No Turning Back, page 11
She thought back to their encounter earlier. He’d stepped in twice to help her now and yet she’d killed his brother. But as he’d said, getting to the bottom of the truth took priority now. This strange camaraderie they’d built up might be the key to doing just that.
When she was finally ready, she drove to her mother’s bungalow to pick her up.
‘Didn’t you wear that dress to Betty’s funeral?’ Beatrice asked as she slipped into the passenger seat, eyeing Anna’s dress.
Anna looked down at herself. She’d forgotten she’d worn it to their old neighbour’s funeral.
‘Well, it’s too late to change now,’ Beatrice said, wrapping her arms around herself as she looked outside. ‘We’re already late, thanks to you.’
Anna suppressed her irritation.
‘You look nice anyway, Mum,’ she said instead, taking in her mother’s black trousers and green silk blouse. She’d even put in a bejewelled hair clip. But her trousers were crumpled and her eyeliner was already smudged.
Beatrice didn’t say anything, just stared out of the window. She was no doubt anxious about being at a party full of people. Anna was surprised she was even going, she thought she’d pull out at the last minute. But then this was Beatrice’s mother’s seventieth birthday.
‘Dad’s old friend Ian will be there,’ Anna said, trying to make her feel better. ‘He’s been helping out with the community centre so Gran invited him.’
Beatrice’s jaw tightened just as it did each time her husband was mentioned.
‘I bet the food will be good, you know what Gran’s like,’ Anna continued. ‘She’ll have spent all week making stuff.’
‘Hmmm.’
‘What did you get her?’ Anna asked, gesturing to the present her mother clutched to her chest, a flat square object.
‘I drew something for her, just a small sketch.’
Anna smiled. ‘You’re drawing again?’
She shrugged. ‘A little.’
Anna smiled to herself. She loved of the idea of her mother drawing again. ‘How thoughtful. What’s it of?’
‘Flowers from our old garden. I found a photo of our old house.’
‘I think that’s lovely, so personal.’
‘What did you get?’
‘Tickets to a show in London and a little locket with a photo of me and Joni.’
Beatrice looked at her sideways. ‘Sounds expensive.’
‘She deserves it.’
‘Yes, only the best for your gran,’ she said bitterly.
Anna frowned. ‘That’s not fair, Mum, you know how much she’s helped me.’
‘Yes, she’s like a mother to you really, isn’t she?’
‘You’re my mother.’
‘Hmmm.’
‘Why do you hate her so much?’
Beatrice flinched. ‘I don’t hate her.’
‘You seem to.’
‘She’s too much.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Sticks her nose in everything.’
‘She cares.’
Beatrice shook her head. ‘Overbearing.’
‘Better overbearing than not caring at all,’ Anna snapped back before she knew what she was saying.
Beatrice stared back out of the window, face closed. Anna sighed. What was the point?
They spent the rest of the journey in silence until they got to Florence’s house. Beautiful exotic flowers adorned the doorframe, fairy lights delicately interlinked with them. Music and laughter tinkled out from an open window. In the background, the sea ebbed and flowed. After the downpour earlier, it had grown sunny again, the evening air very warm.
When they got out of the car, Anna’s mother peered up at the house, face fearful. Anna put her hand gently on her plump back. ‘We’ll find you a seat in the corner somewhere, get you a glass of wine, it’ll be nice. I saw Leo and Trudy’s car, they’re already here.’
Beatrice nodded, eyes wide, present clutched close to her.
Anna took a deep breath. She knew how her mother felt. This was the first gathering she’d been to since what had happened. She knew everyone would be polite, charming, do what the British do best: pretend like nothing was wrong. But really they’d be watching her like a hawk, the sordid headlines percolating in their minds.
Game face, Anna.
She planted a smile on her face then pressed the buzzer. There was the sound of footsteps then the door swung open.
‘Oh perfect, you’re here!’ Florence said, grabbing her into a hug. She was wearing a stunning silk dress over her plump body, swirling with bright colours, her lips painted pink.
