Rules for Living, page 10
MATTHEW swipes ineffectually at ADAM.
SHEENA/CARRIE/EDITH. Matthew!
ADAM (recoiling, affecting an accent). Fatty, what was that? Was that another marriage proposal?
MATTHEW lunges again at his brother. ADAM dives out of the way. MATTHEW chases ADAM around the kitchen table.
CARRIE watches in shock, while SHEENA and EDITH attempt to intervene.
EDITH (cleaning manically). Boys, boys, careful, darlings – !
ADAM (affecting an accent). Less pudding, Fatty, and you might run a bit faster.
SHEENA (drinking, interrupting). No, no, no, stop it, stop it – !
SHEENA succeeds in coming between the two brothers.
Please, please don’t. I can’t bear that you’re fighting over me!
The brothers stagger back, catching their breath.
CARRIE (standing, jigging around. To SHEENA). Oh please. You love it. (Imitating SHEENA.) Oh, Matthew, I’m so sad and alone and needy / and desperate…
SHEENA (drinking, interrupting). Says the woman with her tits on fucking stilts!
CARRIE lunges at SHEENA – they fight. The brothers attempt to break them apart but become embroiled in the fighting. ADAM trips and falls over EDITH.
EDITH cries out in agony and clutches her back, bringing the fighting to a halt.
EDITH. Adam… what have you done?
ADAM (affecting an accent). Me…? What about Dough Boy –
EDITH. How could you let this happen!
ADAM (affecting an accent). How is this my fault! / I’m not the one who –
SHEENA (to ADAM, drinking, interrupting). It’s always your fault: you push and push until people say things they don’t mean.
EDITH. Now everything is ruined!
ADAM (affecting, an accent). No, no I’m not taking the blame for this. (To SHEENA.) I told you he had feelings for you, Clogs, I warned you – it was never about his sensitive little soul and all about his throbbing little penis. But you didn’t listen, you were so flattered – this is your responsibility! (To MATTHEW.) You, Chubby Broccoli, were trying to seduce my wife. You were trying to sabotage my marriage, while pretending you cared so much about me, you deceitful little shit! (To EDITH.) And you, you geriatric junkie, Matthew is not a ‘martyr’ he is a two-faced slimy liar, and you have always let him get away with everything! (Still to EDITH.) And you’re so baked out of your mind that you let your husband get away with shagging half the home counties! (To CARRIE.) And you… what the fuck have you been doing? He’s more likely to marry me than he is you. Get your head out your fucking arse! I will not be the fall guy for a bunch alcoholic, pill-popping, compulsive-lying, sex-offending, West End Wendies! None of this is my fault – you are all to blame!
Having deflected blame onto his whole family, Rule 4 is no longer live.
SHEENA. Well done. Top marks: ten out of ten! You’ve succeeded in alienating everyone you love. Congratulations!
EDITH. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, if you have nothing nice to say, then you can… go fuck yourselves!
EDITH hurls the turkey platter across the room.
The following title card is displayed to the audience and obscures the rules:
‘ANARCHY RULES’
MATTHEW launches himself at ADAM.
CARRIE lunges for SHEENA, shoving her across the room.
The brothers grapple – kicking, punching, brandishing utensils as weapons.
CARRIE holds SHEENA down by the hair and pours a bottle of wine all down her dress. SHEENA retaliates with fist full of sprouts.
They fight with wild, cathartic abandon, EDITH tears apart her perfect kitchen, making as much mess as possible.
FRANCIS delights in the drama – smiling and waving his arm as though conducting an orchestra.
As the fighting escalates, ADAM chases MATTHEW who dives for cover behind FRANCIS’s wheelchair.
ADAM. Oh that’s right – hide behind Dad, just like always! Why don’t you sing for him too?
ADAM grabs a bowl of roast potatoes from the table, and begins hurling them at MATTHEW.
MATTHEW (dodging, singing).
‘In fact in matters vegetable animal and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major General.’
ADAM. Sheena, you’re right: talking about your feelings is helpful; I haven’t felt this good in years! (Affecting an accent.) You enjoying this, old man? Are we putting on a good enough show for you? (Bowling repeatedly at MATTHEW.) How’s this for line and length, Dad? Line and length. Line and length. Line and fucking length!
Each time MATTHEW bowls, FRANCIS tries to call it ‘wide’.
Trying to escape the potato-fire, MATTHEW bundles into CARRIE and SHEENA, sending all three sprawling.
CARRIE (to MATTHEW). You utter shit…
ADAM (elated). Oh my God, did you just see that? I’m bowling straight! (Bowling.) Holy shit – I’m actually bowling straight! Shay, it’s back!
