Two Roads Back Together, page 20
Shy hung up the phone.
Chapter 18
“Come on in.” Rihannon motioned Shy into her home.
“I’m not planning to stay long. I wanted to drop off the shirt I borrowed for the ball last week,” Shy said, handing it over.
“You didn’t have to go through the trouble of dry cleaning it.”
“I wanted to. It was pretty sweaty after my speech.”
“Oh. Well thank you.”
In the awkward silence, Shy stepped backward from the front door. “Well, it’s late, I should get going.”
“It’s just seven o’clock. The sun is still out.” Rihannon pointed out her back deck window. “Shy, I really would like for you to come in and stay for a bit. Is that alright?”
Shy grimaced as they looked at their watch and realized they actually had nothing planned for the rest of the evening and therefore no legitimate excuses. Being with Rihannon was still uncomfortable. The conversation in her office they had yet to talk about, her probing inquiries behind closed doors, and knowing Rihannon knew what Shy had really been saying on that stage—it was all too much. Yet still, with all that had transpired, Shy’s attraction for Rihannon never wavered. A tiny part of Shy held on to the impossible chance of melting within Rihannon’s embrace. A chance to experience a kind of time measured by the soft splashes of a single pebble skipping endlessly across the grandest lake, a sentiment of forever.
Shy had continued to show growth through inklings of courage. As they began to accept Sebastian, Shy was making room for him to have a more visible presence in their life forward. The notion of living authentically suddenly became tangible and attainable to Shy. More than anything else, Shy was determined to push through this change, to embrace all that comes with it. They had come to believe that they had nothing more to lose.
As for how they really felt about Rihannon, it would take time for Shy to come around. Now, Sebastian, on the other hand was another story. But for now, Shy's trepidation guided them to keep things cordial and professional, limiting time alone with Rihannon.
Now, however, sitting on Rihannon’s living room couch with the setting sun casting its glow, just the two of them in Rihannon’s personal space—perhaps it’s been a mistake to visit Rihannon’s home. Shy picked up a hint of light, sweet musk perfume, the kind that was perfect for the cooler seasons. Rihannon lightly tapped Shy’s knee, leaving her hand in place for what seemed like an eternity. The sparking embers of anger quickly gave way to the zestful and rising flame of attraction. Although Shy intended to come in only to confront a grievance, their heart clearly had its own set of desires.
“Hey. Are you in there?” Rihannon playfully chided.
“Huh?” Shy realized they were in their head. “Yeah, sorry. You say something?”
“I asked if you wanted a glass of water. Or an adult beverage.” Rihannon smiled.
“Yeah, I’ll take any beer you have.”
“Got it.” Rihannon popped up to the kitchen and the pleasant fragrance swirled around Shy.
Wait. I see what is happening here. Nope, not gonna happen. She owes you an apology, a real one this time. Shy shook their head to clear the fog of allure. Don’t let her off the hook.
Shy stood sharply and walked to the kitchen. What are you hesitating for? Tell. Her. Rihannon was square inside Shy’s view, pulling a chilled Heineken from the refrigerator. When Shy opened their mouth, their cotton tongue stuck to the roof of their mouth. Their throat became constricted as they tried to speak. Breathe, Shy. You’re not that meek, scared person anymore. Old Shy would have swallowed their anger and pretended things were fine. But new Shy? New Shy had promised themselves to live authentically; this uncomfortable feeling of confronting a wrong was all part of the journey. Respect yourself, Shy. Tell her.
Rihannon turned and jumped. “Geez, Shy. I didn’t hear you come in here.”
A reticent Shy blushed and stood unsure of what to say next. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Oh my god, don’t you back down now, Shy. You know what? Move. Sebastian punched through the doors, knocking Shy on their backside. I got this.
“I didn’t appreciate what you did that day in your office, before my leave. I know it’s been a few weeks since then but I find that I’m still upset and I want to address it,” Sebastian delivered with authority.
