No Turning Back, page 22
Anna put her hands out to her daughter. Joni smiled and reached for her mother. Anna held her, breathing her in like she might be able to somehow bring her back inside of her, safe, out of harm’s way.
‘I want to Skype every night,’ Anna said, her tears wetting Joni’s hair. ‘The cabin has wireless, from what I remember?’
Guy nodded, face solemn.
‘And you can’t start getting all bolshie like you did yesterday, Guy. I’ll want to see her after a week, I know I will. It’ll kill me if not. We need to be in this together, no threats you’ll take her away for good and—’
Guy squeezed her arm. ‘I promise, Anna. Look, why don’t I stay for an hour or so? We can chat, get some lunch, you can say goodbye. Not feel rushed.’
‘Okay,’ she whispered, trying to stamp down the rising feeling of panic.
‘You need to do what you do best, Anna. You need to figure out what’s going on, just like your dad used to.’
‘I know,’ Anna said, nodding. She looked into Guy’s eyes. ‘You know me so well. We were good once, weren’t we?’
He smiled sadly. ‘We were, for a few years.’
‘What went wrong?’
He shrugged. ‘I think we just fell out of love. You didn’t want to accept that.’
‘Because I love you,’ Anna whispered.
‘Yes, but you’re not in love with me. But that was unacceptable for you, divorce is unacceptable, what will people say? It’s always been about perception, Anna. For once, bloody dig inside, stop caring what people think, get to the truth. I know you can do it. For Joni’s sake.’
‘I’ve tried, it’s no use. I’m not my father, I don’t have his skills.’
‘Don’t you? Even if you don’t, you have an incentive he didn’t.’
They both looked down at their daughter who flung her arms around both their necks and giggled.
A couple of hours later, Anna finally found it in herself to say goodbye to Joni. She stroked Joni’s soft cheek, remembering how paper thin the skin had seemed when she was first born. She loved kissing that chubby cheek now, stroking it, pressing her own cheek against it.
Joni reached up for her and Anna felt tears spring to her eyes.
She looked away, it was too painful.
‘It’s only a few days,’ Guy said.
‘I know,’ Anna said. She kissed her daughter’s forehead, her cheek, her bare shoulder. ‘Mummy loves you,’ she whispered in her ear.
Joni popped her thumb into her mouth, leaning her cheek against Anna’s chest. It took all of Anna’s will not to crumble onto the floor right then and there with her.
Guy stepped forward, his arms out. Anna kissed Joni’s head again, waited a moment, then handed her over to Guy, her whole body trembling.
‘You’ll be with her soon,’ Guy said, shrugging the bag Anna had packed for Joni over his shoulder.
‘Mama!’ Joni declared, putting her arms out to Anna.
‘Sorry, baby,’ she said through her tears. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘We’ll Skype tomorrow,’ Guy said. ‘Take care of yourself, Anna.’
Then he let himself out. The door slammed shut behind him, the walls shuddering, and Anna fell against the wall, everything inside her seeming to collapse as though every sinew, every fibre had left that house with Joni.
Chapter Nineteen
Anna blinked into the darkness, head throbbing. She sat up, limbs aching. There was a knocking on the bedroom door. It opened, the light slicing through the room making her wince.
‘Hello, sweetheart,’ her gran said, a tray of tea and toast in her hand. She placed it on the bedside table then swept the curtains open, revealing the shimmering sea outside. Anna had been staying with Florence the past few days on the advice of the police after she’d reported the comb to them.
‘I’m not hungry,’ Anna croaked, her hair lifted up by the fan in the corner.
‘Nonsense. You didn’t eat your dinner, you must be starving.’
‘I’m fine. I just need to sleep.’
‘Sleep!’ Florence said, laughing. ‘More sleep? That’s all you’ve done since Guy took Joni, sleeping or reading one of those depressing books.’
Anna moaned and sank back into bed, burying her head under the duvet. She didn’t want to think about not having Joni with her. She didn’t want to think about anything. She just wanted to be enveloped in nothingness.
