EDITH. Oh it’s that horrid tube-thing they put down his throat – the doctor said the inflammation goes away eventually. There’s orange juice if anybody wants to make a Buck’s Fizz. Sheena?

  MATTHEW. Can… can he understand us?

  EDITH. Of course he can; you can understand everything, can’t you, Francis? Now stop making a fuss and let’s have a glass of champagne.

  ADAM. But, Mum, he can hardly move his… what’s the matter with…?

  EDITH. Adam, your father doesn’t want questions about his health. He wants to get on with Christmas.

  EDITH takes a swig of medicine, and begins to clean a beaker for FRANCIS.

  You’re in for a treat, Francis, we’ve spared no expense: turkey with all the trimmings. Matthew’s brought an intriguing new game for us to play…

  FRANCIS rejects the beaker.

  What, a glass? But this has a handle like the one – ? No, okay, all right… (Fetching and cleaning a champagne glass for FRANCIS.) Look at us all, standing around. Matthew, Adam, sit down with your dad. Tell him how you are. Adam, go on, tell your father.

  EDITH offers FRANCIS a glass of champagne with a straw. He determines to remove the straw.

  ADAM. I’m good, Dad…

  FRANCIS tries to engage ADAM in conversation about his cricket practice, but the only words he is able to articulate are ‘bat’, ‘ball’ and ‘line’.

  Things are looking good at the firm. We… what’s that? Is that… ball? Is that cricket? Mum, I don’t…?

  EDITH (translating). What’s that, Francis? Oh yes, yes – line and length.

  ADAM. Line and length? Yeah… ‘line and length’ I remember you telling me. Dad was always full of advice about the cricket. That didn’t work out so well for me though, did it?

  FRANCIS becomes confused.

  I don’t play cricket any more. I haven’t played for years. I’m a solicitor now. You know that…

  FRANCIS becomes frustrated.

  EDITH. Francis, Matthew has some wonderful news. Matthew, tell Dad your big news. Matthew?

  MATTHEW. I… I’ve been offered partnership by the firm.

  EDITH. Isn’t that fantastic? Astonishing.

  FRANCIS tries to speak – he wants to talk about MATTHEW’s performance as the Major General, but the only word he is able to articulate is ‘Major’.

  MATTHEW. What’s that, Dad…? I can’t…

  EDITH (translating). Major…? Oh yes, Major General.

  MATTHEW. Major General…?

  EDITH. He was wonderful in the Pirates of Penzance, wasn’t he? Do a bit for your dad. Go on.

  MATTHEW. No, I don’t sing any more. I gave that up a long time ago.

  FRANCIS becomes confused and upset.

  I’m a solicitor now, Dad.

  FRANCIS becomes frustrated and angry.

  EDITH. It’s all right, darling. I know, it’s confusing.

  ADAM. Mum, what’s happening?

  EDITH takes a good gulp of pain medication.

  EDITH (cleaning). Sometimes he gets confused and I find that if you correct him, it’s all the more upsetting. Apparently it’s fairly common after a setback of this kind.

  ADAM. What kind? What exactly did the doctor say? What were his exact words?

  EDITH (cleaning). He said it’s called a ‘delayed… stroke’.

  ADAM. What!

  MATTHEW. A stroke!

  SHEENA. Oh my God…

  EDITH (sipping medicine, cleaning). A minor stroke, a very minor, very common side affect of cardiac surgery and most people fully recover.

  ADAM. How could you not tell us about this?

  EDITH. I didn’t want to worry you over nothing. (To FRANCIS, cleaning him.) Darling, I’m sorry, talking about you as if you’re not there – how rude of us.

  ADAM. We need to talk to a doctor –

  EDITH (cleaning, sipping medicine). It’s Christmas, there are no doctors to talk to. And it won’t do any good to cause a scene. He’s on some very strong pain medication, and for now, he remembers what he remembers –

  ADAM. Which is what?

  EDITH. Well, clearly he still thinks that his youngest son acts and you still…

  ADAM. Play cricket.

  EDITH (cleaning). Yes. And I’d be very grateful if you would please…

  MATTHEW. Play along.