Rihannon looked at Shy, then slowly turned to grab another bottle for herself. She walked around the island and, handing the chilled beer to Shy, said, “Ok. Let’s talk about it on the couch.”
The sun was now almost a distant memory, with only dark purple hues giving a hint that it was once there. An on-demand movie was playing on Rihannon’s flatscreen, the volume low. Shy could see it was a chick flick. While not their preferred genre, the young actress in the movie easily attracted Shy’s attention as they studied the scene. The two officers sat on the long couch and drank their beers for a moment before Rihannon set hers down on the glass coffee table.
Shy started. “When you questioned my sexuality, I felt betrayed and, frightened. Up until that moment, I had convinced myself that I was being careful. Clearly I hadn't,” Shy nodded, never taking their eyes off her. "And that is my fault."
Rihannon nodded, her face showing remorse. “Shy, it was never my intention to—”
“Let me finish—,” Shy interjected. “At this point, what is done is done. That can't happen again."
Shy’s disimpassioned tone caused Rihannon to stammer a bit, searching for the right response. She looked at Shy, who returned a stern gaze without even a blink, and cupped her right hand over her heart. “Shy, I sincerely apologize for my actions. I can see that I hurt you. I’m really sorry.”
“I've always placed my duties as an officer above my own. And I love being a soldier, more then anything. I want you to know that.” Shy paused. “That said, I do accept your apology.”
“Thank you.” Rihannon glanced down in her lap before grabbing the beer and taking a sip. The two exchanged a few words before the topic changed. “You know Shy, you might not see it, but you’ve made quite the transformation since I’ve met you.
“Your speech, it was absolutely courageous and beautiful. I loved how you spoke from your heart. I wish I could be as brave as you." Shy's eyebrows raised, still listening to Rihannon.
“Since I can remember, I’ve tried to fit a certain image, whether it was one set by my mother, society, or my career. I’ve always struggled with my heritage and the idea of not being enough. I suppose everyone has a little something they aren’t secure about. As you said in your speech, by not living to our own set of values and truth, we can lose so much of our potential. I’ve never given myself permission to just be myself or to be different, like embracing my curly hair that has a mind of its own and puffs straight up in the heat. I’ve never given myself room to love my quirks and imperfections. And I’ve never allowed myself to love with no bounds.
“Watching you gave me a path forward to start my own inner journey. Thank you for being an example, for the students… and, me.” Shy truly appreciated Rihannon's authenticity in the moment.
Rihannon took another sip of the room-temperature beer and stood up. “Would you like another?”
“No, thank you. It's getting late and I have to drive back.”
“You sure? You’re more than welcome to stay here.” Rihannon zipped around the corner into the kitchen. Shy could hear the clanging of the bottles as they dropped into a bin. The lid shut.
“I guess I’ll stay for a little longer. Then I have to go.”
“Okay, no pressure.” Rihannon smiled and handed Shy another beer.
Shy focused on the TV. The Notebook was playing, that enthralling movie about a young couple, Noah and Allie, in North Carolina during the 1940s. After a few minutes, Shy was hooked, even watching through Rihannon’s steady interruptions. After a moment, Rihannon chuckled and asked, “Have you never seen The Notebook?”
“No, never.”
“Oh my gosh, I absolutely fell in love with the book. The movie’s not bad, which surprised me. Books are always better, you know.” Shy remained absorbed, their eyes never left the screen. “Well, let me turn it up,” Rihannon offered.
They both listened, as Noah pleaded to Allie stop living her life for other people but just do what was right for her, even if the people she loved were hurt by it.
“That’s my favorite part,” Rihannon said. Shy couldn’t help the thought that Noah was directly talking to them. It was another clear sign.
Buzz, buzz. Rihannon’s phone rang and she paused the movie to pick it up. “Shy, can you get my notepad from inside the drawer next to you?” Rihannon asked. “There should be a pen in there too.”
“Yeah.” Shy quickly reached over to pull the drawer open to retrieve the item. “Okay, I got something to write with,” Rihannon said as she scribbled. “Alright, Ma. I got the address. I’ll call them tomorrow to track the package.”