Florence didn’t say anything. She heard the floorboards creak. Good, she’s going, Anna thought. Then she felt the bed sink. Her heart sank with it. Why couldn’t she just be left alone?
‘Don’t do this, Anna,’ she heard Florence say through the layers of duvet. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want a lecture. What was the point of doing anything? She’d tried and it just seemed to make things worse. Best thing she could do was keep her head down and count the days until she could see Joni again.
The duvet was pulled back. She tried to keep it over her.
‘It’s too hot to be under there. You’re behaving like your mother did when your father died,’ Florence said.
Anna paused.
‘Disappearing into her bed for days on end,’ Florence continued, leaning close to Anna. ‘Blocking the world out, not confronting anything.’
Maybe she was? And if so, so what? Wasn’t it inevitable, Anna turning into her mother? She ought to just let it happen. And in fact, it made sense. Yes, finally, after all these years of thinking her mother weak, she realised her mother was just being clever blocking everything out: Anna’s father’s death, the death of Peter Nunn, her childhood sweetheart. Just don’t think about it and it won’t hurt.
Anna yanked the duvet away from her gran. ‘I’m not hungry,’ she said again.
Florence sighed and stayed where she was a few moments then she left the room.
Anna looked up from her book that afternoon. She could hear raised voices from downstairs. She slowly got up and went to the door, pressing her ear against it.
‘I’m sorry,’ she heard Florence say, ‘but I just can’t let you in.’
Fear threaded through Anna. What if it was Detective Morgan, finally coming to charge her with murder?
‘Please, it’s important.’
The voice made her still. It was Jamie. She clutched her book to her chest, heart thumping.
‘Anna,’ he shouted up the stairs. ‘Anna, come down, I need to talk to you about something.’
‘Please leave,’ Anna heard Florence say. ‘Leave or I’ll call the police.’
Anna heard Jamie laugh. ‘That’s the last thing Anna needs right now, the fuzz bowling up. Anna,’ he shouted again. ‘Charlie found something.’
Anna held her breath.
‘That’s enough,’ Florence said. ‘I’m—’
‘Wait!’ Anna said, appearing from her room and looking downstairs. Jamie was standing on the doorstep, hands sunk into his pockets. He peered up at Anna and his face softened.
‘It’s okay,’ Anna said to Florence. ‘Let him up.’
She wasn’t sure why she was doing this, letting Jamie inside. If that article had been true, it might be another way to get close to her and get revenge. But her desire to get to the truth was taking over.
Florence hesitated. ‘I’m not happy about this, Anna.’
‘Please,’ Anna said.
Florence sighed then opened the door wider. Jamie strolled in, walking up the stairs as Florence watched him through narrowed eyes.
‘I know, I look terrible,’ Anna said as his eyes ran over her. She tried to cover her stained top with her long black cardigan.
‘You look like my mum did after Elliot died,’ he said.
Anna felt tears start to come. She clenched her jaw. ‘You mentioned Charlie?’
Jamie looked down at Florence who was still watching them. He steered Anna into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. ‘She said some druggie told her brother he stole Elliot’s bag.’
Anna frowned. ‘So?’
‘So he stole it when Elliot was running away from The Docks the day he died. Elliot dropped it and the kid grabbed it. There’s stuff in it.’
‘He didn’t sell it?’
‘Too scared it’d be traced back to him by my dad. So he’s just kept it all this time. He was off his head when he told Charlie’s little brother.’
Anna’s shoulders slumped. ‘It’s nothing.’
‘It’s more than nothing, Anna! We have to assume whoever killed Ben Miller tried to kill Elliot too, right? That they’re the ones who took Joni too the other day. Whether it’s the Ophelia Killer or some copycat. There might be clues in that bag.’
Anna turned away. ‘Then call the police.’
He grabbed her elbow, making her spin back around. ‘Jesus Christ, Anna, snap out of it. If we can figure out who the Ophelia Killer is—’
She started sobbing and Jamie’s face softened. He pulled her into his arms. ‘Oh Anna.’
She pushed him away. ‘Get off. I don’t trust you.’