  EDITH (cleaning). It’s only temporary.

  ADAM. But, Mum, this is –

  EDITH (cleaning, sipping medication). Darling, it’s Christmas. (Beat.) Adam, talk to your father about practice, he’s keen to know. Adam?

  ADAM. Things are good, Dad… I’m working on my line and length…

  FRANCIS manages to articulate the word ‘fast’.

  I was always a very – sorry, I am a very fast bowler. But Dad thinks I need to work on my ‘line and length’. Like Glen McGrath.

  CARRIE (remaining seated). Who’s Glen McGrath?

  ADAM (affecting an accent). Did they teach you nothing at drama school, Barbie?

  MATTHEW. He’s a bowler.

  ADAM (affecting an accent). The most economical bowler of all time because of the accuracy and consistency of his line and length – his aim. Dad wants me to bowl like Glen McGrath. Isn’t that right, sir? General, sir!

  FRANCIS tries to encourage his son – he is able to say ‘good boy’.

  EDITH (translating). Yes, that’s right. He can do anything he puts his mind to. He’s a real talent.

  Beat.

  ADAM. Matt, why don’t you sing for Dad?

  MATTHEW. I’ll sing it later.

  FRANCIS tries to insist, but the only word he can say is ‘Major’.

  EDITH. Oh yes, sing a bit for Dad.

  ADAM (affecting an accent). Go on, Michael Ball, don’t deny him. Give us a song.

  MATTHEW half-heartedly sings the first verse and chorus of the Major General’s Song from Gilbert & Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance. CARRIE watches the scene unfold with disbelief.

  MATTHEW (standing, singing).

  I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

  I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,

  I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,

  From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical,

  I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,

  I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,

  About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,

  With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

  EDITH. Don’t stop, keep going.

  MATTHEW (singing).

  I’m very good at integral and differential calculus…

  I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:

  In short, in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,

  I am the very model of a modern Major-General!

  They all applaud.

  ADAM (affecting an accent). As good today as it was then, Barbra Streisand.

  MATTHEW. Bit like your bowling, mate.

  EDITH. Now who’d like a mince pie?

  ADAM (affecting an accent). Perhaps you needed to do your vocal warm-up, Pavarotti.

  EDITH. We’ve got two sorts: one from Sheena and the other made by Carrie.

  ADAM. Me ma me ma me ma me ma… rrrrrrr… Double bubble gum, quadruple double bubble gum… I’ve got a tiny little –

  MATTHEW. Hey, Adam, maybe you need to go outside and practise your line and length? Why don’t we all come out and watch you? We could set out some chairs, put up a scoreboard?

  FRANCIS attempts to intervene as his sons bicker. He’s frustrated by his inability to control them.

  EDITH. Speaking of scoreboards, why don’t we play a game?

  SHEENA. I’ll try one of Carrie’s.

  ADAM (affecting an accent). When I’m a famous movie star I’m going to buy my mummy a house and my daddy a house, but not my stinky brother. No house for you!

  CARRIE. I’ll have one of Sheena’s.

  MATTHEW (imitating his fourteen-year-old brother). When I’m Captain of the England team I’m going to have six girlfriends and a Ferrari.

  SHEENA. Mmm, Carrie, how do you get such a… crunch?

  ADAM (affecting an accent). When I leave school I’m going to go to RADA because that’s where all the best most famous actors go.

  CARRIE. Sheena, these are… you just don’t need the sugar, do you?

  MATTHEW. When I’m a sports star I’m going to be even more famous than my daddy.

  ADAM (affecting an accent). I hope I don’t let my daddy talk me out of it and end up at law school instead of drama school.

  MATTHEW. I hope I don’t completely lose my nerve in front of thousands of people and fail ever again to get it back.

  EDITH. Matthew, Adam, I need a hand with the card table, please.

  ADAM (affecting an accent). Because acting’s just a hobby, isn’t that right, General? Definitely not a viable career option! No, sir!

  MATTHEW (imitating ADAM). My arm! My arm! (Clumsily bowling an imaginary ball.) What’s happening! Every time I bowl the ball I just keep punching myself in the face!

  EDITH cries out in pain and clutches her back.

