Sanctity, page 5
“What does it mean to be a they?” I mumbled and stared at them.
“Drink that and I might answer your question.” Zoagashta stood in front of me and watched as I drank the water. “If you were sober, this would be considered impolite conversation. Anyway, our social construct allows for a variety of genders and expressions. The colour of our people helps with terminology, though it ends up being whatever that person’s favourite colour is.”
“The Picxies, they tell you right away. I don’t make mistakes with them.” The water was refreshing, and I rubbed the cool glass against my forehead.
“I don’t think you like making mistakes in general.”
I studied Zoagashta with tired eyes. They looked so calm and patient, despite my lack of social graces.
They filled another glass of water from the dispenser and passed it to me. “Drink that one, but slowly.”
“Mistakes can get you into so much trouble. And I can’t get in trouble. Have to be on top of m’game.” I blew out air noisily and stared out the large window, where a giant flare arced across. “Can’t let anyone down.” I kept my eyes on the window and pretended I hadn’t said anything.
Zoagashta sighed deeply. “You know, you could have stopped Thomas from pouring you more drinks.” They sat on the table in front of me, making it creak, and held my knee comfortingly.
I bit back the threatening tears. I was so tired and so lonely. Especially now. “Did you know ship’s hearts can connect with beings not their bonded?”
“I… did not know that. That seems like very pertinent information.” The table squeaked under their weight as they shifted.
“Padua was desperate for guidance, and I knew what to do. I had to help her. I couldn’t leave her alone.” My mouth was working against me and spitting out words that weren’t meant for Zoagashta to hear. “Her bonded was on another ship, and she couldn’t feel him anymore. I had to step up, in, whatever. It wasn’t wrong, was it? She needed me.”
“You did the right thing. Ship’s hearts are incredibly fragile, and from what I’ve heard about Padua, she is impossibly young as well. She needs someone to guide her. You did exactly right.”
“But he came back, and she… and she took him back. And Sartris. It was awful. I feel awful. I mean, I knew it was temporary. Coll was out on a spaced junker, and Sartris had to get him back. But I liked being with Padua. I mean, I didn’t understand her ’cause she doesn’t talk and I’m not psychic. But she just stopped hanging out with me. Everyone got so busy, but not me. I was… I was cast aside. Coll knows how engines and Padua can work together. But I liked being in the star chamber. It was my space… and now it’s not.” My rambling ended, and I sat there like a lump, upset and confused all over again. What was I supposed to do now?
Zoagashta set the glass beside themself and leaned forward, wrapping me in their impossibly long arms and pressing my head against their shoulder. I kept my hands down by my lap as my instinct was to push them away. They were giving me comfort, and I wasn’t sure how to reciprocate or accept it.
“Oh, Trest, you are a true hero. You kept your head. You gave comfort to another wounded soul. No one is upset with you.”
I untangled myself from Zoagashta’s arms, frustrated by their lack of insight. They didn’t understand. No one understood. I bared my soul and they patted my head. I didn’t comfort Padua for the accolades. I connected with her. I had felt something with her. I saw vague images in my head when I spoke with her. Colours from her emotions stained my own. And then she fucking dropped me the minute Collins was back, and now I had a hole in my heart and nothing could fix it.
“You don’t understand, Zoagashta. It is so much more than that. We had something. I could feel the tendrils of it, and now it’s gone. Do you honestly think I’d be this fucking messed up if it was so easily fixed with gentle words and a hug?”
“I apologize. I didn’t mean to step on your feelings.” Zoagashta slid farther back on the table and laced their fingers together before ducking their head to meet my eyes. “You are allowed to feel this pain. It’s normal and expected. We will work through this together, and you will find your way again.”
“I don’t want to anymore.” I closed my eyes and tried to even out my breathing. Everything I’d kept bottled up was out, and my stomach was achy from alcohol and feelings. “Maybe you should go. I need to sleep. Tainaywa said I needed to sleep. So you go, and I’ll sleep.”
