Infidelity, page 7
“Then what does that mean if he wants to tell me?” Scared to death she would fail Luke the way she failed herself and her son, she needed to know what to do. She wasn’t trained for seeing someone through a trauma. Hell, she couldn’t even get through her own trauma.
“It means that he trusts you. That he needs to get this out of his system, and you’re the one he chose to talk to about it.”
Oh, dear Lord, she didn’t know if she could handle that. It was too much pressure on her. How could she possibly help Luke when she was such a mess herself? But she knew she had to. Luke was hurting badly, and she really did want to do something to repay him for all he’d done for her.
“What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing and only end up hurting him worse? I’d never forgive myself if that happened.”
“Mel, unless you’re a selfish, uncaring SOB, which we both know you’re not, I don’t see you saying or doing anything wrong. Relax. Number one: you don’t even know if that is what he wants to talk to you about. Number two: if it is, you’ll know what to do. Have some faith in yourself. I do and so does Luke. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.”
Melanie smiled. For the first time in months she was starting to feel excited about something. Danny and Luke seemed to have so much confidence in her. Maybe some of it was starting to wear off. She could only pray it was true. If she could help Luke through his trauma, then she would truly have accomplished something important.
“Thanks, Danny. You always know how to help me work through something. You’re a great guy.”
She watched as Dan’s face turned red. Interesting. Maybe it was his turn to talk. “So, you’ve been spending quite a few nights away from home. What’s up with that? Are things getting serious between you and this Diane?”
“Yeah, actually, I think it is. She’s an awesome lady. You’d like her a lot.”
“Says you. When do I get to judge for myself?”
“Soon, I promise. She’s kinda shy, but I’ll bring her around soon. Maybe we can all take the horses out for a ride.”
“Oh, that would be fun, wouldn’t it? I hope she’s what you’re looking for, Danny. You deserve some happiness.”
“Don’t we all? Listen, I’m taking Diane to Killington with me to look at those jobs, so we’ll probably stay there tonight. I’ll be around tomorrow, though, and you can call if you need anything. I love you, squirt. Don’t worry about Luke. He’ll come through this. We won’t allow any other outcome. Will we?”
Melanie shook her head. Absolutely not. Not if she had anything to say about it, anyway. Maybe things were starting to look up. She leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek and another quick hug.
“No, we won’t. Have a good time in Killington. I’d wish you luck, but I know you don’t need it.”
Five minutes after Dan left, Luke came back home, nervous as all get out. He still didn’t know how he was going to talk to Melanie about his past. How do you bring up that topic?
‘Jeez, Lainie, great egg salad. Did you know I was tied up and tortured for two weeks, raped by a woman in front of a crowd of cheering enemy militants, and carved up like a thanksgiving turkey? Oh, and how about those Yankees?’
Yeah, that ought to work real fine. Shit, who the hell did he think he was kidding? He had no right to burden her with his nightmares. Why the hell did he think he needed to tell her in the first place? He couldn’t do it. Could he? Lord knew there were days when he thought he could. That he needed to talk to someone about it all. But was Melanie the right person? Dan had been after him since he got home. He knew Dan wouldn’t judge him, but it was damn hard to even think about, much less talk about.
It would be so much easier to talk to Melanie about what he’d been through in Iraq. She would listen and understand and be horrified for him, but she wouldn’t pity him the way a man would. A man would understand exactly what he’d lost. A woman couldn’t possible understand that. This is why he couldn’t talk to Dan about it. He was ready to face that much of his reality.
But was it selfish of him to want to unburden himself to Melanie? Didn’t she have enough troubles of her own to think about? Well, this would certainly get her mind off her own problems. Damn, he was a mess.
He walked in through the kitchen door to find a packed cooler on the island. Well, looks like there are no more excuses. He inhaled deeply and let his breath out slowly; then called up the stairs to Melanie.
“I’ll be right there. Just putting on my hiking boots. I can’t believe my old ones were still here and they fit.”
Luke watched as she came down the stairs and into the room. She was wearing a light blue t-shirt, with a dark blue sweatshirt tied around her waist. Cargo shorts, white socks and old faded hiking boots completed her outfit. She had her long, dark blond hair up in a ponytail.
Luke caught his breath. She looked so much like the girl he left behind ten years ago. Young, happy, and carefree. God, he wished for so many things to have been different. If only he could go back in time.
He knew exactly where he would go; back to the day he wrote the letter to her breaking things off. That had been by and far the absolute biggest mistake of his life. If he had only one thing in life he could do over, it would be that. Her voice brought him out of the past.
“... just can’t believe they feel so comfortable. Luke, are you okay? You seem a little out of it.”
Luke shook his head and cleared his throat. “No, I’m fine. I was just making a mental list of what we needed to bring. You got water and snacks?”
“Yup, everything’s in the cooler.”
“Well, okay then, I’ve got a blanket to sit on in the truck. Hopefully, the trail is as easy as it was ten years ago. I don’t think we need any heavy climbing gear, so I think we’re all set. Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
Luke caught the nervous shuffle of her feet. He knew this wasn’t easy for her. She hadn’t been out of the house since she’d been home. Luke also knew she was doing this for him. The knowledge humbled him. After the way he’d broken her heart in the past, she was still willing to do something she found difficult — for him. Melanie was stronger than she knew. She would realize that soon.
