A Suitable Bodyguard, page 33
Zelli put the spoon down with care. “The fae made me as I was then on purpose. They wanted others to see. Then they sent the storm… or were the storm? I’m not clear on how they do things. There was going to be fighting no matter what anyone did. But I didn’t want people harmed.” He tried and failed to smother the tremor in his voice, willing Bree, and Tahlen, to understand. “I didn’t want him harmed. I couldn’t have that, even though he no longer wants me.”
Tahlen moved without warning, pulling Zelli to him, then falling back into his seat with Zelli half in his lap. He bent his head while Zelli was mid-gasp and buried his face in Zelli’s hair, his breath too fast against Zelli’s ear. He wound his arms around Zelli’s ribs to hold him, tight, then gentle, then tight again.
Some of the porridge must have spilled and the others must have been as startled as Zelli, judging from their exclamations. Zelli held in his noise of surprise but not his slight grunt of discomfort. His position, twisted sideways on Tahlen’s lap, made the area around his scar twinge. It should have been embarrassing as well, to be picked up and held like this, but the others had heard worse and Zelli couldn’t make himself care about them.
He put a hand on Tahlen’s arm and closed his eyes.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Tahlen whispered into the top of one of Zelli’s neat braids that had to be Tahlen’s work. Tahlen must have done them while sitting with Grandmother at Zelli’s bedside, where he had been for hours, waiting to see if Zelli would wake. He sounded furious but Zelli didn’t think he was. “You didn’t have to do that to be valued.”
“That wasn’t why,” Zelli informed him shakily, then wasn’t sure that was true. He turned his face toward the warmth of Tahlen’s chest as much as he could, and Tahlen raised his head and moved an arm to bring Zelli’s legs up with the rest of him. On another day, Zelli might have objected. But since he hadn’t expected Tahlen to hold him ever again, he stayed where he was, although the scar over his wound pulled and then throbbed.
Zelli opened his eyes but kept his gaze away from anyone else in the room. “Do you know, Tahlen, I have feelings about you? For you?” He might not be looking at them, but Zelli had no doubt everyone else in the room was listening. He had nothing to say they didn’t already know. He was the one who hadn’t realized. “Everyone seems to know my feelings, except me. Grandmother, Mayor Sar, Kat Ryssa,” he growled that final name. “I didn’t want to know what those feelings were, because… you saw them but you didn’t want them. That’s what I thought.” For a moment, he couldn’t breathe because Tahlen’s hold was crushing. Then Tahlen exhaled and Zelli had air again. “And because I was leaving, so the feelings wouldn’t matter in the end. But they are still here even though I ignored them, and I think they are love. I think they’re what I feel because I love you, and I can pretend they aren’t there, but I’ve never learned to hide them. That’s why everyone smirks at me, or is rude to me, or smiles behind their hands when I look at you—because I love you. I love you so greatly that it’s all I thought about when I was lying there.”
Tahlen’s voice was hoarse. “Zelli.”
“I’m sorry if that bothers you,” Zelli sighed, “or is unwanted now that I’ve hurt you like this.”
“Suppose we ought to be getting to bed, whoever’s bed that may be,” Let announced loudly. Several of the others politely muttered their agreement yet Zelli heard no footsteps taking anyone away.
“So much that my family in the capital would think this shames me now,” Zelli continued, squirming with some traces of shame despite his words. “But Zelli of the Tialttyrin loves Tahlen of the Vallithi, and when you leave me, you should know that. Everyone who doesn’t already know that will hear of it, I suspect. I can give you that, for hurting you, and to… to make you feel as warmed as you do in the sun.”
“Ah, if you don’t mind, Tahlen,” Zelli continued when Tahlen’s only answer was to pull him closer, “this position hurts a little. My chest…” Tahlen’s hold loosened before Zelli could finish. Tahlen held his breath. Zelli shifted a bit, glancing up to Tahlen’s clenched jaw. “One would think, if my fae relatives were going to heal me, they’d heal me completely. But I wonder if I am meant to feel it as a reminder. Perhaps they are as angry with me as you are. Which would mean they care, as you and Grandmother do. Isn’t that strange? To care from a distance? In secret?” Zelli frowned. “But some have reasons to do so, don’t they?”
