The Way You Say My Name, page 46
Dillon draped his arms over the fourth rung of the ladder and laid his head in his hands. “Why do I always get dragged into this stuff?”
Jamie wrapped his arms around Dillon’s waist from behind. “Some people are just lucky that way, I guess. Need me to come with you?”
Dillon shook his head without even lifting it from his hands. “No. There’s no reason for both of us to go up there. I can suffer through this alone.”
Jamie laughed. “You can keep on with the ‘poor me’ act all you want, but you and I both know you’d do anything to help Heath and Megan.”
Dillon raised his head and turned in the circle of Jamie’s arms, returning the embrace. “I’m glad to do anything I can, but I’m thinking Heath may have been right yesterday when he said there was nothing anyone could do to fix this.”
“I’m not buying it. I mean, look at everything that happened between me and you. We’ve been through hell and back so many times I lost count, but we came out of it together. I have to believe Heath and Megan will make it, too.”
Dillon wanted to believe that Jamie was right, but as he walked towards Megan’s third-floor hospital room an hour later and saw the look on his brother’s face as he paced the hall just outside Megan’s door, Dillon’s hope evaporated.
Heath rushed to meet him. “Thank God you’re here. She won’t even talk to me. Not unless she sees you first. She keeps sending messages through her nurse.”
“I know. Jamie told me.”
Heath ran his hands over his face, his bloodshot eyes a stark contrast to his pale skin. He wore the same clothes he’d worn the day before, and his hands were shaking slightly as he lowered them to his sides. “I need to see her, Dillon. I have to tell her--” Heath broke off, but not before Dillon got a good look at his brother’s desperation.
“What, Heath? What is it you need to tell her?”
“Never mind. Just talk to her for me, Dillon. Tell her I need to see her. Please.”
“I’ll try, but like the doctor said, Megan’s not in the best of places right now. You know this little peace talk I’m about to give comes with no guarantees, right?”
“Understood. Just the fact that you’re willing to help means a lot. Thanks, Dillon.”
Dillon nodded and made his way to Megan’s door. Using the first two knuckles of his right hand, Dillon tapped on the fake wood. “Megan? It’s Dillon. Can I come in?”
At Megan’s hoarse but clear, “Yes,” Dillon swung the door open and stepped inside. Megan was lying in bed, her skin sallow against the sickly green hospital gown she wore. Someone--probably a nurse--had washed her hair and then braided it wet so that it hung in one damp red stream down her back. She looked so young and helpless as she reclined against the pillows that Dillon had to force himself not to run forward and gather her into his arms.
He settled for a cautious hug, carefully squeezing her shoulders while avoiding her tender midsection. He pulled back and plastered on a smile. “How’s my best girl?”
Megan’s eyes crinkled slightly at the corners, but that’s as close as she came to returning the smile. “I’m doing all right. Dr. Byrd says I can probably go home tomorrow.”
“That’s great, Meggie. Before you know it, you’ll be feeling like your old self, again.” Megan only nodded. They both knew it was a lie but went with the pretense, anyway.
Dillon sat down in one of the chairs beside the bed. “So, where is everybody? I expected the room and hallway to be covered in wall to wall Nash’s.”
Megan gave a ghost of a grin. “I sent them all home, one because they were exhausted, and two, because I knew Heath was coming and I didn’t want any bloodshed. Mama and Daddy stayed all night and a good chunk of the morning, and so did Bran and Nate. Keith is here somewhere, working his regular shift. He’s popped in a couple of times, but I finally convinced him that I wanted to catch some sleep. The rest of the family has taken turns coming by, and poor Ash has been here like three times this morning alone.” Megan leaned further back against the pillows and sighed. “I made them all go home about ten o’clock this morning. Convinced them I needed time alone, to think.”
“I bet they put up a fuss.”
“You know it. The only one who really understood was Mama. She lost a baby in between giving birth to Wayne and Keith. She knows how it . . . how it hurts.”
The aching loss in Megan’s voice made the back of Dillon’s eyes sting. He blinked time and again in rapid succession until he had himself under control. Desperate to offer comfort, he said the only thing he could think of. “I’m sorry, Megan. About the baby, I mean. I know how much you wanted it.”
Megan bit her lip and turned her head, facing away from Dillon for a minute. “Dr. Byrd said it was no one’s fault, just one of those freak accidents of nature that sometimes happens for no good reason. I know better, though. I know that my baby died because I wasn’t a strong enough person to hold on to him.”
Dillon couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Megan, how can you say that? You’re one of the strongest, bravest people I know. You can’t possibly believe this is your fault.”
Megan continued to stare at the wall. “I don’t know what I believe. Not anymore. All I know is that a couple of months ago, I was in love with an amazing guy who I thought loved me, too. Now I’ve lost him and the only thing I had of him, the baby we made together.” She turned her tear-soaked face back to Dillon. “I feel like I’ve lost everything.”