SHEENA (to ADAM). So what? You’re forty-two – no one gives a shit!
CARRIE attacks MATTHEW, SHEENA attacks ADAM.
CARRIE (to MATTHEW). You lying, cowardly, pitiful, devious –
SHEENA (to ADAM). You selfish, self-pitying, blame-shifting, narcissistic –
At the height of the chaos, EDITH flips the dining table over, sending food, plates and glassware crashing to the ground, rolling towards the door to the hallway…
…where EMMA is standing – a fourteen-year-old girl in colourful Christmas pyjamas, entering from the hallway. She surveys the carnage, horrified.
EDITH. Emma…!
Everyone stops short. All eyes turn towards her.
The fighting couples immediately release their grip on each other.
SHEENA. Emma…!
ADAM. Emma…!
EMMA. Mummy…? Daddy…?
ADAM. Emma… Hey, munchkin…
ADAM steps towards his child, she backs away. He looks down at himself – his clothes are torn, and he is sodden head to toe with food, drink and blood.
SHEENA. Emma, honey, what are you doing out of bed?
EMMA. I… I wanted to come down and tell you that… I’d like to try and climb the hill tomorrow. I know I said I didn’t want to. But I was just scared. Because if I don’t make it to the top, then it means… I’m not good enough. So I can’t be… happy. But I’ve been thinking… maybe the way I try to make myself happy has gotten all twisted and… now it’s making me miserable, but I keep doing it anyway, because I think if I stop, things will get even worse. But maybe I do need to stop now, and just… see what happens. So… even though I really want to get to the top… I think maybe… I don’t really need to. And so if I don’t, then it doesn’t mean it’ll be awful and terrible, but just a bit upsetting. And… I can handle that… (Beat.) What the fuck are you all doing?
Lights down.
Scene Seven
Thirty minutes later.
EDITH enters and sits in a chair. She looks at the wreckage.
MATTHEW enters carrying his suitcase.
MATTHEW. Mum… is Adam…?
EDITH. Upstairs. With Sheena. Where’s Carrie?
MATTHEW. She’s calling a taxi. She told me if I didn’t leave her alone, she’d stab me… I’m going to head off. I don’t think I can face –
EDITH (remaining seated). Of course, darling, I understand. Drive carefully and let me know when you’re home safe, won’t you? You’ll be all right. You’ve got your partnership to look forward to, haven’t you? You’ll be all right, won’t you?
Rule 1 flickers: ‘Rule 1: Matthew must sit to tell a lie’.
MATTHEW pulls out a chair as if he is about to sit, but then decides against it.
MATTHEW (remaining standing). I don’t know if I will.
EDITH. Of course you will.
MATTHEW. I don’t know what I feel any more.
EDITH. Just don’t do anything rash. Promise me you won’t do anything rash.
MATTHEW (sitting beside his mother). I promise.
Rule 1 is displayed to the audience: ‘Rule 1: Matthew must sit to tell a lie’.
EDITH. That’s my boy. You always were the reliable one. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
MATTHEW (standing). Thanks, Mum.
EDITH. Say goodbye to Dad on your way out. Oh, and if he’s fallen asleep, turn off the television.
MATTHEW kisses his mother and makes to leave. He pauses by the door.
MATTHEW. I love you, Mum.
EDITH. I love you, too, darling.
MATTHEW exits.
EDITH continues to stare into space.
CARRIE enters carrying her suitcase. She fetches her purse.
Carrie…
CARRIE. Is Matthew…?
EDITH. Gone.
CARRIE (sitting). I just wanted to say goodbye.
EDITH. We’ll all look back on this and laugh about it some day, won’t we? This whole situation will make a good joke, won’t it?
Rule 2, in its original formation, flickers: ‘Rule 2: Carrie must stand to tell a joke’.
CARRIE (standing). No. I don’t think it will.
Rule 2 disappears.
(Remaining standing.) I knew he didn’t love me. Deep down I knew. Because you know, don’t you? I’ve known in the past when somebody truly loved me. But… it seems I don’t want any man who wants me… I think maybe I’m so busy trying to get the next person to love me that I… I ignore the people who already do… Anyway… Goodbye, Edith.
CARRIE exits.
EDITH (to herself). What a pity, I was just starting to like her.
SHEENA enters.
SHEENA. Edith, my taxi will be here any minute. I just wanted to let you know that Emma is staying the night here with Adam. We’ve agreed that he’s going to look for somewhere else to live.
