Infidelity, page 8
Melanie turned and threw her arms around him in a fierce hug. “Of course you’re in my life. Despite the way we parted, Luke, I’ll always care about you and be here for you. Just the way you’ve shown you’re here for me.”
Luke buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply.
“Thank you,” he mumbled into her hair. “Thank you, Lainie.”
She shifted off his lap and onto the rock next to him. Sharing her feelings had been difficult, but now that it was over, she was glad it’d happened. There were things she’d said that had needed to be said. Life was so damn hard, but sitting here like this with Luke, quietly taking in nature’s beauty, this was easy.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Luke asked quietly.
Chapter Ten
Luke’s words jolted her out of her musings. Did she want to talk about it?
Hell, no, she didn’t want to talk about it. It was private, and embarrassing, but she knew he wouldn’t judge her. On second thought, maybe she should talk about her life with Tony. It would be a way to purge the painful memories from her system. Besides, in her anger, she’d spouted everything except the details.
She concentrated on the scenic view. “Fine, sure. I’ll talk.”
She cringed at the edge in her voice and focused on controlling the delivery.
“After your letter, I kind of blew away the summer in a daze. It took a while for me to realize we were really over. I finally decided to go to college and chose SUNY. I majored in computer programming. After graduation, I’d just started a job in New Hampshire for the police department in their computer crimes unit. That’s where I met Tony. He’d just made detective and had been assigned to the same unit. He switched to homicide after we were married. Anyway, one thing led to another and we started dating. He was handsome and charming. He was so nice and attentive, I guess what they say about someone being too good to be true is dead on. I hadn’t dated anyone since you and he swept me off my feet. After three weeks, I agreed to marry him and we tied the knot two weeks later. That was the end of the fairy tale.”
Melanie twisted her hands in and out of each other while staring down at the ground. Luke crept closer, reached for her hand, and gently squeezed, but didn’t speak. She looked up and gave him a weak smile.
“It started on our wedding night. We...we hadn’t had sex yet. I’d wanted to wait and he’d been fine with that. I was a little timid that night and I guess his patience came to an end rather quickly. He’d told me he’d enough of the virgin act, and...well...you know that wasn’t an act, but he didn’t believe me. He’d had too much to drink at the reception and was very aroused. There was no foreplay, no gentle loving caresses. He mounted me, took what he wanted, and fell asleep. I remember making excuses for him and crying myself to sleep.”
Luke’s body tensed next to her. She heard him softly swear and knew he felt anger for her. But she continued, needing to get it all out.
She sucked in a breath. “The next day, I was angry with him and told him he could have been gentler with me. I’ll never forget his response. ‘That was gentle, babe, this is rough.’ That was the first time he raped me. I had so many bruises I had to wear pants and long sleeves in the middle of July. He bruised me so bad internally, I bled every time I had a bowel movement for three days. And on it went for five years. He moved me into his guest bedroom. Told me he had no desire to feel my body next to his throughout the night. He would come to my room whenever he wanted ‘a piece of ass’ from the dead fish he called his wife. He was always drunk, and mean, and violent. He always told me I was good for only one thing and even that was piss poor. He never failed to tell me that if I even entertained the idea of leaving him, he would kill me, and get away with it because he knew how to beat the system. Then he’d laugh and say ‘Hell, I am the system.’ Tony also threatened Danny. I had no doubt he would do as he said. I knew him. He carried out his promises.” She shivered at the memory of those promises.
Melanie tugged her hand free from Luke’s. What else was there to say? She’d known all along she should have gotten out of the marriage after that first night, but she’d been scared. She hadn’t wanted Danny to know the terrible mistake she’d made. Tony had made her quit work, and cut her off from her friends and family. She had no money and nowhere to go. When she became pregnant, she’d known that she had to get out. But she’d waited too long and lost everything because of her fear.
Danny was right. It was time to stop being afraid of life. As far as she was concerned, it couldn’t get any worse than what had already happened and she’d survived that. It was time to take on the rest of her life.
Luke shifted next to her, catching her gaze. “Lainie, you do know I would never hurt you like that, don’t you? I have a hot temper, and it’s been harder to control since I got out of Iraq. In fact, there are times when I do lose control and lash out. But please, know I would never intentionally cause you pain. That much I know I can control. You will never have reason to fear me. I would die first.”
“Funny thing is, I do know that. Whatever your demons are, I know and I trust you.” And she did trust him, it wasn’t just words she was spouting at him. If she didn’t, she would never have been able to tell him what she just had. The revelation startled her.
“You’re a very strong woman, Lainie. To survive what you did...I wish I had half your strength.” He hung his head, breaking eye contact.
This is it, Melanie thought. Maybe she’d had to tell her story, so he could feel safe enough to tell his. She felt better for having confided in him. Could she make him feel safe enough to talk to her? Please, she prayed, don’t let me mess this up. She had a feeling she would only get this one chance.
Luke sat there the entire time Melanie told him about what she went through and could only admire her. She’d lived a life of hell, of torture and captivity for five long years, and come out of it a stronger person. He’d lived through two weeks of captivity and torture and come out of it a angry, tormented, half a man. Compared to her, he was a failure.
