Rules for Living, page 3
MATTHEW (standing). Thanks, thank you. And that’s great news about your article. What’s it about?
ADAM. It’s not important.
EDITH. Of course it’s important – tell him what it’s about.
MATTHEW. Tell me.
ADAM. Healthcare Litigation Financing and the Management of Risk.
Beat.
MATTHEW/CARRIE/EDITH. Great, that’s great. / That sounds really clever. / Isn’t that great?
EDITH. It had some really good jokes. What was that one about the, the… it was a sports metaphor.
ADAM. It doesn’t matter
MATTHEW/EDITH. No, tell us. / Tell him.
ADAM (affecting an accent). ‘Every time the surgeons hit the lawyers for six, the judicial system moves the boundary!’ Wahey!
EDITH. Isn’t it good?
MATTHEW. Very good, very nice.
CARRIE. I’m not sure I get it.
MATTHEW. He’s referring to the fact that surgeons are always getting sued. But every time they win the law changes so they can continue to be sued.
CARRIE. Oh… yes, okay, that’s funny.
ADAM (affecting an accent). Cutting-edge comedy: legal wordplay!
EDITH. It’s a really good piece of writing – you’re a good writer.
ADAM. It’s no big deal – I didn’t spend much time on it.
SHEENA. He’s right, he didn’t.
EDITH. Well, I’m just so proud of both my boys. And so is your father. We’re very lucky to have two equally brilliant sons. Matthew, you’ve found a way to put your acting talents to such good use.
ADAM (affecting an accent). ‘There’s more money to be made when you’re called to the bar than when you’re treading the boards.’
MATTHEW. Dad was always saying that.
EDITH. Dad was right. He said you’d excel as a lawyer and look at how well that’s worked out for you. (To ADAM.) And you as well, darling, it’s all worked out for the best, hasn’t it?
ADAM (affecting an accent). I’d have hated to be a famous cricketer – it would’ve been a real drag!
EDITH. Fame is a curse. I look at some of these television sports people and I feel sorry for them: there’s no privacy. Think of how it would’ve affected Emma. You’d be off to Australia, Sri Lanka –
ADAM (affecting an accent). Sounds hideous!
MATTHEW (sitting). Ghastly!
EDITH. You wouldn’t be having Christmas here with your family, would you? And family is not just an important thing –
ADAM/MATTHEW (MATTHEW stands, ADAM affects an accent). It’s everything!
EDITH. Your father taught you that.
MATTHEW. How is he, Mum?
EDITH. He’s fine, darling. (To ADAM.) Adam, is that what you’re wearing?
ADAM (affecting an accent). Apparently not.
EDITH. What would your father say? Come on, wear a shirt.
MATTHEW. Mum, tell us about Dad, how is he?
EDITH. He’s healing really well – the doctor assures me that he stands every chance of making a full recovery. He just needs to stay positive and that’s what we’re for.
MATTHEW. Sure, sure.
ADAM. Of course.
EDITH. After everything he’s done for us the least we can do is try really hard to make this the perfect Christmas Day for him!
SHEENA/MATTHEW/ADAM/CARRIE. Of course. / We won’t let him down. / He can count on us. / Absolutely.
EDITH. Right, quickly, no more chatting, we’ve got so much to get through! Sheena, can you get on and taste the wine? It’s Dad’s favourite and I couldn’t bear it if it had spoiled.
SHEENA tastes the wine, she swills it round her mouth.
Tell me it’s fine – it’s fine, isn’t it?
SHEENA spits it out into a glass.
SHEENA. Yes, it’s fine. It’s delicious.
EDITH. Oh good. Dad’ll be delighted. (Referring to the table.) Hold on a minute. Sheena, you’ve forgotten a place. We’re seven. There are seven of us. Matthew, Adam, Francis, the three of us and Emma. That makes seven.
SHEENA (drinking and swallowing). No, actually, we’re six. Emma won’t be joining us for lunch; she needs to stay in bed.
Scene Six
The following rules are disclosed to the audience for the duration of the scene:
Rule 1. Matthew must sit to tell a lie
Rule 2. Carrie must stand to tell a joke
Rule 3. Sheena must drink to contradict
Rule 4. Adam must affect an accent to mock
Rule 5. Edith must clean to keep calm
The general idea is that EDITH’s cleaning becomes increasingly thorough and obsessive over time. EDITH may hum or sing to herself, from time to time, as she cleans – whatever necessary to calm herself.