ADAM enters.
But don’t worry, I’m not planning on making life difficult for him. Every other weekend, every other Christmas, that sort of thing. Emma’s our priority, we’re going to do what’s right by her at every step along the way.
Beat.
EDITH stands.
EDITH. I’m going to check on your father.
EDITH exits.
SHEENA and ADAM look at one another. SHEENA lifts her suitcase and makes to leave.
ADAM. Wait.
SHEENA waits, but ADAM still can’t find the courage. And so she turns back to the exit.
Wait, Sheena, don’t go. Please. I’m sorry.
SHEENA. They’re just words.
ADAM. I can change. I can. I know I can.
SHEENA. You say that every time.
ADAM. This time is different.
SHEENA. No, it’s not…
Rule 3 flickers: ‘Rule 3: Sheena must drink to contradict’.
…Actually, I don’t want to fight any more. I don’t care any more about who’s right or wrong. I just want to be happy.
SHEENA’s rule disappears. She turns back to the door.
ADAM. I want to be happy, too. Just tell me how. I know how to get older. I know how to get sadder. I know how to get sicker and drunker and more sarcastic. But I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know how to do what you’re asking of me.
SHEENA takes the CBT Information Pack out of her bag and gives it to him.
She turns back to the door.
All right, all right, what if I read it, what if I do it – (Affecting an accent.) go see a therapist and let it all out, all the dark and shameful shit that’s buried deep in my gut…
The following rule is displayed to the audience: ‘Rule 4: Adam must affect an accent to mock’.
(Affecting an accent.) …and they write it all down in their little notebook and they judge me and I pay for the pleasure of it, and, and still it doesn’t change anything, still, still we can’t make it work? What if I go through all of that and it doesn’t make a difference?
SHEENA. I don’t know. I don’t have the answer.
SHEENA turns to exit.
ADAM. Matthew was wrong about the part where I stopped loving you.
SHEENA exits.
ADAM stands with the Information Pack a while.
EDITH enters carrying a plate of food.
EDITH. Your father’s fallen asleep. Why don’t you have this, he wasn’t hungry?
ADAM (taking the plate, without an accent). I’m sorry, Mum. I’m so sorry. Sheena’s right, I blame everyone but myself. When the truth is… It’s no one else’s fault that I’m… unhappy. I need to take responsibility.
Rule 4 disappears.
EDITH. Your father will be pleased to hear it.
ADAM. Mum, I’m not sure Dad is ever going to get better.
EDITH begins to clean up.
Rule 5 is displayed to the audience: ‘Rule 5: Edith must clean to keep calm’.
EDITH. Why don’t you sit and have something to eat?
ADAM. Why don’t you sit with me? We can tidy up later. Come and talk to me.
EDITH stops tidying and approaches the table.
EDITH. Adam…
ADAM. Yes?
EDITH (cleaning). Darling, please use a coaster. It’s just if it dries… and it’s wood.
EDITH continues to clean.
After a moment, ADAM opens the CBT Information Pack at page one and starts reading.
EDITH cleans to the finish –
The End.
SAM HOLCROFT
Sam Holcroft’s other plays include The Wardrobe, for National Theatre Connections, and Edgar & Annabel, part of the Double Feature season in the Paintframe at the National Theatre; Dancing Bears, part of the Charged season for Clean Break at Soho Theatre and Latitude Festival; While You Lie at the Traverse, Edinburgh; Pink, part of the Women, Power and Politics season at the Tricycle; Vanya, adapted from Chekhov, at The Gate; and Cockroach, co-produced by the National Theatre of Scotland and the Traverse (nominated for Best New Play 2008, by the Critics’ Awards for Theatre in Scotland and shortlisted for the John Whiting Award, 2009). In 2013, Sam wrote The House Taken Over, a libretto for opera, adapted from Cortázar, for the Festival d’Aix-en-Provence and Académie Européenne de Musique. Sam received the Tom Erhardt Award in 2009, was the Pearson Writer-in-Residence at the Traverse Theatre, 2009–10, and the Writer-in-Residence at the National Theatre Studio from 2013–14. In 2014, Sam received a Windham Campbell Prize for Literature in the drama category.
A Nick Hern Book
Rules for Living first published as a paperback orginal in Great Britain in 2015 by Nick Hern Books Limited, The Glasshouse, 49a Goldhawk Road, London W12 8QP
This ebook edition first published in 2015
Rules for Living copyright © 2015 Sam Holcroft
Sam Holcroft has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this work
Cover illustration by Tobatron
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Sam Holcroft, Rules for Living
