Zelli thought of it, and how much Tahlen had already troubled himself for him, and kept himself from prodding Tahlen to speak.

  They rode on.

  They reached a crossroads with a marker and a small waystation just after dawn, when some but not all of the fog had lifted. The waystations were built along the roads through the valley about half a day’s ride or a day’s walk apart, if there was no village or settlement to offer shelter instead. The stations extended into the mountains on the far side of the valley, although once beyond the first peak, the stations were farther apart and maintained by the Rossick. Zelli didn’t know if other families had such stations, and didn’t know the original purpose of them other than to offer some comfort to travelers. Possibly they were meant for the messengers who had frequently gone up and down the valley in busier times.

  The waystations were not much more than three walls and a roof, with a thatched extension on one side for animals. Each held a firepit, although, according to reports Zelli had on his desk, the supply of wood in them was often not properly maintained. They were all supposed to have a privy somewhere nearby, redug each year. Only one had a well, but most people traveled with their own water.

  Zelli belatedly realized he had not brought any, then sighed. There was a small cask with the bags Starfall carried because of course Tahlen had thought of it. He’d probably learned to during his journeying before he’d found the Tialttyrin holding.

  Found a home, Zelli hoped, and planned to stay. Though if the others all left, why should Tahlen not go with them?

  “Are you hungry?” Tahlen asked, slowing and not showing much concern when Starfall took the chance to nibble on a bush along the roadside.

  Zelli was so startled by Tahlen speaking to him that Lemon Blossom came to a stop, both of them staring expectantly at Tahlen before Zelli recalled himself.

  Evidently, that was answer enough for Tahlen, who reached into one of the bags on Starfall and took out a wrapped bundle.

  He paused when Zelli politely refused one of the pies but accepted an apple and a wedge of cheese.

  Zelli thanked Tahlen as he crunched his apple. He thought of Esrin. “You should have something. The pies look good.”

  For a moment, he thought Tahlen was going to ask why Zelli hadn’t wanted one, but Tahlen only studied him before turning away.

  Zelli kept his head down but watched Tahlen eat three pies—they truly were his favorite—and did his best to look away whenever Tahlen glanced at him.

  With nothing else to occupy him, Zelli mulled over Tahlen’s silence while trying to ride slightly behind Tahlen so that Tahlen would not see the way Zelli studied him. Tahlen was not one for a lot of words, it was true, but Zelli could not tell if he was being cruelly ignored or if Tahlen simply had no interest in talking with him.

  There had been a time where they had exchanged words at least once a day. Although, when Zelli had been younger, those had been stumbled, blushing greetings from Zelli and brief acknowledgements from their handsome new guard before Tahlen had carried on with whatever duty Grandmother had given him.

  That had changed over time to Tahlen being the one to accompany Zelli down to the village more often than not. Zelli had taken over more and more of the work of the Head of House as he’d gotten older, and he suspected his grandmother had thought he’d appreciate a companion closer to his age… or she’d hoped some of Tahlen’s sense and composure would rub off on him.

  Then Grandmother had suggested the possible alliance now that Zelli was of age, and since Zelli would never get suitors where he was, he had agreed; he would get to travel and meet others, if nothing else. And shortly afterward, Tahlen had… Tahlen had expressed a desire to court him.

  Three months ago. Nearly four now.

  Zelli hadn’t understood it then and still did not. That Grandmother’s favorite guard, who at times seemed to know everything, who was trusted and listened to, who did not smile at Zelli or joke with him or even talk with him as he probably talked to that cat, would ask for courtship without the least flicker of interest on his face.

  Zelli had finally broken the silence that followed with a confused, if hopeful, “Are you asking to bed me?”

  Because that was an idea from his fantasies, but he would have understood such a request. Perhaps Tahlen had lovers within the fortress or down in the village but had grown bored. He would likely expect Zelli to say yes, because Tahlen must know he was handsome and that Zelli especially found him so.

  But Tahlen had drawn his eyebrows together in something too quick to be a frown and repeated himself, “To court you, Zelli.”