‘Happy birthday! You look so pretty, Gran,’ Anna said. She peered behind her to see the garden outside and the beach beyond was crammed with people. Florence was popular because of the charity work she did in the town. So much for a small gathering. ‘Wow, there’s a lot of people here.’
‘Yes, I think I got a bit too enthusiastic with the invites!’ She frowned as she looked at Anna. ‘How are you, poppet?’
She made herself smile, but she could tell Florence saw through the smile. ‘I’m fine.’
‘And you, Beatrice?’ Florence asked her daughter.
‘Okay,’ Beatrice replied.
‘Good. Well, thankfully the rain disappeared so most of us are outside.’ She led them out into the large garden. Fairy lights were hanging from the trees, and flames flickered in colourful lanterns dotted all over. A large table was set up on the veranda with enough food to feed triple the number of guests Florence had invited. People sat in garden chairs, or on colourful scatter cushions on the lawn, some out on the beach. Anna knew most of the people there, including Maxine, Suzanne and some other friends who were gathered by one of the trees lining the garden. She waved at them and they waved back, faint smiles on their lips. ‘It looks beautiful,’ Anna said to her gran.
‘Thank you, darling.’ Florence turned to her daughter. ‘You have a reserved seat, Beatrice, that big comfy chair you like on the veranda. Leo and Trudy are here, they’ll be sitting right next to you. You go chat to the girls,’ Florence said to Anna, handing her a glass of wine. ‘I’ll take your mother to Leo and Trudy. You need a night off from everything. And don’t worry a jot what people think,’ she added in a low voice, ‘they all have their fair share of skeletons in the closet. At least yours are out.’
Anna tried to smile. Didn’t her gran realise this wasn’t a night off, that she’d never get a night off now from the non-stop feeling of guilt and terror?
Anna took a gulp of wine and walked towards her friends. They went quiet as she approached. ‘My gran’s done a great job, hasn’t she?’ Anna said, peering around her.
One of her friends, a tall blonde called Chloe, narrowed her eyes at Anna. Anna frowned. She couldn’t blame her. Her first husband had cheated on her, leaving her alone with her young girls while he went off with his mistress. Anna wanted to tell her what she had done was different. But was it so different?
‘I’ve been meaning to get in touch with you all,’ Anna said. ‘I wanted to invite you over for dinner, maybe next week? It’d be good to catch up.’ She looked at each of them meaningfully, hoping they understood she wanted to talk about what had happened with Guy.
‘Catch up?’ Chloe said. ‘That’s an interesting way of putting it.’
Anna went quiet, felt her face flushing.
‘That’ll be lovely,’ Suzanne said quickly, touching Anna’s arm lightly. ‘I’ve been meaning to call you, Anna, but you know how it is with the kids…’ She let her voice trail off, biting her lip.
‘So how’s Tuesday?’ Anna said. ‘Say, seven?’
‘I’m busy,’ Chloe said, folding her arms.
‘Okay,’ Anna said, not even bothering to suggest another night. It was clear Chloe wanted nothing to do with her now. ‘What about the rest of you?’
‘Sorry, Anna,’ another friend said, nervously playing with the stem of her wine glass. ‘We’re all off to Italy the week after next and it’s manic. Maybe when we get back?’
‘Sure, totally understand,’ Anna said, trying to battle away tears.
‘Work’s manic,’ another friend said, standing close to Chloe. ‘Probably best I give it a miss.’
‘Maxine?’ Anna asked her friend.
Maxine looked at each of their friends then smiled. ‘Sure, I’ll be there.’
‘Me too!’ Suzanne said, laughing nervously.
Anna let out a sigh of relief. At least she could rely on Maxine and Suzanne. She’d invite some of the other village girls too. She needed to start telling her side of the story. Sure, it didn’t make her blameless but at least she could show them there was more to it than the papers were letting on.
‘We’ll see you Saturday at the party of course?’ Suzanne asked.
Anna frowned. ‘What party?’
‘Little Timmy, Paula’s son. He’s in Joni’s class at nursery, right? They’re having a party at the outdoor swimming pool.’
Disappointment and guilt surged through Anna. So now her daughter was missing out on seeing her little friends because of what Anna had done. It was bad enough when it affected just Anna, but Joni too?
