Hopelessly Devoted, page 2
I managed to ignore him decently well too until Sandra NoDee made him stand up during her stunning rendition of “Hopelessly Devoted.” The whole bar had a similar reaction to me. Shock and awe. He was a gorgeous hunk of mountain man. His bearded jaw was sharp, his cheeks were chiseled like he’d been handcrafted out of a wet dream. His longish brown hair was slicked back in messy waves, causing one strand to come loose over his forehead when he blushed at the ground. His cheeks and neck were splotched with red with all the attention on him. He tried to smile but only half of his mouth lifted in the attempt. I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head. This poor guy was so out of his element. Why else had he hidden himself in the shadows, hoping to be avoided? Being made the center of attention by the literal center of attention was probably his worst nightmare. What a curse for someone that good looking to be shy.
No. This wasn’t just shy. I watched him closely, really watched him. His breaths were coming faster. He flexed his fists repeatedly like he was trying to get the blood flowing back to his fingers. He looked like he was seconds away from a freak-out.
On cue, he shoved his way past the queen.
“Don’t do it,” I told myself, turning back to the bar. “Not your problem.”
But the poor guy … Everybody needed a helping hand from time to time.
“Shit.” I sighed, slamming the rest of my beer. I threw down some cash and jogged to the exit.
He was nowhere in sight. I rounded the corner behind the club into an alley and found him tucked away out of sight behind some scaffolding. He was crouched, back to the wall of the building as bass thumped distantly through the thick brick. His head was in his hands, messy hair sticking up between his fingers. His shoulders were up as he curled in on himself, like a kid preparing to be kicked.
“Shit,” I swore again, seeing such a big man brought down by his own internal demons. The sight broke my heart. I would just make sure he was okay before I left well enough alone.
He was in a full-blown state when I got to him. His breaths were way too shallow. His body convulsed with tremors and sweat had made the hair around his temples damp. I leaned down toward the stranger knowing it was already too late for me to go back. Whatever was happening to this man, it’s clear he was in a bad state. Humans needed to help each other. If we couldn’t do that, then what is even the point?
“Hey, man. Are you okay?” I asked in a soothing tone.
His only response was to flinch and curl even more in on himself.
I lowered into an uncomfortable squat in front of him, careful not to touch anything. Thank you, Suzie Samuels, for my newfound flexibility because there wasn’t a clean surface to be found. I balanced awkwardly on the balls of my feet.
“What’s going on?” I asked again, louder this time.
I lowered my face to try and get his attention. His head lifted and he seemed surprised to find he wasn’t alone. His gaze was unfocused and his worried eyes wouldn’t stay still. His dark eyebrows were contorted in a pitiful grimace.
“I-I don’t know,” he gasped out between shallow intakes of breath.
His color was greenish and sure enough sweat dotted his brow as he gasped for air.
“My name is Jack Jones. I’m Red Cross certified and I’m going to see if I can help you, okay?”
The man only nodded his head.
“Can you tell me your name?” I asked, hoping to distract him.
His hands dropped to wrap around his stomach as he rocked slightly. “I-I can’t breathe.”
“You’re breathing right now,” I said. “You’re going to be okay. I’m going to check your pulse. Is it okay if I touch you?”
I waited for him to nod permission before gently pressing two fingers to the pulse point at his neck. His heartbeat raced out of control.
“Anything else wrong?” I asked.
“Feel weird. Tingling. I think I’m dying.”
“Yeah. I bet it feels that way. You seem to be having a panic attack. They are a real mind fuck,” I explained.
His head nodded and then shook no before his face crumpled. "I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing.”
“Hey, man, nothing to be sorry about. These things happen. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”
He swallowed, his eyes squeezed shut tight.
“Let’s try and hijack that brain of yours. It’s trying to help you but it’s sending the wrong signals. If I ask you to take a deep breath, do you think you could try and do that for me?”
His head shook furiously. “Can’t breathe.”
“You’re breathing right now. It feels like you can’t, but if you’re talking, you are breathing. It’s all good.” I reassured him but wasn’t sure that the words were getting through. “Okay? You are breathing.” I grabbed his hand and placed it on his own chest. “Feel that? That’s you taking air in and out, my friend.”
This time he took a deeper but shuddering breath.
“I’m right here. I won’t leave you alone. You’re not alone. You’re going to be okay.” The words from my training came naturally. My concern for him was real.
He sucked in his lips over and over, chewing on them as his chest hiccuped. His eyes welled with tears, but I instinctually understood that if he broke down, it would only add to his humiliation and make his attack worse.
“Have you ever had a panic attack before?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Okay. So you know that you’re going to get through it. You’ve gotten through it all before. No worries.”
“I’m d-dying.” His shoulders were bunched up to his ears.
“No way. I won’t let that happen.”
He looked up at me and it’s like he saw me for the first time, really saw me. I smiled the left side of my face, popping the left dimple. It was my best dimple.
“I’m so embarrassed,” he repeated.
“No reason to be embarrassed. I’ve been here. It’s the worst. Our brains are evil bastards.”
He huffed a short laugh and I felt a small victory.
“Tell me your name. Let’s start there,” I said.
