Off Limits (The Limits Series Book 1), page 20
“I’m pretty free until Saturday. Heath and Jay are coming back Friday. They’re talking about a party of some sort. You two are welcome to tag along.” We’ve already talked about the party. We’re going to try to convince Chelsea to go, not that it’ll be too difficult. Chelsea loves a good party.
“Yeah, sure. If I can convince this one over here.” She juts her chin toward me. I’m the one who’s harder to convince. But I’m on the inside now.
I shrug. “I don’t know, sounds like it could be fun. May be good to get used to some parties before we leave in August.”
Chelsea glances up at me, her mouth slightly open. “Have you been replaced by a clone or something?”
“What? No. I thought you’d be happy. You’re not having to pull my arm for once.”
“I am. I’m just shocked. What’s gotten into you?”
I notice Lochlyn smirk, catching my attention, as he mouths me. I grit my teeth to try to bite down the heat snaking up my spine.
Chelsea turns her head to look up at him. “Can I bring my boyfriend?”
“Uh, I guess. Brian? Or something.” I know he’s just giving her a hard time and is fully aware of his real name.
She rolls her eyes. “Brendan.”
“Right. Brendan. Um, yeah, I don’t see why not. You know the guys, always thinking the more, the better.”
“Where is this party going to be, exactly?”
“I don’t know. Not our house. That was my only requirement. They said something about the woods? I don’t plan, I just attend.” Lochlyn raises his hands in peace.
I feel slightly awkward as we stand around the parking lot. My body is longing to be against Lochlyn, but Chelsea’s right here. She’s making small talk, eating at my time to be close to him. I’m more interested in spending time with him than with her.
Our reunion isn’t what I had built up in my mind. I’d had fantasies about him coming back, me running into his arms as he kissed me. I know how silly it seems, and unlikely since there’s nowhere we can be public about it, but as it actually happened, it seems so anticlimactic. There’s no grand reunion, just stealing glances and touches while making small talk in a parking lot.
I want her to go away and leave us alone. And I hate myself for it. In sixteen years of friendship, I had never lied or hid anything from Chelsea. Until the night Lochlyn kissed me. I’ve been lying to her ever since. It would ruffle my insides and eat away at me more if I wasn’t so happy.
“This is perfect. I was going to head over to Brendan’s after dropping Shay off at home. Loch, would you mind?” She turns to me. “That okay?”
I raise my eyebrows. Have I willed this into existence? "Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Not a problem, Chels. Have fun.”
Chelsea puts her hand on Lochlyn’s arm and skips off. We watch her golden ponytail bob away until she’s out of sight. I’m in his arms in seconds, my cheek pressed against his chest.
“I missed you,” he murmurs against my hair.
“I missed you too.” I can’t pull myself away to even look at him. In this moment, all I want is to feel him against me, to hear his heart beating, to breathe him in.
He gently pushes my shoulders back, tilts my chin up, and kisses me softly. My eyes widen. “What if somebody sees and tells Chelsea?”
One shoulder lifts as if it’s no big deal. “We’ll lie. Or, ya know, actually tell her the truth. We’re running out of time for that.”
I frown back at him. “We’ve been doing enough of that, don’t you think?” I choose to ignore his ludicrous suggestion of telling her the truth. I know time’s not on my side, but now that I’m so deep in it, I can’t see a safe way out.
“Let’s get out of here so I can kiss you how and where I want to.” The familiar sensation of wanting stirs between my thighs.
He opens the door for me, fingers grazing my lower back as I slide into the seat. Once he’s in the car, he leans across the middle and kisses me again, hand reaching behind my head to pull me closer, mouth parting mine.
Separating with a smile on his face as he adjusts his pants, he starts the car. Once we’re out of the parking lot, he laces his fingers through mine, bringing my hand to his lips.
“Hey, turn this up.” He juts his chin toward the radio.
My eyebrows scrunch. “Why can’t you?”