He lifted his hand to cup that tense jawline and turn Tahlen’s face toward him.
Rose-pink bloomed in Zelli’s hand, spreading from his fingertips to his wrist before fading. It warmed, deepening the shade, when Zelli kept his hand there. Someone behind them swore. Zelli only smiled in relief to know the colors hadn’t gone away.
“Thank you,” he told his perhaps-watching relatives as well as Tahlen. “It didn’t appear for Grandmother,” he informed Tahlen. “I’ll have to try again during one of my problems, when I am more fae than I am now. That’s when it must happen, except for with you even though you’re not fae. I think it was a gift from them to show me I could trust this with you. Your jaw is a bit rough,” Zelli observed, able to take a deep breath again when Tahlen’s gaze began to warm. “You shaved in a hurry? That’s not like you, my Tahlen—um.”
Zelli sat up as much as his current position would allow. “That is, uh, something that people say to those they care about, isn’t it? My parent said it to me—not that one. My other one,” he filled in to banish Tahlen’s momentary frown. “Maybe they were trying to show me that. Maybe they should have before, so I would have known to do this sooner.”
“Zelli, please.”
“Too much?” Zelli inquired curiously, stroking Tahlen’s mouth. “Why don’t you eat some more? And pet your cat, who missed you while I took you away.”
“I chose to accompany you,” Tahlen insisted, devastation creeping back into his expression.
Zelli couldn’t have that. “You chose,” he agreed. “And you were more helpful than I could have imagined.”
Tahlen pulled in a shaky breath, then tossed his head as if to deny Zelli’s words.
Despite the motion, no braid moved behind him.
Zelli jerked up, wriggling both arms free so he could turn Tahlen’s head and reach for what wasn’t there. The ends of Tahlen’s hair were damp to the touch, freshly washed and trimmed close to his head into something messier than the usual guard’s haircut, as though it had been done in a hurry or without much of Tahlen’s cooperation.
“Tahlen!” Zelli peered anxiously into Tahlen’s eyes when Tahlen turned back to him. “Tahlen, your hair! Who did this to you?” None of what hair remained was long enough for even the smallest braid. “Was it the Villucatto?” Zelli bit his lip to bruise it. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”
Tahlen shook his head almost gently but said, firm and final, “We are getting you armor that fits you. And you will wear it even when just attending judgments or touring the valley.”
That had nothing to do with Tahlen’s hair being gone.
“You will worry over me and I accept that,” Zelli conceded. “But we are speaking of who hurt you.”
“Zelli,” Tahlen said, not giving an inch.
“Yes, Tahlen.” Zelli agreed to the armor, although he had already done so. “But your hair.” No other guard wore their hair as Tahlen had, not that anyone would stop them if they tried. Long hair was inconvenient, as Zelli could attest. The sort of thing a beat-of-four did because they could. That braid was Vallithi. Tahlen had been proud to wear it.
“Tea with milk and honey, if you will not eat,” Esrin said gruffly, holding a sturdy cup in front of Zelli until Zelli took it.
“Thank you.” Zelli glanced up to her, though she was already turning away, her long hair in a neat weave that made him immediately turn back to Tahlen. Actions, with the Vallithi siblings, he realized absently. Actions more than words or even whatever they chose to show.
“I don’t understand,” Zelli worried between sips of the tea Tahlen nudged toward his mouth. “Was it the mud? But why cut it off, and so carelessly?”
Tahlen released a long breath.
“He asked them to save you,” Bree said softly, staring into the distance when Zelli looked to her.
"Cut it off then and there,” Fy joined in using the same awed tone. “Laid it down and then it was gone when I blinked. I’ve never seen that for myself, the fae taking something. To think they value hair…”
“It’s not the hair,” Zelli interrupted, turning once again to Tahlen and Tahlen’s defiant glare. “It’s the emotion behind the offering. Well… sometimes it’s the offering.”
Zelli stroked the shell of Tahlen’s ear and his neck, letting pinks of all shades trickle through his skin to disappear beneath the sleeve of Grandmother’s robe.
“Your hair to bring me back?” The need in the offering would have pleased the fae, but they shouldn’t have accepted it if they’d planned on reviving Zelli regardless. “You’ve already had so much taken from you.”
