Sanctity, page 2
“Commander Trest? May I have a word?”
I looked up from my tablet and found Commander Damon Wild standing in the doorway with a ferocious scowl on his normally cheerful face. His black hair was longer than regulation and held back with a clip. A few inky locks fell into his eyes and, irritated, he brushed them away. Everything about his posture screamed at me to move, to hide.
“What would you like, Commander?” I asked calmly, setting the tablet down and devoting my attention to him. Every noise and reflection of light from the hallway behind him made my skin crawl and the hole within me deepen. Padua had been a buffer against the world, and now she was gone, ripped away because she preferred someone else so much more than me.
“You haven’t been around. Sartris is getting concerned.” Wild leaned on the doorframe, his legs and arms crossed. “I would have thought you’d say hello to Collins at least.”
“I saw him briefly. I helped him with his uniform while the captain was busy. He’s been to see Padua. What else could I do?” I didn’t say that helping Collins dress had been a test for myself. I’d wanted to see if I could be around him without lashing out. And I’d done it. I could be proud of myself, even though my heart ached when Padua placed her tentacle on the transparent tank for Collins and ignored me completely. “I think he should be with his ship’s heart without me hovering.”
“You’re their friend. With everything that’s going on right now, Sartris needs his friends around him, giving him support,” Wild said huffily. “Dammit, Jax. He put his career on the line for us so we could get rid of that asshole. Knight was neglectful, man, and the crew suffered for it.”
“He did nothing to me. My crew and I did what was necessary to keep the ship running. Sure, we could have had more time away from engineering, but the Padua needed constant guidance,” I said. Captain Knight hadn’t done a thing to or for me, or anything, really. “He was a useless captain, but at least he stayed on the bridge.”
Wild opened his mouth and closed it with a snap. “Fine, whatever, if you can’t see it. Anyway, we’re having a thing in the mess with the captain, Collins, and Gratch. We would appreciate it if you made an appearance.”
I nodded and waved him off. He stared at me for a long time before straightening up. I kept up the eye contact until he broke first and left the doorway. The door finally slid closed, and I could hear myself think in peace.
Once alone, I let out the pent-up air and dropped my head between my knees. Everything I’d said had mostly been a lie. A tap on the transparent tank wall had me straightening and gazing into the big eye of my former friend. She swirled away in a dance of tentacles, and the pain and anger had me throwing the tablet against the tank’s surface. It didn’t even leave a mark.
“Commander Trest? You’re required in the captain’s ready room. Please report,” the comm link spoke in the quiet room. I glared at the speaker by the door and debated not going. “Now, Commander.”
Leaving engineering was surprisingly difficult. The cacophony of people going about their business was overwhelming. People kept stopping me to talk and congratulate me on a mission well done. I wanted to scream at them, say it wasn’t me. That I was just a cog in the great wheel.
Announcing myself at Sartris’s doorway was easy. I stopped dead when it wasn’t the captain behind the desk, but the admiral.
“Admiral Smythe, good afternoon.” I saluted sharply and waited for her to allow me to stand at ease.
“Commander Trest, how are you?” Her voice was controlled warmth, and her blue eyes glinted at me. From the top of her grey hair to her carefully manicured fingers, she was a woman secure in her power.
“Fine, Admiral. And you?” I kept my eyes on the painting behind her head. It was of the Horsehead Nebula, and I was fascinated by its formation.
“I’m doing well, but a little surprised that the chief of engineering hasn’t made his after-action report to me.”
I flicked my eyes to her briefly and got caught by her no-nonsense gaze. She wanted answers, and I was going to give them to her no matter what.
“Most of the senior staff shuttled over to deliver them in person,” she continued. “I admit, they likely wanted to see what the Chalcedon was like. Everyone has been aboard but you. Care to explain?”
“I’ve been keeping an eye on the ship’s heart now that she and her bonded have reunited. I wanted to confirm everything was working as it’s supposed to. There have been reports that—”
“There have been reports that the chief of engineering has been caught staring off into the distance for long pockets of time, not realizing people have been calling his name. I’ve been hearing many upsetting things, Commander Trest. I would like to know what happened. You’re an excellent engineer and a good role model for those under your supervision. Yet these reports…” She leaned forward on Sartris’s desk and smiled earnestly at me. “What’s going on?”
I met those steely eyes and glanced away. “I’m fine, Admiral. It’s just a little stressful right now. I’m trying to get the star drive chamber ready for Lieutenant Collins. He’s so focused on Padua that things became a little messy. I might have forgotten some things for myself, but all in all, I’m okay.”
She pressed her lips together in a tight line and shook her head. “I want you to see Dr Cayne once we’re done here.”
“What? Why?” I stood straighter and pushed my shoulders back as though I could intimidate the admiral. “I really am fine, Admiral. The sooner we’re out of this section of space, the better, right?”
The expression on her face told me that my excuses wouldn’t matter and I should just obey her command. She resolutely stared me down as I shifted restlessly on my feet. I didn’t want to say what was wrong because then it would be in the open and people would be able to see that I was… not right. That couldn’t happen.