He holds up our hands. “I’m not letting go anytime soon. Come on, hurry up.”
Reaching forward, I spin the dial, cranking the radio, a Breaking Benjamin song filling the car. Lochlyn’s fingers drum against the steering wheel.
His fun, easy-going personality shines through and makes me smile. I’d always watched from the sidelines, not sure how he lived that way when I analyzed everything I did both before and after I did it. But now I’m part of it. I’m part of his fun, carefree life. He’s shown me how to let go, at least a little. To enjoy the moments for what they are.
When Chelsea had noticed the shift in me, she’d questioned it. I just told her I was getting ready for college, that I wanted to be more fun and embrace the experience, like she’s always telling me. She’d let it go, not asking more questions. But what I’m really embracing is Lochlyn and his influence on me.
His carefree attitude is surface level, though. People think he just breezes through his life, not taking anything seriously. But he works hard and studies a lot. It absolutely astounds me how whip smart he is. Sometimes I’m convinced he knows everything. And just like anybody else, he overthinks and worries about a lot of things, but he just doesn’t let it bother him on the surface. It’s because he wants to make the most of his life, and that includes having fun.
For years, he’d made Chelsea his priority, taking care of her while their parents were gone. Then there’s the whole path ordeal, the plan for his life that’s laid out for him. In between those things, he’s striving for happiness, for joy. If that means blasting music while cruising down the highway, he’s going to do it. If that means getting tattoos, he’s going to do it. If that means lying to his sister to be with me, he’s going to do it.
His parents don’t care anymore. As long as he stays the course, gets good grades, they feel like he can do whatever he wants.
“Hey, where are we going?” We just drove past the turnoff to head home.
“Somewhere special.” As he looks at me with raised eyebrows and a smile on his face, I melt into my leather seat.
We drive with the music blaring for close to twenty minutes before Lochlyn turns onto a gravel driveway. On both sides of the car are sprawling fields, green and lush, that seem to go on for miles. What appear to be tennis courts and a playground are off to one side. The river is right ahead of us, sun shining and reflecting off the gentle waves. It’s clearly a park of some sort, but one I’ve never been to.
He parks under some trees, car pointing toward the river. It’s breathtakingly beautiful; the greenery mixed with the sparkling sunlight, especially as it peeks through the trees, sending glints of light in every direction.
“Nice spot. Bring a lot of girls here?” I tease with a smile. It’s the perfect make-out spot. At least.
“Ha. No. Actually, I’ve never brought anybody here.” His eyes lock on mine as he rubs his fingers across his lower lip.
“Why are you nervous?”
He drops his hand immediately. “I’m not.”
I huff, tilting my head to the side.
“Okay, maybe a little. I don’t know. This place, it’s…special to me. It’s really calming and quiet, peaceful. I come here a lot when I just need to be alone or need to think.”
“I don’t know why that makes you nervous. Do you not want to show me?”
“No, of course I do. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I know what I’ve thought about here.”
For a moment, I wonder if I should question what he thought about or let it lie. I choose the latter.
After another minute of hesitation, Lochlyn gets out of the car. With no instructions or invitation, I do the same, but slowly, unsure if he wants me to join him. When he walks to my side of the car and loops his arm around my waist, I know I made the right choice.
I immediately sense what he means about it being calming and peaceful. Even though the playground is full of children, you really can’t hear them here. Puffing some hair out of my eyes as it floats around my face in the gentle breeze off the river, my muscles start to loosen, my shoulders lowering.
Lochlyn hasn’t said anything. It’s not until he sits on the grass, pulling me to sit between his knees, my back against his chest, that he does.
Reaching around me to pick some grass, he speaks for the first time since we got out of the car. “I found this park about three years ago. My parents had left on another trip and Chelsea was driving me nuts. I felt stuck and lost. I was really mad at my parents for leaving me home, again, with her. I was a teenager, that was their job. At first, I’d been happy they trusted me enough. That was when I thought it’d be the one trip. Or maybe once a year. Not once a month.
