All the Feels, page 32
AS SOON AS Lauren saw Alex’s mini-castle lit from the inside, she called Marcus.
“The interior lights are on.” She parked in the circular drive, right next to the entrance. “Dina turns them off when she leaves, so unless there’s been an intruder, he’s here.”
She didn’t want her reunion with Alex to occur while his best friend listened, but so be it. Heart pounding, she jogged up the front steps, rang the bell, and pounded on the door.
Nothing. Not a sound.
“He’s not answering.” Dammit. “Do you think I should let myself in? Normally, I wouldn’t invade his privacy like that, but . . .”
“Desperate times,” Marcus said. “Besides, he’s given a good portion of L.A. his keys and security codes and told them to come by whenever. Consider this the very definition of whenever.”
When she tried her key, however, she discovered it wasn’t needed.
“The door’s unlocked.” She scowled. “I’ve told him and told him to lock up, but he never listens.”
“An unlocked door could indicate an intruder, like you said.” Marcus now sounded worried for her and Alex. “Lauren, I’ve changed my mind. Maybe you should wait for—”
“I’m going in.”
Despite his voluble protests, she flung open the door and strode inside.
“You two belong together,” he muttered. “Jesus Christ.”
“His carry-on is in the hallway,” she told Marcus, then screeched into the depths of the mini-castle. “Alex! Where are you?”
Marcus squawked. “Holy shit, my ear.”
“Alex!” No answer, which was starting to make her nervous. More nervous. “Okay, let me look around.”
Thank goodness, he wasn’t lying injured anywhere in the house or on the grounds. And wherever he’d ventured, he hadn’t been gone long. When she touched the hood of his car, parked neatly in the garage, the metal was still warm.
So where in the world—
Oh. Oh, she knew exactly where he was. Or at least, she knew what he was doing.
“He’s walking somewhere nearby.” Closing the front door behind her, she squinted into the night. “Either on one of the trails or the secret stairs.”
She hoped the latter, because she didn’t particularly want to trespass onto closed, dark, unfamiliar trails, especially given the panoply of local wildlife Alex had noted.
“Okay.” Marcus let out a slow breath. “Why don’t you wait inside, or by the front—”
“I’ll go find him and call you once I do.” With a swipe and a tap, she activated her cell’s flashlight function. “Don’t worry. I’ve got this handled.”
A very loud groan emitted from the phone’s loudspeakers. “If you get hurt searching for him, Alex will fucking murder me.”
“I’ll protect you,” she promised, then promptly hung up on Marcus’s objections.
The motion-sensor lights illuminated overhead as she half walked, half ran to the side gate, which was—
Unlocked and wide open.
Well, he obviously had taken the secret stairs. He was also due for another lecture about his personal safety, and once she was done begging his forgiveness and throwing herself at his feet, she’d be giving it to him.
Along with her heart, hopefully.
The night was cool, but the steps were numerous and her pace rapid, and she was sweating by the time she reached the top of the Saroyan Stairs. His favorite spot on the mountain, with stars twinkling above, the lights of downtown Hollywood sparkling below, and greenery all around.
At the first sight of him, her knees almost dissolved beneath her.
He was alive and upright, at least, and that was two prayers to the universe answered.
Halfway down the stairs, he sat on one of the benches, arms looped around knees tucked tight to his chest, staring intently up at the velvety, dark sky. As far as she could tell, he hadn’t heard her approach. He certainly didn’t acknowledge her presence.
He was still. A man constantly in motion finally at rest.
Whether that was good or bad, she didn’t know.
When she took the first step down to him, another set of lights illuminated, puncturing his absorption. His head jerked in her direction.
At the sight of her, his lips parted, his eyes going wide.
She kept moving, step by step, allowing the rail to bolster her shaky legs. “Please tell me you’re not injured in any way. Marcus has been frantic, and so have I.”
“I don’t . . .” His brow creased. “What?”
“You didn’t show up in Malibu, and no one has been able to get in touch with you.” A dozen more steps, and she’d be at his side again. Where she belonged. “Marcus called me. We were worried you were sick or injured.”
“Shit.” His eyes squeezed shut for a moment, his jaw working. “I missed my damn flight, my phone died, and I completely forgot about Malibu.”
Four steps. Three. Two. One.
There he was, within her reach again. She sagged against the rail in bone-deep relief.
Slowly, his body uncurled, and his feet lowered to rest on the stairs. The unflattering light emphasized the shadows beneath his eyes, the shagginess of his hair and beard, the rumpled fabric of that long-sleeved, slate-blue Henley she loved.
She could ask him why he hadn’t bought or borrowed a charger. She could find out why he’d missed his flight. She could scold him for worrying the people who loved him.
Or she could ask the only important question. “Are you ill or hurt in any way?”
“I’m not sick.” His pause discomfited her. “And if I’m in pain, I brought it on myself.”
Oh, shit. “Alex—”
He mustered a pale shadow of his usual grin. “Don’t worry, Wr—Lauren. You won’t be seeing me in your emergency room. It’s not that kind of self-harm. I promise.”
What that meant, she wasn’t certain. But she didn’t see any obvious signs of illness or injury, and he didn’t appear to be in acute distress.