“S-s-s.”
“It’s okay. No rush. Whenever you’re ready.”
I reached out to squeeze his knees without thinking. His gaze shot to me and I worried I’d just made everything worse.
He took a deep stuttering breath.
“William,” he managed but his breaths were still coming faster than I would have liked.
“William. Nice to meet you. As I said, I’m Jack.”
He still hadn’t brushed off my touch. With panic attacks, it could go either way. Some people needed space and to be alone like a wounded animal. Others appreciated the company, and to not feel alone. I ventured another guess and squeezed gently. He sighed.
“William, I’m right here. And the good news is, you’re almost through this. Soon you’re gonna be able to take more deep breaths, okay?”
“So embarrassed,” he repeated and I could tell it took all his strength not to give in and cry. This guy broke my fucking heart. I wanted to tell him to just let it all out, give in to the pain, but my gut told me that would cause him to shirk back into himself.
“So that singer was pretty good, huh?” I said and his face immediately contorted. Definitely not the right route to take. Of course. That’s what caused his freak-out. Way to go, Jones.
The mistake caused my own energy to shake. I was stronger than this. I was great in a crisis but this guy was hitting me different. I wobbled as I lost balance, still trying to avoid touching the ground at all costs. As I toppled, his arms shot out to grab me before I fell ass backwards on the ground. He gripped my upper arms and I still gripped his thighs.
“Thanks.” I swallowed.
His breaths came easier now though, the distraction helped.
“Well, now I’m a little embarrassed.” I give him my best grin. “Pretend I smoothly transitioned into sitting. In fact, when you play this memory back, pretend I’m the sexiest man you’ve ever seen and I gallantly saved the day instead of falling and making things worse.”
He chuckled softly as he released me. And a little color finally rose to his cheeks. He took a deep breath in before letting out a long audible breath. His head dropped back against the wall, eyes closed.
“Feel a little better? Those fuckers are the worst,” I asked.
He nodded with his eyes still closed making a soft sound of agreement. It probably wasn’t cool to check out a man who was struggling but the strong column of his neck was distracting. The thick muscles and tendons flexed as his Adam’s apple rose and fell with a swallow. It was hard not to imagine his head thrown back with a groan of satisfaction.
He relaxed further so that his legs kicked out to the side. I sat cross-legged in between him, hands still rubbing without thought.
William brought his hands to clasp on top of his head, accentuating thick arms that pulled his plaid shirt tight. I looked away only to find that his shirt had ridden up to reveal a spattering of dark curls across a tight abdomen.
I was all too aware of the heat growing inside me. This guy was dealing with shit that I didn’t need to be getting mixed up with but my body, as always, missed the memo. This attraction needed to be shut down.
When I looked up, he watched me with hooded eyes. His gaze flicked to my hands and I pulled them back from his muscular thighs back to my own.
“Thanks.” His voice was so soft it was hardly audible. “I don’t—I’m not usually.”
“No worries, man. I’m trained for stuff like this. I’m just glad I spotted you.”
He moved to stand. I popped up first—not easy for a lengthy guy—to hold out a hand to help him. “Take your time,” I advised.
He slowed his movements. One hand scooted up the wall to help him balance. Standing, we were almost matched in height, which says a lot. He out-bulked me by a few dozen pounds.
“That okay?” I discovered my hands were on him again, this time his shoulders with the pretense of helping him balance.
He nodded again. Short on words this one. He said more during his panic attack than since.
He flicked a glance to where I held him and I dropped my arms back to my side. The tension had shifted and I worried I’d read this guy all wrong. He ran a hand over his neck, looking down the alley back toward the bar. I wondered if he felt awkward now that I’d seen him in such a state. Was he ready to prove he’s a man’s man? Or rather a manly man.
“I don’t remember coming out here,” he said.
I relaxed out of a fighting stance I hadn’t known I’d taken.
“I saw you rush out and could tell something was wrong.”
“Thank you.” He studied me in stolen glances. “I still can’t believe I did that.” His words slurred gently as he spoke. At first I thought it was from drinking but there was a long scar hidden under his thick beard, hardly noticeable unless you stared very closely. And apparently I was. It tugged his lip down lightly when he spoke, creating a soft speech impediment.
“No worries,” I said.
He ran a hand over his chin when I was caught staring. He straightened his shoulders, adding formality between us that wasn’t there before.
“Uh, thank you. For not leaving me,” he said.
I shook my head, suddenly short on words.
I didn’t want to get mixed up with this guy and yet I didn’t know that I could let him go just yet.
“Do you live around here?” As soon as I said it, I regretted it. It was like come-on 101. “I just mean, you probably shouldn’t be driving just yet,” I quickly added.
“Rideshare. I’m staying over in Green Valley.”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Want me to give you a lift? I have a friend that lives over there, it’s not far.”
“No,” he said shortly. “Thanks but no. I’ve ruined your night enough."
"You haven’t ruined anything.” I smiled at him openly, hoping to bring back a little bit of that closeness I sensed earlier.
His gaze moved over my face. He was so hard to read hidden behind that scruffy beard, intense stare, and messy hair.
