Two Roads Back Together, page 17
“Wait a minute, peppermint plants are green,” Evelyn said.
Pops chuckled. “You’re right. When I went back to the nursery to show the plant to the grower, he laughed me into the ground. Come to find out, Mr. Garrett’s seeds were not peppermint seeds but Coleus seeds. They’re both in the same family. But even though the Coleus can thrive indoors, certain species of it superthrive in a sunlit environment. That’s where their true potential is realized.
“Where I went wrong is that I had made up my mind that those seeds were peppermint seeds. Not once did I think Mr. Garrett’s plant could be something else. So I fixated on it being a peppermint plant, and treated it like a peppermint plant, and it wasn’t able to reach its potential. When I treated Garrett’s plant like a Coleus plant, it gave me color. It gave me vibrancy. It gave me its true essence. That lesson always stuck with me.” Pops looked at Evelyn gently. “Ms. Cole, I believe things happen for a reason. Do you?”
“Yes, I believe all things are the way God intends,” Evelyn said., “even if we don’t understand why at the time.”
“Okay then. I think there’s a reason I was in Shy’s life back then. I allowed Shy space to be themselves, or at least begin the process of figuring it out. You mentioned you can tell there’s tension in your relationship right now. Do you really know who Shy is? Or are you stuck on your version of Shy?” Pops gestured to the garden. “It’s no different from my assumption about Mr. Garrett’s plant seeds. My assumption was wrong. I think it’s best that we allow Shy the chance to tell us who they are as they figure it out for themselves. Things are rocky now, but that’s because Shy’s still figuring it all out.”
“What exactly are they figuring out?” Evelyn folded her hands in her lap.
“Well, I don’t know everything but I at least know a few things that are on their mind. For starters, is the Army still a valid, fulfilling career for them? Are they going to now live openly? Will they ever be truly happy? Will they make amends with you, who I know loves you dearly?”
“I wouldn’t for a million years have thought my child and I would be at odds. I’ve never been so torn up inside. That feeling of losing your child and not knowing what to do, nor have any way to fix what seems broken…” Evelyn’s frame seemed to sink further into the cushioned chair. “Will things get better? I pray for guidance, for a sign of hope, but He hasn’t responded.”
“Are you sure of that?”
Pops’ question hung in the air as the sounds of dancing, the smells of barbecued meat, and the chatter of the neighborhood surrounded Evelyn in the drifting afternoon. Perhaps, He had answered her prayers. She could almost feel His presence and abundant love in this moment—it was in the community, in His growing creations strewn about her, and in this woman before her. This woman, whom Evelyn had cast as a villain in her memories; this woman, who had always represented the beginning of the rift between Evelyn and Shy; this woman, who spoke gentle truths that Evelyn desperately needed to hear, even though she halfway didn’t wish to listen. Everything happens for a reason wasn’t just a platitude to Evelyn but a lived truth. What other truths would she discover on this personal journey to full acceptance?
As she looked around the small garden on the back patio deck, Evelyn’s eyes caught on the Coleus tree. “It’s hard to believe that this was once a tiny plant.” Evelyn kept looking at the tree. “How is it even possible?”
“The same way anything grows—with care and patience. As mothers, we are the growers, Ms. Cole. Our job is to drop the seeds into the ground and water them. Prune them. Guide them. That is our divine duty. Our children are destined to find their own way, but we must be patient.” Pops nodded to the book in Evelyn’s lap, the book she’d almost forgotten about. Evelyn glanced down and rubbed her finger over the title What We Can Learn from the Coleus Tree. “Will this help me grow a tree as beautiful as yours?”
“You already have.”
Pops reached over and gently pulled the book from Evelyn’s grasp. As she opened the jacket, flipped through a few pages, then pulled out a sharpie from her shirt pocket and began scribbling. She then placed the tiny white envelope, from earlier, into the book and closed it flat, handing it to Evelyn.
Evelyn silently read the message: The hardest part is just letting the Coleus grow. She reached out to squeeze Pops’ hand with a smile. “Thank you. I want you to know I’m deeply sorry for my actions in the past. I do hope that you may forgive me and we can move forward.”
“Ms. Cole, you will always have nothing but my respect.”
“Everything alright back here?” Kris burst through the back patio, his hands full with plates of food. “Didn’t want to interrupt anything, but I figured you ladies might be gettin’ hungry. Plus, they were getting down to the last cheddar hot links and you promised you’d try some, Ms. Cole.”
“Thank you, young blood,” Pops said. “That was thoughtful.” Kris passed out the plates and they trio settled in for a meal. And as the sky slowly turned to dusk and the drumbeats played across the street, her heart was full.
