Okay, But Try Not To Murder Anyone 7, page 1
Would you like to see chapters of my books before they come out? Do you want to see cover art sketches and vote on which poses should make it to final production? Would you like to see even sexier versions of my covers? Would you like to get my audiobooks at a deep discount?
Of course you would! Join my Patreon here to get all these awesome benefits (or search for my name on Patreon.com).
You can also join my Facebook group right here. Then you’ll know when my books come out before anyone else.
Cast of Characters from Book 6:
Jonah Patterson: Human. Superhero Liaison at FBI. Brown hair. Blue eyes. He possesses permanently attached Ke-Beech cuff artifacts that give him power, strength, and protection through kinetic energy
Laura Mayhew: Human. FBI Agent/Girlfriend. Ice-blonde hair. Blue eyes. Comes from generational wealth, so her work is her passion instead of a paycheck. Very eager to please her superiors.
Elaine Mizrahi: Human. FBI Agent/Girlfriend. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Former Israeli soldier, general badass.
Mary Johnson: Human. FBI Agent/Girlfriend. Dark curly hair. Green eyes. Bubbly and cutesy, pop culture nerd.
Sloan Hawk: Shapeshifter. Love Interest. Short black hair. Brown eyes. Comes from the Algonquin tribe, can shapeshift, and joined forces with Jonah’s team to recover more artifacts.
Sammy Dabrowski: Human. FBI Agent. Large, broad body type with red hair and a big beard. The team’s IT guy and mentor to Mary about all things tech.
Barry Samburne: Human. FBI Director. Tall, athletic build, with distinguished salt-and-pepper hair. Very stoic and professional but has respect for Jonah’s team. Also has a personal stake in finding more artifacts because his brother was killed on a similar mission.
Appius Smith: Human. Notorious criminal. Short, bald, and with a crooked nose, he was a rival criminal to Bannister, trying to tear down his empire. He was killed during Jonah’s most recent mission.
Richard Bannister: Human. Criminal, Most Wanted by FBI. Physical appearance unknown. Leader of the Black Market Group, possesses several dangerous artifacts and will stop at nothing to get more
Chapter 1
I gripped my phone harder as I finally heard the voice of the man who’d put a hit on my head.
“Bannister,” I said as my heart pounded in my chest.
“You’re alive,” Bannister said in an amused tone.
“Hilarious,” I replied flatly as I instinctively glanced around the elevator. I wouldn’t put it past this sick fuck to call me while he had a sniper trained on me, but I couldn’t see any little red dot on me, which made sense considering I was in an elevator alone. That meant I was safe, for now at least. “Why are you calling me?”
“First and foremost, I’d like to thank you for taking out Appius,” Bannister said. “He has been a thorn in my side for longer than I’d care to admit. You have my deepest gratitude for taking him out for me.
“Right,” I snorted. I knew about the combative history between Bannister and Appius that all started over a woman, but I sure as fuck didn’t take Appius out as a favor to Bannister. Appius had almost killed Sloan, our indigenous ally from Canada, the others, and me. Obviously, I was going to kill that fucker, and it was annoying how Bannister had the audacity to thank me for it.
“I’m also calling to extend an olive branch,” Bannister continued when I didn’t say anything else, and I could hear clicking sounds in the background like he was at a computer.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I seethed, and my hand gripped my phone so tightly, I thought I would crush it with my kinetic powers. “You put a hit on me, then upped the bounty, and you want me to accept some bullshit peace offering? Go to hell.”
“I’ll rescind the bounty right now,” Bannister replied quickly, and the tapping in the background got faster.
“I don’t believe you,” I retorted, and I shook my head in disbelief.
After everything, this bastard still thought I was a fool. My rage coursed through my body until I was shaking with it. God, I wished I could get my hands on this rich criminal bastard and beat him senseless. He deserved a slow, painful death for everything he’d put me and my women through.
“It’s done,” Bannister said. “There is no longer a hit out on your head. You can have your FBI friend Sammy verify it on all of his databases, of course.”
“I--” I began, but I was at a loss for words as I took in this information.
Obviously, I’d have Sammy verifying that as soon as I hung up the phone with Bannister, since he was well known for being a lying bastard. But, if he was telling the truth, I had to admit it would be a load off my mind. It wasn’t fun walking around with a million dollar bounty on your head. I was getting pretty sick of the frequent attacks that put my women in danger.
“So, now that you see I am genuine, would you like to hear what else I have to say?” Bannister asked.
“I suppose,” I said carefully.
“I’m prepared to make you a deal,” Bannister continued, and his voice shifted to a business tone.
“What kind of deal?” I asked.
“I’d like to purchase all of the ancient artifacts you’ve acquired,” Bannister said. “Everything from both the Ke-Beech and the Harappan civilizations. I--”
“Ha, fat chance,” I interrupted him with a snort.
“I am willing to offer,” Bannister went on as if I hadn’t cut him off, “ten million dollars.”
“What?” I asked as I tried to process the insanely high number.
“Ten. Million,” Bannister repeated, and I could hear the grin in his voice.
This bastard definitely expected me to fold.