“In that case . . .” She lifted the phone clenched in her sweaty hand. “I need to text Marcus and let him know you’re okay.”
Once she’d sent the message and confirmed its delivered status, she looked up to find his tired eyes trained on her, his lips tight.
“Sorry you came all this way for no reason, but thank you for caring about my well-being.” His knuckles shone white as he gripped the bench on either side of his hips. “May I escort you back to your car?”
Now. She would do this now.
“No,” she said.
“But—okay.” His shoulders rounded, and he studied the stairs under his feet. “Okay. I understand.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think you do.”
Courage, Lauren.
She was important. To him, and to herself, which meant this was the right thing. Finally, finally, she was doing the right thing.
“I would have come to see you anyway. If not tonight, then tomorrow.” Sucking in a deep breath, she set her fists on her hips. “I have things I need to say, and it’s going to be hard for me, so can you please let me speak until I’m done?”
He inclined his head, now watching her carefully once more, his entire body tense.
“I owe you an apology.” When she focused on the wrong she’d done him, the words came more easily. “Not only for the way I left, but why I left. I shouldn’t have abandoned you in the middle of a wedding reception, regardless of my reasons, but I definitely shouldn’t have abandoned you without telling you what had happened.”
Those tired eyes had turned sharp as flint once more, his haze of exhaustion gone in a heartbeat. But he didn’t say a word.
“I was already worried someone would say something terrible to me in front of you, because I knew how you’d react, and I just—” She blew out a breath. “I didn’t want you to get in trouble over me. Again. So I sent you up to the front table, figuring that would keep you safe.”
He opened his mouth, paused, then clamped it shut again. Which she appreciated, but this next part was going to be the true test of his self-control.
Her short nails biting into her palms, she braced herself and told him. “Then your agent tracked me down and asked to speak with me privately.”
A low, muffled, furious sound erupted from his chest, and he jerked violently, his brows slamming together. His expression hardened to stone, but he grimly kept his mouth closed.
“I refused at first, but he said he was concerned about you, and you’d seemed . . .” Restless and ashamed, she tugged at the end of her ponytail. “You’d seemed not yourself since your meeting with him, and I didn’t want to disrupt the reception by bothering you. So I went with him. Which I shouldn’t have done, and I’m sorry about that too. I promise never to speak to one of your business partners without you present ever again.”
At that, some of the fury faded from his grimace, and he blinked at her once. Twice.
“He told me about the StreamUs offer.” Another tug at her hair. “He said it was your last shot in Hollywood, and if they wouldn’t agree to have me as your cohost, you’d turn down the offer. He said even if they did agree, if I refused, you’d still turn them down.”
She frowned at him, because she’d been wondering—“Was that true? Did you tell him that?”
Exhaling loudly through flared nostrils, he nodded.
Well, at least she hadn’t bought an outright lie. There was that.
“I thought so. It sounded like something you’d say.” She pursed her mouth. “For what it’s worth, he seemed sincerely concerned for your future, Alex. And we both agreed the job was perfect for you. But we shouldn’t have had a conversation about your life and career without you, and I want you to know I realize that.”
Another tight-jawed nod.
“Finally, he asked whether what we had was worth your career.” Now they were getting to the hardest part, and she shut her eyes, allowing the darkness to ease the confession. “And I thought of your mom and your charity and Dina. All the people you support, and how important that support is to you, and how devastated you’d be when you had to stop paying them because you had no work and your money was gone. I thought of all the people who insult me, and how inevitable it was that they’d do it in front of you again. I thought about how you’d react to that and whether your career could survive yet another blowup in my defense.”
The memory of that moment left her dizzy and sick, and she blindly reached out for a rail or anything that could steady her on those steep, steep stairs—only to feel a broad, strong hand gripping hers tightly and another spread wide on her hip, bracing her against her own disorientation.
He wouldn’t let her fall. Even now, after what she’d done, he wouldn’t let her fall, and she had to swallow back a sob at the devastating sweetness of that.
“The thought of leaving you gutted me, Alex. G-gutted me.” Despite her best efforts, her voice broke, and tears slipped out from under her eyelids. “But I told myself I needed to be selfless, because your career was more important than my heart. More important than me.”
Another muffled roar rumbled through the night, and she bit her lip.
“So I decided your future for you. I left so you’d accept the job offer.” When she bowed her head, more tears dripped to the stairs below, unseen. “That wasn’t my right, and I’m so sorry.”
Her chest was hitching hard, and she tried to calm her breathing. Calm herself.
He finally spoke, his voice choked and rough, his hand still firm in hers. “You’ve explained and apologized. If you want my forgiveness, you have it. But if that’s the only reason you’re here—”
“It’s not. Maybe it should be, but it’s not.” She opened her eyes to meet his, allowing her tears to fall freely as she pled for her own future. Her own desires. Her own happiness. “I’m miserable without you, Alex. Absolutely desolate. And I can’t keep giving away pieces of myself, or there won’t be anything left. Not even my heart, because it’s yours now. All of it.”
His fingers clenched against her hip, his hold almost painful, and she welcomed it. Welcomed how his gaze turned open and bright with tears, welcomed the labored way he swallowed.
