Suddenly Mine, page 22
Shrugging, he said, “As good as can be expected. I hate waiting. I wish we knew more, and I’m still annoyed that my mother didn’t let us hear what Dr. Fordham had to say.”
“I know you’re anxious, but you have to know that she’s not even aware of which way is up right now. Since your uncles are here, maybe she thought it best if they went with her. They are his brothers.”
“And we’re his children,” he said with a hint of annoyance before instantly apologizing. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be taking this out on you, love.”
Before she could say anything, Megan slid closer and leaned in. “I need to get some air. I’m getting a little stir crazy.”
“Aren’t you the one who used to live in your cubicle eighteen hours a day?” Christian teased.
She gave him a bland look. “Not in a very long time. Alex has gotten me all…you know, outdoorsy. Now I find that I like being outside more than I ever have in my life.”
Christian chuckled. “Outdoorsy? Really?”
Holding up a hand, she ignored him and looked at Sophie. “Come on. Walk outside with me for a little bit? Please?”
How could she possibly say no? Squeezing Christian’s hand, she gave him a sweet smile. “I’m outdoorsy too. Kindred spirits here.” Then she laughed and kissed him on the cheek. “Be back in a bit.”
It wasn’t until they were alone and leaving the cafeteria that Megan spoke.
“Okay, I have to ask this—but don’t be afraid to tell me no and I swear I won’t be offended.”
“Um… Okay.”
They stopped just outside of the cafeteria doors. “Someone crashing twice on the operating table isn’t a good sign, is it? I mean, that’s really bad.”
Damn. “Megan, without having heard what the doctor said, I don’t want to speculate. I don’t want to speak out of turn or…or…”
Sighing loudly, Megan slouched against the wall. “I know. I know. Sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked.”
“It’s okay, and for what it’s worth, I get it. I’d want someone to tell me too.”
With a weak smile, Megan pushed away from the wall and continued to walk in silence until they were outside. There was a small park next to the hospital and that’s where they decided to head.
“It’s so weird,” Megan said, sitting down on a swing. Sophie took the one next to her. “I’ve always thought of my father as infallible. He’s always been this giant of a man and although he’s always been a bit of a tyrant, I never imagined something like this happening.” She paused. “I guess it’s hard to imagine anything happening to our parents, right?”
A knot of dread formed in Sophie’s belly. This was so not a discussion she wanted to be a part of. Instead of answering, she made a noncommittal sound.
“I’m trying to imagine what will happen when he wakes up and what his recovery will be like,” Megan continued, unaware of the distress Sophie was feeling. “If he has to go into a rehabilitation facility, he’ll hate it. I know a lot of times there’s paralysis involved after a stroke and he’ll give any therapist hell.” Then she laughed softly and faced Sophie. “Alex is a physical therapist and I don’t think there’d be any way I’d be able to convince him to take my dad on as a client.”
Sophie laughed with her but still said nothing.
“But I’ll feel better talking to him about Dad’s treatment. We’ll know if something is working or if there are other options to try.” She sighed. “Either way, I think it’s going to be a long road to recovery and I hate it for him.”
After several moments of silence, Megan studied Sophie. “You’re being very quiet. Am I talking too much? Are you tired of hearing about my dad? I know you don’t even know him, and hell, you and Christian haven’t been dating all that long, so this is an awkward situation for you to be in, right?”
“No,” she quickly assured. “That’s not it at all. It seemed like you needed to talk, so I was letting you.”
The look Megan gave her showed she didn’t quite believe her, but she didn’t say it. Instead, she changed the subject. “So you got my stuffy, uptight brother to break out a bit, huh?”
That made Sophie laugh. “I’d like to think Christian is enjoying himself, but it’s all so new. I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before he starts feeling the pressure to work more.”
Megan groaned. “Unfortunately, I think this whole situation with my dad may cause him to regress. But don’t let it happen! You have to promise me that you’ll force him to stay on this course and not live at the office.”
“That’s really kind of out of my hands, but—”
Megan swung toward her and grabbed the chain holding Sophie’s swing. “No, you need to promise me on this. I can see what a difference you’ve made in his life, and I know if I was here visiting under different circumstances, we’d be out having a great time! I know my brother and I know how he thinks. My father has thrown plenty of guilt on him and I know that’s got to be playing on his mind right now, but we can’t let that happen.”