Ten million was nothing to laugh at, but this asshole had put my girlfriends in danger too many times for me to ever trust anything that came out of his mouth.
“No, thanks,” I said flatly. “I’m not interested in taking money from you, no matter how much. And I’m sure as shit not handing over my artifacts to you.”
“I understand your position, but I’m going to encourage you to take some time to think about it,” Bannister chuckled. “Ten million dollars, and you and your beautiful women wouldn’t have to worry about anything ever again.”
“Don’t talk about my women,” I snapped.
“Just take some time to think about it,” Bannister repeated. “I’ll be in touch soon.”
The line clicked, and I pulled the phone away from my ear to glare angrily at it. Bannister had some fucking nerve calling me like that.
For the rest of the elevator ride, I let myself fantasize about a cool ten million dollars chilling in my bank account. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t tempting, and if anyone else had made the offer, I’d probably accept it. Bannister could go suck a fat one, though. I’d live in a box before I took money from that bastard. Even if I decided to overlook the fact he’d put a bounty on my head, and put my girlfriends in danger, he was just a terrible person in general, not anyone I would make a deal with in any lifetime, and definitely not when he expected me to hand over powerful artifacts.
My eyes fell to my tattooed cuffs, and I flexed my forearm muscles so they rippled across the ink. I grinned at the sight, and I wondered how I would even take them off, so to speak. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible at this point, and I wasn’t really interested in trying.
These cuffs had changed my life, there was no amount of money I’d trade them for.
The elevator dinged open to my floor, and I exited, crossed the small foyer space, and unlocked the door. There was a joyous cheer from the women when I entered the living room, and I spotted all three of them on the couch in their silk robes and holding up drinks as they wooed in my direction.
“There you are!” Elaine cried out happily.
“What took you so long?” Mary pouted as I crossed the room to the waiting women.
“It’s a long story,” I said with a sigh.
I handed Elaine her phone charger, which was why I’d gone down to the car in the first place. The beautiful Israeli woman took it and handed me a tumbler with what looked like an old fashioned mixed in it with her other hand. I took a sip and sighed contentedly as Mary pulled me onto the couch and nestled into my side. Elaine sat on the other side of me while Laura sat kitty-corner on the L-shaped couch, but the pretty blonde stretched her feet out so they rested against mine.
“Well, we want to hear,” Mary said as she sipped her own drink, and her curly hair bounced as she shifted on the couch.
“I got a phone call,” I said as I swirled the ice in my tumbler. “From Bannister.”
“What?” the women gasped in unison.
“You mean just now?” Laura demanded, and her pretty face scrunched into a frown as she automatically reached for her phone on the coffee table. “What did he say?”
“He called off the hit, apparently,” I said as my ice cubes clinked against the glass.
“Really?” Mary asked in an eager tone.
“Allegedly,” I said with a shrug, and then I met Laura’s eyes. “I’d like to verify that through Sammy, though.”
“Done,” Laura said as she started furiously tapping a message to our tech expert on her phone.
“What else did he say?” Elaine asked in her accented English as she searched my face. “Surely, he did not just call to tell you he stopped the hit.”
“You’re right,” I said as I nodded. “He also offered to buy all of the artifacts from me… for ten million dolla
A silence fell over the room, and the women blinked at me as they processed what I’d just said.
“Ten… million?” Mary repeated in a voice barely above a whisper.
“Yup,” I sighed as I took another swig of the old fashioned.
“What did you tell him?” Laura asked as her thumbs hovered over her keyboard, still frozen in shock.
“I told him not a chance in hell, obviously,” I scoffed. “That I didn’t care how much money he offered, I’d never sell anything to him.”
“Good,” Elaine said as she raised her chin in the air defiantly. “Fuck that guy.”
“Exactly,” I replied with a grin.
“And how did he take that?” Laura asked as she lifted a blonde eyebrow.
“He told me to take some time to think about it, and he’d be in touch again soon to discuss it some more,” I said as I jingled the ice in my glass again. “But obviously, the answer is no, no matter how many times he asks.”
“Of course,” Elaine said firmly.
“I need to tell the Director,” Laura said, and she stood up abruptly and placed her drink on the coffee table. She crossed the room with her head buried in her phone, and then she disappeared into the kitchen just as she put the phone to her ear.
“I can’t believe it,” Elaine said with a shake of her head. “First, he puts a hit on your head, then he wants to make a deal with you? Is he joking?”
“That’s pretty much exactly what I said,” I replied.
“I mean… ten million dollars would be pretty cool, though,” Mary said with a lopsided smile.
“Mary!” Elaine scolded the curly-haired woman.
“What? It would be!” Mary countered. “I’m not saying we should do it, obviously. That would be super insane to give that psycho the artifacts. But come on. Ten million dollars. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t love ten million dollars.”
“Oh, of course I would,” Elaine agreed as her face got a misty, far-away look on it. “I could have a whole shooting range, just for myself. With all of the coolest weapons.”
“I could have so many screens to play my games,” Mary sighed before she lifted her arms up, spread them wide, and almost spilled her drink. “Like a whole wall of them, could you imagine?”
“We don’t need to take Bannister’s money to make these things happen,” I pointed out. “It may not be in our budget right now, but if that’s what you two want, I will make it happen.”
