Winter's Spell, page 18
There was a beat of silence as they contemplated what Mo had just said before being interrupted, loudly, by Mo’s growling stomach.
“Oh dear,” said Mo. “That was me.” She looked at Roxy and giggled.
“Sounds like you need some lunch,” said Roxy with a chuckle. “We got what we came for. Let’s get some grub.”
“Grubs sound good.”
Roxy wrinkled her nose. “You eat grubs too!?”
Mo shrugged. “They are like delicacy for us.”
They stacked the books and let Rhoda know they were done. On their way out of the shop, they stopped to chat with Clare before stepping out into the sunshine. It had turned into a beautiful, if breezy, winter day, and Roxy was glad to be outside again in the fresh air. Dusty libraries and archives were not her favorite places to be, even if they had their uses occasionally.
Roxy had finally gotten her first paycheck from the brewery, so they decided to splurge on a meal at a restaurant that served both cooked food and poke bowls with raw tuna for Mo. In the afternoon, they went to the library, Roxy registered for a card, and they picked out a bunch of books to peruse at home. Roxy was working an evening shift at the brewery, so after taking the books back to the apartment, she had just enough time to change her clothes and run a comb through her windblown tangles before heading out the door again.
Mo already had her nose stuck in a book, reading about mermaids. Who would have thought a mermaid would want to read more about mermaids?
As Roxy entered the brewery, the sweet-sharp smell of brewer’s yeast hit her nose in a way that was comforting and familiar. She’d fallen into the rhythm of the brewery effortlessly. Everyone was easy to work with, and she appreciated having to start from the bottom up. She’d done everything so far from cleaning floors to pouring beers for patrons to wiping down tables in the dining room to unloading trucks full of brewing supplies. The day before when Tessa had stopped by was her first time getting a more hands-on lesson in the brewing process, and it’d been fascinating.
She hadn’t been kidding when she’d told Tessa that she was really enjoying herself here—and starting to wonder if this might be the beginning of a new chapter for herself. It felt simple, even natural to her, even though she really hadn’t ever seen herself working in the food industry or hospitality.
As she hung up her jacket and hat in the staff area, though, she was reminded yet again of Tessa’s reaction to their conversation on that topic two days earlier. As if working in a brewery was beneath her or somehow a bad job. She hadn’t had a chance to ask her to clarify, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to. She’d been enjoying getting to know Tessa, and in some ways, it was fun to hear her talk about herself and ask her questions—but she was realizing now that she hadn’t really had a chance to tell Tessa much about herself. Maybe Tessa didn’t want to date someone who worked in a brewery?
All the more reason to focus on other things and take it slow. It all might still come to nothing, and if Roxy could protect her heart in the midst of everything else going on, all the better.
It was a Friday night at the brewery, and it was busy. Even in winter, people liked to come out to Ptown for a quick getaway, and the work kept her mind off Tessa and her own concerns about what, if any, future they had together. The rest of the evening passed in a blur, for which Roxy was grateful. It was nice not to worry about Mo, or mermaid hunters, or even cute but complicated women like Tessa.
Chapter Sixteen—Tessa
Tessa was on pins and needles all weekend. She could feel herself getting jumpy and irritable in meetings; everyone seemed bent on annoying her. She found herself snapping at Chayo and Joy for no good reason, except that she hadn’t heard from Roxy in four days.
Four long days.
She should have been enjoying being in the middle of working on a show. This was her baby after all. Costumes were arriving, sets were getting built, and the actors were working with her in rehearsals on blocking, character development, and line delivery. In some ways, it was the most creative part of putting on a play. Nothing was set in stone yet. The relationships between the actors and their characters were still in process, and usually Tessa would have been laser-focused on her role as director.
But her unsatisfying interaction with Roxy at the brewery coupled with the lack of communication following on the heels of that absolutely perfect kiss in her apartment were making it impossible for Tessa to concentrate on anything. She kept replaying the conversation in her head and berating herself for making assumptions. Other times she’d find herself annoyed that Roxy was so sensitive. If she was so upset, couldn’t she simply tell Tessa what the issue was?