EDITH. Emma won’t be joining us for lunch?
SHEENA. I’m sorry, Edith, but she’s just not well enough. We’re under strict instructions from her doctor. He says that busy social situations overwhelm her.
EDITH. I’d hardly call a quiet lunch with the family a ‘busy social situation’.
SHEENA. Well… (Drinking.) Actually it is. We’re trying to establish her ‘Energy Envelope’. We need to know how much is in the envelope before we ask her to stretch herself. I’m sorry.
EDITH. Don’t apologise to me, it doesn’t matter a bit to me, it’s Francis I worry about, who knows how often he’ll get to have Christmas lunch with his granddaughter in the future? But I suppose that’s not important, we can just explain: ‘Sorry, you can’t spend time with your granddaughter on the most important day of the year, because she’s a bit sleepy and she’d rather take a nap!’
EDITH begins to clean; she cleans throughout the following.
MATTHEW. Mum…?
SHEENA (drinking). Actually, it’s rather more serious than that. We think we finally have a diagnosis.
MATTHEW. What? When was this?
SHEENA. They think she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
CARRIE. What does that mean?
ADAM (affecting an accent). It means she’s fatigued chronically.
SHEENA. It means that she’s persistently tired to the point of not being able to function normally.
MATTHEW. Was this recently? Why didn’t you tell me? I mean us, why didn’t you tell us?
CARRIE. What causes it?
ADAM. They don’t really know. Sometimes it starts after a virus, but she never had a virus.
MATTHEW. How do they treat it?
SHEENA. Rest, mainly. And… therapy.
CARRIE. Therapy?
SHEENA. It’s a medical condition with associated psychiatric symptoms.
EDITH. Whose shoes are these?
MATTHEW. What do you mean ‘psychiatric symptoms’?
SHEENA. We’ve been talking to a therapist, a cognitive behavioural therapist. CBT is a good therapy style for treating anxiety.
EDITH. Whose shoes are these, please?
SHEENA. We think she might be suffering from adrenal stress because of excessive anxiety.
CARRIE. Why?
SHEENA. Well that’s what we’re trying to understand.
CARRIE. What d’you think is making her anxious?
ADAM (affecting an accent). That is what we’re trying to understand, Carrie.
SHEENA. She has very low self-esteem.
EDITH (without cleaning, without calm). Unless somebody claims these, I’m going to throw them out.
ADAM. They’re mine.
EDITH. Put them on or put them away, please.
EDITH resumes cleaning.
MATTHEW. Carry on, Shay.
SHEENA (drinking). No, I don’t think now’s the time.
MATTHEW. Yes it is. Mum, come and sit down, we need to talk about this as a family. It’s important. Mum?
EDITH. All right, all right, I’m coming.
EDITH stops cleaning and sits at the table with SHEENA.
MATTHEW. Explain from the beginning, Shay. We’re all here for you, we’re all listening. What is this Cognitive…?
SHEENA. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
MATTHEW. Right.
SHEENA. Well… it’s a type of therapy they often recommend for people suffering from anxiety or depression. The idea is…
MATTHEW. Go on.
SHEENA. I’m no expert, but the gist of it is – anxious or depressed people tend to have very negative ‘core beliefs’ about themselves. ‘I’m useless’, ‘I’m worthless’, ‘I’m unlovable’, that sort of thing.
MATTHEW. Sure, sure, yeah…
EDITH begins to clean the cutlery/glasses on the table.
SHEENA. And CBT helps you to… change those ‘core beliefs’. Or at least to manage them.
MATTHEW. So Emma has negative core beliefs?
SHEENA. She believes she’s inadequate.
CARRIE. No…
MATTHEW. In what way?
SHEENA. In… just about every way.
MATTHEW. But she’s wonderful.
SHEENA. I know, of course she is. But that’s not how she sees herself – and it colours every interaction she has, with anyone, every day. If she, say… waves at a friend across the street and they don’t wave back, or someone snaps at her in school, or, her father teases her –
ADAM. Hey, she knows I’m only joking.
