Game . . . all of what are considered the classics, I guess. During that time, I developed this insatiable desire to understand the science behind the science fiction, so I read many of Asimov’s nonfiction books, starting with his Guide to Earth and Space. I think that Asimov is truly one of the greatest authors of all time. For actors, his Guide to Shakespeare is required reading. Anyway, after reading some of his books, I read The Mind’s Sky, A Brief History of Time, and, finally, Hyperspace. It was really cool to be reading about all that theory and acting it out at the same time. I wonder if any of the other actors got it when there’d be a graphic in engineering labeled “Kaluza-Klein Field.”