Tessa thought she’d been doing a pretty good job of hiding her inner turmoil from everyone else, but when Sunday rehearsals wrapped up around two in the afternoon, Chayo and Joy practically frog-marched Tessa to the box office.
Chayo closed the door behind her, and she and Joy stood in front of Tessa, identical looks of concern on their faces.
“It’s that obvious?” said Tessa. She felt her annoyance and frustration drain away, replaced quickly by a feeling of overwhelming sadness.
“Hey, no need to get all dramatic,” said Chayo. “We’re worried about you. You haven’t been yourself since last Wednesday.”
“Your aura has been completely off.” Joy rubbed her arm. Tessa sighed.
“I’ve been preoccupied with personal stuff.” Tessa sniffed. She was a complete and total crier, and anything even slightly emotional made her immediately turn on the waterworks. She could feel the tears gathering in her eyes, her throat closing up with emotion. Her voice shook. “I’m sorry.”
Chayo hugged her, and Joy did too. Tessa felt their warmth and goodness surround her; she was so lucky to have good friends and colleagues like Joy and Chayo.
“Don’t be sorry.” Chayo took a step back and pushed away a tear of her own from the corner of her eye. “Ay, chica, you’re going to make me cry. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Joy nodded. “Me, too. It’s not like you to be so snappish. Is there anything we can do to help?”
Tessa blushed. “I don’t think so. It’s…”
“It’s about a woman, isn’t it?” Chayo winked at Tessa, and Tessa couldn’t help smiling.
“Ohhhh,” said Joy. “Now I understand. It’s Roxy, isn’t it?”
Tessa hadn’t said anything to Joy before about being interested in Roxy, but Joy’s intuition coupled with Tessa’s inability to be subtle to save her life made her love life an open book, apparently. She nodded.
“We kissed on Tuesday night at my place. Nothing else! Promise.” Chayo gave her a disbelieving look. “We both want to take it slow. But I think I might have messed up.”
She filled in Chayo and Joy on her conversation with Roxy at the brewery.
“I think I might have offended her,” said Tessa at the end of the short recap.
Chayo sighed. “It’s possible. You don’t know her that well. It’s been what? 10 years since you last saw each other?”
“Nine.”
Chayo rolled her eyes. “Whatever. It’s a long time. People change. Look at yourself.”
“True.” Tessa nodded.
“How well did you know her in college?” said Joy.
“I guess…not that well?” Tessa felt more and more uncertain. She thought she knew Roxy. They’d lived together in the dorm for a year, after all. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized maybe she hadn’t known her that well back then either. “She always seemed so confident in college. Like she had the world at her feet. But maybe that’s how I saw her because my self-confidence was so low.” Roxy had dropped out of college after that year, and Tessa never would have guessed that except she’d told her.
“Maybe you need to get to know each other better before you start weighing in on each other’s careers?” said Chayo. She always cut to the chase.
“Ouch. Rude,” said Tessa. “But okay. Agree. That makes sense.”
“And don’t jump to conclusions,” said Joy. “Maybe she got spooked by the kiss. Sometimes strong emotions can be scary, especially if someone has been hurt in the past.”
Tessa nodded. It was all solid advice. She knew she was prone to overthinking things and acting impulsively sometimes. She could be overly emotional. She knew that. She took a deep breath and let it out.
“Thanks, pals.” She gave each of them a hug in turn. “That helped.”
“Now, go and do something healing,” said Joy. “Do something for yourself to get centered again.”
“And then go after your girl,” said Chayo. “Really get to know her—and let her get to know you.” Tessa felt certain that last remark was in reference to her short stint as an online stalker.
She nodded. “Okay. I can do that.”