“I can stay and talk. It’s absolutely no problem, and you seem like you need someone to listen.” Zoagashta smiled pityingly, and it made my nose wrinkle. I didn’t want them to stay for a pity talk or to give me comfort in my time of need. I didn’t want that or need it. “And there goes the curtain.”
“What does that mean?” I sat straight up and glared at them. I hated the knowing looks and their ability to read me. I hated that I was so open with them and I could never do that with my oldest friends.
“It means you should get one more glass of water and then a lot of sleep.” Zoagashta reached over and clasped my hand. “I want to help you. You need someone in your corner, and I want to be that person.”
I rolled my eyes and wiggled my hand loose from theirs. I was done now. Done with the conversation and the whole night. Everyone was right when they said I should sleep. I was beginning to long for its oblivion. “You should leave now.”
“If you need me, get Thomas to contact me, okay? He’ll know the fastest way to do it. I’ll be here as soon as I can.” And then they were gone.
My suite was colder and less bright once I was alone. Zoagashta took the star with them, and I was alone in the darkness. Again. Always. Sighing, I looked out the window and watched the planet drift along into the black void of space.
INTERLUDE
Zoagashta sighed and pressed their fingers to their eyes. They didn’t want to leave Commander Trest alone. They worried about his state of mind, and there was a teeny twist of emotion Zoagashta felt toward him. Trest radiated a standoffish, prickly side, but the deeply hidden loneliness and ache for companionship touched something in Zoagashta.
Shaking off their worry, Zoagashta left the guest suites before they decided to do something irresponsible, like staying in the room while Trest slept. They barely knew the man, and they felt something for him. Huffing loudly, Zoagashta steeled their nerves and kept moving forward. They didn’t have time for an obviously wounded character who was acting like an animal with a sore paw. Thomas would have pertinent information for them.
Zoagashta arrived at the concierge’s desk and leaned on the glossy surface, marking up the shine. They knew it would irritate Thomas, and it gave them a tiny bit of pleasure. StarGods knew they needed a bit of it after the emotional chaos they’d encountered with Trest.
“Commander Zoagashta, what have I said about leaning on my desk? You are an officer. How can I help you?” Thomas nudged Zoagashta’s arm off the countertop and immediately wiped away any marks Zoagashta might have left there.
“So, tell me about Commander Trest.” Zoagashta smiled winningly and was very close to batting their eyes.
“You know we aren’t supposed to give out information about any guests at the retreat. It was a rule you, yourself, put in place. We respect our guests’ privacy.”
Zoagashta scowled. That wasn’t the answer they wanted. They nodded at the mum Thomas and stomped off. It looked like if Zoagashta wanted to learn more about Trest, they would have to court the curious and mysterious man, which wouldn’t be a hardship, not at all.
CHAPTER 7
“So, you’re telling me that you got wasted last night and hit on someone?” Gratch’s voice held a hint of disbelief as I sat sprawled on a chair in the suite he shared with Wild. “Well, I’m shocked at the drinking because it’s different, and congrats on the flirting. It’s progress.”
I groaned and closed my eyes as flashes of memories danced in my head. Zoagashta had been in my room, and they touched my leg. If that wasn’t flirting, what was it? “The opening reception had wine with every course, and I didn’t want to seem like a complete tool and turn it down.”
Gratch arched an eyebrow and waited me out, but I knew this game, and I wasn’t going to play it. He wanted me to continue talking while giving him all the details from the previous night.
Finally he asked, “So tell me about this person you flirted with.”
I floundered as I tried to think how to best describe Zoagashta. “They seemed very nice and pretty touchy-feely. I mean, they used their hands to guide me places, and they seemed interested in me.”
“Is the person Asyran?” Wild came into the room, straightening his uniform jacket. He sat down at the table, where a mug of something steaming waited. “You know Asyrans are empaths, right?”