“Megan…”
Megan swung away. “Just—just at least promise that you’ll try.” She looked at her pleadingly. “Please.”
Nodding, Sophie said, “I’ll try.”
They swung back and forth a few more times. “We should probably get back in there. I’m afraid to stay away for too long.”
“I’m sure if they got any updates, someone would have called or texted you.” Standing, she waited for Megan to do the same and was surprised when Megan grabbed her and hugged her.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For listening,” Megan said as she pulled back. “I know there’s my whole family in there and we’ve been doing nothing but talking, but…it’s all superficial talking. Everyone’s trying to keep Mom’s spirits up and I think that’s great. But eventually we’re going to have to talk about what’s going on.”
“Well, until we know for sure what’s going on, it’s all just speculation. I think once your father comes out of recovery and the doctors can do more scans and tests, the real conversations will begin.”
“I guess you’re right.” They started to walk back to the hospital. “So what about you?”
Sophie looked at her oddly. “What about me?”
“What’s your family like? Do you have any siblings?”
“Oh…um…” She was saved from answering when they ran into Carter out on the sidewalk.
“Is everything all right?” Megan asked.
He looked tense and angry and didn’t say anything at first—almost as if he was surprised to see them both there.
“Is it Dad? Is there an update? Is he awake?” When he still didn’t say anything, Megan grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “Dammit, Carter! What’s going on?”
“Mom dropped a bombshell and I had to get out of there,” he said with a huff, stepping out of her grasp.
“What? What did she say?”
“Apparently, Dad’s been sick for a while. Cancer.” He stopped and cursed, pacing a few steps away and then back again. “Cancer! And no one thought to say anything!”
“How? Why?”
“And he’s got a DNR that was suspended during the surgery, but now that he’s out, it’s back in play! I mean…this is crazy!”
All Sophie could think about was getting to Christian and with a muttered “excuse me,” she went in search of him.
* * *
It was late—well after midnight—and Christian couldn’t sleep. The day had been beyond exhausting, and as much as he tried to hold it together for his mother’s sake, he wasn’t very successful.
Once his father had been moved to ICU, the doctors all confirmed that it would be best to go home for the night. Everyone had gone to the hotel and had dinner together, but Christian was done with playing nice and being social. He was tired, he was angry—even more so after his mother’s big cancer reveal—and all he’d wanted was to go home and be alone.
Well, not entirely alone.
He wanted Sophie with him.
They’d stopped at her apartment, where she’d grabbed a change of clothes and picked up her car and then followed him back to his house. Once there, they’d gone for a long walk on the beach. Honestly, he wanted to get back in the car and just drive, and keep driving until they were far away from home and his family and everything he was dealing with. Running away had never been his style—except for the London incident—but right now it was looking mighty appealing.
The walk had done a lot to calm him down. Not once did either of them bring up the current situation and instead talked about neutral topics, even started making plans for what they wanted to explore and experience next.
Hot air balloons in Napa.
Go figure.
The look of pure delight on Sophie’s face when he agreed to go was quite possibly the greatest thing ever. He loved being able to make her laugh and smile and knew she probably hadn’t had a whole lot to laugh and smile about in her life. And that had him thinking about her—really thinking about her. Before this crisis with his family hit, she was dealing with one of her own. The two situations weren’t anything alike and yet…there was one similarity.
Their fathers.
Right now, knowing that his father was in grave condition, Christian couldn’t help but think of all the things he wished were different—the questions he had, now that he knew more from his uncle. Once Joseph was well enough to talk, that was something they were going to do. They were both getting older and life was too short to keep living with such animosity. The air needed to be cleared and their relationship still had a chance to be fixed.
But what about Sophie’s?
In the beginning, she’d been fairly adamant about not seeing her father—she didn’t want to see him. Then she started questioning that decision and wondering if maybe she should go just for her own peace of mind and to finally get the answers that she wanted. She’d waffled, and still hadn’t made a decision.
Sighing, he shifted and hugged her closer. She was sound asleep and had been for well over an hour. After their walk, they’d come inside and had some popcorn and wine while they watched some TV before coming up to bed. Sophie read for a while; Christian had his laptop and had checked emails and read some of the news in hopes of putting himself to sleep.