SHEENA. – she automatically assumes that it’s because she’s somehow not good enough. In fact, she takes it as further evidence that she’s inadequate. So it’s like a feedback loop. And she’s undermining herself so much that it’s making her ill.
EDITH. She should spend more time outdoors.
ADAM. Well I’m trying – we’re hoping that she’ll agree to walk up to Shepherd’s Lookout tomorrow.
EDITH. She works too hard, that’s her problem.
SHEENA. She does, because she’s trying to compensate for feeling inadequate. According to the therapist, even when you have a low opinion of yourself you still have to get on with life and so you create ‘rules for living’ to help you through the day.
MATTHEW. Like what?
SHEENA. Like demanding of yourself that you must be the best, or the most beautiful or most successful – that kind of thing.
EDITH gets up from the table to clean the room.
MATTHEW. So what’s Emma’s?
SHEENA. She thinks she must be perfect.
MATTTHEW. But nobody’s perfect.
CARRIE (standing). I am. (Sitting.) I’m not. Sorry, carry on.
SHEENA. She thinks if she gets the perfect grades; if she has the perfect friends; if she says and does everything perfectly then maybe no one will notice that she’s not good enough.
EDITH (cleaning). Some rules are helpful: eat your greens; be on time; respect your elders – if we had no rules there’d be anarchy.
SHEENA. Yes… (Drinking.) But. A rule that might seem helpful to begin with can actually become toxic.
MATTHEW. Yeah, no, yeah…
SHEENA. For example, a girl might start out wanting to lose a little weight – so she sets a rule: ‘If I lose weight, people will find me more attractive.’ And at first it may even work – people say she’s looking great. But then she keeps going – ‘If I lose more weight, people will like me even more…’ And before you know it, she’s anorexic.
ADAM (affecting an accent). At ease, Matthew.
MATTHEW. Hey… some of us are trying to listen here. Shay?
SHEENA. Emma started out trying to get better marks at school. Get on the hockey team. Do well at violin. We thought she was thriving, everyone was praising her – as far as she was concerned, her rule was working. But she couldn’t stop. She just kept going to more and more extreme lengths.
EDITH begins to hum as she cleans.
MATTHEW. Like what?
SHEENA. Staying up all night, trying to do the perfect art project, the perfect essay… having panic attacks about every test… trying to get onto every team, which isn’t even possible.
ADAM. We did try to tell her to slow down, it’s not like –
SHEENA. Of course we did – but she couldn’t. If she let her grades slip even a little, she thought everyone would start blaming her. She thought the perfectionism was solving her problems, rather than causing them.
EDITH’s cleaning becomes disruptive. SHEENA has to work hard to get her point across.
What she really needed to do was confront her core belief – to realise that people like her for who she is, not for what she achieves. But what she actually did was try harder and harder to meet the terms of her rule in order to disguise her true self from everybody.
MATTHEW. No wonder she’s exhausted.
SHEENA. Exactly, and now on the verge of a complete psychological breakdown!
EDITH lets out a gasp of pain and clutches her back.
MATTHEW. Mum? Mum, what are you doing? Stop that or you’ll put your back out.
EDITH continues to clean despite the pain in her back.
Let me do that, go and talk to Sheena. Give me that and go and sit down.
MATTHEW stops his mother from cleaning. Unable to clean, she’s unable to keep calm.
EDITH (without cleaning, without calm). Actually I’d love to sit and talk, Matthew, but we can’t all sit around all day because somebody has to get ready for your father’s arrival.
MATTHEW. I know, but it’s important to talk about Emma’s illness.
EDITH (without cleaning, without calm). Well in my day we never had such a thing. You couldn’t just stay in bed all day. Our parents wouldn’t hear of it. They’d have called you lazy!
MATTHEW. Mum –
EDITH (without cleaning, without calm). When I was fourteen I was raising my sisters. Three of them. With an absent father and mother ill in bed. Do you imagine I didn’t want to curl up on the sofa and have someone talk to me about my ‘Energy Envelope’? No, I just had to get on with it, didn’t I? I didn’t have a choice! (Cleaning, calming.) Darlings, whose bags are these? Are they yours?
