The Way You Say My Name, page 10
Well put. “Actually, it was. Ben Lewis’s body was found today. I’m sure you heard about it at school.”
“Yes, I did. Most unfortunate, but not surprising considering the lifestyle he chose. Those people usually come to a bad end.”
That again. Dillon was a stone’s throw away from telling her that he was one of those people, but he stopped short. Tonight was about Jamie, not him. There’d be time enough for true confessions later. Gritting his teeth, he said, “Regardless of whether or not he was gay, the guy’s dead, Mom.”
“As I said, Dillon, that’s unfortunate, but I don’t see what that has to do with you? I mean, you and Ben Lewis were hardly friends. The two of you did your level best to tear each other apart at the dance. I talked to Principal Morgan today. He said the only reason he didn’t expel the both of you is because Sheriff Nash hauled you downtown. He figured that was punishment enough. You’re lucky.”
Dillon loved his mother--he really did--but sometimes she could be so dense it set his teeth on edge. “I’m sure Ben will really appreciate not being expelled now that he’s dead. Must be a huge load off his mind.”
Angela Carver’s voice took on that acid tone that Dillon so hated. “Your sarcasm is not appreciated, son. And you have yet to tell me what Ben Lewis’s death has to do with the reason you didn’t come home.”
His next words would be the beginning of the end, but Dillon wasn’t backing down. “James Walker was Ben’s best friend. He was devastated by what happened. I found him out on the road after Principal Moron’s announcement, wandering around in shock. I brought him home, and that’s where I am now.”
“I thought your father and I made it clear that we don’t approve of your friendship with that boy.”
“That boy was the best friend I ever had. If I’m lucky, he will be again.” That and a thousand things more.
“Dillon, I’m not sure what’s gotten into you tonight, but we’ll discuss this when you get home. I expect you here within the next fifteen minutes.”
“No.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Dillon was shaking, but he kept his voice steady. “I’m not coming home tonight, Mom. I promised James I wouldn’t leave him, and I’m not going to.”
The ice in his mother’s voice made Dillon feel ill. “I don’t recall giving you a choice.”
He was already in it up to his eyeballs. Might as well finish himself off. “You may not have given me a choice, Mom, but I made one just the same.”
“So I see. Your father and I are going to discuss this, Dillon. I expect you to be at home tomorrow when I get in. Principal Morgan has called a teachers meeting directly after school thanks to this nasty business with Lewis, but it shouldn’t take more than an hour. I’ll ask your father to come home early, and the three of us are going to have a long talk about your attitude and your association with James Walker. That’s not a request.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
His mother hung up without saying goodbye, but Dillon didn’t care. It wasn’t like she was gonna be talking to him for much longer, anyway.
A soft voice broke him out of his revere. “I guess I got you in a world of shit with your folks, huh?”
Dillon looked down into Jamie’s face. He was glad neither of them had thought to turn the lamp off before they fell asleep. In the muted light, Jamie looked so achingly perfect that Dillon had to fight with himself not to lean down and kiss him. Instead he said, “You big faker. How long have you been awake?”
“Long enough to know that your mother is mad as hell.”
“So, what else is new?”
Jamie sat up, the sheet falling away from his waist, exposing his flat stomach and making Dillon itch to trace the slight indentation of Jamie’s belly with his tongue. It took him a minute to realize Jamie was speaking to him. “Still, I hate being the one to cause problems for you and your family.”
“It’s not your fault they’re bigots, James. I think it’s sorta like poetic justice that two of the biggest homophobes in Reed got stuck with a gay son. Talk about a karmic bite to the ass.”
Jamie laughed, the first time Dillon had heard that sound since lunch. “I guess so. I never really though about it like that.”
“Let’s not even worry about it right now.” Dillon slouched down a bit so he could see Jamie’s face. “How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s really hit me yet, you know?”
“I guess that’s normal. Probably take a few days to sink in.”
“Yeah.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry for all that stuff I said to you. I didn’t mean it. I know you didn’t have anything to do with Ben’s death.”
Dillon gave a slight tug to the hair and the nape of Jamie’s neck, forcing his head up. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It was no secret that Lewis and I weren’t overly fond of each other.” His voice turned husky. “I am glad you don’t hate me, though.”
Jamie blushed, then went for the subject change. “I did rest better that last time. Thanks for . . .um, you know.”
“Stripping down and getting into bed with you?” Jamie nodded and tried to hide his eyes again, but Dillon wouldn’t let him. He turned enough so that they were facing and put one hand on Jamie’s neck, just below his chin. “It was my pleasure, believe me, but it wasn’t exactly an original idea.”
Jamie scrunched his eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”
“Did Dr. Nash--I mean Nate--tell you about losing his friend Amy?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, just before he left, Nate told me that he had a breakdown after Amy died. When he finally let himself cry it out, Brandon did the same thing with him that I did with you.”
“Well, I’m glad he told you about it, because it worked.”
Dillon moved his fingers back and forth over Jamie’s throat. “Thank God it did. It hurt me so bad to see you suffering like that.” He moved closer, so that his leg was practically on top of Jamie’s. He lowered his head. “I wanted so much to make the hurting stop.”