  Zelli had stared up at him, grateful they were alone in his room at the time, because he was sure any witnesses would have laughed. He would have suspected Tahlen of playing a trick on him if it hadn’t been Tahlen, who wouldn’t anyway and definitely wouldn’t with Zelli.

  “But you don’t even like me.” Zelli hadn’t meant to say it, and hearing it had made him stumble on. “Which I understand, Tahlen, truly. I’m not really anything. I don’t know things like you do. Grandmother is trying to secure an alliance, but I think my family was hoping I’d turn out better to make it more advantageous to everyone.” He’d touched his hair, loose and wild again because he’d been correcting accounting errors by himself in his room when Tahlen had knocked on his door. “Being from an old family is my only draw, and the fae blood seems to cancel that out for most. Did you… oh.” Zelli remembered turning his face away. “Is it to make you like a beat-of-four?”

  That made much more sense.

  He had turned back in time to see the tic in Tahlen’s jaw. Zelli had only realized later that it was anger. Tahlen had been angry. “You believe I’d court someone to rise in rank?”

  “It’s what many beat-of-fours do,” Zelli had answered honestly. “They don’t put it in exactly those terms when they write to Grandmother about it, but it’s understood. It is all I have to offer. They’ve made it more than clear.” Zelli was grown. His lower lip had not wobbled. “If I were to have someone for myself outside of that, I would want it to be someone who actually wanted me. Which is foolish, I know. Even if I were allowed to…”

  “Allowed?” Tahlen had shocked Zelli by cutting him off. “When does anything stop you from doing what you want?”

  “What I want?” Zelli had echoed, suddenly hot all over. He’d been angry too, and painfully embarrassed over what he’d assumed Tahlen had thought of him. But he hadn’t yelled or shouted or even clenched his jaw like Tahlen. He’d been quiet. “Did you expect I’d be grateful for the attention because I stare at you and I’m alone here?”

  Tahlen had suddenly been close in front of him, his hands at his sides, his gaze like the fortress they stood in. “You’re not alone. I made this offer because…” Tahlen hadn’t seemed to know what he’d wanted to say and finally finished, “because I admire you,” in a voice without tenderness.

  And then, reading Zelli’s thoughts as he always did, Tahlen had bowed his head and murmured, “I’m sorry to have bothered you,” before leaving the room.

  Tahlen had not been a besotted would-be lover, Zelli had decided after a sleepless night trying to imagine Tahlen as one. Zelli had seen people in the depths of infatuation before, in the village, among the servants. He had even listened to a visiting cousin describe her affairs with palace guards. Besotted would-be lovers were much louder about any feelings they had, and they certainly did not reluctantly admit to merely admiring someone.

  A polite lie anyway, since Tahlen almost certainly did not admire Zelli.

  Nothing had changed between them, either, except that Tahlen did not make even light conversation with Zelli these days.

  Grandmother had observed the two of them for some time. Zelli had felt her curiosity and disapproval and hadn’t been surprised when she’d finally called him into her room to ask him what he’d done to her favorite guard.

  Zelli would have glared at her, but the story had come tumbling out instead. She had listened as his grandmother but also as The Tialttyrin, and discussed it the same way.

  “Do you regret the refusal?”

  Zelli had not actually refused, he reflected now as he hadn’t then. Tahlen had decided he knew what Zelli was going to say—again. But whatever Zelli might have given him in answer, Tahlen had changed his mind quickly, so it didn’t matter.

  Grandmother, who also liked to read things into Zelli’s moments of silence, seemed to think Zelli must have refused over worry about any possible alliances.

  “We’re hoping for an alliance, yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a lover or even a hand-fasting of your own, if you wish it.” Grandmother had tapped Zelli’s cheek. “These things are about appearances, Zelli, and perhaps friendships. Anything else, inside or out of it, is up to you. Your intended could hardly be hurt when they will likely be doing much the same. A few of those I’ve written to are already married, which you know well.” Her teasing manner changed into something shrewder when Zelli met her gaze. “Although… I am not sure you’d be capable of the discretion required to at least pretend to care for another if you had Tahlen for yours.”

