Hopelessly Devoted, page 7
He nodded with a secret grin as he started singing the soulful lyrics.
“Old school,” someone else shouted.
“Ouch,” William said.
“Foo Fighters are old school? Y’all wound me,” I put a hand to my chest.
The laughter dimmed as we all grew rapt watching Derek sing. His voice was deep and guttural. He sounded like Dermot Kennedy but his lip curled and his eyebrows pursed with all the angst of an emo rocker. He was going to break a lot of hearts, this one. I knew he was a musician but I had no idea he was so talented.
Ethan watched him with intensity I’d never seen in the joker. It was all making sense in that moment. When Derek sang about being divided and deciding whether to stay, Ethan slid up his hood and leaned back, hiding his face, and stuffing his hands deep in the pouch.
I snuck a glance to William who watched, his eyes almost closed as he gently rocked to the music. He glanced over as though he felt me watching and gave me a sleepy smile. My heart raced away.
This guy. He was going to get me to do something very stupid.
“I’m going to shower and then bed.” I stood suddenly.
“Lame,” someone shouted.
“I know. I’m old and all your youth-ing about has tired me out.” I stretched. “Don’t stay up too late. We start the hike early. No booze. No weed. I’m dead serious. If I catch one sniff of either, you’re out of the program. I’m not kidding. What you guys do on your own time is your choice, but when we are in charge of you, no fucking around.”
I glared at each of them around the fire. Triple F—dammit, Ford, now I was calling it that—was on thin ice because of the nature of the students in the program; the last thing we needed was to be booted out of the site. I wasn’t actually worried though. They knew we were all lucky to be able to do these sorts of outings and wouldn’t want to ruin it. Still, I had to play the adult.
“Clear?” I asked loudly.
“Crystal,” they called back.
“I’ll stay up a little while to make sure the fire is put out properly,” William said. He didn’t look up at me. Which I was actually relieved about. Regardless of how I assured him, it felt like he was still being weird about the tent thing. Now I could pretend to be asleep when he finally came to bed.
And pretending it would be, because there was no way I was sleeping with that man next to me.
Chapter 9
William
The light of the lantern floated from the tent and off towards the bathrooms. I was as tired as Jack had seemed but I was waiting another hour at least. The fire was a weak excuse when really I wanted to make sure there was no chance I’d walk in on him changing for bed. I wanted him to be asleep by the time I got to the tent. It was getting harder to ignore my attraction to him. Two nights in a tent was feeling more like an impossibility. And it was all my own stupid fault. I couldn’t believe I forgot a tent. It was on the list. I swore I had it with my stuff to be loaded.
I picked up a thick stick and used my knife to whittle it to a sharp tip. I passed it over to the left so the guys could roast marshmallows.
Jack’s gaze as he touched my lips, as he watched me stoke the fire, kept appearing in my head. I knew that look. We had to be careful.
“He can’t hear you, he’s lost in thought.” Ethan called out, “Yo, Brawny Man.”
I blinked up, belatedly realizing they had been talking to me.
“What’s up?” I asked, my voice even more grumbly from the smoke and not talking.
“We asked if you were married,” Kyle asked. He was a short kid with a ton of brown hair he constantly shook forward into his eyes and then brushing away.
“No,” I said.
“Girlfriend?” someone I couldn’t see on the other side of the fire asked.
“Nope.” The blade of the knife shucked off a large curl of wood. I squinted up. “No boyfriend either.”
“I told you,” Ethan said and I tensed. “He’s a total lone wolf.”
I relaxed my shoulders. Jack had told me that kids today—did I really just call them that?—didn’t give a shit about who you dated, but being around a group of teens had me on edge like I was fifteen again.
“I have dated. Just not currently,” I clarified.
“High standards?”
“Commitment phobia?”
“Daddy issues?”
The questions all came back-to-back from the circle and I just shook my head laughing. “We aren’t having this conversation.”
“But you can help Dom though, right?” Ethan asked. “With his lady problems.”
“Shit, man.” The guy in question, Dominic, was wearing matching gray sweats and wore a beanie so low I almost couldn’t see his eyes. He had the makings of a mustache that was trying really hard to be full grown. “I don’t need no help. My woman has no complaints.” He threw a marshmallow at Ethan who grabbed it out of the air and chewed it with enthusiasm.
“I hope that’s true,” I said, still focused on my task.
Dominic leaned forward. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just what I said. I hope that you talked to her and she’s satisfied.”
Dominic leaned back, legs spread wide, foot tapping. “I don’t need to ask her.” He lifted his chin in challenge.
I held his gaze as I ran the blade over the stick. “Yes. You do.”
“He thinks she’s faking her O’s to get him to finish,” Ethan offered happily.
I gave him an exacerbated look. This kid really wanted his ass kicked.
“Shit, man. Shut up. I didn’t say that.” Dominic smoothed his “mustache.”
“What did she say? When you asked her what she liked?” I asked him.
His gaze moved to the fire avoiding my question. I looked around the fire. “You guys are asking your partners, right? If you’re fooling around, then you better be talking.”