“Yes, I know this, Dr Wild. I’m not completely out of contact with reality,” I snapped, insulted. This was a terrible idea. I should never have visited them while hungover and wholly confused. I hadn’t slept well during the night. I had lain wide awake, alternating between being nauseated and anxious. My alcohol-infused brain kept conjuring up terrible scenarios in which Zoagashta would find out the truth and condemn me to some sort of Asyran prison.
“So they could have been reacting to your emotions and trying to offer comfort in a way that suits them,” Wild suggested matter-of-factly.
His calm demeanor and explanation had me stopping to think about the night before. Zoagashta could have been helping me. They were part of the care-and-concern team on the station.
“That is possible. I mean, I wasn’t my best possible self.” I nodded. I widened my eyes and shook my head to clear the fog. “I don’t understand why anyone would want to drink to excess. It really fucks around with your state of mind.”
“You socialized by yourself, then. I’m so proud.” Gratch clapped his hands softly. “We went rock climbing and then had drinks with the younger crew.”
“What do you mean?” The spotlight was off me finally. I could take a breath and leave the weird emotions from last night behind. “Rock climbing? How?”
“This place is fucking amazing, man,” Wild said. “They have rock climbing and bouldering facilities, and of course this lout had to challenge the lieutenants to a race, which he lost.”
“And yet I won the drinking challenge. None of them could hold their beers. It’s a disgrace,” Gratch snapped, crossing his arms. His scowl was prominent, and he looked like a child who’d had his treat taken away. On a man as big as Gratch, it was amusing.
“Oh jeez, man, don’t borrow trouble. This leave is supposed to be relaxing.” Wild recoiled at Gratch’s look.
I had to agree with Wild on this point. I wanted this to be an easy, peaceful vacation where I had to talk about my feelings at least once a day. I just wanted to put the past few weeks behind me and move forward with my life.
An alarm chimed on my wrist, and I twitched at the suddenness. “I gotta go. Day Thomas has arranged some sort of tour, and I’m curious to see where on the station it will lead.” I smiled at my friends. Talking to them had lightened my burden a little bit. “Thank you for listening. It really did help.”
“Jax, you know our door is always open, right? Don’t hesitate to drop by if you need anything. You’re one of our best friends, and I hate that you find it difficult to talk about what you’re going through,” Gratch said. “I hope you’ll tell us more at some point, when you’re ready, of course.”
“I know.” I nodded rapidly. I knew one day I’d gain the courage to talk more to them about what happened, but it was still an ache I couldn’t share yet. “But I gotta go. The tour does sound like it would be a lot of fun. I’m so sad you’re stuck on the crew levels.”
“Fuck you, man. That was low.” Gratch threatened to throw a pillow at me, and I danced out of the room, waving goodbye.
Once in the grey hallway, some of the tension returned. I wanted to stay with Gratch and Wild, like we used to do when we joined the academy and had our first assignments. I wanted everything to be as it was before Padua. I scrubbed a hand down my face and made my way back to the retreat, where Thomas would be waiting.
The mezzanine level of the retreat had a brunch buffet set up. People were quietly talking together at twosome tables overlooking the power conduit. A familiar person was seated at one with an empty seat across from them.
Bolstering my courage, I approached Zoagashta and smiled tentatively at them. “Hi, good morning, er, afternoon. Would you, ah, mind if I join you? I wanted to apologize if my behaviour last night offended you.”
Zoagashta looked up at me and smiled warmly. They kicked the chair out for me to sit down. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. Sit down. Relax. Have you had breakfast or coffee yet?” Zoagashta touched the top of my hand, settling nerves I hadn’t realized I had.
“I feel terrible. I don’t act like that. It’s not in me to drink that much, and what I said was completely out of line,” I started again, but Zoagashta was shaking their head.
“Stop apologizing. Like you said, you had too much, and you’ve already apologized enough for what was a tiny mistake. Anyway, would you like some coffee? I think I can sweet talk Day Thomas into giving us some Owekla espresso. It’ll put hair on our chest.”
“I don’t think I need more hair on my chest, but yes, please. I would love to try some.” I smiled at their humour, my spirits lifting in their presence.