  “Hand-fasting?” Zelli had repeated with surprise. For state purposes, for a matter of Record, some beat-of-fours had large ceremonial weddings. But everyone else who wished to pledge themselves to someone else had a simple hand-fasting, and not everyone even bothered with that. Zelli hadn’t considered that someone would want that with him. Tahlen surely could not have meant courtship with the hope for an eventual marriage, even if thinking of it in the months since left Zelli with that hollow ache in his chest. Tahlen thought Zelli considered the future too much, but that had never crossed Zelli’s mind.

  “Discretion?” he’d finally asked his grandmother.

  She’d made a gently despairing tsk sound. “If there was a spouse waiting for you and yet you had declared your feelings to Tahlen, you would have to treat Tahlen differently in public. At least until you’ve discussed it with the other parties involved.”

  “Differently?” Zelli had stared without blinking, slow to follow her point. “My feelings?”

  His heart still beat too fast to think of those words.

  Grandmother had had long purple-black hair in her youth, but she wore her gray hair short by palace standards, the small braids tucked around her ears for sleep. Her eyes were light brown and stayed that color. But her teeth were as sharp as Zelli’s when she smiled. “Well, I’m not sure about a marriage between you, but there are worse people for you to take as a lover, I am sure. I mean, worse as in their character. Not as in their skills in that area. I have no knowledge of Tahlen Vallithi there, so you may cease your scowling, Mizel.”

  “He’s closer to my age than yours!” Zelli had heard himself objecting waspishly, but had tried to compose himself when his grandmother raised her eyebrows. “I know you respect him,” Zelli had begun again, carefully. “I assumed you wanted higher for me. Though I don’t think I will do as well as you hope. I could not even…. I’m not a great beauty or a great talent. I worry. I’m not charming. Tahlen has already forgotten me.”

  Grandmother shook her head. “In another, safer time, you would have done extremely well, although perhaps you don’t believe me. You will discover it anyway, eventually. The person who will find you appealing and remarkable as you are would be ideal for a strong, strategic bond. And also, I think, be wise enough to cherish you.”

  He could not tell if she had been speaking to cheer him, or if she had meant some other future spouse, or if she had meant Tahlen. Since she had shooed Zelli from her room to let her rest, advising him only to continue being polite to Tahlen and then never raising the subject again, Zelli would never know.

  It was something else to worry over in his spare moments, of which there had been few as he had found himself very busy for the past months. He had decided to go through the treasury for a proper inventory, an activity that had taken his energy all day every day for weeks. After that, he would have considered it if he hadn’t been so tired from firing arrow after arrow into straw until his arms felt like mush and he fell asleep the moment he went to bed. He supposed he could have sat down to puzzle over his irritation and uncertainty, but he had histories of the old families to memorize in preparation for the future alliance. Histories he had ignored until every other task had been finished and it was return to his studies or lose himself in dreams of being cherished.

  He didn’t even know what that meant and had no one to ask. Anyway, pondering it had led to him being jolted from his daydreaming more than once by the arrival of Tahlen, sent to bring Zelli to Grandmother for one reason or another, and Zelli staring up at Tahlen with a face as pink as a roughberry.

  Zelli had been so preoccupied and exhausted during the ensuing months that it was no wonder his fae problems had disappeared. He should still be tired, especially after a night without sleep, but his spine was straight and his skin tingled as though storm clouds full of lightning were close. He watched Tahlen and was warm even in his fingertips.

  If Tahlen truly wanted it, Zelli would not mind being courted by him. Zelli might not personally know about anything about courting, but he had long found Tahlen attractive and Tahlen undoubtedly knew it, if not how often he had been in Zelli’s thoughts when the lust-fevers or other fae problems had him. When Zelli was hot no matter what the weather, and fantasies of tupping, and kisses, took hold of him no matter what he was doing, and he had to hide in his room for a day, sometimes more, it was Tahlen he dreamed of more than any other.

  His heart pounded at the idea of Tahlen discovering that. Not with fear, but neither with anticipation, because he didn’t think Tahlen would be pleased. Tahlen did not act as if his heart raced when thinking of Zelli, and he had not looked happy when he’d approached Zelli with courtship on his mind. Or when he saw Zelli, even before the refusal Zelli had not given him. Courting people were supposed to be joyful in the presence of one another.

