All the Feels, page 30
“What did I say about interruptions?” The familiar, fond-but-stern tone snapped his mouth shut. “You haven’t abandoned me, sweetheart. We talk several times a week, and we have ever since Jimmy died. Yes, I’d prefer more frequent visits, but that doesn’t require moving here, and it doesn’t mean I’m lonely. I’m not. I just love my son and want to see him more often.”
It was an interruption, but it had to be said. “I want to see you more often too.”
“Then get out your calendar once you’re home, and we’ll schedule some visits.” With a tender hand against his cheek, she urged his head from her shoulder. “Now let’s talk about Jimmy.”
At the sound of that monster’s name, Alex flinched.
But his mother’s eyes met his directly. Her brow was clear, her body relaxed. She didn’t look scared or ashamed. Just . . . sad. For him, which was so like her he could have cried again.
“If I’d known how you felt, I’d have said this years ago. But I’m saying it now, and I want you to listen closely, Alexander Bernard Woodroe.” Her palms cupping his face, she enunciated each word distinctly. “You are not and have never been selfish. You didn’t notice his abuse because we kept it from you, baby. I was too scared and ashamed to say anything, and Jimmy wanted to isolate me, so he encouraged more distance between us.”
When he tried to protest, she spoke over him. “You weren’t my keeper, and you weren’t an expert on domestic violence. You were a young man with a life of his own and goals of his own, and I wanted that for you. I wanted you to have your own life.”
Lauren had said almost the exact same thing to him, only days before.
The two women he loved most in the world, the two women he trusted most in the world, the two women who never, ever lied to him, were telling him the exact same thing.
He exhaled shakily, his heart uncramping just a little in his aching chest.
His mother swept a thumb over his cheek, wiping away a stray tear.
“I didn’t work so damn hard all those years to keep you by my side forever. I did it so you’d grow up strong and smart. So you’d have the chance to elbow your way into the world and make it yours.” Her lips tipped up in a smile, even though her eyes were wet again. “Which is exactly what you did, Alex, and it makes me so freaking proud. Of you, but of me too. I’m your mom, and I raised you to be a hard worker and a good man, and that’s precisely what you are.”
It didn’t sound like a platitude or false comfort.
It sounded like truth, as his mom saw it.
“So let me be clear.” She shook his face a little in emphasis. “It would break my heart to watch you give up your life and career for me. It’s not what I want, and it’s not necessary. I’m an adult and perfectly able to care for myself and ask for help if I need it.”
He pinched his mouth tight, loath to speak the words that sprang to mind.
Even without those words, his mother correctly read his expression. “Yes, I know. I didn’t ask for help when I needed it before. But it’s been eleven years, Alex, and I’m not the same person I was then.”
For the first time, he could clearly see that.
Still, he hesitated. “If you need help, you’ll tell me?”
“Yes.” Her gaze was direct, her voice confident and sure. “I promise.”
His head suddenly lighter on his shoulders, he found himself able to smile at her. “Pinkie swear?”
She laughed, and he did too, and they clasped pinkies, as they’d done to seal vows all through his childhood.
After one last kiss on his forehead, his mother sat back in her chair and picked up her spoon again. “I’m going to eat my oatmeal, then make you some new toast. While I do all that, you can tell me what happened with Lauren.”
His smile died, and he slumped over the table.
Dammit, his mother had always, always been too smart for him. He hadn’t successfully snuck out of their apartment once.
“I watched you two together when I called the other night.” Her spoon clacked against the bowl as she scooped up a bite. “From what I saw, she cares for you very much, and you obviously love her. So why are you here, heartbroken and alone?”
She chewed her breakfast, the silver streaks in her hair glinting in the sun, utterly patient. Utterly relentless.
He might as well answer. She’d browbeat it out of him at some point anyway.
“I have no goddamn idea what happened.” He couldn’t help the bitterness in his tone. “In the middle of the wedding reception, Lauren said she had to return to her real life and her real job, thanked me for my kindness and friendship, and caught a cab for the airport. I haven’t heard from her since.”
Of course, he hadn’t contacted her either, but she was the one who’d left, not him.
“That’s odd.” Lines scored across his mother’s forehead, and she tapped her spoon against the surface of her oatmeal. “Did something happen at the wedding?”
He spread his hands, renewed frustration pounding at his temples. “Not as far as I know.”
She thought for a moment. “What about the rest of the day? Did anything else happen that might have upset her?”
“Again, nothing I know about.” Jumping to his feet, he began pacing. “I told her about the job offer, but she’d already decided to leave before that.”
“Out of curiosity,” his mother said slowly, “if Lauren had stayed and you’d accepted the offer, how did you intend to deal with the separation from her?”
He winced and paced faster. “I kind of, uh . . . assumed she’d want to come with me. As my cohost. Zach and I were negotiating with StreamUs about that when she left.”
Her mouth dropped open.
“You assumed that?” Her low whistle hurt his ears. “Wow. Alex—”
“Lauren already tackled that part of things, believe me.” He swallowed hard, his throat burning with yet more tears. “It wasn’t smart, and it wasn’t right, but I can’t go back and change what I did, Mom.”