“Dr Cayne would like to speak with you,” the admiral said. “Just an informal talk. We know you’ve been burning the candle at both ends for a long while now, so we just want to confirm the state of your health.”
“Yes, Admiral.” The good doctor would hunt me down in engineering if I dared to disobey these orders.
“Nothing will be on record. It’s just an informal talk. Make sure you’re doing good.”
“I’ll see her now. May I be dismissed?” I kept my eyes focused on the Horsehead Nebula again. It was a lot better than seeing the depth of concern in her eyes.
“Commander, we are trying to help you. Please understand that,” Admiral Smythe said earnestly. “You’re dismissed.”
“Admiral.” I saluted and left the room.
Once moving, the pressure in my chest began to lessen and breathing wasn’t a chore. I wasn’t being asked to perform or lie. I was alone with my thoughts again. As I reached absently for the tether that had kept me focused, all I found was the ragged ends of a lost friendship.
Stepping into the infirmary, I saw the severely disappointed chief of medicine standing with her arms crossed and her toe tapping impatiently. She crooked her finger at me, and I walked over reluctantly like a bad puppy.
“Commander Trest, so good of you to join us. I thought you might have forgotten where the infirmary was located. Maybe you should get your ears checked as well, because I swear there was an all-ship announcement requiring everyone to get looked at by medical staff.”
“I had to make sure the ship’s heart was settled and content with her bondmate. She was anxious.” I nodded and smiled. “I would have made my way down here, but somehow time got away from me.”
“Commander, come with me to my office.” She wove her way around her noisy staff and patients before bringing me to a well-organized and well-used office. A sofa with a coffee table was set perpendicular to her mostly clean desk. Tablets and other medical devices were stacked precariously on one end. Dr Cayne gestured for me to sit on the sofa, and she sat on the other side. “Jax, may I be frank with you?”
“I’m fine,” I answered automatically. I knew I wouldn’t be able to lie to the doctor like I could the admiral or even my best friend. She knew me too well.
“What happened between you and Padua?”
The skin on my face tightened, and my ears warmed up. I couldn’t catch my breath as Dr Cayne sat there, waiting. Tunnel vision blurred my eyes as I fought to breathe slowly and evenly. I could hear the muffled sound of people behind her closed door as I dealt with the question. “Lieutenant Collins came back.”
“Before that. I know you spend a lot of time in the star chamber, and I know a portion of your position is required to work with the ship’s heart, but this was a bit different, wasn’t it?”
CHAPTER 3
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said. I had my hands clasped, and they tightened reflexively. My palms were slick with sweat as I thought of ways to outmanoeuvre the doctor. I knew with time, maybe, I could get past this sense of loss. But I wanted to do it on my own time and in my own way. I had hoped I had convinced everyone I was fine, but obviously that hadn’t worked.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time in the star chamber. More time there than anywhere else. I know that when Collins was on board the Ryokosha, you protected Padua from the adverse effects of not having her bonded close at hand. But what did that do to you?” Cayne sat back in the corner of the sofa and narrowed her eyes at me. “Juvenile ship’s hearts are so very young and awkward. They don’t understand their own capabilities. It’s why they usually have a mature human counterpart.”
“I know this.”
“How did you bond with Padua?” Cayne’s dark green eyes were steady as she knocked me off my feet. I should have expected this question, and the answer was obvious—no, Padua and I didn’t bond. But there was no way I’d ever find a connection like that again.
“There’s no bond.” Simple answers didn’t require thought or energy. They could conceal the turmoil within me. We had connected, impossible though that should have been. Yet I still had my ragged tether dancing in the winds.
“I see,” she murmured. Sighing, she shook her head and looked at the table. Her whole being radiated disappointment in my answer.
How could I answer otherwise, though?
“Well, we are travelling to the system near Asyra and Mechania,” she explained, “and the Padua will be stopping at StarStation 86, where the whole crew will undergo care-and-concern therapy. Everyone on the Padua has been under a great strain, considering what happened with former Captain Knight. StarStation 86 has a decontamination team that will sweep the Padua and make sure the parasites found on board are gone for good. Captain Sartris, Lieutenant Collins, and Padua will be debriefed by the Asyran High Council and the Maternai.”
I nodded, agreeing with everything the doctor said. It sounded logical and empathetic. The Padua crew did need time away from the ship to relax. I couldn’t remember the last time we all disembarked. Captain Knight had frowned on that. He thought it wasn’t necessary. I was happy Dr Cayne and Admiral Smythe thought otherwise.
“Which brings us to you. Since Lieutenant Collins has been rescued and reunited with Padua, you’ve been distant. We’ve been told you’ve withdrawn from all crew gatherings, and you’ve ignored your peers, like Commanders Wild and Gratch. I know you’re not one for large groups, but these two men have been with you since your days at the academy. Your staff have been very protective and won’t discuss what happened. They’ve become quiet and rebellious, even when facing disciplinary action. That tells me things.”
I hadn’t known that about my staff. I’d never said anything to them. They had free rein of engineering, as I believed them to be capable adults and didn’t need me hovering all the damn time.