Tessa decided to go home and take a bath to take her mind off Roxy and try to center herself. She added her favorite mix of relaxing herbs and spices to the bath: lavender, lemongrass, cinnamon, dried orange peel, and green tea. She’d found the recipe in one of her hedge witch grimoires, passed down to her from her mentor Freya. She kept the mixture of dried aromatics in a small silk sachet that infused the bathwater, and she’d had just one left for her time in Ptown. She would need to make some more soon. For now, though, she let herself relax in the bath, reciting the words of a calming incantation, letting her mind drift away.
After a long soak, there was still a tiny bit of daylight left, and Tessa decided to face the situation with Roxy head on. She dressed herself warmly and walked over to Roxy’s apartment. She hoped it wasn’t too bold of her. She’d gotten Roxy’s address off the tax paperwork she’d filled out so they could pay her out of the grant. Although most of the paperwork asked for a permanent address, she’d had Roxy list a local address as well, since the grant was supposed to be benefiting people on Cape Cod in particular.
“Don’t overthink it,” she said to herself as she arrived at the door of Roxy’s apartment and pressed the buzzer.
There was significant shuffling and muffled voices on the other side of the door, and for a moment, Tessa doubted whether she’d made the right decision. Maybe it was presumptuous of her to show up unannounced on a Sunday afternoon?
Finally the door opened and there stood Roxy. Tessa’s breath caught in her throat. Something about being in her presence immediately made Tessa hot all over.
“Hey! Didn’t expect to see you today,” said Roxy. Her voice betrayed confusion, but her expression was warm and welcoming. Tessa had no idea how to interpret that combination of reactions, but she decided to stick to her plan.
“I hope it’s okay that I stopped by. I was at home and just thought about how much I would love to go for a quick walk before sunset. Maybe you’d like to join me?”
The words hung in the air between them, and for a second, Tessa was sure Roxy would say no. It was impossible to read her expression.
“Sure, that sounds nice,” said Roxy after a moment. “Let me just let Mo know. Come on in.”
Tessa stepped inside and waited on the doormat while Roxy disappeared down the hallway into another room and behind a closed door. She could hear the sounds of water splashing and Mo’s distinctive low tones mixed with Roxy’s more moderate ones. After a moment, Roxy returned, grabbing her black and red buffalo plaid coat along the way and stepping into her winter boots.
“Sorry about that. Mo’s taking a long bath tonight, so I wanted to let her know I was going out,” said Roxy. She wrapped a warm scarf around her neck and pulled on a ski cap. “All right. I’m ready.”
She made no move to kiss Tessa, so Tessa said nothing on the topic even though her mind was full of their kiss from Tuesday night. Would they kiss again? Ever?
Soon they were outside again, and they decided to walk down Commercial Street towards the farthest end of the Cape. The wind was cold, but not so strong that they couldn’t talk. Tessa decided to start with some small talk to ease them into conversation, starting with an update on what was going on at the theater and asking Roxy some questions about Mo and how she was faring as Lisa’s assistant.
Once they had exhausted those topics, Tessa paused, hoping Roxy would fill in the silence. Instead, they walked without speaking until Tessa couldn’t stand the tension any longer.
“So, uh, is everything okay? Between us?” The question came out inelegantly, but at last, it was out there. “I haven’t heard from you since Wednesday, and I thought maybe you were mad at me. For what I said at the brewery.” She paused to take a breath before continuing. “I’m sorry—”
Roxy interrupted her. “I’m not mad. But I needed some time to think. About what you said. About us. About kissing you.” She smiled at Tessa, and Tessa could feel her heartbeat speed up. Perhaps all was not lost.
“Did you come to any conclusions?” Tessa’s natural impatience was getting the better of her.
“I did,” said Roxy. “I was thinking, maybe we need to get to know one another better. Before we go any further.” She was stilling smiling, but there was a more serious undertone to Roxy’s words.
“Absolutely,” said Tessa, nodding enthusiastically. “I agree. I really wish I could take back what I said at the brewery. I didn’t mean to make it sound like brewing beer or working in a restaurant is somehow worse than any other job.”
“Sure,” said Roxy. “But I’m kind of glad you did say it. Because I think it’s important we get some stuff out in the open.”