Dillon grabbed three tissues from the nightstand, leaning forward and drying Megan’s eyes as best he could. “My brother was an idiot Megan. None of this is your fault.”
“You’re wrong. Heath must have seen something in me, some flaw deep inside. I chased him away, made him leave because he could see something missing in me, something no one else could.”
“Megan, no! Listen, honey. You’ve got it all wrong.”
But Megan wouldn’t listen. “Is Heath still out there? Like I said, that’s one of the reasons I sent my family away, so they wouldn’t kill him. Mom told me Ash even took a swing at him yesterday.”
“Yes, he did.” Under his breath, Dillon muttered, “That’s only half of what he deserved,” but loud enough for Megan to hear he said, “Yes, he’s still out there. But, Megan, I don’t think you need to see him right now. Not until you can stop blaming yourself for his mistakes.”
Megan shook her head. “I want to see him, now, Dillon, to put an end to that part of my life. When I leave Reed, I want to leave knowing that Heath and I at least had some form of closure, whatever that is.”
Alarm bells rang in Dillon’s head. “What do you mean, ‘when you leave Reed.’ You mean for college?” When she nodded, Dillon said, “Meggie, that’s not until September. You’ve got almost four months until then. Give yourself some time. There’s no need to rush this.”
“I’m leaving right after graduation, Dillon. I’ve already been accepted to and registered for the fall semester at Michigan State, Brandon’s alma mater. With any luck I’ll be able to find a nice, off-campus apartment and sign on for a few summer courses as well.”
Dillon wanted to argue with her, but he could tell by the glint in her eyes that arguing at this point would be useless. If he couldn’t change her mind, the least he could do was be supportive. “What can I do to help you through this, Meggie?” He reached for her hand.
Megan laced her fingers with his and held on tight. “Just stay with me while I talk to Heath. I don’t trust myself to be alone with him, and no one else understands him the way you do, especially not my family. They’d just as soon beat the crap out of him now and ask questions later.”
“I’ll be here while you talk to him, but I gotta tell you, I’ve had the urge to beat him senseless a time or two myself.”
“I understand. Just . . .” Megan took a deep breath. “Just ask him to come in here, please.”
Dillon did as he was asked, but in his heart, he knew that there was no way this little meeting was going to bring Megan closure. Megan and Heath owned a part of each other, just as he and Jamie did. And just like him and Jamie, they probably always would.
* * *
Dillon found his brother exactly where he’d left him, pacing in front of Megan’s door. “Megan wants to see you, but before you go in there, there’s something you should know.”
Heath was almost too eager to see Megan to listen, but Dillon’s somber tone must have gotten through to him. “What is it?”
“Megan blames herself for all of this, Heath. She blames herself for everything from the break-up to loosing the baby.”
Heath flinched. “What? No, that’s not right. How could she possibly think any of this was her fault?”
“I don’t know, but the point is, she does.”
Heath swore. “I’ll make her listen, make her understand that I’m the one responsible.”
Dillon tried to reason with him, but Heath was every bit as stubborn as Megan. He swung open the door and walked into Megan’s room, Dillon on his heels.
Megan was lying in the same position, the bed covers clutched around her like a shield. “Hello, Heath.”
Heath swallowed so hard, Dillon could hear it. “Hi, honey. How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess. The doctor says I’m healing. No sign of infection near my incision, and my vital signs are good, whatever that means.”
“That’s great, Meggie. I . . . Oh, hell. I was never good at polite conversation.” He came forward and stood beside the bed. “Baby, I’m so damn sorry for this. For leaving you like I did, for the miscarriage. All of it.”
Megan held herself with such brittle control, Dillon thought she might shatter. “It wasn’t your fault, Heath, especially not the miscarriage. According to Dr. Byrd, that would have happened no matter what.”
Heath sank down in the chair beside the bed while Dillon stood on Megan’s other side. “Maybe so, but I should have been there to see you through it.”
“Why? You didn’t even believe there was a baby.”
“Honey, you have to let me explain. See, there was this girl a few years back. When things started cooling off between us, she lied about being pregnant to trap me into something I wasn’t ready for.”
“And you thought I’d done the same thing?” Megan closed her eyes. “You must not think very much of me to believe I could do something like that. Is that why you dumped me, because I was so unworthy of your love and trust?”
“No! Dammit, Megan, I’m trying to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who fucked up. I care about you, baby. I didn’t even realize how much until I found out you were in the hospital.”
Megan opened her eyes, and Dillon was shocked to see how hollow and empty they were. “Nothing’s changed, Heath.”
Heath tried to take her hand, but Megan pulled away. “You’re wrong. We’ve been given a second chance. We can start over, do this thing right. I’ll treat you the way I should have in the beginning, show you the respect you deserve.” His voice dropped to a low murmur. “And I won’t rush you into bed this time. I’ll be careful with you, angel. No more babies until we’re both ready.”
“There won’t be any babies for me, Heath. Not now, and probably not ever.”
“I know you feel that way right now, but, in time, you’ll change your mind.”