Tahlen closed his eyes before putting his head down. “Don’t let me go.” The whisper was only for Zelli. “Please, Zelli.”
“I didn’t,” Zelli tried to assure him, trailing a touch down Tahlen’s throat to the glint of silver now visible at Tahlen’s collar. He tugged his charm free of the cloth, pleased the silver was warm from Tahlen’s skin. Tahlen had worn it for hours, perhaps had never taken it off.
He would have been wearing it when he’d made his request. That would have pleased them too, even if the fae hadn’t already been delighted with Tahlen. And as they had done for Zelli, they had answered him. “They granted my wish,” Zelli realized aloud. “Oh.”
Tahlen opened his eyes.
Zelli kept his fingertips against the rowan tree and confessed to it. “As I was…” dying. “When I was there, I asked the fae to take care of you. To make sure you wouldn’t be alone, and they agreed. But not how I was expecting. They let me come back to you.”
Tahlen blinked, stunned or exhausted or both.
“And I will, Tahlen,” Zelli promised earnestly. “I will take care of you. I will not leave you no matter whom I might be offered to—if I even agree to that now. Grandmother implied I might not need to. I was…. You all gave me a sleeping draught and my mind is not the clearest. But though I will think it over, if I decide to go ahead and seek out an alliance, my possible intended will have to accept that I have sworn myself to Tahlen Vallithi before the fae themselves.”
He had no idea which person in the kitchen with them squealed. He only had eyes for Tahlen, as it had been since Tahlen had arrived here years ago.
“I have not been as good to you as you have been to me, but,” Zelli hooked his fingers into the cord around Tahlen’s neck, “I will have to do better.” Starting with getting Tahlen to rest, and then maybe getting a cord for the necklace that fit Tahlen more comfortably and had fewer marks from Zelli’s teeth in it.
Zelli’s face might have been as pink as his fingers but he found he didn’t care. Tahlen had put himself into Zelli’s hands again, though Zelli had hurt him.
“You’ve been so kind and strong and patient,” Zelli praised him, heating up himself at how this brought all of Tahlen’s attention to him, Tahlen’s gaze scorching. But the sudden flurry of movement at the table made him turn in surprise.
“I have things to see to,” Let assured Zelli, pulling several of the others up with her. The others were looking everywhere but toward Zelli and Tahlen.
Fy stayed where he was, observing Zelli and Tahlen with his chin in his hands. Not even Vint tugging on his sleeve could make him budge.
Bree was studying the ceiling but grinning to herself.
Zelli smiled at all of them. “I don’t understand any of you, either, but I think you’re wonderful too. Those of you who choose to stay with us are welcome. Are they not, Gurn?” He didn’t wait to find out if Gurn grunted in agreement. He turned his attention back to Tahlen. “If you are finished here, it’s time you rested. Isn’t it, Esrin?”
“Yes,” Esrin said from somewhere. “See to it, Tialttyrin. But do not break his heart again, or….”
Zelli glanced to her in time to catch her motioning with her hand across her throat. She wasn’t frowning. He didn’t know what to make of it or Tahlen’s vexed little exhale, but he inclined his head in response and let Tahlen take the cup of tea from him—after Tahlen first nudged Zelli to drain it—and set it on the table.
Tahlen was on his feet in moments, Zelli firmly in his arms.
“I can walk,” Zelli insisted, embarrassed again although being carried was nothing to everything else between them that had been witnessed by so many others. Maybe it was Tahlen taking care of him instead of the other way around. “I don’t want to be any trouble,” he added, but closed his mouth when that drew another irritated exhale from Tahlen. “This once, then,” he allowed weakly, and dropped his head to Tahlen’s shoulder.
Twenty-Three
“Did I break your heart before?” Zelli asked once Tahlen had dismissed Zelli’s escort. Which had not been a vocal dismissal. Tahlen had emerged from the kitchen holding Zelli and the other two had raised their eyebrows, grinned, then vanished into the morning fog.
“Are you in pain?” Tahlen asked, dangerously close to grunting.
Zelli rubbed his cheek on Tahlen’s shoulder. He was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, but he didn’t think Tahlen was asking about how it felt to be carried.