Her little hum was starting to annoy the hell out of him. How had he forgotten that telltale noise? That unmistakable sign his mom smelled bullshit and intended to track down its source?
“And what if StreamUs said no? For that matter, what if StreamUs said yes and Lauren turned down the opportunity?” Her eyes narrowed on him. “What would you have done then?”
She knew. He knew she knew.
But she was forcing him to say it anyway, because his mom was the worst.
“I wouldn’t choose a paycheck over Lauren.” He scowled at her. “I’d have rejected the offer.”
“Alex . . .” Her eyes shut tight, she seemed to shrink into her seat. “God, Alex.”
Did she expect him to cast Lauren aside for a goddamn job? What the hell kind of man did she think he was?
Another lap of the island. Another. “What? Is it a crime to stay in the same damn state as the woman you love?”
“Of course not.” She opened her eyes, and they were red-rimmed. Tired. “But sweetheart, I don’t think you realize what you’re doing to the people who care about you.”
He threw his hands in the air, hurting and beyond frustrated. “Then tell me.”
His mother’s clear gaze speared through him, and she didn’t hesitate.
“You’re impulsive, Alex. Impulsive and generous and fiercely protective. You’ve been that way since you were little, and I love that about you. Always have, always will.”
There was a but ahead, and he suspected he didn’t want to hear the rest.
For her, though, he’d listen. For her, he’d do anything.
“But after the funeral, after Jimmy . . .” A single tear traced down her cheek, and she knuckled it away. “All that got so much more intense, sweetheart. Especially this last year, for reasons I don’t understand, and it’s terrifying.”
“What—” His heartbeat was pounding against his skull, and he couldn’t fucking think. “What does that even mean?”
“Suddenly, you’re willing to give up everything you have, everything you’ve worked for, without a second thought. Not just material possessions. Your career. Your entire future. Your happiness. And you’re willing to do it without looking for other options.” Her words shook, but she didn’t break eye contact. “Think about how that feels, for me and everyone else who loves you.”
He tore a hand through his hair. “I’m just trying to do the right thing.”
His mother pushed to her feet, walked over, and stood toe to toe with him.
“Sometimes doing the right thing requires sacrificing everything else, and sometimes it doesn’t,” she told him. “You’ve always been impulsive, but you used to try to make that distinction. You used to look for alternatives. Not anymore.”
His mother swallowed so hard, he could hear it.
“If you’ve been atoning for what Jimmy did, it’s time to stop. It wasn’t your fault. And whatever happened this last year, find a way to move past that too.” Her face bruised and tearstained, she raised her chin and stared him down. “You don’t need to sacrifice your future to prove your love or become a good man. You’re already a good man, sweetheart, and you always were.”
Wren had said almost exactly the same thing. Again.
You’re morally and legally obligated to believe me when I say you’re a good man. You have no choice. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.
He’d like to believe both of them. The two women he loved most.
Had he terrified Wren like he’d terrified his mother? Was that why she’d left?
His legs were unsteady beneath him as he staggered to the living room and collapsed onto his mother’s couch. He buried his face in his hands and tried to think.
“Lauren worried about my future more than I ever did.” God, his eyes stung. “Do you think—do you think I scared her too, and she was trying to save me from trouble by breaking up with me? Before I could blow up at the next asshole who insulted her and wreck my career for good?”
His mother sat beside him on the sofa, and repositioned him with gentle insistence until he was resting his head on her shoulder again. “I don’t know, baby. But for what it’s worth, I saw genuine affection between the two of you. On both sides.”
That night in Olema had felt like more than affection. It’d felt like love.
On both sides.
“Maybe give her a little time and space to miss you.” She squeezed him. “And then, if she truly doesn’t want you or won’t let herself have you, let her go, sweetheart. You deserve someone who’ll fight to keep you in her life, because you’re a catch. And that has nothing to do with your money or fame or the volume of thirst tweets directed your way, and everything to do with your enormous heart.”
Her palm patted that general region of his chest.
He sighed and held his mom tighter. “I wish you didn’t know the phrase thirst tweets. Especially in reference to me. Especially especially since I’ll be posting more shirtless pics soon.” He paused. “I really enjoy all the attention and retweets and flame emojis.”
“I know that too, sweetheart.” Snorting softly, she kissed the crown of his head. “Believe me, I know.”
THE AIRLINE AGENT at the check-in counter cringed when she processed Alex’s ID and saw which flight he was on. Or, rather, which flight he would not be on.
“I’m so sorry, sir.” She handed back his driver’s license. “Passengers have to check in at least thirty minutes before departure.”
He sighed. “Then I’ll take a first-class ticket on the next available flight to LAX, if there’s still an open seat.”
Between his tear-choked, long-overdue conversation with his mom and his impulsive plans later that morning, he’d run absurdly late the entire day. Which wasn’t a huge surprise, since time management had always been difficult for him, but he normally had his virtual PA to keep him on schedule. Or, in recent months, Wren.
Where was she? What was she doing?
Did she miss him?
Fuck, he hurt. His heart and his arm and his bloodshot eyes and everywhere.