‘’Cos of that fucking article? My aunt said all that to keep us apart, Anna. Yeah, sure, I might have hated you at the start but not now, nowhere near it.’
‘I don’t know,’ Anna said. ‘I don’t know anything any more.’
‘Yeah you do. You know you have two choices: fight or give up. Stop lying in this room feeling sorry for yourself like your mum does. Don’t give up like your dad did.’
‘But that’s what my family does. We just give up.’
‘Na, not you,’ Jamie said, shaking his head. ‘You’re Anna Graves, you killed for your child. You fight, like I’m fighting to find out why my brother did what he did.’ He stepped away and opened the door again. ‘So now you have a choice, don’t you? Stay here and do nothing. Or do what you did that day and fight for your daughter, for yourself. Come to The Docks with me, figure this out like you know your dad would’ve. Don’t you want to prove your innocence, make sure Joni stays with you?’
She thought of Elliot’s knife arching in the air towards her and Joni again; that fierce desire to protect her daughter. She felt it well up inside her, energising every part of her and she saw that fierceness in Jamie’s eyes.
He was right. She had to fight.
Anna walked through the estate. The heat was oppressive, cloying around her, making it hard to breathe. Jamie had lent Anna one of his tops, the hood drawn over her head covered most of her face, making her feel even more claustrophobic in the unbearable heat. She could smell Jamie on it, the oil and his aftershave. She glanced over at him. Could she really trust him? But what did she have against him, some story in the local paper? That proved nothing. And she needed him if she wanted to get to the bottom of what happened with Elliot, with Ben Miller.
She needed him if she wanted to prove her innocence.
‘The kid lives in the same block of flats I live in,’ Jamie said, pointing towards the huge tower block in the middle of the estate. It loomed above them, elbowing for position against the shipyard cranes behind it. She’d heard about this place, once pitched as ‘affordable housing with stunning sea views’.
Not so stunning now.
Jamie laughed. ‘Yeah, it’s not exactly Buckingham Palace. Come on.’
She hesitated. ‘You’ve not been so keen about me coming to The Docks in the past. Why now?’
He examined her face then shrugged. ‘I plan to kidnap you.’ Anna stepped away from him and he laughed. ‘Jesus, Anna, when will you figure out we’re on the same side? I know you haven’t been at work, I tried calling you there. Plus I overheard Ben Miller’s dad saying your ex had taken Joni away. I figured you were hibernating and needed a kick up the jacksie.’
‘Jacksie?’
He shook his head, smiling. ‘You posh birds. It means arse.’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘Nice.’
The smile disappeared from Jamie’s face. ‘Must’ve been hard seeing your ex take Joni away.’
‘It won’t be for long. We both decided it’s for the best.’
‘Still tough though?’
He looked into her eyes and she turned away. ‘Look, Anna, it’ll—’
‘Don’t tell me it’ll work itself out. My gran keeps telling me that but it really might not.’
‘I wasn’t going to say that. I was gonna say next time you see Joni, even if things don’t work out, make it happy, yeah? Go away thinking about the next time you’ll see her, then the next time after that. ’Cos at least you know you will, even if it’s for a bit.’
Anna looked into Jamie’s eyes. ‘You’re right.’
‘See, that’s the thing with you. Grit. That’s why I wanted you to come today too. I figured you can handle yourself, you managed to protect your daughter pretty good, didn’t you? And you’re the one with the brains,’ he said, tapping his head. ‘Brains and investigative skills. I need you if I want to figure out what happened to my brother before he died.’
A local newspaper tumbled down the road, both their faces staring out from it.
‘I can’t believe all the press about us,’ she said. ‘How’s it been for you?’
‘Why do you think I’m wearing this?’ he said, gesturing to his cap and sunglasses. ‘I’m a bit of an outcast.’
‘I’m sorry.’
He shrugged. ‘Not your fault everyone thinks we’re shagging.’
Anna felt her face flush. ‘Awful how the papers can twist things.’
Jamie didn’t say anything but she could feel his eyes on her.