  Mum – ! (Attending to his mother.) Mum, stop it, you’re overdoing it.

  EDITH retrieves a third sachet of pain medication and begins to mix it with water.

  EDITH (attempting to clean). I’m not overdoing it.

  MATTHEW. We’re not having you on your back for days like last time. What is that?

  EDITH. It’s just Solpadine. Go and set up your game, please.

  MATTHEW inspects the dosage instructions on the packet.

  MATTHEW. Yeah, but you’re not supposed to drink it like orange squash.

  EDITH (attempting to clean). Don’t fuss, don’t fuss.

  MATTHEW (confiscating the medication). No, Mum, that’s enough, you’ve had two already.

  MATTHEW prevents EDITH from self-medicating. EDITH is unable to keep calm.

  EDITH (without cleaning, without calm). Stop manhandling me! Why do you have to always fuss around me? Wherever I am you’re always there invading my space. You were the same as child, clinging to my skirts, desperate to please, desperate for approval!

  In his frustration, FRANCIS spills the contents of his champagne glass over himself.

  Oh look what’s happened now. I’m sorry, Francis, Matthew was distracting me. Oh dear, you’ll need a new shirt. Adam and Sheena, help me, please. Matthew, set up your game please, it’s your responsibility. (To ADAM.) Careful, careful.

  ADAM, SHEENA, EDITH and FRANCIS exit.

  MATTHEW (standing). Oh my God… It’s bad, isn’t it? He’s in a really bad way. I had no idea that he’d be this… Mum said he was recovering, he was getting better. She must be in denial. What if he doesn’t get better? What if he’s always…? Carrie, I think I’m in shock. Can I have a hug?

  CARRIE and MATTHEW hug. After a moment…

  CARRIE (remaining seated). Matthew, what was Adam talking about just now before Francis arrived?

  MATTHEW. What?

  CARRIE. Why did he accuse you of trying to seduce Sheena? I really want to be there for you – and I am – but I need to know. And before you answer, stop telling me what you think I want to hear and try telling the truth.

  Scene Two

  The following rules are displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:

  Rule 1: Matthew must sit and eat to tell a lie… until he gets a compliment

  Rule 2: Carrie must stand and dance around to tell a joke

  Rule 3: Sheena must drink and interrupt to contradict

  Rule 4. Adam must affect an accent and name-call to mock

  Rule 5. Edith must clean and self-medicate to keep calm

  From now on, once MATTHEW has started lying, he cannot stop lying until he receives a compliment. You may wish to add a sound effect or visual cue to indicate that a rule has become activated (or ‘live’), and another to indicate that the rule has been deactivated (or ‘no longer live’).

  MATTHEW (standing). All right you want the truth, here’s the truth: Sheena and Adam are having serious problems. And the moment I asked him about it, he just started attacking me. He’s become incredibly defensive. (Whispering.) Ever since the cricket. It really messed with his head. But he’s in total denial about it, he just wants to pretend everything’s fine.

  CARRIE. There seems to be a lot of that going around.

  MATTHEW. What are you talking about?

  CARRIE. Is there something going on between you and Sheena?

  MATTHEW (standing). No, no of course not.

  CARRIE. Do you want there to be something going on with you and Sheena?

  Rule 1 becomes live. It will remain live until MATTHEW gets a compliment.

  MATTHEW (sitting, eating). No, no of course I don’t. I’ve never even contemplated it. Why would I when I’m so in love with you…? You’re my perfect woman… I still feel exactly the same way about you as when we first met. Don’t you feel the same?

  CARRIE. I just feel… like you’re pulling away from me.

  Having failed to get a compliment, MATTHEW must tell another lie.

  MATTHEW (sitting, eating). No, no, not at all – I still wake up every day thanking my lucky stars you’re mine. Don’t you…?

  CARRIE. Well… then what are we doing? We’ve been together nearly a year and we haven’t even talked about going on holiday together, yet. In fact you didn’t even ask me to come with you for Christmas – I had to ask myself. And I get here and you’re being accused of seducing Sheena! What am I supposed to think? I really want to believe you, but there’s this nagging voice telling me that you’re just stringing me along.