“I think I had just found out Chelsea lost her virginity or something. I felt like I’d failed. That it was my fault because I was the one home with her. On some level, I think I knew that she was just rebelling because our parents weren’t around. Which just made me even angrier at them. What was so wrong with us? Why didn’t they want to be around? I know Chelsea’s a pain in the ass, and I certainly have my flaws. My dad was less than pleased when the rumors reached his ears.” I shift slightly at the mention of those rumors.
“He had said that I was painting the family in a bad light, that it wouldn’t reflect well for me and certainly didn’t reflect well on him. He didn’t even ask me if they were true. Though, really, I knew what he would say. ‘If enough people say the same thing, it may as well be true.’ He’d always said that about the firm’s reviews.” He tears at the grass in his hands. If I could see his face right now, I know it would be drawn, brows cinched together and jaw tight.
“I remember sitting here and trying to find some light. Something to make things easier, less difficult. I mean, I was eighteen and in charge of a wild sixteen-year-old. Instead of being thanked for the things I did to take care of her, I was condemned for the things I did to live my life.” Angrily, he rips the rest of the grass apart. I haven’t said a word as he talks, knowing he needs to get it all out, but I don’t want to let the anger build. I tilt my head and kiss his jaw, getting a tight smile in return.
“I was never able to stay for long, not trusting Chelsea to leave her for more than an hour or two. Your parents were great then, a huge help, but they worked late. I’ll never forget when I got back. You and Chelsea were in her room and you were arguing, sort of. It was that quiet arguing you’ve always done with her, where you make your points known firmly but don’t actually raise your voice. How you keep your patience with her, I’ll never know.
“But I heard you chastising her. Telling her she was way too young, she was being stupid, she wasn’t really in love. All the things I’d thought of saying to her, you already were. That was when I realized, you are the light.” My eyes flutter shut as warmth floods my chest, making my pulse race. His lips find the spot at my neck and graze against it lightly.
“I’d wanted to be with you for a little while at that point, often in ways I’m not proud of, though I wouldn’t have acted on. But that was when I decided I needed you to be a bigger part of my life. More than just my sister’s best friend and my…I don’t know, sort of friend?” His inability to define what we had before makes me feel better, as I’ve never quite known what to call it either.
“I know there’s all those stories, rumors, whatever. I’m not going to deny I had my share of…fun. But you know me. You’ve always known me. I hope you can know that they’re not true. I need you to understand that I’m serious about you, about being with you. I don’t know, I guess I just feel like it’s important to remind you before going into the summer. It’s going to be really hard trying to be together with everything going on and everybody being home. A week here, a weekend there, is one thing. A whole summer is very different.”
“I mean, one rumor is pretty true.” He tilts his head down to look at me. “You are amazing in bed.” I shake against his chest as he smiles and laughs. Bending down, he presses his lips to mine.
I keep my head back against his shoulder as we stare out at the shimmering river, my forehead resting against his jaw.
“I’m worried about summer. I’m not going to lie.” Not sure where I’m taking this, I start hesitantly, just speaking what’s on my mind. “I know it’s going to be hard. Ten weeks is a long time to keep a secret. It’s not as new now, we’re even more comfortable with each other. There are going to be so many times we want to just be close and sit, maybe even just like this, but can’t.” A heavy breath heaves from my chest as I try to wrap my head around the reality of it.
“Chelsea asked for reduced hours at the store too.”
He hangs his head, sighing.
“I know. She did say she wants to spend a lot of the time with Brendan since she’ll be leaving at the end of summer, but it will be harder to know exactly where she is or what time she’ll be finished. Since I get to make the schedule, I’ll know some hours for sure, but she’ll get suspicious if I have a lot of those times opposite her.”