‘Hello, Anna!’ a voice exclaimed. She looked up to see Ian Roddis, her father’s old producer and best friend smiling down at her. She’d always liked him. She smiled, and gave him a hug.
Over the next couple of hours, Anna tried to pretend everything was normal as she mingled with the other guests. But she could see it in their eyes and on the tip of their tongues: You killed a boy. You slept with Nathan Wheeler.
Eventually, Anna found herself in the corner of the veranda with Beatrice, Leo and his wife, Trudy. It seemed like that part of the garden was shrouded by some invisible force field that stopped all the fun and colour of the rest of the place from entering. The three of them sat quietly and rigidly, Beatrice and Trudy sipping from the same glasses of wine they’d started the night with. Leo was dressed in an ill-fitting suit, his dark hair slicked back, his cheeks pink from the heat and the wine he’d drunk. Trudy was wearing a grey cotton dress and black pumps, her thick dark hair pulled back severely in a neat bun. Anna’s heart went out to her. She looked so unhappy.
‘Trudy,’ Anna said, leaning down to kiss her sister-in-law’s pinched cheek, feeling slightly nervous. They hadn’t seen one another since what had happened. They’d never exactly bonded anyway and this just made things even more uncomfortable. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine, thank you,’ Trudy replied tightly, avoiding Anna’s gaze as she stared ahead of her.
So that was the way it was going to be.
‘Leo,’ Anna said, nodding at her brother.
‘Hello, Anna,’ he replied in clipped tones. ‘I see you’ve been enjoying yourself,’ he added, flinging his hands towards the party guests she’d just been talking to.
‘It’s nice to catch up with people,’ she said, ignoring the bitter tone to his voice. ‘Did you see Ian’s here?’
Leo peered towards their father’s old best friend. ‘I did.’
‘You should say hello, I’m sure he’d love to see you.’
‘Maybe later.’ He looked Anna up and down, frowning. ‘Didn’t you wear that dress to Betty’s funeral?’
Trudy raised an eyebrow as Anna’s mother peered over.
Anna sighed. ‘Yes, I forgot.’
‘Bit inappropriate, isn’t it?’ Leo said.
Anna took a deep breath. ‘It was too late to change, Leo. No one else cares here anyway, it was just us who went to Betty’s funeral.’
He laughed bitterly. ‘Yes, because that’s all that matters, isn’t it? What all these people think.’
Anna peered at his half-empty glass of wine. He got worse when he drank. ‘Leo, please don’t. Not here.’
‘No, of course, silly me,’ he said, flicking an invisible fleck from the collar of his jacket. ‘We mustn’t embarrass you in front of your important friends.’
Anna peered towards her mother who was staring straight ahead now, jaw twitching slightly.
‘It’s our gran’s birthday,’ Anna said, forcing a smile onto her face and taking a sip of wine. ‘Let’s just focus on that.’
‘Smoke and mirrors,’ Leo said in a loud voice, shaking his said. ‘You are such a master of hiding the obvious. Let me guess, not one person has mentioned Elliot Nunn to you. Or Nathan Wheeler,’ he added, looking her up and down in disgust.
Anna took a deep breath to calm herself.
‘Wouldn’t surprise me if Gran put a notice in the local newsletter,’ Leo continued, ‘enforcing a “don’t mention the unmentionable at my party” rule so her precious granddaughter can spend the night pretending she’s the angel everyone used to think she was.’
‘Stop it, Leo,’ Anna hissed. ‘Just stop it.’
‘Why? Somebody needs to pull you up. You haven’t just ruined a marriage, Anna. You’ve taken a child’s life too, all in the space of a month! There’s something not right with you, Anna.’
Trudy nodded in agreement. Anna looked at her mother, pleading with her eyes for her to defend her. But Beatrice’s face remained expressionless.
A darkness inside.
Maybe they were all right? Maybe there was no excuse for killing Elliot Nunn? Now everyone knew Anna wasn’t the Mrs Perfect they all took her to be, they saw what had happened to Elliot Nunn under the harsh gaze of reality: she’d killed a schoolboy. She didn’t have to do it.