MATTHEW. Yes, don’t lift them, I’ll do it.
EDITH (cleaning). Carrie, I’m sorry, but I haven’t had time to make up the bed in the best spare for you. Would you mind giving me a hand? It puts my back out to do it alone.
CARRIE. The best spare… room?
EDITH (cleaning). Yes, House Rules I’m afraid. I know it’s rather old-fashioned, but Francis is a traditional man. And until you’re married… I hope you understand.
CARRIE. Oh right… sure, of course. (Standing.) But you needn’t worry, there’s no risk of Matthew and me ‘living in sin’ – he’d have to ask me to move in with him first!
EDITH, MATTHEW and CARRIE exit.
ADAM. Thanks for agreeing to stay the night, I know it wasn’t the deal.
SHEENA. You’re right, it wasn’t the deal.
ADAM. I know, but Mum really appreciates it. I really appreciate it. And it gives us some time to… D’you know the first thing Emma said to me when I arrived this morning?
SHEENA. Adam, please –
ADAM. She said, ‘I miss you, Daddy, when are you coming home?’
MATTHEW enters carrying the log basket. ADAM puts an arm around SHEENA.
(Affecting an accent.) Are you and Carrie looking forward to a little Victorian-era corridor-creeping tonight?
SHEENA (untangling herself from ADAM’s embrace). Adam’s volunteered to sleep on the floor in Emma’s room to keep her company, so you won’t be the only ones sleeping alone.
Beat.
MATTHEW. Mum said to remind you to get the logs.
ADAM. Trade you the logs for the potatoes.
MATTHEW. Already done. Anyhow, I don’t think it’s wise to deviate from The Plan.
ADAM (taking the log basket). Sure… (To SHEENA.) Let’s stick to the plan, then, shall we?
MATTHEW looks between ADAM and SHEENA, confused. ADAM exits to the garden.
MATTHEW. Alone at last… Shay, look, I’m so sorry about Emma. It makes me feel desperate to think of her so unhappy. But it’s good you have a diagnosis.
SHEENA. Well, that didn’t go down so well with your mum.
MATTHEW. Oh she was just… just give her a bit of time. She’ll be… just give her time. Look, why don’t I get you a glass of wine?
SHEENA. Matt…
MATTHEW. Come on, one small glass of wine isn’t going to hurt anybody. And let’s be honest, Christmas is a lot easier with a glass of wine inside you. You know I’m right.
SHEENA. Go on then, just one. But if I’m going to break my Christmas resolution, then you have to break yours: have a mince pie. They’re gluten- and sugar-free – fewer calories.
MATTHEW. All right, but don’t tell Carrie – she’d be mad at me if she knew I didn’t have one of hers.
SHEENA. Don’t tell Adam – I promised him I wouldn’t.
MATTHEW. Scout’s honour. It’ll be our little secret.
MATTHEW pours SHEENA a glass of wine; SHEENA fetches MATTHEW a mince pie.
So, look, I know Emma’s illness isn’t the only thing upsetting you. Come on then, spill the beans – I’ve been wanting to ask since the moment I saw you: what happened with you and Adam?
SHEENA. What d’you mean?
MATTHEW. When we last spoke on the phone… I’ve never heard you so upset.
SHEENA stares at the glass of wine being poured.
SHEENA. Was I? Was I really?
MATTHEW puts down the bottle of wine to labour his point.
MATTHEW. Yes. And then you didn’t call me back, so I had no idea what was going on.
SHEENA. D’you want me to pour that?
MATTHEW (pouring the wine). I didn’t know if you were even going to come today. I thought maybe that was it, maybe you’d packed your bags and walked out.
SHEENA. What…? (Reaching eagerly for the glass, drinking.) No, no that was never going to happen. Look, I really shouldn’t have told you in the first place – I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Everything’s back to normal now; in fact, it’s like it never happened.
Scene Seven
The following rules are disclosed to the audience for the duration of the scene:
Rule 1. Matthew must sit and eat to tell a lie
Rule 2. Carrie must stand to tell a joke
Rule 3. Sheena must drink to contradict
Rule 4. Adam must affect an accent to mock
Rule 5. Edith must clean to keep calm
When it is stated that MATTHEW eats, a small mouthful will suffice.