“It doesn’t hurt.” He pressed a palm to his chest. “It just… reminds me it’s there. It’s a scar,” he added, to calm Tahlen in case Tahlen had not seen it while watching Zelli sleep, “not a wound. I’m fine.”
He wasn’t certain Tahlen believed him. But Tahlen walked on, finding his way without issue, unbothered by the lack of clear light or Zelli’s weight.
“Are we going to your room?”
At Zelli’s question, Tahlen paused. “Do you want to?”
Zelli had slept on the ground with Tahlen, he was more than fine to return to Tahlen’s small room with him. “Will your cat come to mine?” He didn’t know how to extend a welcome to a cat.
Tahlen did grunt; perhaps the short hair brought it out in guards. “It’s not my….” He didn’t finish because Zelli waved toward the ground, where Tippit trotted alongside Tahlen as if eager to once again share Tahlen’s bed.
“I have a lot in common with that cat,” Zelli commented over Tahlen’s sigh of resignation. “It missed you and it doesn’t want to be parted from you now.”
“I didn’t go anywhere,” Tahlen answered, strained.
Zelli put the back of one hand against Tahlen’s cheek to soothe him. “I saw my family.” He didn’t know if that would help, but he wanted Tahlen to know. “My other family. While I was… away. They tricked me when I asked that you not be alone. I think they already knew they were going to bring me back—not that I’m not grateful!” Zelli added, briefly addressing the air. “You asked what you asked of them, but I suspect they were going to do it anyway. Maybe they wanted to be absolutely sure of you first. I didn’t think I mattered to them, but,” a tender My Mizel lingered in his mind, “maybe I do.”
Tahlen was not appeased by this information. “You do matter, to all of us.”
Zelli didn’t argue, although it was strange to hear and he didn’t find it as warming as Tahlen found Zelli’s praise of him. “It seems so,” he allowed at last. “I will try to adjust to that.”
“Zelli.” Tahlen could growl too.
He’d growled and raised his voice this morning. He was more upset than he was allowing Zelli to see.
“Will you ever forgive me?” Zelli wondered, vaguely aware that others were moving around the courtyard: various staff heading to the kitchens for breakfast before starting their days, guards ducking past them to get to their chambers to rest.
He could feel Tahlen tense as he hesitated over his answer. “I’m not angry.”
“I know.” That much, Zelli did know. “I understand you now… the important parts. The things that confused me about you before. I know you care for your family, living and dead, blood and chosen. That you will protect them with your life. That this includes me. And that it’s not anger which makes you sigh at me,” he lowered his voice apologetically, “it’s worry. Not that you don’t get angry with me for other things.”
“Zelli.” Tahlen turned his face into Zelli’s hand.
“I don’t need to touch you,” Zelli revealed, twisting his wrist so it was easier to pet Tahlen. Tahlen continued to allow it. Zelli licked his teeth because he could not bite now. “Not because of my wish, I mean. I didn’t since before everything yesterday. I just didn’t notice. What a gift they gave me.” The mention of gifts reminded him. “Do my eyes bother you now? Grandmother says they’ve changed again.”
Tahlen barely paused he headed into the guards’ quarters where the corridor was dark, as if the candles lit the night before had melted down and not been replaced yet. “You didn’t look in a mirror before you left your room in barely any clothes while still weakened and tired?”
“Grandmother said you would notice my clothes,” Zelli marveled aloud at this, curious as to how she’d known. “But I had to see you. To apologize and to make sure you were all right.” He took his hand from Tahlen’s face to consider Tahlen shyly. “Thank you for letting me.”
Tahlen stopped in front of his room. His arms were shaking minutely, either with the strain of carrying Zelli so far after a trying night and day or for some other reason. He stared straight ahead at the plain wood of his door. “Say it again.”
Another apology was on Zelli’s tongue before he realized what Tahlen meant.
“I love you.” He was sure his face was growing as pink as his hands when he touched Tahlen. “Everyone can see it, but I can say it more if you like.”
Tahlen slid Zelli to his feet, but Zelli was barely on the ground long enough to blink before he was in Tahlen’s arms again. He held to Tahlen’s shoulders to bring his legs up around Tahlen’s waist, nodded a startled greeting to Hari and her puppy heading out, then closed his eyes and relaxed when Tahlen pulled him closer and exhaled over his head.