People turned and looked over. She ought to fight back, she usually would. But she was starting to think she deserved this.
‘The problem with you, Anna,’ her brother said, ‘is that people have told you so many times how right and good and perfect you are, you truly believe it, even when the evidence is right there that you’re not.’
‘I do not think I’m perfect,’ Anna said, voice rising, ‘very far from it actually. I hate myself for what I’ve done, can’t you see? So throw every stone you have at me, Leo. They won’t hurt any more than the stones I throw at myself.’ Anna leaned close to her brother. ‘But for Gran’s sake, please can we save the rest of your stone-throwing for another night?’
Brother and sister looked into each other’s eyes. Then Leo turned away, folding his arms. ‘Fine. But as long as you know you’re as fake and as deluded as our father was.’
Beatrice clutched her bag so tight at the mention of her husband, her knuckles went white.
‘Leave Dad out of this,’ Anna said.
‘Oh come on, we all know where your obsession with image comes from. He was shallow. That’s why he jumped, he—’
‘How dare you!’ Anna screamed. The garden went silent but Anna barely noticed, anger mounting and mounting inside. ‘How dare you say that about our father, your father, the man who held you when you cried and cuddled you when you needed affection? He was always there for us!’
Trudy looked alarmed. Beatrice simply shrunk further back into herself, closing her eyes.
‘Was he always there for us?’ Leo spat back. ‘Are you really that deluded to overlook all those days and weeks he was away, all that time he was on his Dictaphone or computer? Or are you so alike, you barely notice? Poor Joni.’
‘Leave Joni out of this!’
Anna looked at her mother beseechingly. Why couldn’t she defend Anna, comfort her, like any normal mother would?
‘What’s going on?’ They all looked up to see Florence glaring at Leo.
‘Just telling Anna a few home truths, that’s all,’ Leo said, avoiding his gran’s gaze as he drank more wine.
Florence put her hand on her granddaughter’s shoulder, eyes exploring her face. Then she turned to her grandson. ‘You’re still that spiteful little boy who threw away Anna’s tape recordings before her English assignment, aren’t you, Leo? Just get out, right now.’
‘Fine then,’ Leo said, jumping up and grabbing his wife’s hand. ‘Come on, Trudy, we’re clearly not welcome here.’
As he marched out, Anna felt everyone’s eyes on her. She closed her eyes, head buzzing.
Florence took Anna’s face in her hands, making her look at her. ‘Don’t let Leo get to you, poppet, he’s just a jealous, bitter man.’
‘But he’s right,’ Anna whispered.
Florence shook her head fiercely. ‘Leo is shallow, you mustn’t let him get to you. You see the layers, Anna, you see them and that’s what makes you so very special,’ she said with a strange intensity. She peered at her daughter then back at Anna again. ‘Remember my friend from bridge, Gloria?’ Anna nodded. ‘She has a gorgeous house in Exmoor. We could just disappear there for a few days. Joni would love it, they have ponies practically in the front garden.’
‘But I have to work.’
‘Tomorrow you do, but then you have another five days until you have to go back. We can do Saturday to Wednesday. Imagine it: fresh air, long walks, books and scones. I think it’ll do you good.’
Anna looked at her mother who was staring down at her knees now, brow creased. Then Anna looked at the party guests, who were trying to return to normal but couldn’t help glancing at her every now and again, scandal in their eyes. She saw her friends huddled by the trees, heads bent as they whispered.
She nodded her head. Florence was right. She needed to get away before she lost her mind like her mother. ‘Okay.’
After the party, Anna drove home in silence, Beatrice mute beside her. Streetlights swept past the windows, casting their glow over the pebbles and making them look like they were on fire. After a while, Anna couldn’t keep quiet any longer.
‘Why didn’t you say anything to Leo?’ she asked her mother. ‘Even if you agreed with him, why couldn’t you tell him to shut up, to leave me alone? Isn’t that what mothers do, protect their children? You could see he was hurting me.’
Beatrice just continued staring ahead, her lips pursed.