Still, he offered the check-in agent a tired smile when she found him a ticket, and one relatively enormous credit card purchase later, he was going through security and walking to the business lounge. Along the way, his carry-on rolling smoothly at his side, he checked his phone.
His mother had sent a new text. Great visit, sweetheart. Love you. Don’t forget what we talked about, or else I’ll have to ground you. Safe travels. Then, minutes later: Thanks for letting me be your mom again. I missed that. ♥
His lips tilted, and he blinked against the prickle in his sinuses.
Love you too, Mom, he wrote back, pausing at the side of the concourse. I won’t forget. Less atoning, more thinking. ♥♥♥
He’d been thinking all afternoon, as a matter of fact.
Instead of scattering his thoughts, the pain had focused them.
If he wasn’t irredeemably selfish, if he didn’t need to atone, if he didn’t have to prove his love through heedless self-sacrifice, then his path forward was clear. Finally, finally clear. No matter what did or didn’t happen with Lauren.
He unblocked his agent and sent another text before he could change his mind.
Zach: I’m accepting the StreamUs offer, albeit with certain demands we can discuss tomorrow. He hesitated, but kept thumbing. That said, this is our last deal together. Although I appreciate all you’ve done for me, it’s time for us both to move on. Thanks.
Because if he wasn’t a terrible person, if he could believe both his mother and Wren when they said he was a good man, he deserved an agent who respected him, even when he was annoying. Which he would be. Often.
Maybe Francine, Marcus’s agent, wouldn’t mind that so much.
After another few gates, the business lounge entrance came into view. As he entered the quiet, expansive space, he began a text asking his best friend for Francine’s contact information, and his phone’s battery died three words into the message.
He dropped his bag onto the first available seat and rifled through its contents, but where the hell his charger had gone, he couldn’t say. He could buy or borrow another, of course, but . . . he could handle being offline for a few hours. It might even do him some good.
Leaving his bag in the chair, he slid his cell into his pocket and claimed a plate at the end of the buffet. Then another, when he couldn’t fit everything he wanted on the first. After a moment’s thought, he ladled out a bowlful of yogurt too, because he was hungry and his stomach hurt.
He hadn’t been eating enough at breakfast. Not for a long time, except with Wren.
His ADHD sometimes made remembering things like that difficult, but he’d had years of targeted therapy to help him deal with similar issues. The disorder might have been a contributing factor in his negligence, but it wasn’t the root cause.
He understood that now.
Wren or no Wren, he would take more care in the future, because he hadn’t earned that pain. He hadn’t. No matter what had happened to his mother. No matter what had happened on the show.
Wren had told him that. His mom had told him that.
And he was finally ready to believe them.
30
MUCH TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING, LAUREN WOKE TO someone leaning on her doorbell.
Alex, she thought wildly, the relief hitting her brain like a narcotic. Alex is here to—
But no. He’d let her go almost a week ago, and there had been no texts or phone calls or visits from him since. Not one.
Throwing back the covers, she knuckled away her tears and summoned her new mantra.
“I did the right thing,” she repeated for the millionth time, then forced herself to shuffle to the apartment’s entrance. “I did the right thing.”
She didn’t even bother to check the peephole before flipping the deadbolt and opening the door, because it wasn’t him, and if it wasn’t him, she didn’t care. Whoever it was, she’d send them away so she could be alone in her misery once more. Even if it was Sionna, whom she’d somehow managed to successfully avoid for six entire days now.
Only that was a lie, because as soon as she actually saw her best friend on her doorstep, she bent at the waist and burst into uncontrollable sobs and stumbled into Sionna’s arms.
An indeterminate amount of time later, she surfaced enough from her haze of desolation to notice they were sitting on the couch now. Lauren hiccupped and blew her nose with tissues that had miraculously appeared in her lap, Sionna’s hand gentle on her back.
“I saw your car in the garage this morning and decided I was tired of you dodging me, so I called in sick.” Her friend’s voice was quiet. Soothing. “What happened, babe?”
Between sobs, Lauren told her. All of it.
Sionna listened patiently, as she always did. Then, after one last rub of Lauren’s back, she settled against the couch cushions and looked thoughtful.
“That’s it?” she asked. “You’ve told me everything now?”
At Lauren’s nod, Sionna continued, her voice dry but not unsympathetic. “Allow me to summarize, then: After noisily fucking Alex, the man you clearly adore and who seems to adore you in return, you got a little angry at him for making unilateral decisions and a lot scared he’d destroy his professional future, so you made a unilateral decision to leave him, called him inconsiderate, and dumped his ass without warning in the middle of his ex’s wedding reception, thus destroying any possibility of a romantic future with you.”
The words dropped into Lauren’s belly like a lead weight, and her stupid eyes prickled again. Fuck, that dispassionate summary made her sound like a monster. A hypocritical one too.
She tore her tissue in half. “I didn’t call him inconsiderate.”
The rest she couldn’t deny, much as she wanted to.
“You questioned whether he took you and your preferences into account when making all his grandiose plans.” Sionna’s mouth quirked. “Which was an absolutely fair point, because he clearly didn’t. But it’s still an accusation of selfishness, or at least self-absorption.”
Lauren froze.