  Having still failed to get a compliment, MATTHEW must tell another lie.

  MATTHEW (searching for more food). What…? Carrie…!

  CARRIE. And I don’t want to waste another year of my life while you keep stalling. I mean I don’t even want to waste another minute. I’m going to get my coat and go explain why I’m not staying for lunch.

  MATTHEW. No, no, no… (Finding food, sitting, eating.) Carrie, you’re being completely unreasonable.

  CARRIE. Well either you’re stringing me along or you’re not. Actions speak louder than words.

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). I’m not, I’m not. In fact…

  CARRIE. Yes?

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). I was going to…

  CARRIE. What?

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). Propose.

  CARRIE. What…? When…?

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). Today.

  CARRIE. Are you being serious?

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). Yes.

  CARRIE. Have you got a ring?

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). Yes.

  CARRIE. Where is it?

  MATTHEW (remaining seated, eating). Upstairs. That’s why Sheena was hugging me – I was… asking her advice. About the best time to propose.

  CARRIE. Oh my God… I can’t believe it! You’re going to propose? Oh God, I’m such an idiot, I’m so sorry I accused you of all those terrible things. I love you, too, you’re my perfect man.

  Having finally got a compliment, Rule 1 is no longer live.

  MATTHEW (standing, without eating). Thank you.

  CARRIE. Oh my God we’re getting married!

  MATTHEW (remaining standing). Oh my God we’re getting married…

  CARRIE. I can’t believe you’re going to propose!

  MATTHEW. Neither can I…

  CARRIE (sitting). I can’t wait to tell your family!

  MATTHEW. Wait. Wait, slow down. Honey, the thing is, the situation with my dad is a lot worse than I thought. He’s already so confused. Can we wait until he’s well enough to understand?

  CARRIE. Of course, but… Can we at least tell your mum?

  MATTHEW. Oh no, definitely not.

  CARRIE. Why not, you think she won’t be pleased?

  MATTHEW. I… I didn’t say that.

  CARRIE. She doesn’t like me. I knew it – she’s never liked me and I’m never going to fit in!

  Scene Three

  The following rules are displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:

  Rule 1: Matthew must sit and eat to tell a lie… until he gets a compliment

  Rule 2: Carrie must stand and dance around to tell a joke… until she gets a laugh

  Rule 3: Sheena must drink and interrupt to contradict

  Rule 4. Adam must affect an accent and name-call to mock

  Rule 5. Edith must clean and self-medicate to keep calm

  From now on, once CARRIE has started joking, she cannot stop joking until she gets a laugh.

  MATTHEW. Carrie, I’m just saying Mum has a lot on her plate right now. Besides, she wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret from Dad, and we need to tread carefully given the state he’s in.

  CARRIE. So all the more reason to tell him now, before it’s too late.

  MATTHEW. What? Dad’s barely through the door and you’re already thinking he’s going to… How can you say such a thing to me?

  Rule 2 becomes live; it will remain live until CARRIE gets a laugh.

  CARRIE. I’m sorry, I didn’t… Course we can keep it a secret – the only important people here are you and me… (Standing and dancing around.) And Beyoncé! So to paraphrase her words ‘you like it so you’re gonna put a ring on it’. Yes you like it so you’re gonna put a ring on it!

  MATTHEW. Carrie, it’s not funny –

  Having failed to get a laugh, CARRIE must tell another joke.

  CARRIE (standing, dancing around). Oh, you won’t be mad when you see that he wants it. Because you like it so you’re gonna put a ring on it. Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ooh woh oh oh –

  MATTHEW restrains CARRIE and forces her to sit.

  MATTHEW. No, Carrie, this is what I’m talking about. Mum and Dad are very fragile right now – I need you to really dial it back, like all the way. Or are you physically incapable of doing that?

  Having still failed to get a laugh, CARRIE must tell another joke.

  CARRIE (pulling out of MATTHEW’s grip, standing, dancing around). Er hello, have you met me? I’m physically capable of anything! High kick of subtlety!

  As CARRIE chases her laugh, MATTHEW chases CARRIE in an attempt to restrain her.

 

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