“Don’t worry, babe, we’re just… what’s the word?” Elaine asked as she tapped her chin. “Dreaming of the day? No, that’s not right.”
“Daydreaming,” Mary piped up.
“That’s it,” Elaine said as she snapped her fingers. “Daydreaming. It’s not real.”
Before I could reply, Laura returned to the living room with a shake of her head.
“I couldn’t reach the Director, so I left him a voicemail,” the beautiful blonde agent said as she joined us on the couch again. She picked her drink up off the table and drained the rest of it in one drink.
“I’ll make us some more,” Elaine said, and she grabbed everyone’s empty glasses and headed for the bar cart on the opposite side of the room.
“What do you reckon Bannister’s endgame is here?” Laura asked as she twisted her hands nervously. “This has to be some sort of setup, right? He wouldn’t just hand over ten million dollars after trying to kill you for months, would he?”
“For the artifacts? Who knows,” I sighed.
“You don’t think he’s trying to get close to you so he can take you out himself, do you?” Mary gasped.
“I’d like to see him try,” I said as I instinctively flexed my muscles, and I felt my kinetic energy charge up underneath my skin. I had to take a few deep breaths to get it to calm down again since I wasn’t actually in any danger at the moment.
“You know, Mary,” Elaine said as she returned with a tray full of drinks and started passing them out, starting with mine. “You’re really starting to think like a soldier. Or an agent. Or both.”
“She’s right,” Laura said as she accepted a glass from Elaine. “You’ve come a long way, Mary.”
“Of course I have, I hang out with you guys all the time,” Mary giggled. “It would be pretty much impossible not to start thinking like you guys.”
“You’re not wrong,” Elaine said as she handed Mary a wine glass.
“No one answered the question, though,” Mary said as she took the red wine from the Israeli woman.
“Because we don’t know.” Laura shook her head, and her blonde hair brushed her shoulders. “It’s a valid theory, Bannister is just trying to get closer to Jonah so he can take him out himself. But based on how this guy conducts his business, I’m not sure. He’s very good at getting other people to do his dirty work for him.”
“And what about Sloan?” Elaine asked with a frown, and she turned to me as she brought up the woman from the Algonquin tribe. “Did he mention anything about her or the ring?”
“Oh, my god, I almost forgot,” I said as I slapped my hand against my forehead, and then I grinned widely as the memories of Sloan in the backseat of the Blackwing came flooding back to me.
Bannister’s phone call had really thrown me off to make me forget those incredible moments with the gorgeous indigenous woman.
“What?” Mary demanded.
“Sloan came to visit me, too,” I said, and I pulled the baggies out of my pocket that contained the two separated ring halves.
There was another collective gasp from the robed women as I held up the artifact.
“Whoa,” Elaine gasped as she leaned in to get a closer look at the ring halves. “She gave you both halves of the ring?”
“Sure did.” I smiled proudly. “She figures they’re safer with me after Appius’ psycho behavior.”
“Well, she’s not wrong,” Elaine chuckled as she reached out and gently pushed one of the baggies so it swayed in my grip. Then she met my gaze again and smiled. “Did she… give you anything else?”
“Maybe,” I said coyly.
“Ohhh, story time!” Mary cried out, and she looked at me with her wide emerald eyes sparkling. “Tell us everything.”
“Let me put these away first,” I said as I dangled the ring halves again.
I stood and made my way to the large office-slash-library, where there was a hidden safe behind a painting on the wall. I keyed in the code, the safe swung open, and I placed the artifact carefully in the safe, along with our passports and other important documents, as well as a fat stack of emergency cash. I swung the safe shut and heard the mechanical whirring of the lock engaging before I swung the painting back in its place.
Then I returned to the living room, settled in, and gave my three girlfriends a blow-by-blow play of my sexcapades with the gorgeous Sloan Hawk in my Blackwing. They wanted explicit details, so I left nothing out, and when I was finished, they all squealed in delight.
“I knew it,” Elaine said as she stuck her chin in the air. “The sexual tension between you two was so thick I could have cut it with a knife.”
“Oh, totally,” Mary said as she bobbed her curly head up and down. “She wanted you bad, for sure.”
“She’s a very beautiful woman,” Laura added with a wistful tone in her voice.
“I know, I gotta admit, I’m a little bummed I missed out on the fun,” Elaine said as she nudged me gently in the ribcage.
“Sorry,” I said with a grin. “It all happened so suddenly. If it happens again, though, I’ll be sure to extend the invitation to you all to join.”
“Yes, we would appreciate that, thank you,” Mary sniffled. “I mean, did you see the ass on her?”
We spent the next few minutes dissecting how hot Sloan was as they asked me to repeat certain parts of the sex in the car. I happily obliged. One of the best parts of this polyamory situation we had going on was how much the women loved to hear about my sexual exploits with each other or even other women. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be in this dream situation, but I was going to take full advantage of it.
Eventually, the sex talk died down, and Laura received a text.
“Oh, it’s Sammy,” Laura said as she read the message. “He says he can’t find any trace of your hit anymore, Jonah.”
There was a cheer from the group.