He wanted to take her in his arms and show her how sweet and sensuous making love could be. That it was an act of love and tenderness, not violence. How he wanted to show her the gentleness that Tony never had. But that was the one thing he couldn’t do for her and it killed him. Anger welled in him at what life had dealt. He’d been a very sexual man. It was an important part of his life. He knew he would miss it, but until this very moment...Shit!
His heart ached for what he could never have with this woman.
“Luke?” Her tentative voice jolted him. “You’re being too quiet. Is it what I just told you? Maybe I shouldn’t have unloaded all that on you. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable talking about it.”
Luke stood. No way could he face her while he told her about what he’d lived through. He turned and walked to the edge of the cliff.
“It’s not you, Lainie. I’m in awe of you. I wish I had your strength. I’m sure Dan has told you I was taken hostage in Iraq. I haven’t told anybody about it. The shrinks all tried to get me to talk about it, but I couldn’t, or can’t. Hell, I don’t know. I couldn’t even talk to Dan, my best friend. So what does that make me? A coward? When I think of the crippling hold it has over me, the anger chokes me until I can’t breathe.”
He kicked a couple rocks around, then picked them up and chucked them out into the wind. He could feel Melanie’s eyes on his back, watching him, probably waiting for him to jump. Hell, he wasn’t that far from it.
“Ya know, earlier, I was thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. There was only one I would to go back and change, and that was kicking you out of my life. I’ve never regretted joining the Air Force and serving my country. I fully believe that what we were doing over there was for a righteous cause. I love my country and would fight to the death for our beliefs. But death would have been so much more welcome than what I received in return.”
He sidestepped as Melanie tried to reach out to him. His back stiffened.
“Please talk to me, Luke. Please tell me what they did to you.”
Luke faced her and read the concern in her eyes. Damn, he didn’t want that look to turn to pity.
“Are you sure you can handle this, Melanie? It’s not the watered down version the media hands you. It’s the blunt, angry truth. It’s bloody and dirty. After your own experiences, can you handle that?” His voice hinged on rage. He didn’t want to frighten her, but his truth ached to be free.
She walked up to him and stopped just inches from his face. Looking him dead in his eyes, she swallowed and nodded.
“Yes, Luke, that’s what I want. I told you the down and dirty truth about me. You just got done telling me how strong I am. Tell me what happened. All of it. Get it out and then we’ll bury both our pasts.”
Luke stepped around her and started to pace. It was a few minutes before he could prepare himself to talk.
He gulped in air and stilled. “I was in Red Horse. They’re a unit of engineers who are ready to deploy at a moment’s notice. They build new bases from the ground up — air strips, buildings, roads. You name it; they do it. They’re self-contained, with their own security forces, food service, engineers and laborers, what have you. I was the team leader of their security force. We were in a convoy, moving from Baghdad to Fallujah. I was in the last Humvee, about a mile back from the rest of the convoy, when we hit an IED, an explosive device, that was planted alongside the road. Three of my men died instantly in the fire that engulfed the vehicle. I and two others were thrown from the wreck. Insurgents were on us before we had time to get on our feet. The two other men were badly wounded. Rivera’s leg was busted, the fibula sticking straight out of his skin, and a river of blood flowing down his forehead. Smith’s arm was broken and his left foot was gone. We were loaded up and taken to a camp about fifteen miles away.”
He remembered being more afraid for his troops than himself. He had foolishly believed he could get them out of the mess they were in. He’d been stupid and cocky. It wasn’t long before he realized just how much trouble they were in.
“We were thrown into separate cells. The cells were dirty and smelled of old urine and shit. We could also smell the coppery scent of blood. It blew on the wind straight through the bars on our windows. There was no escape from that smell. The floors were dirt, and if we wanted to relieve ourselves we had to do it in the corner. There were no toilets or sinks. I spent twenty-four hours listening to my friends groan in agony. They had to lie in dirt, who knows what infecting their wounds, without the benefit of any pain medication. All our captors did was wrap the wounds, nothing else. I guess the guards got sick of listening to them because they brought them, one at a time, out into the yard. They kept them directly in front of my window, where I was forced to watch my men being tortured, fucking helpless to do a thing about it. I had to listen to their cries of pain, while they were whipped and caned. Afterward, the guards ground dirt and shit into their wounds.”
He fisted his hands in front of him, his fingers wrapped around the metal bars imbedded in his memory.
Melanie’s silent tears ran down her cheeks, but he couldn’t comfort her right now. He couldn’t stop. He was back there with his men, absorbed in their pain. He slowly lowered his hands, wiping sweat-drenched palms on his jeans.
“This went on for three days. They took turns torturing Rivera and Smith, while I screamed and begged for them to take me and leave my men alone. But they never even glanced my way. They never came for me. By the dawn of the fourth day, both Rivera and Smith lay dead in the middle of the yard. Covered in flies and maggots. I’d failed to protect them and they’d died horrifying, degrading deaths, while I watched on and did nothing.”