They entered the innards of the tower, stepping into a dirty, concrete entranceway about the size of a hotel foyer. People were hidden in the shadows – some leaned against the tower’s graffitied walls, smoking; others slowly walked from group to group, discreetly exchanging items. Anna could see needles were being passed around in gloomy corners, glimmering like silver threads in the dark. As Jamie passed, their eyes widened and they moved further into the shadows. She thought of what the detective had said about Jamie, then she thought of what Guy had said.
Perception.
Anna would give it another word. Survival. She kept up appearances so she could survive and thrive in her community; feel part of something so she didn’t feel alone and abandoned as she had when her father died. For Jamie, it was about surviving in his estate, keeping people at arm’s length, being safe. She saw that now.
She followed him up two flights of narrow steps until they entered a brightly lit corridor.
‘It’s the end one,’ he said, pointing towards a scuffed door at the end.
‘What’s he like? Will he get violent?’
Jamie laughed. ‘Not with me, he won’t.’ He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small penknife.
Anna stepped back in shock. ‘I can’t be connected to anything like this. Detective Morgan is already on my case as it is.’
‘Nothing’ll happen. It’s just a precaution.’
Like my comb was? Anna wanted to say.
They walked down to the end of the corridor and Jamie knocked on the door. ‘Special delivery,’ he shouted, making his voice a pitch higher. ‘It’s what the local dealer says when he’s delivering,’ he explained to Anna, lowering his voice.
The door opened and a boy with red hair peered out, face shiny with sweat. He looked so young, just seventeen or eighteen. When he saw Jamie, his eyes widened in fear. ‘Shit.’
He went to shut the door but Jamie grabbed him, slamming him against the wall. ‘Don’t even try it.’
Anna stood back, watching. The kid looked terrified.
‘I know you nicked my brother’s bag,’ Jamie said, right in the kid’s face.
‘I did nothing with it, I swear! When I found out he was your brother, I knew I was in trouble.’
Jamie glared at the boy and the boy visibly trembled. Then Jamie loosened his grip, smiling. ‘Luckily for you, I don’t shed blood in front of ladies. So where’s the bag?’
‘I haven’t got it no more,’ the kid said, eyes shifting to the right of him. Anna followed his gaze towards a cube coffee table in the middle of the living room.
‘Mind if I come in?’ she said. He looked at her, frowning. Then recognition flooded his face. She walked past him into the living room, twitching her nose at the stench of gone-off food and old cigarettes mingling with the boy’s sweat. It was even hotter in the flat than it was outside. Anna shrugged Jamie’s top off.
Jamie pulled the kid in and shut the front door, watching as Anna knelt by the coffee table. It was a small wooden table with grids, a filthy throw slung over some of it. She swept the rubbish off its lid then opened it, peering inside.
There was something under there.
She reached in, her fingers latching onto a rough drawstring. She pulled it out to reveal a blue bag with an alien on the front.
‘My brother’s,’ Jamie said, voice full of emotion. He looked at the kid. ‘Tell me what happened.’
The kid’s eyes darted away.
Jamie shook him. ‘I don’t give a shit about you nicking it off my brother. I just need to know what happened to him before he died. You tell me everything you saw, then I take this bag away and it’s over, all right? You don’t need to spend your pathetic life shitting yourself about what I’ll do to you.’
Anna stood up, the bag in her hands. ‘Jamie’s right,’ she said softly. ‘We just need to find the truth about Elliot. What did you see before you took the bag?’
‘Answer the lady’s questions,’ Jamie said.
The kid licked his lips nervously. ‘I saw Elliot running from just out there,’ he said, jutting his chin towards a street outside. ‘He looked out of it. Stumbling all over. Scared too. Fucking scared, kept looking behind him.’
Jamie took in a deep breath.
‘He dropped the bag,’ the kid continued, wiping his nose. ‘He tried to pick it up but was all confused. And, well, that’s when I took it.’ He shrugged. ‘Man gotta eat.’
‘Get stoned more like,’ Jamie said, looking at him in disgust.
‘Did you see anyone else?’ Anna asked him.