Later, much later, when the sky was fully dark and she was back in her comfortable home, Evelyn sat at the table, staring at the blank stationery paper that had waited for her use, untouched for weeks. The TV played softly in the background, mixing with the hum of crickets and the sounds of cars driving by. She rolled the silver fountain pen between her fingers, back and forth. As she stared at the cream-colored page, she was compelled to pour out her thoughts, which had been percolating in her all day. Her mind replayed Mother Erickson's thoughtful advice. Evelyn remembered the beautiful lessons she had learned as she visualized the Coleus tree at Pops' bookstore. But where to begin? Evelyn knew how to write lovely thank you notes and invitations, how to pen cordial letters to family, and create precise, engaging notes for the church bulletin, but this, this was out of her depth.
She gazed once more at the mantelpiece, the one showing Shy perched in the old elm, smiling wide for all to see. Evelyn felt an answering smile on her face. She could do this, truly. Like anything worth doing, all one had to do was begin at the beginning and take one step at a time.
Pen to paper, she allowed her emotions to curl and glide onto the stationary.
My Dearest Child,
If I could rewind the hands of time, I would.
That would be my only wish. That I might have another chance to tightly embrace you and whisper, without waver, that everything is going to be alright, my child.
Over the years, I reared you no differently than my own mother reared me. Like her, I wanted to teach you the softer aspects of being a woman and prepare you for motherhood. At the time, this seemed right. But, now, I can't help but wonder how my actions, whether intentional or not, must have played a part in us standing further apart.
I never meant for my actions to have strained what is most precious to me — your happiness. I realized that somehow I became blinded to the most important things right in front of me. It pains me to know that you felt alone, scared, and misunderstood for so long.
In spite of this, you’ve still managed to own who you are. It took a lot of courage for you to share your deepest secret with me, that day, in the restaurant. Admittedly, your truth and the degree of clarity to which you spoke stung me at first. In fact, I struggled to accept it. Because to do so, meant I had to let go and let you find your own way. No matter how how much it differed from my own desires. For this, I apologize.
While we stand at this crossroad, I have faith that we will rise to the occasion. We are growing for the better. And, it is with hope, that, we may grow back together once again.
My loving child, I will never lay to rest the honor of being your mother, nor will I ever relinquish God’s greatest gift of loving you. If I have not made it clear:
I hear you. I see you. I accept you. Every bit of you, my beautiful child.
Unequivocally. Unconditionally. No matter what.
Lovingly,
Mom
Evelyn carefully wrote her child’s name across the top of the envelope as she waited for the ink to dry. A slight tremor whispered across her fingers as she folded the now-dry page and sealed the letter to be delivered to Shy. She could only hope her words would make things right.
PART THREE
Chapter 15
“So you’re back,” Shy said, looking up from their office computer. “Apparently I didn’t scare you off after our last meeting when I suggested you for a class leadership role.”
Captain Cameron Johnson chuckled. “Nah, you didn’t scare me, ma’am.”
“Well good. How are your test assignments coming along since our last meeting? Do you feel like you’re grasping the concepts?”
“Good. I got an eighty on my last test.”
“That’s great, Cam.”
“The template you shared really helped. I feel much more confident with the material.”
“I’m happy to hear that you’re progressing in our advanced courses. We need talented officers like you to stick around. By the way, are you planning to attend the Winter Ball this week?”
“Well,” Cam said, shuffling her feet, “that’s why I wanted to see you, ma’am. I’m not sure I should go to the ball.”
“Something wrong?”
“Ma’am, I’ll be honest with you. I’m thinking about resigning from my commission.”
Shy stared at the younger officer in shock. Cam stood very still and looked Shy directly in their eyes. “Captain Johnson, are you sure? I know you had a few hiccups in your studies, but you’re doing well now.”
“It’s not that. It’s just… with everything that’s going on, I don’t feel like the Army is the right place for me.”
“You want to tell me what you're thinking? How can I help you?”
“It’s hard to talk about, ma’am.”
Shy looked at Cam’s conflicted face, got up and closed the classroom door. “It’s just me and you in here, Cam.”
The cannons fired and Reveille blared through the windows. As it played, Shy tried to quickly think through their approach to this conversation. Cam had been one of their students for less than a year. In that time, Shy saw a lot of themselves in Cam and had made it their personal mission to mentor Cam and prepare her for Army life. But Shy had also seen something bothering Cam, and at times Shy wondered…
As the bugle sounded the last note, Shy looked back at Cam. “You know you can keep it real with me. I won’t mention anything you choose to share.”
“Yes, ma’am. But I’m not supposed to mention it.”
“Try me.”
“I don’t really know how to say it…”
Shy took a shot. “Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?”
Cam was shocked. “Wait, how did you know?”
“A feeling. I guess ‘gay-dar’ is real,” Shy smiled. “And I recognize a lot of myself in you, if you know what I mean.”
They both chuckled, then Cam sobered up. “Ma’am, how do you do it? I mean with everything going on, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, even just being a Black officer. You are like one of the only ones; almost everyone else is white. So how do you do it? Don’t you feel disrespected sometimes? I know you hear the gay and trans jokes going around. Hell, if they could get away with it, a lot of these guys would make female and Black jokes on top of that. I feel like DADT just made things worse. It’s like it brought out all of the closeted bigots and zealots.” Cam sighed. “I’m just tired, ma’am. Don’t you get tired of it?”