Chapter Nine
The drive to Pawlet and Haystack Mountain only took fifteen minutes. They parked in the field, just below the trailhead. The moment they stepped out of the truck, Melanie couldn’t get over the feeling they were being watched. The hairs on the back of her neck rose and she had the sensation of a hand at her back, just about to grab her. She pulled her shoulders up and back in a gut reaction. She turned around, but, of course, no one was there. She was being silly.
She brushed it off to the nervousness of being out in the open and not tucked safe and sound inside the house. Besides that, the old woman who owned the field was most likely looking out her window to see who was parking. She was kind enough to let hikers use her field for access to the trail. Still, Melanie didn’t doubt she would be on the lookout to see who was there. She glanced over at the house, but saw no one.
Luke grabbed the cooler and blanket and they set off up the trail. Haystack was 1860 feet, but the trail was a gradual incline. It didn’t get steep until three-quarters of the way up. By that time, an hour and a half had passed. They talked about the beautiful day, and about how not much had changed since they’d been there last. About business and old friends.
Melanie couldn’t help but notice Luke’s strong, muscled legs, outlined in his tight jeans. Or the way his biceps flexed when he moved the cooler from one arm to the other.
He’d filled out since high school. He was more muscular, his shoulders more broader, and leaner at the waist. She could walk behind him for hours and not get tired of looking at his tight butt. Good Lord.
What on earth was she thinking? She didn’t need these feelings right now. He’d made it very clear earlier that he wasn’t interested in her. Christ, she’d practically drooled over him and he’d run out of the room. Couldn’t get much clearer than that. But still…
The last quarter of their trek was tougher going and they didn’t talk at all. Her thighs burned and she sucked in precious air, both indicators of her physical condition. When had she let herself get so out of shape? She wasn’t carrying anything heavier than a blanket, yet she was still out of breath. Heck, as teenagers they’d climb this mountain with the girls loaded down with the blankets and coolers, and the guys carrying cases of beer and not get winded at all. Maybe it was time to start getting back in shape.
The feeling of being watched had gone away. So had much of the nervousness she’d felt about being here. She took in her surroundings and the beauty of the forest and wildlife. They came across a mother deer and her twin fawns. They were glorious to watch. She knew there were other, more dangerous wildlife in these woods, but generally if you didn’t bother them, they wouldn’t bother you. They wanted no more to do with humans than the humans wanted with to do them.
When they finally crested the summit and came into the clearing, she stopped, took in a deep breath, and looked out over the scenery. Turning in a circle, she was struck with amazement by the stunning sight. She could see for miles and miles. The day was clear. She swore she could see all the way to West Mountain, which was an hour drive. The many different green colors of the trees, deep blue cloudless sky, all the vibrant colors of spring, and the lure of the peacefulness, was exactly what she needed. She’d have to remember to come back in the fall. The multi-colored leaves of yellow, red, and orange would be astounding.
Lord, how she missed this place. It was so peaceful, like a therapeutic salve that warmed her heart.
Melanie turned to Luke and smiled. “Thank you. How did you know this is what I needed? It’s all just so beautiful, Luke.”
“Just goes to show you, I’m always right.”
He had a big stupid grin on his face, the grin that could always disarm her. She punched him in the arm. Melanie spread out the blanket and took the cooler from him. She opened it, grabbed two bottles of water, and handed one to Luke.
“Always right, my Aunt Fanny. Do you remember the time we took your pickup truck mudding? I told you not to go through that last mud hole; that it was too deep and you’d get stuck. Did you listen to me? Oh, nooooo. ‘I can make it,’ you said, with your chest all puffed out. I laughed my ass off when Dan had to tow your big, bad truck out. Of course, that was after you had to get out and walk through waist deep mud to go get help. Fool.”
Luke shook his head and laughed.
“Okay, so one time I misjudged the situation. I meant I have always been right since then. Besides, how was I supposed to know that pit was four feet deep?”
Melanie laughed. He’d never give in.
“Come sit down and eat. I’m starved after that climb.”
Melanie patted the spot next to her and Luke took a seat. He was so close she could smell the spicy wood scent of his aftershave. His thigh touched hers and the warmth of it spread throughout her body. She had trouble concentrating on just unwrapping her sandwich. Her fingers wrestled with the cellophane so much, the sandwich was almost flat when she finally got it out.
Stop! She chided herself. This just didn’t make sense. She had no desire for a man in her life. Yet Luke stirred a yearning she hadn’t felt in years.
Desire!
Nonsense. It was just because she was outside and enjoying it. High on a mountain where the air was thinner. Concentrate on the food, girl.
They spent the next five minutes wolfing down ham sandwiches and another bottle of water each. Melanie was restless, wondering when he was going to start talking about whatever it was that was bothering him.
Luke twisted off the lid from another bottle of water and began to pace back and forth as he took small nervous sips. She could tell he was fighting with himself about something. Maybe he’d changed his mind.