“We’ll certainly have our work cut out for us. But that was why I wanted to tell you all that. You’re worth it. I’ll figure out anything I have to, to have that time with you. And just be prepared that I’m going to sneak as many little touches as I can.” His nose is in my hair as he speaks low in my ear.
I curl into him as need twists through me. “I’m okay with that.”
Staring straight ahead, he rests his cheek against my temple. “Ever change your mind about telling her?”
“We’ve been over this. I’d love to tell her, stop hiding, stop lying. But she’ll flip out. I don’t even want to think about what she’d say or do. I can’t risk it. I know it’s foolish of me, cowardly even, but I’m too far down this road now. I have to keep going, there is no U-turn.” The mere thought causes my limbs to tremble. However it comes out, as I know it will, it’s going to be messy.
“Well, we can’t do this forever. You’ll be in the same room next year. You’re welcome at my place all the time. In fact, I’ll insist, but she’ll wonder why you’re not in your room.”
“I know. I know we have to say something. I just, I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. I’m certainly not prepared for the inevitable fallout.”
“Why do we let her control our lives? Control this?”
Pressing my mouth into a hard line, I think for a moment. I’ve asked myself the same thing more than a dozen times, especially recently. “Because she’s Chelsea. It’s easier to give her what she wants. As frustrating and annoying and selfish as she can be, she has a good heart, and it’s in the right place. She’s always been there for me. Maybe she doesn’t do things for me or the way I’d prefer them, if you remember my party, but she didn’t hesitate to put her life on hold for me. And while it was still a party she appreciated, she had the thought to give me one, to take some time to celebrate me. She sat with me every day when my dad was sick. She’s even offered to drive me to the cemetery, to sit with me. She’s just…she’s Chelsea.”
“Yeah, yeah. I guess she is. Do you remember when I was a junior, so you would have been a freshman, and I was really sick for a week? I could barely get out of bed, I was so weak. High fever, body aches. Chelsea brought me soup, juice, and Advil every day when she got home from school. I know she hadn’t made the soup herself since she could barely boil water, but she brought it to me. Sat with me and made sure I ate, told me stories about school and how her day was. Talked about you. Mostly she just kept me company, made sure I was okay.” His voice is wistful as he thinks back on the memory.
“She may be a pain in the ass, but she’s a good person. And a lot of that has to do with you.”
His brows are knit together, eyes scrunched in confusion as he looks down at me. “Me? How?”
“Lochlyn, look at everything you did for her. I mean, those are some pretty formative years and your parents basically just decided they didn’t want to be parents anymore. She could have fallen way off the deep end. But she didn’t. You’re her older brother. Who you are helped shape who she is just by showing her how to be. You’ve always been a good person. Kind, generous, caring. Protective. You’re smart as hell, which obviously didn’t translate quite as much, but Chelsea’s still smart. She just doesn’t have the same drive you do. Studying with her this year was a nightmare.”
Does he really not see the influence he’s had on her? How much he’s affected her life in the best ways?
“I can only imagine. She still thinks I didn’t do much while our parents were gone.” Though he tries to hide it, I sense the hurt in his tone.
“That’s her problem. And I’ve always told her that. She’s always kind of put herself first, but things really changed when your parents started traveling. I think she took it harder than we realize.”
“Has she ever said anything?”
“Not a thing. Which is kind of surprising because we know how much she loves to talk about herself. But even if I bring it up, she changes the subject. Quickly. That’s how I know there’s more to it. There are deep feelings there.”
Silence overtakes us again as we let our thoughts on Chelsea linger.
“God, I so don’t want to turn into my dad.” His voice comes out just above a whisper.
“Lochlyn. Are you serious?” My voice is soft and shrouded in shock.
He hangs his head so his forehead rests against my shoulder. “I’m set up for that life, Shay. Cornell, law school, place at his firm. He wasn’t always how he is now. We used to do stuff together as a family, families even.”