“Listen to me, Jax Trest. You went through a traumatic event somewhere along the line, and you are still dealing with the effects of it. You need someone to talk to. So, talk.” The comradery I had been feeling between us disappeared in an instant. Cayne became the hard-nosed doctor who regularly scared her interns.
I opened my mouth, but only a soft breath of air exited. I didn’t know how to begin or where. I knew it was time to unburden myself, but it was hard, and the words stuck in my throat.
Cayne settled comfortably on the couch and waited me out.
“Padua… Padua destroyed our connection,” I finally said. “She tore it when… when Collins rejoined the ship. One minute it was there, the next it wasn’t, and all there was… was this hole, and it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.”
Cayne’s exhalation was the only sound in the office. Silence fell over the room as I covered my hot face with my hands. Nothing prepared me for the gentle arms curling around me in an embrace. She cupped the back of my head with her hand and led me to a lavender-scented shoulder offering support. Nothing was said, and she didn’t pat my shoulder. She just let me rest my forehead against that strong arm.
Pulling back, I pressed the back of my hands against my damp eyes and made an awkward sound of regret. Cayne leaned back, empathy and calculation filling her eyes.
“I don’t know what to do,” I finished.
“You take the offer from Admiral Smythe, and you run. You take the time on the StarStation to grieve.”
“I’m not grieving. Why would I? I mean, how can I grieve for something I never had?” I asked. What right did I have to grieve for a creature that was never mine in the first place? I’d known Padua and Collins would be together. They were bonded. I was just a stopgap, a temporary measure.
“Why indeed.” Cayne examined me carefully once more, and I felt judged. I didn’t want to be around her anymore. My heart had been flayed open for all to see, and I hated it. “For the rest of the night, I want you to stay away from engineering and the star drive chamber. I will block your access. I want you to spend time with your friends. Talk to them. Actually talk to them. They may be able to help you through this.”
“Yes, Doctor.” I saluted and left.
I wormed my way around everyone, trying to exit the infirmary, only to bump into one of two people I wasn’t ready to be around yet. “Captain.”
“Commander, hello.” Captain Sartris grasped my elbow and led me out into the cool corridor. His stride was purposeful as he looked for what I assumed was a quiet spot. “Are you okay? I haven’t seen you since everything occurred. I apologize for letting you down.”
“It’s fine. You were busy. You needed to tend to Collins and the ship. I understand. There was more import—”
A low growl stopped my words. “My friend is just as important as my partner. And I failed you. Fuck, Jax. How much weight have you lost? I assume Dr Cayne set your head on straight.”
I looked down at my body, confused at his statement. I hadn’t lost weight. At least I didn’t think so. “I’m fine. And yes, Dr Cayne told me about the plans for the Padua. We’re heading to StarStation 86 for some R and R.”
“StarStation 86 has a good reputation for helping crews find their way back after difficult voyages. I was delighted when the admiral chose that particular location.” Sartris looked at his hands and sighed. “I guess it helps that it’s in the same location as the Asyran and Mechania planets. Anyway, you’ve been selected to spend time in their Soothing Star Retreat. It’s both a spa and a care-and-concern office. Their best people will help you with… stuff.”
He was fishing for information, and I was not going to share with him that his lover’s bondmate had hurt me. “Why is everyone concerned about my mental health? I said I was fine. I said I’ll go on this little vacation. So back off,” I snapped, then flushed immediately as Sartris stepped back at my tirade. “I should go now.”
My day didn’t get better. It got a lot worse. Standing outside the door to my quarters were two determined men—Commanders Wild and Gratch. The chief of security, Gratch, had his muscled arms crossed over his chest and a dark frown on his face. Wild was leaning on the opposite wall, his head propped back, focus completely on the hallway and therefore, on me.
“Hey, Gratch, who’s this person heading our way?” Wild threw out sarcastically. “I don’t think I recognize him.” He tossed his head back, getting the hair out of his eyes. “I mean, if he’s an officer, then we should know him, right?”
“Wild, chill. I’m sure Trest has a perfectly valid reason for not seeking us out when he should have,” Gratch stated calmly. But every word out of his mouth felt like a whip across my back. His light green eyes shone eerily as I met them.
“I had to make sure the star drive chamber and Padua were working together properly, especially with Collins being back. They want to give him more responsibility in engineering,” I explained. My shoulders remained straight and my chin up. My limbs were loose. I was ready for anything they wanted to throw at me.
The rigid posture and angry glare fell away from Gratch as he took in my stance. “Seriously, man? What the hell do you think’s going to happen?”
Wild scowled and pushed away from the wall. “He thinks we’re going to beat him up, verbally or physically.”
“I do not. Why would you think that?” I stood straight, insulted at Wild’s uncannily accurate statement. “You two are my friends.”
“If we are your friends, you should have told us about whatever the hell’s been bothering you,” Gratch snapped. He moved close to me and drew me into a tight bear hug. It was actually kind of nice. “Listen, buddy, my shoulders are always here for you. If you need anything, let me know. It hurts when you bottle it up.”
Wild stood off with his arms crossed and his lips tight. His body language radiated hurt anger at me, and I didn’t know how to apologize or say anything. “Come on, let’s go to the observation deck and have a sit-down,” he finally suggested.