Nothing had worked.
So now what? Count sheep?
Another sigh.
His phone was on the nightstand and he thought about texting his brother. Things had grown tense earlier in the day and they hadn’t had a chance to sit and talk alone like Carter and Megan had. And the only reason he knew they had was because Sophie had told him when she’d come in after their walk. Now he wanted to talk, but he didn’t want to wake her up.
Waking his brother up wasn’t a concern.
He eyed his phone again and groaned. He was comfortable, somewhat relaxed, and the thought of getting up wasn’t as appealing as he thought it would be. Beside him, Sophie snuggled closer and sighed softly. Unable to help himself, he kissed the top of her head and she hummed in her sleep. He loved the sounds she made. He loved the feel of her. Hell, he loved her. And if his life wasn’t such a colossal mess right now, he’d totally wake her up and tell her.
Soon.
Things would return to normal soon and then he would do it.
Making that one little decision seemed to relax him more than he’d thought it would. Settling into his pillow a little deeper, he gave Sophie a gentle hug and one more kiss.
Talking to Carter could wait until the morning. Closing his eyes, Christian yawned and finally let himself fall asleep.
Only to be woken up an hour later by the ringing of his phone. Groggy, he reached for it without being able to open his eyes enough to see on the screen who was calling.
“H’lo?” he said, his voice a gruff whisper.
“Chris…we need to get to the hospital.” It was Carter.
“What happened?” he asked, instantly awake.
“He’s gone.”
Chapter 10
“May you be at ease. May you be free from suffering. May you be healed. May you know joy and lightness of being. May you dwell in comfort and compassion. May you be a source of comfort and compassion for all whom you meet. Go in peace.” The minister looked out at the group of people surrounding Joseph Montgomery’s casket and said, “Amen.”
All around, Christian heard people say “Amen” before coming forward to offer their condolences. They were graveside at the same cemetery in upstate New York where his grandparents were buried, and just like then, it was a cold, gray day.
It had been seven days since he’d received the phone call from his brother, and for most of that time he’d felt like he was simply walking around in a daze. He didn’t remember much about the drive to the hospital—Sophie had taken him. The days that followed were sort of a blur because there were so many details to deal with. The logistics of getting his father back to New York to be buried turned out to be more of a nightmare than he had thought possible.
He stood stiffly, staring at the casket that was going to be lowered into the ground once they were all gone, and felt numb. How did this happen? And why now? Why, when there had finally been a chance that they could have talked and maybe worked through their issues, did this have to happen?
So many people came over and shook his hand or hugged him while they shared a kind word about his father, and all he could do was nod. He was certain that later on he wouldn’t even be able to remember who had been here or who he’d spoken to. Faces blurred together and their words all sounded the same.
Before he knew it, the funeral director was ushering the immediate family back to the limos to take them home to his parents’ house. But Christian didn’t move.
“Chris?”
He turned and looked at his brother. “I need some time.”
“Mom wants to get back to the house. We can’t keep the car here for much longer.”
And while he knew that made sense, it still angered him. Wasn’t he allowed to grieve as well? Wasn’t he entitled to take an extra minute or two to say goodbye?
When he still didn’t move, Carter walked closer and let out a huff of annoyance. “Let me make sure Mom’s okay and then I’ll come back for you.”
He nodded. “Thanks.”
“It’s going to be about an hour. You sure you want to do this?”
“I need to.” Then he turned and looked toward the line of cars. “Where’s Sophie?”
“She’s in the car with Mom, Megan, and Alex. Do you want me to ask her to stay with you?”
“No. Just…just tell her I’ll be back at the house later.” Then he turned to the casket that was strewn with flowers and swallowed the lump in his throat.
Carter’s hand clasped him on the shoulder and squeezed. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Christian waited until he couldn’t hear any more cars and the air around him was still. There were chairs set up from the service, but he opted to stand, hands clasped in front of him.
“I know you never liked the phrase, but right now it’s the only one I can think of—it’s not fair. Things were coming to a head. I know that. But now we’ll never know how it would have worked out.” He paused and forced himself to breathe through the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him.