When none of them responded. I sighed loudly and threw the newest stick hard, to spear it into the ground. “Alright. I’m only gonna say this once and you guys need to really listen.”
“We’ve had the birds and bees talk, Brawny Man.” Derek spoke up for the first time in a while.
I scratched at my beard. “Oh yeah? What? Wear a condom? Don’t get her pregnant? Beware of STDs?”
“Nah, dog, we know about consent and all that shit,” Dominic said defensively.
“All that shit?” I said it so sharply the group went quiet. “Consent is the bare minimum. Enthusiastic consent, that’s the aim.” I shook my head when all I received were blank stares and open mouths. “How do you expect to be men if you don’t know this ‘shit’?”
A few of them grumbled.
“No. You wanna talk like real men? This is how real men talk. Consent is the absolute lowest standard you’re going for.” The vehemence in my voice surprised me. For being the most understanding and open generation, they treated sex like a badge to be earned and I was pissed. Women especially weren’t objects and this type of talk needed to end now.
“Any prick can get a person who’s half out of her mind. Or guilt them into sex because they think they’re owed something. It takes a real connection to sweep someone off their feet and get them ready to go. You understand that?” I asked.
“So how do we do that?” Kyle asked with a flick of his bangs.
“You talk to your partners. You listen to them. You explore them and touch them where they want to be touched. You better be willing to work. You get them so worked up they’re begging for it.”
A few “hells yes” bust out of the group. I paused speaking because I worried I would bite my lip again. I took a deep breath and lowered my shoulders.
“And until they’re ready, it’s your job to make them feel safe and wanted. Safe. And wanted. Anything less makes you a coward. Ain’t nothing sexy about a man who uses his strength for anything other than stamina.” I looked around at each and every one of them. “You get me?”
They nodded.
“You want to blow their mind. Enthusiastic consent. That’s the goal. Anything else is fucking weak.”
I sat back into my chair.
“Brawny Man has game,” Ethan said.
“No. It’s just way more fun when both parties are into it.” I picked up another branch and began working it.
The guys made whooping noises. I wasn’t sure if this was appropriate conversation with teenagers, but better than perpetuating these hurtful ideals of what masculinity means. I didn’t think I could have said all that with Jack next to me. I already fought the images that popped up thinking about getting him so worked up he was begging for it.
“Oh snap. Okay, okay,” Ethan said. “I feel ya.”
“You’re good fucking people. You guys really have the potential to make a better future,” I said. Emotion made my throat tight unexpectedly. “It’s powerful.”
They were quiet, but when I glanced up, they were nodding or staring at the fire. When I met Derek’s gaze, his eyes were bright, nostrils flared.
“Be better men than our dads,” Derek said quietly.
Chills ran down my arms. I held his gaze and my hand ran over the scar on my chin without thinking.
“You already are,” I said softly.
The conversation flowed to one topic and another. I zoned out not understanding half the shit they even talked about as I stared at the stars. It had been so long since I camped like this. Since I was still. It made my chest ache with memories. I thought of all the camping trips before I moved in with Sanders and William. So many inside jokes and stupid accidents we laughed about later. Those trips were my perfect oasis before returning to the hell of reality. I closed my eyes and fought back the emotions thinking of my surrogate father. I missed him so much. He was so far gone at the end. It broke my heart. But I was so thankful for the time we had. I owed him so much.
After a little while longer, I yawned loudly and stood up with effort. It had been enough time. Jack should be asleep by now.
“I’m calling it.” I kicked Ethan’s shoe to get his attention. “Make sure the fire is all the way out before you go to bed?”
He looked around before pointing to his chest. “Me?”
“Ah, shit, call Smokey, this forest is about to burn to the ground,” Kyle said.
I shot him a look and he held up his hands. “Just kidding, just kidding.”
I looked back to Ethan. “I know you won’t let that happen. Let the flames burn all the way down and then dump that on there.” I pointed to a bucket of water. “No coals, no nothing. Makes sure you shovel the ash on top.”
He straightened as I spoke. “Water. Ashes. Got it,” he said with seriousness.
“I know you do.” I nodded at him and then to the group said, “Good night, all.”
They said their good nights and I made my way blindly back to the tent in the dark. Away from the fire it was much harder to see. I pulled out a small flashlight and quietly crept to the tent. I slowly unzipped it, kicking off my shoes before getting in.
I moved as quietly as I could, with the flashlight beam lowered.
“It’s okay, I’m still awake.” Soft lantern light flickered to life. “Here, so you can see,” Jack said.
“Uh, thanks.”
Jack leaned up on his elbow, he wore a white henley unbuttoned that seemed to glow against his dark skin. His eyes were heavy with sleep but he watched me closely.
“I hope we didn’t keep you up.” I was whispering for some reason. Something about being in a tent just mandated it.
“No. I couldn’t sleep.” He wouldn’t look away and I didn’t want to make a big deal about changing. I began to unbutton my outer shirt.
“I heard what you told them,” he said. “About consent.”
My hands stilled halfway through the buttons. “I hope that was okay. I wasn’t—”
“It was good. They like being treated like adults.” He still wouldn’t look away. His face was hard to read in this light.