He was watching her with something like—wonder.
Like he’d wished on all those stars above and below them, and he’d wished for her.
“I love you. I love you.” Through a thick throat, she forced out what they both needed to hear. “And I’m important, which means what I want is important, and so is my love. If you choose me over your career and the future you could have had without me, so be it. That’s your decision, and if that’s the only way I can have you, it’s what I want too.”
From the dazed disbelief and affection in his expression, the softness of his mouth as he gazed at her, she knew the answer to her next question. But she had to ask anyway, because he deserved a voice, and she deserved the words.
“I’ve told you what happened that night and why. I’ve apologized. I’ve told you how I feel and what I want for myself.” She was clutching his hand so tightly, her fingers were going numb, but she didn’t care. If it were up to her, she’d never let him go again. “Now I need to know what you want.”
He licked his lips, and the sheen gleamed for only a moment before the overhead lights flickered out, leaving them in moonlit darkness.
Didn’t matter. She wasn’t moving anywhere anytime soon, unless he made her.
“I visited my mom this week,” he said slowly, his brow furrowed once more. “She told me exactly the same thing you did, that what happened to her wasn’t my fault. She also told me to stop sabotaging myself out of guilt. Which I hadn’t—I hadn’t realized I was doing. Not consciously.”
His hand trembled slightly, and she held it even harder.
“But she was right.” His lips quirked. “She’s always right. Much like you. It’s all extremely irritating and highly unfair.”
At that spark of quintessential Alex-ness, she had to smile.
“So now I’m trying to think things through a bit more carefully. With a future in mind. Because maybe I don’t deserve so much success, but I don’t not deserve it either. I work hard, and I haven’t done anything unforgivable. Which means . . .” He lifted a shoulder. “I’m going to attempt to get out of my own fucking way. Unless something is a matter of conscience and there’s no other way to deal with whatever the problem is, I’ll try not to blow up my life. For the sake of my mom and the charity and Dina, but also for me.”
Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness.
Or, rather, thank his mom, who’d been able to get through to him when no one else could. If he still wanted Lauren in his life after tonight, she was putting Linda on speed dial. Immediately.
“I like what I do. I like my career.” He huffed out a half laugh. “I’d like to keep having one.”
She laughed too, giddy with relief.
“This is all a long-winded, roundabout way of saying I accepted the StreamUs offer, although it’ll be my last deal with Zach as my agent. I already fired him, earlier today. And now I want to go back and fire him again, only with my fists.” The force of his sudden glower should have set the nearby succulents afire. When Lauren opened her mouth, though, he raised a staying hand. “But I won’t. Again, in deference to my long-neglected self-preservation instincts.”
His thumb on her hip moved in a small arc. A subtle caress, potent enough to make her shiver despite her lingering flush of exertion.
“I’d still prefer to have you on the road with me. But I won’t make it a condition of my acceptance unless you want me to, because that’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry.” His eyes met hers directly, lines carved deep between his brows. “You should be able to freely decide whether to accompany me or not, and you can’t do that if my answer depends on yours. I also shouldn’t have made such a huge decision about our future without talking to you first or asking what you actually wanted. Which is a failing you and I evidently have in common, Wren”—he snorted softly—“and I’m sorry for that too.”
He still wanted her. He still wanted her.
New tears spangled her vision, but she blinked them back and kept listening.
“Mom says I’ve always been all or nothing, and she’s right.” His chin tipped upward, and his tone was entirely unapologetic now. “I’m greedy. I want it all. The job and you by my side every day. But no matter what you decide, we’ll make it work. To echo an annoyingly wise woman: If that’s the only way I can have you, it’s what I want too.”
On the car ride to his house, unsure whether she might find him deathly ill or bleeding from some horrible accident, she’d found herself envisioning what their future could have held, if she hadn’t left. What it could still hold, if he was okay.
Panic, as it turned out, had made her priorities crystalline. It also spurred her willingness to think through all her options, not just the ones that came easily to mind. And when she considered her own happiness, not only the needs of others, what she should do had suddenly snapped into focus.
Maybe it wasn’t exactly what he’d wanted, but he’d get past that. Quickly, unless she missed her guess.
“I’ll come with you.” When he actually gasped, his mouth dropping open in shock before splitting into the biggest grin she’d ever seen, she smiled back at him. “Not just because you want me there, but because I want to be there. I want to be with you, and I want to explore the country and the world.”
“Wren!” he crowed, half rising to his feet and thrusting their joined hands into the air. “We’re going to make the most awesome team anyone has ever—”
“I’m not coming as your cohost or PA,” she interrupted, and he flopped back onto the bench and pouted at her. “I’ll do teletherapy while you work.”
Some patients couldn’t come to an office or didn’t want to, and she’d serve them. She’d help them, and be able to trace their progress, and hopefully emerge each day with her heart intact. She’d still do good in the world, but she wouldn’t sacrifice her own happiness anymore.
“I have one more demand.” When she poked his sulky lower lip with her fingertip, he kissed it. “You’re not going to like it, but you’re going to listen, and you’re going to agree to it.”