They had been walking briskly in the cold early evening air, and they now arrived at the Pilgrim’s First Landing Park. After crossing the parking lot, they were now at the edge of the beach, overlooking the harbor as well as the causeway. In the distance, they could see Long Point Light Station, backlit by the setting sun. Tessa felt like none of the beauty of the moment could reach her, though. Roxy’s words chilled her, even as she knew that she too had things to share. Heavy, awkward things.
“Okay,” said Tessa. “That sounds like a good idea. I have something I have to tell you, too.”
“Is it okay if I go first?” said Roxy. She was nervous, Tessa realized. “I don’t want to lose my train of thought.”
Tessa nodded.
“I mentioned last week, when we kissed, that I wanted to take things slow, and I meant it. Maybe you heard some stuff about me from Elizabeth, about how I played the field a lot, dated a lot, how I wasn’t serious. The truth is, I’ve always been looking for something serious, something special. And I can’t seem to find it. My last relationship, with Amy…I thought it was the real deal. We fell in love so fast, we had chemistry and everything.” Roxy’s voice shook, and Tessa’s heart ached for her. “And she ended it like it was nothing. She broke my heart.” Roxy paused again. “Or maybe I broke my own heart. Going too fast. Getting caught up in the moment. And I don’t want to do that again.”
“Okay, I understand,” said Tessa.
“I’m not sure you do,” said Roxy. “I feel like we come from two different worlds, Tessa. You’ve lived this exciting, fast-paced life, traveling to Europe, hanging out with celebrities, living in New York. I’m not from that world. I didn’t finish college. I probably never will. I don’t have a bright shiny future, and there’s nothing right now that says things are going to change. Maybe you see something in me that isn’t the real me, is what I’m saying.” Roxy paused and sighed. “I haven’t even read your play. I’m too scared to because…it’ll be too hard. I’m dyslexic and reading stuff like Shakespeare brings me right back to all my worst moments in school.”
It took all of Tessa’s self-control not to launch herself at Roxy and hug her tightly and whisper it would all be fine. This wasn’t the moment for easy platitudes. Part of her was disappointed that Roxy hadn’t read The Winter’s Tale yet, and she would have to examine more closely why that was. She forced herself to focus on everything else Roxy shared with her. She was too prone to speaking quickly, off the top of her head—it was her improv training no doubt. Now was the moment for deep reflection, and after a few minutes of silence, Tessa came to a realization.
“Thank you for sharing all that, Roxy,” she said. “I can’t change the past or how you think about yourself and your abilities. I’m realizing that we don’t know each other as well as we should. I remembered what you were like in college. You seemed successful, confident, cocky, even—” Tessa was delighted to hear Roxy chuckle at that description of herself. “Yes, cocky. And I had zero self-esteem back then. You were…impressive. And hot.”
“Wow,” said Roxy. “That is not at all how I thought of myself back then. But still, nice to hear.”
“Exactly. We weren’t the closest of roommates and…I sort of made up a version of you in my head. I had a crush on you.” Tessa swallowed, her mouth suddenly very dry. She looked Roxy in the eyes. “Still do.”
“That’s very flattering,” said Roxy. She smiled. “But the real me is a ball of nerves, feeling like I don’t belong in your theater world.”
“You belong wherever you want to be,” said Tessa. “And if you don’t feel up to reading The Winter’s Tale, that’s fine. We can watch a recording together. I can read you my favorite parts. I love this play and I’m an educator. Making Shakespeare accessible to everyone is kind of my jam. And I want to share it with you.” She paused, recalling Roxy’s other concerns. “As for living an international celebrity lifestyle, I want to point out that I left that behind on purpose. Not just because of Lisa. I left it behind me because it was toxic. I was burned out. I truly love being a teacher. And none of that makes me better than you.”
Roxy smiled sheepishly. “Thanks. That makes me feel better.”
“Good,” said Tessa. She took a long breath to steady herself. “I’m sorry for making assumptions about what you want to do with your future. Or what job is or isn’t good enough for you.”