I continued to take my flannel off, leaving only my white undershirt, and tossed it to my corner of the tent.
“They’re good kids. They’re shockingly open. I don’t feel like I talked about anything at that age.” I chatted as I unbuttoned my hiking pants and dropped them. My hands shook a little under his scrutiny. I swore his nostrils flared in the low light. If he had thoughts about my boxer briefs, he kept it to himself. Goose bumps broke out over my skin. I knew from experience that if I tried to sleep in this insulted sleeping bag with too much clothing on, I’d strip in the night or wake up in a puddle of sweat.
“They just want someone to treat them like they’re worthy of being listened to,” Jack said.
I thought of how Ethan looked at me when I asked him to watch the fire, like he hadn’t been expected to be responsible for anything for a long time.
“You’re good with them.” His voice was deep and rough with sleep and it shot straight to my dick. I quickly lowered to slide into the cocoon of my bag. “You had nothing to worry about.”
“I built it up more in my head.” As usual, I thought.
“It seems like most people have a hard time with teenagers because they project a lot of their own shit onto them from their past instead of seeing the person. But you’re giving them a chance to be seen and heard and that’s all they want,” he explained.
It felt good. Talking with them, feeling like maybe I was actually helping them. Not just with the sex talk but all day. It felt important. I knew my work was important too, in its own way.
I lay on my back, studying the nylon material. Distantly, the voices of the guys bounced off the water, low and laughing.
“I’m gonna have to let them sleep in tomorrow, aren’t I?” Jack sighed as he clicked off the lantern.
I smiled. He was so gentle with them. Tough too, but he genuinely cared about them. “They’re not gonna be functional until noon at least,” I said.
He didn’t respond for so long I wondered if he finally fell asleep. “Where’d you learn so much about wilderness stuff? Fire starting and all that?” Jack asked, seemingly as unable to call it a night as me.
“William took Sanders and me camping a lot. Almost every weekend during summers or longer if he could get time off. He taught me everything he knew about it.”
I smiled thinking about some of the happiest times of my life. Just the three of us in the beautiful Rockies, talking about anything and everything as we stared out into the stars.
“Is that how you and Sanders got started with Outside the Box?”
“Yeah. It seemed that we were always bound to be working outside in some capacity. There was a time—”
I hadn’t meant to say that but something about the atmosphere of the quiet tent allowed secrets to be shared.
“What?” he prodded.
I swallowed. “I was just thinking, remembering really, that for a while I wanted to do something like Triple F,” I said.
“Oh God, not you too,” he mumbled.
“What?” I turned to lie on my side and face him in the dark.
“Nothing.” I could hear him shuffling; when he spoke his voice was closer too. “Go on, please. I want to know.”
“Just being out here, with these guys. I’m remembering that I wanted to be a part of something like this. Give back somehow. Feel involved in making a difference for the future. I know if I had stayed on the path I was born into, I wouldn’t be here today.”
“Same. I bounced from foster home to foster home for so long before Carol and Joe, the parents who raised Ford and me,” Jack explained. “So what happened?” he asked gently. “Why corporate adventuring?”
I let out a long breath. “I don’t know exactly. It just sort of morphed into that over time. It was just us at first. We needed to make money. Denver was booming like crazy, tons of new businesses with North Face–wearing granolas who wanted to bond with their employees.”
He chuckled.
“I sound jaded. I’m not. I know we were lucky to have the success we did doing what we loved to do. But it’s not …”
“Not where your heart is?” he finished.
“No,” I admitted softly. “Sometimes I think …” I licked my lips and stopped. My heart began to race in the darkness. I felt like it was shaking the ground. I was about to confess something to him that I never told anybody. Not even fully admitted to myself.
“What?” His hand found mine in the darkness and squeezed. His fingers were warm and calloused and again I wondered if he lifted weights to get that body.
I found courage in his silent encouragement. “The business is in trouble. Sanders … isn’t doing well. Losing his father the way he did, after having lost his mother so young. He’s just so fragile. He made some mistakes with OTB. Other companies are popping up doing what we do with more funding and …” I let out a shaking breath. I couldn’t believe I was admitting it. “Sometimes. I wish he would just let OTB go so I could move on.”
There was silence. Did he think that I was a terrible person? Did he think I was betraying the man who helped me?
Eventually he cleared his throat. “You could leave. You don’t have to stay just because it was his dream. Just because you have been a part of it. You’re allowed to walk away too.”
I couldn’t explain that I couldn’t abandon Sanders like that. He needed me. He didn’t get the history. I settled on the easiest answer. “Sanders needs the help. I’m better at the back-end stuff. He’s the face of the company.”
Jack remained quiet.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” I said.
“Yes, you should have,” he said before letting out a long sigh. “I’m glad you shared. I just worry you’re selling yourself short. You were good today. If this is something you want to do. Or at least closer to it. You should give yourself permission to explore that.”
My face flushed in the darkness. “I know. Maybe one day. Thank you.”
Neither one of us bought my lip service. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had disappointed Jack somehow with this admission.
“Good night,” Jack whispered, releasing my hand and turning away.