Megan’s small hands knotted into fists as she clutched the rough blanket. “You don’t get it. When Dr. Byrd went in to fix the damage caused by the ectopic pregnancy, he had to remove one of my tubes. That cut my chances of getting pregnant again in half.”
Heath wasn’t giving in. “Fifty-fifty isn’t so bad. When the time comes--”
“Let me finish.” Megan’s face was turning red and her breathing was shallow. “I have scar tissue left behind from the surgery, but they won’t know how bad it is until my wounds heal. It could very well thicken, maybe even block my uterus and my other tube. According to Dr. Byrd, I have less than a thirty percent chance of getting pregnant without more surgery or some type of assisted reproduction technique.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. We have plenty of time.”
“You’re the one who’s not listening. We’re out of time. It’s too late for us.”
Heath didn’t budge. “I refuse to believe that, Megan, and I don’t think you really believe it, either. You’re letting your anger and grief do all the talking.”
Megan’s face contorted with some of that anger Heath had just mentioned. “What would you know about my grief? I’m the one who lost the baby.”
“It was my baby, too, honey. You’re not the only one who’s suffering.”
It was the wrong thing to say. Heath must have seen the fire gathering in Megan’s eyes because he moved back a little as she sat up and unleashed all the pain and self-loathing she’d been carrying inside. “What are you trying to say? That you’re all torn up over the death of a baby you didn’t even think existed? Bullshit. You’re glad it’s dead. Glad to be rid of it. Of me.”
“That’s a lie.”
“Yeah, well, you know all about lies, don’t you? All those times you pretended to care for me just so you could get laid. All the sweet words you’re spewing out now. You feel guilty because you didn’t believe me, and now you’re trying to make up for it by acting like you actually have real feelings for me.”
Heath stood up and leaned over the railing of the bed. “I never pretended to care about you, Megan. I didn’t have to. I’ve always had feelings for you. I . . . I . . .”
Dillon willed him to say the words. Tell her you love her, Heath. Don’t blow it now. But it didn’t work. Heath balked, and Megan clenched her jaw as she confronted the truth as she saw it.
“What are you trying to say? That you love me? Is that it? Cause if it is, you look more like a man who’s just had a root canal without anesthesia than a guy who’s about to declare undying love.”
Heath clutched the plastic rails so hard they creaked. “I don’t know anything about love. Hell, I’m not even sure it exists. Not the kind of love people are always spouting off about, anyway.” He leaned down to better see her face. “That doesn’t mean you and I can’t have something special. I’m sure as hell willing to try. We had fun together, remember? We can again.”
Dillon bit back a groan as he watched Heath’s words wash over Megan’s rigid body. He was proud of the self-control in her voice when she spoke. He could only guess what it was costing her.
“Fun, huh. As in the no-strings-attached version of fun we had before?” She waved her hands over herself. “Look at me, Heath. Do I look like I’m having fun? When I told you I loved you and you ran out on me, was I having fun then? When I told you I was pregnant and you called me a rotten liar, was that the fun part? No wait. I’ve got it. The fun part must have been yesterday at the theater when I almost died trying to hold on to my baby, the one thing I wanted above anything else and will probably never have now.” Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears, but she held herself together. “Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. As much as I hate myself right now, even I know I deserve to be more than some guy’s fuck buddy.”
“Dammit, you’re more to me than that.”
Megan shook her head. “Just get out, Heath. Go away and leave me in peace.”
Heath started to refuse, but Dillon stepped in. “You heard her, Heath. She’s had enough.”
Heath thought it over for a tense minute before giving in. “Fine, I’ll go. But I’ll be back, Megan. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.”
Megan’s lip trembled. “Over? How can it be over when it never even started?”
Heath didn’t reply. He stormed out of the room with his usual flare, but this time, Dillon didn’t bother to go after him. Leaving his brother to whatever demons he faced, Dillon lowered the side rail on Megan’s bed. He sat down beside her and did the only thing he could. He gathered her into his arms and held her while the rest of her world fell apart.
* * *
Jamie watched Dillon struggle with his tie for another minute before taking over. “Here. Let me do that. We’ll never make it on time if we wait for you to get it right.” Jamie’s fingers wove an automatic pattern of loops and knots over the silk cloth, bringing the tie into a perfect bow.
Dillon stepped back to survey the reflection of Jamie’s handiwork in the dresser mirror. “Next time I have to wear one of these stupid tuxes, I swear I’m gonna get a clip on tie. Where did you learn to do that, by the way?”
Jamie shrugged and grabbed his tux jacket from the edge of the bed. “Aunt Sadie taught me.” He quoted her, his voice a near perfect imitation of Sadie’s refined speech. “’Every decent gentleman should know the fine art of tie tying, Jamie.’” He laughed. “Only took me about sixteen years to get the hang of it.” He pulled his coat on and smoothed it out. “You look awful damn good in that ‘stupid tux,’ you know? You should wear them more often.”