“I did everything you ever asked of me. I studied hard, worked hard, and tried to be everything I could to make you proud. But it was never enough.” His voice cracked and he felt the sting of tears, and even that made him angry. “Do you see what you’ve created here? What you’ve done? A normal son should be able to stand here and openly grieve for his father and yet I’m standing here fighting with myself and my emotions because you always said that crying made you weak. Well, I’m not weak!” he called out. “I have never been weak and I resent that you made me feel that way!”
A car drove down the small road that went through the middle of the cemetery and he waited until it was out of sight before he continued.
“I’m good at what I do, and on top of that, I’m a good person. Just once, I wish you would have acknowledged that and told me you were proud of me. I hated hearing Uncle William say you bragged about me, because I know exactly why you did it—it wasn’t to praise me, it was for yourself, to make you look good.”
Sighing loudly, he finally sat down on one of the chairs. Resting his elbows on his knees, he sank his fingers into his hair. When he looked at the casket, he knew he was never going to get answers. He was never going to know why Joseph Montgomery had chosen to put so much pressure on his oldest son or if there was ever anything Christian could have done to earn his praise or approval.
“It’s like you got the last word without saying a thing,” he said quietly. “I hate that our last conversation was spent picking at one another. I hate that you didn’t get to see how happy I am and what a great girl Sophie is.” Then he let out a mirthless laugh. “And it doesn’t matter that she works at Montgomerys part time, Dad. She’s amazing. She’s caring and funny and kind… Honestly, I don’t feel like I even deserve her. But you know what? For some reason, she cares about me and it feels so damn good to have her in my life. Her lightness and her honesty and…she gives me hope.”
A cool wind blew and he shivered. Maybe waiting an hour wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but he had needed this time. There were so many things he’d never have the chance to say, so many issues left unresolved. It was funny how he’d always thought there’d be more time—had actually felt optimistic about it while his father had been in the hospital—and now he knew with great finality that there wasn’t.
Now he had to worry about how his mother was doing and remember not to let so much time pass between the times they spoke. He’d make sure he called his siblings more and took an active interest in their lives. There were cousins to reach out to and keep in touch with, friends that he’d been meaning to call. The list was endless, and right now it was starting to feel like a daunting task. On top of all that, he had to work. Needed to work.
“I know you’re anxious, but you have to know that she’s not even aware of which way is up right now. Since your uncles are here, maybe she thought it best if they went with her. They are his brothers.”
“And we’re his children,” he said with a hint of annoyance before instantly apologizing. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be taking this out on you, love.”
Before she could say anything, Megan slid closer and leaned in. “I need to get some air. I’m getting a little stir crazy.”
“Aren’t you the one who used to live in your cubicle eighteen hours a day?” Christian teased.
She gave him a bland look. “Not in a very long time. Alex has gotten me all…you know, outdoorsy. Now I find that I like being outside more than I ever have in my life.”
Christian chuckled. “Outdoorsy? Really?”
Holding up a hand, she ignored him and looked at Sophie. “Come on. Walk outside with me for a little bit? Please?”
How could she possibly say no? Squeezing Christian’s hand, she gave him a sweet smile. “I’m outdoorsy too. Kindred spirits here.” Then she laughed and kissed him on the cheek. “Be back in a bit.”
It wasn’t until they were alone and leaving the cafeteria that Megan spoke.
“Okay, I have to ask this—but don’t be afraid to tell me no and I swear I won’t be offended.”
“Um… Okay.”
They stopped just outside of the cafeteria doors. “Someone crashing twice on the operating table isn’t a good sign, is it? I mean, that’s really bad.”
Damn. “Megan, without having heard what the doctor said, I don’t want to speculate. I don’t want to speak out of turn or…or…”
Sighing loudly, Megan slouched against the wall. “I know. I know. Sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked.”
“It’s okay, and for what it’s worth, I get it. I’d want someone to tell me too.”
With a weak smile, Megan pushed away from the wall and continued to walk in silence until they were outside. There was a small park next to the hospital and that’s where they decided to head.
“It’s so weird,” Megan said, sitting down on a swing. Sophie took the one next to her. “I’ve always thought of my father as infallible. He’s always been this giant of a man and although he’s always been a bit of a tyrant, I never imagined something like this happening.” She paused. “I guess it’s hard to imagine anything happening to our parents, right?”