Shy nodded. “I am tired, sometimes. I was always taught to just keep my head down and do my job. Conversely, it’s hard not to react to the comments. But maybe I’ve kept my head too far down,” Shy mused.
“And that’s why I think I should resign,” Cam said. “I come from a world where you have pride in who you are. You don’t hide for the sake of just ‘getting along.’ After feeling different and uncertain my whole childhood, I finally came out to those who matter in my personal life. It was freeing, and affirming, and good. Then I come here and have to pretend to be somebody else. If I go to my OBGYN, I have to lie about my medical needs. If I go to the benefits and pay office, I have to lie and not document my wife and child. I have to make extra sure I don’t slip up at work and talk about my family. I can’t bring my child to work because that will beg too many questions. This isn’t right, ma’am. It’s not fair that I have to take such a hit, just to be able to serve my country. I’m good enough to be cannon fodder for these wars, right? But somehow not good enough to be a soldier if I’m gay?
“No disrespect ma’am, but that’s bullshit. I don’t want to live like that. It’s already bad enough that I’m a woman and Black in the military. Now I have to work under a policy that encourages and rewards bad behavior and microaggressions against my very being? Is this what I have to look forward to if I stay in the Army? If so, as much as I want to serve my country, I’m better off finding a new job that actually supports its employees.”
Shy took a deep breath before replying. At one point, they’d felt the same way, but their fire had faded and they accepted the life they led now. But why had they put up with it for so long? Maybe it was the hope that the days ahead would be better, eventually. Or maybe it was the allure of warfighting and going to exotic places that kept Shy coming back to the Army, despite the bigotry and sexism they’d had to put up with. Still, that didn’t make Cameron’s statement untrue. “Cam, you’re right. It isn’t right, this intolerance. But we chose to serve our country and such a choice comes with sacrifices. Look, I respect your position, but I don’t think it’s that black and white. You’re a good officer and you’ve already overcome so much. If the DADT repeal is denied and you stay in, your presence can help spur more positive changes no matter how subtle they may be. Eventually the tide will turn and people will realize that letting us live our lives will not degrade our military. But we must play our part in showing our excellence while we wear the uniform. Hell, if we all get out, there will be no one left inside to represent why the policy needs to go.”
Cameron snorted. “Please. Are you really confident that the military will embrace changes, especially those that are perceived as threats to its more conservative values?”
“There are many gay people who are serving and are doing okay,” Shy countered. Now why would you tell Cam that crock of shit, Shy?
Cam shook her head. “Like you? Do you really feel like that’s the way it’s supposed to be, that we just ‘make it work’ by pretending to be what we’re not? That’s not for me, ma’am.”
The lightning bolt hit Shy then as they recognized what they were doing. Hadn’t Shy wrestled with the same crisis of consciousness ten years ago as a young lieutenant? They could still hear their old commander’s voice when they’d muscled up enough courage to confront him: Just go along to get along and you will make it through. Keep your head down and don’t let anyone know you’re different. You’ve got a hard enough time ahead of you due to the differences people can see. Don’t make it worse by giving them more to talk about. And now, instead of bucking the trend, Shy was passing along the same misguided trial of hurtful advice they had received so many years ago. Had they really learned nothing over the past several months?
Shy suddenly felt disgusted with themselves.
“I understand, Cam. We all have to make the best decision for ourselves, regardless of what others think.” Shy placed a hand on the younger officer’s shoulder. “Go ahead and head home. I’ll see you tomorrow morning before class and we can take care of the discharge paperwork.”
“Ma’am, tomorrow is Saturday.”
Shy chuckled mirthlessly. “You’re right. We’ll catch up Monday. Make sure you come to see me, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am. Have a good weekend.”
Shy locked up the classroom before walking down the long hallway to depart Battalion Headquarters for the evening. As usual, Shy’s car was the only vehicle in the parking lot. Shy leaned their head against the door. What a night. What a week, to be honest. They needed to get away from work before they did something foolish. Well, more foolish. After all, look at the pitiful advice they’d given to Cameron.
Shy got into the car and drove, somehow ending up at Buffalo Soldier Reservoir Lake. They parked in front of the newly erected bronze Buffalo Soldiers monument and walked over to the reflecting path. Benches were spaced out under shade frames all along the perimeter of the lake. Shy sat and took in the hills that seemed much closer than 200 feet away. It was a serene part of the military base and, at this time of the evening, often rested empty.
It was the perfect spot to think.
But just as Shy settled, their phone rang out, startling not only Shy but also the twilight creatures enjoying the peace of the lake. Shy fumbled to pull out their phone and answered. “Hey, Tessa.”
“Hi Shy. Did you have a good day today?” their therapist asked.
“Not really,” Shy replied. “It’s been a another rough week, and I just had a difficult conversation with a student. Now I’m sitting here, wondering if I did the right thing… Can I get your perspective?”
“Sure. What’s on your mind?”