Tell me you don’t want me to go yet. I wouldn’t make the first move. Not with a man clearly dealing with something.
I shuffled my feet. He started to say something but I broke the awkward silence first. “Are you talking to anybody about these attacks?”
His gaze shuttered. “No. I just—it was a rough day. My friend got hurt.”
I stepped closer, again reaching for him, unable to keep my hands to myself. “Is he okay?”
William lifted his eyes to mine, his gaze had this naturally squinted strain to it, like he was always blinking against the midday sun. He shrugged.
“I’m sorry,” I said. And I looked to my hand still on his shoulder. He followed my gaze. The air grew thick with unspoken questions.
His nostrils flared and a new something burned behind those mysterious eyes. I should step back now. I needed to put some distance between this guy who only spelled trouble.
And yet I didn’t move. I couldn’t.
Instead, he did.
Without any warning his hand grabbed the back of my head, pulling me closer until our bodies had almost no space between us. My face hovered just in front of his, searching his dark eyes. He hesitated only to confirm I wouldn’t shove him away. I licked my lips and it was the only invitation he needed.
Chapter 4
William
My mouth was on his. He opened to me immediately. Our tongues clashed with intensity that made my heart race harder than it had only a minute ago. If I could have, I might have gasped at the instant pleasure and relief I felt with his lips on mine. Our mouths acted desperate for the other, like we’d known each other forever and not just a few moments.
Any hope I had of maintaining composure was quickly diminishing. He’d already seen me at my worst. Maybe I could show him a bit of my better side. He looped his free arm behind me, closing any space between us. I gripped his hips, thrusting my hardness back into his.
He groaned as I nibbled his bottom lip.
Our kiss shouldn’t have felt so good. Lust burned through me in ways I haven’t felt in ages. With all the one-night stands, I was turned on, but it wasn’t like this. I got through my panic attack only to find this gorgeous man who had helped me. The kiss surprised me as much as it must have surprised him.
I flipped us so that he was now against the wall. I pulled back to look at him.
His deep dimples were emphasized by his surprised grin. He was painted in shades of brown, from his smooth skin, to his beard trimmed short as his hair, to his mischievous eyes that watched me closely. He was my height, maybe a little taller, and his tight white tee emphasized a lean but strong frame. And fuck his lips were so kissable. But it wasn’t just how achingly sexy he was. He was here. He sought me out when he saw I was in trouble. He stayed with me at my worst moment.
As I took in every lovely feature of his face, he watched me with a hesitant smile. The side of my mouth lifted subtly. His dimples deepened even more somehow. Fuck, they were adorable. I brought my hands to his cheeks and pulled him back to me, running my thumbs over the indents until they smoothed away into the heady seriousness of our kiss. I kissed him slower this time, more tenderness, a thank-you for helping me through a dark moment. I would be embarrassed. Later I would replay the attack and feel shame, but now I lost myself to this moment.
“Jack,” I tested his name on my tongue in a quick break for breath.
The man I would never see again felt like a savior. So different than all the men I’d taken home to numb the pain. I wanted him more than any of them. I ignored how that worried me deep down.
I’d never see him again, let myself have this moment. I needed him now. I needed to take this shot while I could. Let me be the selfish one for once.
I was eager and desperate for him. It felt like a fever. I dropped my hands to grab his ass and thrust myself against him. He was as rock hard as I was, as I massaged him there. His ass was phenomenal. It inflamed me. I kissed him so hard I tasted blood.
He broke the kiss stepping back, holding up a hand. “Hold up. Slow down.” He ran a hand over his mouth, looking at me with disheveled confusion.
I reached forward and pulled him back to me. I kissed up the column of his neck. “I don’t want to,” I mumbled against his hot skin.
He groaned and his hips rocked against me. “Fuck,” he moaned out. His hands moved to tug through my hair.
I so badly wanted him in my mouth. I moved without thinking. His hands in my hair remained, frozen with indecision. Not stopping, not guiding either. I was on my knees in the dirty alley and didn’t give a fuck. The recklessness of this decision made me feel high. I wanted him to use my mouth and I didn’t care about anything else.
“No. Wait.” He pushed my shoulders until I looked up at him.
I held his gaze as I ran my hand over his rock-hard dick.
“Jesus,” he swore. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”
This time I didn’t blush or turn away. I just squeezed him through the jeans he strained against.
He groaned out in frustration. “No, William. Not here. Come on.” He pulled me to stand. I allowed him to pull me up but that didn’t stop me from going back to his neck to lick and suck. I fondled the button of his jeans. I had to feel the length of him against my palm. It practically itched with the need.
I felt the buzz from the earlier drinks. I felt the post-panic-attack rush of adrenaline. I felt my lust for him burning me up from the inside out. All of it. I was completely out of control and it felt so nice to be so out of my head.
“Stop.” His voice was firm enough to cut through the haze. I dropped my hand and lowered my forehead to his shoulder, panting. “Just stop, man.”
Shame crept back into my senses.
“I’m not strong enough to be the bigger person here,” he said with a huff of a laugh.
I buried my face deeper into his neck, not ready to see him. Not ready to feel the pity of his gaze.