“It’s, uh… It’s, um,” Zoagashta stuttered as they tripped getting out of the chair. Their cheeks flushed when they straightened up. “I’ll, uh, grab the coffee. Be right back.”
I watched as they marched to the coffee station, where Day Thomas presided. The two of them had a quick conversation, and when they both looked at me, I ducked my head and organized the utensils and glasses on my side of the table.
“I was talking with Thomas,” Zoagashta said when they returned, “and he mentioned he was taking all the retreat guests on a tour of the upper portion of the StarStation. It’s an all-day affair. Judging from what little I know of you, I think you’ll enjoy the history of it. However, he won’t be going to the more interesting places.” Zoagashta nervously fidgeted with the cloth napkin as they spoke. “I can see if I can get permission to take you behind the locked doors, like the control centre and bridge.”
I was intrigued by the idea of visiting the working portions of the station, but just going with Zoagashta made me a little nervous. I had to know what was in it for them. We barely knew each other, and they were offering me such a boon. “Why would you suggest this? You don’t know me very well, and from what you can see of my emotions, I’m not exactly stable.”
Zoagashta looked offended by my question. At that point, though, I didn’t care. I needed to know why. I had never been chosen for myself, and it scared me.
“I would like to get to know you better, and I thought this would be an ideal way of doing it,” Zoagashta said. “You intrigue me, Trest, and this likely will make you run away, but I’m very attracted to you.”
I twitched at their open statement. I wrestled briefly with what I wanted to say next, and unfortunately, the idiot in me won. “Are you babysitting me? Reporting back to your commodore about the broken engineer?”
“What? No! That’s not why. How the hell did you come up with that?” Zoagashta scowled at me before leaning back in their seat. They shook their head in disgust.
I disgusted them with my suspicions. Better now than later when I grew attached and had a better chance of royally fucking things up.
“You did that on purpose,” Zoagashta said. “You did it to rile me up so I wouldn’t like you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I sipped my espresso and felt my veins perk up at the strong bitter brew. Its taste was not what I’d expected, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It gave me time to think about what Zoagashta said I did. Manipulating them into disliking me was for our own good. They didn’t need me or my neurotic ways ruining their life.
Zoagashta leaned forward, their blue-and-purple eyes intense as they stared. Their fingers were tightly wrapped around the tiny mug, and hot liquid sloshed as they shook the table. “Listen to me, Trest. I don’t know what happened to you. From the stink of your closed emotions—which is not an insult—to your brutish ways of pushing me away, some terrible shit went down. I get that. But I also know for a fact you need someone in your corner. I want that person to be me. So buckle up. You’re getting yourself a brand-new best friend.”
I sat back in my seat, dismayed. They swept back their long hair and smirked at me. Zoagashta knew they had thwarted me. “But… why?” I asked.
“Does it matter? I want you to have fun with me. That’s it. So go on your tour with Day Thomas. Have fun absorbing every bit of history he’ll throw at you.” Zoagashta pushed away from the table and leaned close to me.
Their mouth puckered slightly, and I almost cringed at the idea of them kissing me. We weren’t there yet. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready. So why?
“Stop expecting bad things to happen. Think positive thoughts and maybe the world will surprise you.” They spun away from the table and strode to the staff doors. Thomas moved to intercept them, but Zoagashta easily dodged him.
I tried to put Zoagashta’s words into perspective. I could admit, silently to myself, that I might have done them a complete disservice.
“Commander Trest? If you’d like to gather in the front lobby? The tour around the upper portion of StarStation 86 is about to begin,” Thomas said briefly, then continued on to speak to other guests.
I nodded and hastily finished my drink. I didn’t want to waste a drop.
I enjoyed the tour immensely. Thomas’s knowledge about the station and the VCC was spot on. I tried really hard not to be that guest—the one asking all the questions and not letting the group continue onward. I wanted to think that Thomas appreciated my thirst for knowledge. He seemed to grow more enthusiastic and personable as the day went on.