A knot of dread formed in Sophie’s belly. This was so not a discussion she wanted to be a part of. Instead of answering, she made a noncommittal sound.
“I’m trying to imagine what will happen when he wakes up and what his recovery will be like,” Megan continued, unaware of the distress Sophie was feeling. “If he has to go into a rehabilitation facility, he’ll hate it. I know a lot of times there’s paralysis involved after a stroke and he’ll give any therapist hell.” Then she laughed softly and faced Sophie. “Alex is a physical therapist and I don’t think there’d be any way I’d be able to convince him to take my dad on as a client.”
Sophie laughed with her but still said nothing.
“But I’ll feel better talking to him about Dad’s treatment. We’ll know if something is working or if there are other options to try.” She sighed. “Either way, I think it’s going to be a long road to recovery and I hate it for him.”
After several moments of silence, Megan studied Sophie. “You’re being very quiet. Am I talking too much? Are you tired of hearing about my dad? I know you don’t even know him, and hell, you and Christian haven’t been dating all that long, so this is an awkward situation for you to be in, right?”
“No,” she quickly assured. “That’s not it at all. It seemed like you needed to talk, so I was letting you.”
The look Megan gave her showed she didn’t quite believe her, but she didn’t say it. Instead, she changed the subject. “So you got my stuffy, uptight brother to break out a bit, huh?”
That made Sophie laugh. “I’d like to think Christian is enjoying himself, but it’s all so new. I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before he starts feeling the pressure to work more.”
Megan groaned. “Unfortunately, I think this whole situation with my dad may cause him to regress. But don’t let it happen! You have to promise me that you’ll force him to stay on this course and not live at the office.”
“That’s really kind of out of my hands, but—”
Megan swung toward her and grabbed the chain holding Sophie’s swing. “No, you need to promise me on this. I can see what a difference you’ve made in his life, and I know if I was here visiting under different circumstances, we’d be out having a great time! I know my brother and I know how he thinks. My father has thrown plenty of guilt on him and I know that’s got to be playing on his mind right now, but we can’t let that happen.”
“Megan…”
Megan swung away. “Just—just at least promise that you’ll try.” She looked at her pleadingly. “Please.”
Nodding, Sophie said, “I’ll try.”
They swung back and forth a few more times. “We should probably get back in there. I’m afraid to stay away for too long.”
“I’m sure if they got any updates, someone would have called or texted you.” Standing, she waited for Megan to do the same and was surprised when Megan grabbed her and hugged her.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For listening,” Megan said as she pulled back. “I know there’s my whole family in there and we’ve been doing nothing but talking, but…it’s all superficial talking. Everyone’s trying to keep Mom’s spirits up and I think that’s great. But eventually we’re going to have to talk about what’s going on.”
“Well, until we know for sure what’s going on, it’s all just speculation. I think once your father comes out of recovery and the doctors can do more scans and tests, the real conversations will begin.”
“I guess you’re right.” They started to walk back to the hospital. “So what about you?”
Sophie looked at her oddly. “What about me?”
“What’s your family like? Do you have any siblings?”
“Oh…um…” She was saved from answering when they ran into Carter out on the sidewalk.
“Is everything all right?” Megan asked.
He looked tense and angry and didn’t say anything at first—almost as if he was surprised to see them both there.
“Is it Dad? Is there an update? Is he awake?” When he still didn’t say anything, Megan grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “Dammit, Carter! What’s going on?”
“Mom dropped a bombshell and I had to get out of there,” he said with a huff, stepping out of her grasp.
“What? What did she say?”
“Apparently, Dad’s been sick for a while. Cancer.” He stopped and cursed, pacing a few steps away and then back again. “Cancer! And no one thought to say anything!”
“How? Why?”
“And he’s got a DNR that was suspended during the surgery, but now that he’s out, it’s back in play! I mean…this is crazy!”
All Sophie could think about was getting to Christian and with a muttered “excuse me,” she went in search of him.
* * *
It was late—well after midnight—and Christian couldn’t sleep. The day had been beyond exhausting, and as much as he tried to hold it together for his mother’s sake, he wasn’t very successful.