Shy managed a grin even as a deep ache throbbed under their heart. “Your mother checks on you too.”
“Every day.”
They both laughed. Rihannon leaned back on the couch. She was gorgeous, her eyes languid in relaxation, her movements graceful. “Do you regret anything, in general, about your life?” Rihannon asked softly.
Shy thought for a moment. The obvious regret was sitting in front of them. Shy’s attraction to Rihannon has waxed and waned over the few years they’d known each other. They had always been attracted to Rihannon's poise and playfulness, as well as her sternness and sympathetic nature, though they tried to hide it.
Shy had walked a fine line between what was right according to the rules of the workplace and what felt right according to their heart. And here they were, once again flirting with that invisible barrier between friends and something more.
Shy—no, Sebastian—was swooning under Rihannon’s long-lashed gaze and teasing smile. Is she flirting with us? Wait, can we trust her? You know what, I don’t care.
“I mean, I might have one or two regrets.” Shy's mind twirled with so many thoughts, but one overtook anything else: it would be a regret to never kiss those perfect lips.
“I do too,” Rihannon said, sitting up. Shy could feel the warmth of Rihannon’s arm that was mere inches away from their own. “I regret that day in my office. But not for the reasons you think, Shy. I shouldn’t have tried to make you come out when you weren’t ready to tell me, but I mostly regret that I might have screwed up my chance to see what this is between us.”
Shy could no longer hold themselves back. They could feel the impulsive Sebastian surging forward, but Shy wanted this, too. So they graciously stepped out of their own way. For once, they would just live.
Shy leaned towards Rihannon. No thinking, just instinct. No contemplation of rejection or doubt. Shy felt confident and secure. Rihannon’s calmness made Shy even more sure as they moved closer and Rihannon stood her ground, never pulling away. Shy had found themselves here once before, that early evening in Rihannon’s office, as the setting sun controlled the ethereal mood.
But this time, Shy would ensure they maintained control.
Rihannon pulled forward just enough that Shy felt the warmth between them. They silenced the part of them who knew this was not the right step and that kissing their boss, who was female, in this political climate, could spell a heap of trouble.
But then Rihannon’s fingertips gently reached towards Shy’s face and then crawled, cupping the back of Shy’s neck. Sebastian spun like a top. With unrestrained impulse, Shy relented to the soft pull of Rihannon’s hand, as their lips touched in a gentle kiss.
“I amend my earlier statement,” Shy said, looking into Rihannon’s eyes. “I have zero regrets.”
As Rihannon spoke, her glossed lips brushed Shy’s in a smile. “Good.”
It was a perfect moment as the last hint of light glistened in the dusty skies and a single bugle blared distantly. On cue, the two warming companions froze in close stares as a nod of respect to the flag they couldn’t see. It was lights out for the soldiers bedding down on the post, last goodbyes to fallen heroes worldwide, and the mark of another day gone. The crystal rings of the long, brass notes drew floods of emotions. With its last note hovering in the air, savoring the final moments before forever disappearing into dark silence, Shy was moved by its tenderness and homage.
Chapter 19
“Dou-ble TIME!” a voice pierced through the still silence cueing a response. “Dou-ble time!” A small group of lanky soldiers belted in unison, their long morning run about to begin.
The sergeant’s voice boomed again. “March!”
While the squad ran past the window of the commander's office, Shy softly sang along, “When that left foot hits the ground…”
Shy kept their focus outside watching groups of soldiers run by. Patiently, they sat there with their pressed work uniform, polished boots, a short low fade haircut, and short and neat nails. It was always a little nerve-wracking to meet with the commander, especially on a day like today. It wasn’t a typical meeting and Shy didn’t know how the commander would respond. But even with the butterflies, they knew in their heart that this was the right decision.