Jamie lifted his chin and closed his eyes. Dipping down, Dillon could almost taste him. His own eyes fluttered shut. They were almost touching, when the door flew open.
Sadie stood in the doorway, wearing pink pajamas and a long, fuzzy white robe. She hid a grin as the two of them scrambled to opposite sides of the bed. “You’re awake. Thank heavens. I was starting to worry. Are you feeling better, then, Jamie?” Her tone was even, just as if she found her nephew in bed with a half-naked man everyday.
“A little.” He looked at Dillon from the corner of his eye. “Dillon helped me through the worst of it, I think. For tonight anyway. Dr. Nash said grieving is a process, but I think I’m at least on my way.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” She gave Dillon a knowing smile. “I assume you’re spending the night?”
It was Dillon’s turn to blush. “Yes, ma’am. Um, that is, if it’s all right.”
“Of course. Though, perhaps it would be better if you passed the remainder of the night in the guestroom.” An order, not a suggestion. She might be open minded, but even that had its limits.
“Yes, ma’am.” Dillon started to get out of bed, but remembered he was wearing only his underwear. “Uh, Miss Banks?”
Sadie laughed. “I’ll just make certain the guestroom bed has fresh sheets.”
As soon as she left, Dillon scrambled into his jeans. The rest of his things he gathered into his arms to take with him. He was all loaded up and on his way to the door when Jamie said, “Dillon?”
“Yeah?”
“Sweet dreams.”
Dillon smiled down at him. “You too.” He knew Jamie’s would be anything but sweet, right now, anyway. But someday soon, he hoped they would be. And maybe, if he was lucky, those dreams would include him.
* * *
Dillon parked his car in the usual space. Shutting off the ignition, he turned to Jamie. “You sure you want to do this? Your aunt said she’d write you an excuse so you could stay home today.”
Jamie zipped his coat and donned his gloves. “So I can do what, sit at home all day and think about Ben? About how much I’m going to miss him? I’m better off here.” His voice dropped so low that Dillon could barely hear him. “I’m better off with you.”
Dillon reached over and squeezed his hand. “Okay, then. Meet me back here for lunch?”
“How about meeting me at the lockers, instead? It’s too damn cold out here.”
Dillon laughed and got out of the car. “I’ll see you then.”
If days went any slower, Dillon had never seen one. Besides a myriad of cracks about the fact that he was wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday, Dillon’s school day started with a thirty minute period of mourning for Ben Lewis led by none other than Dan Morgan himself. The auditorium was filled to the brim with crying girls (most of whom had no idea who Ben Lewis even was) and a passel of laughing jocks who saw this as a prime opportunity to perfect the fine art of the spitball. Dillon did his best to catch a glimpse of Jamie, but the throng of pseudo-grievers made it impossible. Megan sat beside him through most of the assembly, rolling her eyes every time Morgan started in about the “brevity of life” and the “utmost importance of living each day to its fullest.” A few times, Dillon was certain he’d laugh out loud. Once Megan even stepped on his foot to keep that from happening. The mark of a true friend. The one bright side during the whole assembly was that he didn’t see his mother either. Time enough for the crucifixion after school.
The three remaining classes before lunch weren’t much better. Lots of talk about Ben from people who wouldn’t have spit on him if his guts were on fire. Not while he was alive, anyway. Seems that sudden death made a guy downright popular.
When the fourth period bell rang, Dillon was ready. He had vivid fantasies of kidnapping Jamie and keeping him for the rest of the day, the two of them shutting out the whole world. Unfortunately, Ashton Barnes and Chad Minton put a stop to that.
They were waiting for Dillon at his locker. Ash and Chad made quite a contrast. Ash was tall and slender, whereas Chad tended towards to the short, chunky side. Ash’s hair was a rich black, cut fairly short and shot through with auburn lights which made his brown eyes seem even darker. Chad was a blue-eyed blond with a buzz cut. Ash was old money, and Chad was no money. Even so, Dillon could count on one hand the times he’d seen one without the other. Hell, they even went out on the weekends screwing girls together: Ash and his girl in the front seat of his BMW, Chad and his girlfriend du jour in the back. Now that was devotion.
Dillon was hoping Jamie would come so he’d have an excuse to leave, but he saw no sign of it. Hell, he’d hoped to squeeze in as much time with Jamie as possible, but it looked like he was gonna have to make small talk with Barnes and Minton, instead. He motioned Chad, who was leaning against Dillon’s locker, out of the way, and fumbled with the lock. “What’s up?” It wasn’t until after he said it, that Dillon noticed how angry Ash looked.
Ash stood with his fists balled, his feet braced, and his spine rigid. “I heard some rumors about you, Carver. I was hoping you might clear ‘em up for me.”
Dillon threw his books inside and slammed the locker door. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Megan and a several others gathering in the hall. An audience. Well, wasn’t that just heaven on a stick.
Dillon leaned one shoulder against the metal door, keeping his voice calm and his posture relaxed. “Rumors, huh? You don’t say.”