Once his father had been moved to ICU, the doctors all confirmed that it would be best to go home for the night. Everyone had gone to the hotel and had dinner together, but Christian was done with playing nice and being social. He was tired, he was angry—even more so after his mother’s big cancer reveal—and all he’d wanted was to go home and be alone.
Well, not entirely alone.
He wanted Sophie with him.
They’d stopped at her apartment, where she’d grabbed a change of clothes and picked up her car and then followed him back to his house. Once there, they’d gone for a long walk on the beach. Honestly, he wanted to get back in the car and just drive, and keep driving until they were far away from home and his family and everything he was dealing with. Running away had never been his style—except for the London incident—but right now it was looking mighty appealing.
The walk had done a lot to calm him down. Not once did either of them bring up the current situation and instead talked about neutral topics, even started making plans for what they wanted to explore and experience next.
Hot air balloons in Napa.
Go figure.
The look of pure delight on Sophie’s face when he agreed to go was quite possibly the greatest thing ever. He loved being able to make her laugh and smile and knew she probably hadn’t had a whole lot to laugh and smile about in her life. And that had him thinking about her—really thinking about her. Before this crisis with his family hit, she was dealing with one of her own. The two situations weren’t anything alike and yet…there was one similarity.
Their fathers.
Right now, knowing that his father was in grave condition, Christian couldn’t help but think of all the things he wished were different—the questions he had, now that he knew more from his uncle. Once Joseph was well enough to talk, that was something they were going to do. They were both getting older and life was too short to keep living with such animosity. The air needed to be cleared and their relationship still had a chance to be fixed.
But what about Sophie’s?
In the beginning, she’d been fairly adamant about not seeing her father—she didn’t want to see him. Then she started questioning that decision and wondering if maybe she should go just for her own peace of mind and to finally get the answers that she wanted. She’d waffled, and still hadn’t made a decision.
Sighing, he shifted and hugged her closer. She was sound asleep and had been for well over an hour. After their walk, they’d come inside and had some popcorn and wine while they watched some TV before coming up to bed. Sophie read for a while; Christian had his laptop and had checked emails and read some of the news in hopes of putting himself to sleep.
Nothing had worked.
So now what? Count sheep?
Another sigh.
His phone was on the nightstand and he thought about texting his brother. Things had grown tense earlier in the day and they hadn’t had a chance to sit and talk alone like Carter and Megan had. And the only reason he knew they had was because Sophie had told him when she’d come in after their walk. Now he wanted to talk, but he didn’t want to wake her up.
Waking his brother up wasn’t a concern.
He eyed his phone again and groaned. He was comfortable, somewhat relaxed, and the thought of getting up wasn’t as appealing as he thought it would be. Beside him, Sophie snuggled closer and sighed softly. Unable to help himself, he kissed the top of her head and she hummed in her sleep. He loved the sounds she made. He loved the feel of her. Hell, he loved her. And if his life wasn’t such a colossal mess right now, he’d totally wake her up and tell her.
Soon.
Things would return to normal soon and then he would do it.
Making that one little decision seemed to relax him more than he’d thought it would. Settling into his pillow a little deeper, he gave Sophie a gentle hug and one more kiss.
Talking to Carter could wait until the morning. Closing his eyes, Christian yawned and finally let himself fall asleep.
Only to be woken up an hour later by the ringing of his phone. Groggy, he reached for it without being able to open his eyes enough to see on the screen who was calling.
“H’lo?” he said, his voice a gruff whisper.
“Chris…we need to get to the hospital.” It was Carter.
“What happened?” he asked, instantly awake.
“He’s gone.”
Chapter 10
“May you be at ease. May you be free from suffering. May you be healed. May you know joy and lightness of being. May you dwell in comfort and compassion. May you be a source of comfort and compassion for all whom you meet. Go in peace.” The minister looked out at the group of people surrounding Joseph Montgomery’s casket and said, “Amen.”
All around, Christian heard people say “Amen” before coming forward to offer their condolences. They were graveside at the same cemetery in upstate New York where his grandparents were buried, and just like then, it was a cold, gray day.
It had been seven days since he’d received the phone call from his brother, and for most of that time he’d felt like he was simply walking around in a daze. He didn’t remember much about the drive to the hospital—Sophie had taken him. The days that followed were sort of a blur because there were so many details to deal with. The logistics of getting his father back to New York to be buried turned out to be more of a nightmare than he had thought possible.