Melanie got up from the blanket and went over to where he’d stopped. She put a hand on his shoulder and turned him to face her. Looking in his eyes, she could see his torment.
“Whatever it is that you want to say to me, Luke, just come out and say it. Just start at the beginning and say whatever it is that’s on your mind.”
Luke nodded. “Yeah, it should be that easy, shouldn’t it? Two friends talking about something bothering them. That is what we are, isn’t it, Lainie? Friends? Can we at least claim that?”
Melanie wasn’t sure where he was going with his question. “Of course we’re friends, Luke. Why wouldn’t we be?”
Luke knelt down on one knee and picked at a piece of long grass. “Well, I wasn’t too kind to you back all those years ago when I broke things off. I know I must have hurt you badly, and after seeing how your life turned out, and what you’ve gone through since then, well, I just feel very bad about the way I handled things. I can understand why you wouldn’t want anything to do with me now. But, I really would like to be part of your life, Lainie, even if it’s only as friends.”
He reached out to touch her arm.
Melanie could feel the fire burning in her blood. As he’d been talking she was getting angrier with each word he spoke. Of all the foolish thoughts she’d had, this beat all. Here, she thought he came up this damn mountain to bear his soul of all his nightmares, when all he wanted was an appeasement for his guilty conscious. Of all the nerve. She was going to let him have it with both barrels, dammit.
“Is that what this is all about? Luke feels guilty about the past and wants to make himself feel better?” she spat.
“No, Lainie, that’s not...”
But she was just getting started.
“Who the hell do you think you are? You have an awfully inflated opinion of yourself and your influence over my life. The great and wonderful Luke dumps poor Melanie, and devastated, she turns to a physically and mentally abusive man to help her get over the wasteland her life has become. Please, Luke, get the hell over yourself. I did. Who’s to say we would have ever made it anyway? We were teenagers dreaming adult dreams. They meant nothing in the larger scheme of things.”
Wow, she couldn’t believe this was what they were talking about. Enough was enough. Time to get the hell out of here. There wasn’t enough room in this vast open space for herself and Luke’s humongous ego.
“Dammit, Lainie, that’s not how I meant things. You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”
She spun around to face him. Her ponytail whipped from side to side.
“Oh, so now I’m the overemotional female, is that it?”
Luke’s face had turned red and she could see the muscles in his jaw clench. Good, let him be angry. The big, stupid jerk.
“Come on Lainie, you can’t say you weren’t upset when I broke up with you the way I did. Just a letter that said there was too much of life to see and I didn’t want to be tied down by a small town girl.”
Melanie started to shake. He was hitting too close to the still raw nerve.
“Sure it hurt, for all of two days. Then I came to realize how right you were. That there was more out there for me to see. I was happy not to have to be committed to someone at eighteen years old.”
“Right, you went from planning our wedding one day to speed dating the next. I don’t believe you.”
Tears were running down her face now and she was aghast that he’d pushed her to this. He was cruel and unfeeling. As much of a bastard as he’d been back then. Why did he have to do this to her again?
“I don’t care what you believe, you heartless bastard. Of course, I blame you. I blame you for every damn thing he did to me. Every hit I took in my face, every kick I took to my ribs. Every time he tied me down and viciously took what I didn’t want to give. Every demeaning word he said to me and every degrading sexual act he made me commit. All of it. I blame you for it all. Is that want you want to hear, you son of a bitch? Do you want me to bleed for you? Well, too late. I did, the entire time I was married. You just weren’t around to see what you’d done. You were off living, seeing your big, bad world without the commitment you so hated.”
Dammit, she’d lost it. She turned away from Luke and brushed her tears off her face while trying to take a deep breath. She felt Luke’s hand on her shoulders and shrugged him off. He placed his hand back on her shoulder and forced her to face him.
She tried to push away from him, but he just held her tighter. “I’m sorry, Lainie. I never meant to hurt you.”
She pounded his chest with her fists, trying to get away from him.
“Why? Why did you leave me like that? Why couldn’t you love me enough? You promised to love me forever, you said we’d be married. Why...?”
Melanie gave up fighting him and collapsed, sobbing, into his arms. He lowered them to the ground and held her in his lap. She buried her face against his chest and cried. Minutes passed as they sat there together. When she regained her composure, she pushed away to look at him. She’d been ready to apologize and leave, until she saw his face.
His eyes were red and watery and his skin pale, void of all color.
Melanie lifted her hand to his cheek, “I’m sorry. I thought I had all that out of my system years ago. It’s not rational to blame you, and I really don’t think I do. I just never got a chance to rant and rave at you, to tell you how much you’d hurt me back then. Maybe I just needed some kind of closure from that time in our lives.”
Luke nodded his understanding. “I’m sorry I pushed you like that. I just wanted it out of our way. If we are really going to move on from then and be friends, we needed to get it out in the open. I do really want to be a part of your life, Lainie. Not out of any guilt I may have felt, but because you were the best part of my life at one time. There are so many things I can’t get back. So many mistakes I can’t undo. If you could see your way through to letting me back in your life, well, it’s just something I really need. I need you, Melanie, more than you could ever know.”