“That’s right. Word has it you spent the night at James Walker’s house last night. Considering those are the same clothes you had on yesterday, I’m guessing it’s true.” Ash was doing all the talking, but Chad stood beside him, bobbing his head in agreement every time Ash spoke. He reminded Dillon of those little flocked-plastic dogs people put on the dashes of their cars.
Dillon was the poster boy for who-gives-a-damn, but inside he was seething. Damned if he’d let it show, though. As calmly as if he were discussing the cafeteria’s mystery meat special, Dillon said, “I’d be glad to clear that little rumor up for you, Barnes, but seeing as how it’s none of your business, I don’t think I will.”
Ash stepped closer. “I’m making it my business, Carver. Word’s out that you and Ben Lewis were fighting over James that night at the dance. I also heard that you had lunch with him yesterday.”
Dillon crossed his arms over his chest. “What are you, Barnes? The friendship police? I wasn’t aware that having lunch with a friend or spending the night with a buddy was a crime.”
Ash wasn’t giving up. “Yeah? Well, the way I hear it, you and Walker are a lot more than friends. What’s up, Carver? You fagging out on us?”
Oh, this was just great. Ash was the one who called him about the planned gay bashing at the dance. What was with this homophobic jock routine? Well, to hell with him. Dillon wasn’t going to play his little games. In as clear a voice as he could muster, he said, “No, Barnes, I’m not fagging out on you.”
He heard a noise behind him and turned to see Jamie, his face pale and stricken. Dillon had been about to clarify his last statement, but Jamie didn’t know that. He though Dillon was going to deny him yet again. The spark of anger Dillon had seen last night was now a blazing inferno.
Jamie threw his books on the floor and faced Dillon, not caring that he was six inches shorter and about forty pounds lighter, or that half the school was watching him. He looked so small and so cute, that Dillon would have laughed over the whole damn thing if it weren’t for the look of pain in Jamie’s beautiful eyes.
“So much for coming out, huh, Dillon? Tell me something. Exactly when weren’t you ‘fagging out’? Was it when I was on my knees sucking your cock that you weren’t a fag? Or were you just a straight boy in disguise all those times you fucked me?”
That was it. The whole city of Reed could watch for all he cared, but Dillon was gonna show Jamie how he felt about him once and for all. “I never fucked you.”
Dillon could see the tears forming in Jamie’s eyes. He started to speak, but Dillon put up his hand. “Not yet. You’ve had your say. It’s my turn now.” He turned his back on Barnes and all the rest, using his body to force Jamie backwards until he was up against the lockers, with Dillon in his face. Putting one hand on each side of Jamie’s head so he couldn’t get away, Dillon spoke, his voice loud enough for everyone within twenty feet to hear, his eyes only for Jamie.
“What I was about to say when you walked up, James, was that I wasn’t ‘fagging out’ because that implies that I just woke up one morning and became gay. How can I ‘fag out’ when I’ve known for sure that I was gay for over six years?”
The gasps and whispers behind him following that little announcement reminded Dillon of something you’d hear in a cheesy movie. If they thought that was a shocker, the illustrious student body of Plunkett High hadn’t seen anything, yet.
“And as far as the other part goes, I stand by what I said. I never fucked you, James.” Jamie tried to protest, but again Dillon cut him off. “I was a selfish bastard. I got off on you without ever giving anything back, and for that I’m more sorry that you’ll ever know. Even as lowdown and rotten as I was, though, I never once fucked you. Every time I slid into you, every time you took me into that sweet, tight body of yours, it was making love.” Then Dillon lowered his head and covered Jamie’s mouth with his own.
Chapter 5
At first, Jamie was too startled to respond as Dillon’s mouth came down on his. But as Dillon’s tongue began a slow assault against Jamie’s lips in an effort to get them to open, Jamie felt his body--and his resolve--melting. He opened his mouth and gave Dillon entry.
Dillon teased and tasted him until Jamie thought he would go insane. He could feel the bulge in Dillon’s jeans, which didn’t help his own condition any. It was everything a first kiss should have been, audience or not. Just when Jamie was wondering what the punishment for having sex in the school hallway would be, Dillon pulled away. He kissed the tip of Jamie’s nose and whispered, for Jamie’s ears only, “I’m sorry to embarrass you in front of everybody like this, baby, but I couldn’t think of any other way to show you how I felt.” Before Jamie could answer, Dillon straightened up and turned back to Barnes, shielding Jamie with his body.
“Does that answer your questions, Barnes, or do you have some more for me?”
Ash may have been shocked, but quick recovery was one of the things that made him such a hot commodity on the football field. And his temporary shock had made him no less angry. This time, though, his anger was redirected at Jamie. “God, Walker, you’re somethin’ else. Ben isn’t even cold yet and you’ve already moved on. So much for true love I guess.”
Jamie came out from behind Dillon, his eyes blazing. “What would you know about it, Barnes? You barely even knew Ben. If you and those dickwads you call friends ever spoke to him it was to tell him to fuck off or to call him a queer or a fag. Where in the hell do you get off telling me what I’m supposed to feel?”