He stood stiffly, staring at the casket that was going to be lowered into the ground once they were all gone, and felt numb. How did this happen? And why now? Why, when there had finally been a chance that they could have talked and maybe worked through their issues, did this have to happen?
So many people came over and shook his hand or hugged him while they shared a kind word about his father, and all he could do was nod. He was certain that later on he wouldn’t even be able to remember who had been here or who he’d spoken to. Faces blurred together and their words all sounded the same.
Before he knew it, the funeral director was ushering the immediate family back to the limos to take them home to his parents’ house. But Christian didn’t move.
“Chris?”
He turned and looked at his brother. “I need some time.”
“Mom wants to get back to the house. We can’t keep the car here for much longer.”
And while he knew that made sense, it still angered him. Wasn’t he allowed to grieve as well? Wasn’t he entitled to take an extra minute or two to say goodbye?
When he still didn’t move, Carter walked closer and let out a huff of annoyance. “Let me make sure Mom’s okay and then I’ll come back for you.”
He nodded. “Thanks.”
“It’s going to be about an hour. You sure you want to do this?”
“I need to.” Then he turned and looked toward the line of cars. “Where’s Sophie?”
“She’s in the car with Mom, Megan, and Alex. Do you want me to ask her to stay with you?”
“No. Just…just tell her I’ll be back at the house later.” Then he turned to the casket that was strewn with flowers and swallowed the lump in his throat.
Carter’s hand clasped him on the shoulder and squeezed. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Christian waited until he couldn’t hear any more cars and the air around him was still. There were chairs set up from the service, but he opted to stand, hands clasped in front of him.
“I know you never liked the phrase, but right now it’s the only one I can think of—it’s not fair. Things were coming to a head. I know that. But now we’ll never know how it would have worked out.” He paused and forced himself to breathe through the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him.
“I did everything you ever asked of me. I studied hard, worked hard, and tried to be everything I could to make you proud. But it was never enough.” His voice cracked and he felt the sting of tears, and even that made him angry. “Do you see what you’ve created here? What you’ve done? A normal son should be able to stand here and openly grieve for his father and yet I’m standing here fighting with myself and my emotions because you always said that crying made you weak. Well, I’m not weak!” he called out. “I have never been weak and I resent that you made me feel that way!”
A car drove down the small road that went through the middle of the cemetery and he waited until it was out of sight before he continued.
“I’m good at what I do, and on top of that, I’m a good person. Just once, I wish you would have acknowledged that and told me you were proud of me. I hated hearing Uncle William say you bragged about me, because I know exactly why you did it—it wasn’t to praise me, it was for yourself, to make you look good.”
Sighing loudly, he finally sat down on one of the chairs. Resting his elbows on his knees, he sank his fingers into his hair. When he looked at the casket, he knew he was never going to get answers. He was never going to know why Joseph Montgomery had chosen to put so much pressure on his oldest son or if there was ever anything Christian could have done to earn his praise or approval.
“It’s like you got the last word without saying a thing,” he said quietly. “I hate that our last conversation was spent picking at one another. I hate that you didn’t get to see how happy I am and what a great girl Sophie is.” Then he let out a mirthless laugh. “And it doesn’t matter that she works at Montgomerys part time, Dad. She’s amazing. She’s caring and funny and kind… Honestly, I don’t feel like I even deserve her. But you know what? For some reason, she cares about me and it feels so damn good to have her in my life. Her lightness and her honesty and…she gives me hope.”
A cool wind blew and he shivered. Maybe waiting an hour wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but he had needed this time. There were so many things he’d never have the chance to say, so many issues left unresolved. It was funny how he’d always thought there’d be more time—had actually felt optimistic about it while his father had been in the hospital—and now he knew with great finality that there wasn’t.
Now he had to worry about how his mother was doing and remember not to let so much time pass between the times they spoke. He’d make sure he called his siblings more and took an active interest in their lives. There were cousins to reach out to and keep in touch with, friends that he’d been meaning to call. The list was endless, and right now it was starting to feel like a daunting task. On top of all that, he had to work. Needed to work.