  There were likely others around the holding who regarded Tahlen that way. If Tahlen did desire something more than a friendly alliance with perhaps some bed privileges, he must want that too, that mutual joy. He deserved it, even if he had forgotten Zelli. He deserved lots of things.

  A nicer room, with better heat in the winter—though all the guards did. Not to be repairing his own clothes, unless he liked doing that. More time with his sister, and more hand pies, or visits with Grandmother, or whatever else made him smile, which he also did not do enough. As well as a real, proper courtship.

  Zelli couldn’t resent Tahlen for briefly thinking he might get that with Zelli and silently wished he had a way to explain that to Tahlen. But even broaching the subject might annoy Tahlen further.

  If he was annoyed. Zelli glanced again to Tahlen, expecting to see his back and finding the side of his face instead, as if Lemon Blossom had changed pace while Zelli had stewed, so Zelli and Tahlen were riding side by side. Zelli looked quickly elsewhere.

  Tahlen let out a small exhale.

  Zelli peeked over once again.

  Tahlen was quiet. “You don’t need to worry.”

  “I wasn’t,” Zelli answered promptly. “I’m not going to issue any real judgments. I’m just going to listen.”

  It made Tahlen swivel toward him, frowning. “What?”

  “What?” Zelli echoed, confused to have gotten a frown. “I am not taking the place of Grandmother or trying to be The Tialttyrin. I’ll be there to listen, and I’ll relate everything to her later so she can send a messenger to authorize anything necessary. But…” Zelli paused to bite his lip, “I am a little nervous. You were right to think so. I shouldn’t have tried to pretend I wasn’t.”

  After another moment’s staring, Tahlen faced forward again. “I don’t think The Tialttyrin would mind if you spoke for her. She trusts you.”

  “But,” Zelli said what Tahlen wouldn’t, “I can’t be The Tialttyrin because I have more fae blood than the others.” He sighed. “I do try not to be too wild.”

  It earned him Tahlen’s open attention again, and another frown. “You are hardly wild.” Tahlen said it as if the idea of Zelli being too fae was totally new to him and not something Zelli’s relatives and those in the village muttered about often.

  Zelli thought of his fae problems, the things he did and imagined when he was holed up in his bedroom. He cleared his throat. “I could be.”

  That should have been the end of it, but Tahlen spoke again. “So could anyone in your family.”

  Lips parted in astonishment, Zelli stared at him, but Tahlen apparently had no inclination to ignore him at the moment.

  “But they aren’t and never will be,” Zelli finally sputtered. “Yes, sometimes odd things will happen around them, or they will have strange eyes, or be like my parent, but I’m different. My problems are not like theirs, for one, or are worse.” He should not have mentioned his problems, not now with Tahlen seeming to take him seriously, and hurried on. “I could be wild, like the fae bards are said to be.” And the human bards who emulated them, for that matter. “I could grant wishes best left ungranted or… or use these teeth as I sometimes think of doing when people are irritating or too beautiful. I…. Sometimes, even though I see the need for an alliance with another family, I think that is the real reason Grandmother has begun to ask around; to get me out of the way.”

  “To protect you.” Tahlen was stiff as he took his gaze from Zelli again. “Out of the way, in a sense, but not for any other reason. To protect you. If things go on as they are, even the houses that have stayed out of it will be drawn in. Once that happens, no one will be safe, especially not the head of the family. The Tialttyrin will be the first to lose their life. Perhaps it’s not the future that you want for you or for your family, but yours is not the only family trying to keep their heads down while seeming strong enough to deter any attacks. Your grandmother acts to keep you as safe as she can.”

  “Grandmother asked any Tialttyrin still in the capital to either come home or stay away from the palace,” Zelli added, seething as he thought of it. “Few listened. And she can hardly make them, short of cutting off their money. Which, if she does, some of them might decide to ally themselves with another family who would like to take this valley.” Zelli would not forget that if the country ever grew stable again. He would not forget a single slight his relatives had given his grandmother. But he focused on Tahlen for the moment. “That’s why it’s a risk for you to be out here, as much as me. More, if you put yourself between me and any threats.”

 

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