While waiting for the commander to return, Shy surveyed the room and gazed at the banner overhead that read: DUTY, HONOR, COUNTRY. Shy’s gaze usually glossed over most of the pictures and items on the walls but this time they were drawn to a young-looking man. It was the commander wearing a rugby uniform—no doubt captain of the squad—towering over his teammates with a wide smile and a full head of thick sandy brown hair which tapered along the sides. The wall behind the commander’s desk showcased a large painting of a young boyish figure leaning outside a window frame as the focal point. Shy finally had a chance to really admire it since the last meeting in the commander’s office. Shy appreciated reality art; apparently, the commander did too.
In looking at all the plaques and accolades, Shy suddenly realized the office only portrayed one side of the commander. According to this room, his world was uniquely one-dimensional, heavy on snapshots in uniform, proclaiming twenty-five years dedicated to the military. From what Shy could tell, the commander was a typical midwesterner with a conservative upbringing. Shy took in his advanced degrees in International Security Affairs from Ohio University, and one certificate from an Ohio seminary school. But they also noticed what wasn’t there. There were no pictures of Christmas or holidays, no family pictures with kids on bikes, no images of vacations taken outside of Army life. Not one thing. Did he have a life outside the Army, people who loved him, hobbies he enjoyed?
Then again, did Shy?
The clock struck zero seven hundred hours. Cannons boomed. The running formations, directly outside the commander’s office, stopped to a dead halt at the command of the platoon sergeant. “Quick time, march!” the sergeant yelled. The formation slowed down to a quick march as the young soldiers caught their breath.
As the music played, the entire post froze and saluted the flag being raised up the Battalion Headquarters flag pole.
As soon as the last note faded, the sergeant yelled again. “Ordered arms! Right, face! Forward… march! Double-time!” And the platoon regained their morning run.
The post resumed its morning activities as Lieutenant Colonel McGown returned to the office. Shy instinctively snapped to the position of attention and was directed to retake their seat.
In a single motion, the commander opened the blinds, though he did keep them lowered for the sake of propriety and privacy. He took a seat behind his desk and pulled his glasses from their case. “Thanks for your patience. Now, let’s remind ourselves why we’re meeting, eh?” He slid the glasses onto his face and read the freshly printed paper, his half-smile quickly falling. He looked up at Shy. “So. You are considering resigning your service as an officer due to conduct unbecoming of an officer which is in violation of Department of Defense Directive 1304.26, also known as the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy. Is this correct?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I see.” He gave Shy a concerning look. “Is your mind made up, captain, or would you mind talking more about this with me?”
“I’ve made up my mind, sir,” Shy said, but the commander clearly heard the hesitance in their voice.
He came around the large, authoritative desk, like a king descending from his throne to sit among mere commoners. He pulled his glasses off as he sat in the unadorned chair directly across from Shy.
“Have you talked to anyone about this? It’s a pretty big decision, by the way.”
Shy whipped him a displeasing look before quickly adjusting to a more muted expression.
He raised his hands. “I’m not saying you can’t figure it out on your own. After all, you’re clearly a brilliant officer; you’re my number one instructor in this unit. What I’m saying is I don’t want you to make a choice that you may regret later on down the line.”
“I understand. To answer your question simply, sir, no. I haven’t talked to anyone. This is a personal decision and one I’ve been contemplating since joining the military.”
“Shy, what are you, twenty-eight? Twenty-nine?”
“Thirty-two, sir.”
“Where are you from again?”
“L.A, sir.”
“Los Angeles. I bet it’s nice out there. Did you play sports in college?”
“Yes, sir. I played division one soccer until I broke my leg. That’s when I joined Army ROTC and competed for a scholarship with the program to finish out my final two years at Ohio State.” Shy kept their hands flat on their knees, sat upright, and faced the commander.
He raised an eyebrow in mock shock. “You’re a Buckeye?!”
“Yes, sir.”
“My entire family went to Ohio State,” the commander said companionably. “I was the only one that decided to do something different and try the Academy. West Point was a good decision for me; so many opportunities sprang from that experience.” He looked at Shy attentively, and Shy fought the urge to fidget. “Shy… do you mind if I talk to you person to person? Let’s just remove the formalities for a bit.”