Melanie shook her head and hugged herself. “Luke, it wasn’t your fault...”
But he cut her off and jabbed at the air.
“The hell it wasn’t. They were my troops. It was my job to keep them safe, and I failed them.”
He swept up more rocks then flung them out into the air with all the force he could muster. He couldn’t see the green trees, or hear the birds singing. He couldn’t smell the flowers or the fresh Vermont air. All he could smell was blood and death. All he could hear was the screams of his men. All he could see were the smiles on his enemy’s faces.
Melanie inched closer.
“No one could possibly understand exactly what you saw or the emotions you experienced, but Luke, they were grown men, who signed up to do a job they knew was dangerous. You couldn’t stop what was happening to them. If there was any way humanly possible to do that, you would have. It just wasn’t possible, and not because of anything you did or didn’t do. You need to realize that.”
“They didn’t sign up to be tortured, to be disgraced. They were American soldiers and they were degraded to piles of shit to be spat on.”
He would never shake the image of them lying dead in the dirt. It was etched in his soul.
Damn, but Melanie wouldn’t give up. She wouldn’t let it drop.
“Did they beg for mercy? Did they give up valuable secrets? Did they beg to die or did they fight for their lives? Did they never give up until their last breath? Did they fight for what they believed in? Were they honored when they were brought home or were their families ashamed that they couldn’t finish the fight? Were they hailed as heroes or buried in a hushed up ceremony and never honored again?”
Well, damn, she knew how to fight back. Luke hadn’t thought about those things. The families of both men had held off their funerals for an entire month so Luke could attend. They’d visited him in the hospital and had shown strength and pride in the soldiers. They were both given a hero’s funeral and their communities had come out in full force to honor the men. He knew it hadn’t ended with the funerals either. They’d erected memorials and taken the fallen men’s widows and children under their wing. They’d done right by the men. Had he? Or had he been using them as another excuse to feel sorry for himself?
Luke looked more closely at the woman in front of him. She was right and he knew it.
“I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that.”
He gave her a pathetic smile he didn’t quite feel.
“When did you get so smart anyway?”
She looked back at him, but didn’t smile.
“What happened to you, Luke? What did the captors do to you?”
Chapter Eleven
Luke submitted to the heaviness in his chest and legs and sank to the ground, knees up to his chest. He hung his head. Could he do this? Could he finish this part of his story? Shit, she’d probably run off, screaming into the woods, but she hadn’t yet. A flare of hope warmed his heart. When he got right down to it, what more could he possible have to lose? Fine, suck it up, big guy.
“They left me alone for another day. Another day, to stare out at the lifeless bodies of my friends. On the morning of the sixth day, I looked out the window and they were gone. The animals who declared they were fighting the war for their God had moved my men and all that was left of them were the blood stains in the dirt. That’s when they came for me. For days on end, from the time the sun came up to the merciful rise of the moon they had me tied up naked in the middle of the yard. They’d take their turns whipping me or using knives, whatever tripped their trigger. They’d switch me from lying on my back to my stomach. They couldn’t let an inch of my skin be untouched or unbroken.
My back was as raw and bleeding as my chest and stomach, but they were pissed because I wouldn’t cry out. I’d just grit my teeth and take the pain. It made them angry. They’d stand in a circle around me and speak in a language I couldn’t understand. Staring at my body, laughing, spitting on me. Two days before the rescue, they left me tied up out in the yard all night. I hadn’t had water in forty-eight hours and I was dehydrated. One by one the men came over and urinated on me. On my face, my chest, in the lacerations they’d made with the knives and whips. I was covered in it. They went off laughing and bedded down for the night.”
He took a deep breath. This was it. The worst part. He’d felt so sorry for the girl. He looked at Melanie and again her face was wet with silent tears. Her hand covered her mouth and her body shook. Luke looked down at his own hands and noticed they shook as well.
“The next morning, they had someone new at the camp. She couldn’t have been over eighteen or nineteen years old. She had long black hair and the darkest eyes I’ve ever seen. She’d been crying, and even though I didn’t understand the language, I knew she was pleading with them. Another older woman came out of one of the tents and smacked her around a little; then one of the men grabbed her by the hair and threw her onto the ground beside me. I prayed to God then. Prayed for him not to let what was about to happen, but no one listened. They grabbed the girl by the hair and forced her head down over me. They shouted at her and forced her to take my cock in her mouth. I couldn’t move. They had me strapped so tight, spread-eagled, I couldn’t move a muscle. I screamed at them to stop her. But they laughed even harder and forced her head up and down. I got sick and threw up on one of the guy’s feet. He kicked me in the head for my troubles. When it was obvious the girl wasn’t getting the job done, they pulled her off me and commenced to raping her. Every one of those bastards took their turn at her. When I heard her yell for her mama. The other woman walked over to her, slapped her again, and dragged her to back to their tent. Her own fucking mother!”
Luke heard Melanie sobbing, but once again he couldn’t look at her or do anything to comfort her. It was almost over and he needed to get through it. To get it all out, once and for all.
