Forbidden to Remember, page 5
“Step up,” he gently orders and I lift my leg only for it to land on the same level. Nate starts laughing in my ear and I, frustrated and amused at the same time, tell him off. He turns me around and lifts me up suddenly. I let out a short scream and then he opens a door. Nate places me down and I balance myself, my blindfold on tight. I can’t see a thing. Then he slowly starts to take the blindfold off and I rub my eyes.
“Open your eyes.” And I do. I meet his eyes and then he turns me around. We’re in a living room with a big TV screen in front of a dark blue couch that seems really comfortable.
“What’s this?” I ask and he turns on the TV screen, mirroring the screen on his computer. He opens a map named ‘Sami’ and I feel like melting. He then faces me with a big grin.
“You said you can’t remember anything,” he answers and I wait for him to continue. He walks to me, cupping my face. “So, I thought about how to help you and I decided you need to find out what’s your favourite movie.” I frown, but smile, such a nice thing for him to do for me. He pulls me forward and we sit down on the couch, Nate pulling a warm blanket over us.
“So, what are we watching?” I ask and he smiles, pointing at the telly.
“I have some of the most watched movies, a total of six so I hope you have all night,” he jokes and I look at him with affection, feeling a strong urge to kiss him, to wrap my arms around his neck and let our bodies become one. This is our sixth date since that coffee, and two weeks have not passed yet. We spend every spare minute we have together. I love being around him. But we haven’t kissed yet, he’s incredibly patient. I guess he took me by my word when I told him I didn’t want to rush. And I love that about him.
“Of course, I do,” I say in a small voice and we lock eyes, the tension between us so strong.
Nate looks away. “Ok, I thought we’d start with a classic. Every human being alive has seen this movie.” He opens a map with his computer mouse and I look at the title.
“Titanic,” I read to myself and Nate nods.
“Yes. It’s really famous. Girls love this movie. They cry. We, men, don’t fancy it so much. I mean, it’s ok, but I couldn’t watch it over and over again.” Nate makes us some popcorn and opens up a drink. The movie starts and as soon as the sad music starts it seems familiar.
“I’ve seen this movie,” I say excited that I’m watching something I’ve watched before the accident. It’s like this Sami has something in common with that Sami now.
“I’m sure you did,” Nate says and I lean closer to him.
“Wait, if you don’t fancy this movie very much, why are we watching it?” I ask him 10 minutes into the movie and he gives me a soft smile.
“For you.” With a foolish smile, we go back to watching Titanic.
By the end of the movie, I’m positive that I’ve seen Titanic. More than that, I knew most of the lines by heart. I don’t even know where that came from but I would start saying the lines with the actors out of nowhere. It surprised both me and Nate. When that final scene comes, I start crying but not because of the movie; I cried when Jack died. I start crying because I realise that this must have been my favourite movie.
“I told you you’d cry,” he says and I chuckle through my tears.
“Nate, I’m elated. This is my favourite movie. Do you realise what you’ve just done for me?” I hug him. “Thank you.” He hugs me back and takes in a deep breath, probably smelling my hair, and I pull away. There is a long pause as we stare at each other, my eyes keep bouncing from his eyes to his lips.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” I whisper and Nate opens his mouth.
“Me too.” I lean in closer.
“What’s stopping you, then?” I ask in a low voice and he strokes my cheek, pushing my hair behind my ear.
“I don’t want to rush you,” he whispers back and then pulls away. I feel like hitting him. Really? “Another drink?” He holds up my glass and I nod, not looking at him, angry that he just did that to me. Idiot.
By 4 a.m., we finish the list.
“I really can’t thank you enough for this,” I whisper and he looks at me with a smile.
“Sami, stop thanking me. I did this because I care about you,” he tells me and I look up and move closer to him. We freeze again, my whole body aching with the want and need to touch him, to kiss him. We are inches apart.
“Kiss me,” I whisper and Nate looks up in my eyes, away from my lips.
“I thought you needed time,” he protests and I put my hands on his face, pulling him closer.
“Just kiss me, you fool.” And with that, I crush my lips onto his. The kiss is slow at first, as we both take time to enjoy the electricity between us, but soon it turns into something naughtier, more yearning, and more passionate. He gently lays me down on the couch, moving on top of me, deepening our kiss, our tongues playing a game. Running my hands through his hair, his left hand grabs my breast and I pull away.
“Too fast?” He asks worried and I think to myself what if I’m a virgin? But then I come to the conclusion that I’m 24 and have probably already had sex. I look into his eyes and smile softly. I pull him back to me and we start kissing again. I take off his T-shirt and he takes off mine. And, conveniently, I’m not wearing a bra. I blush.
“Sami, we don’t have to,” he says and I nod.
“I know. I want to. I’m just a bit shy, I don’t know why,” I explain and he nods as well. We take our time; he as patient as ever, until we’re both naked and there’s nothing left to do.
We start having sex and I become aware I am not a virgin. Our bodies feel like one, enjoying every second we’re this close. He takes it slow, kissing me and touching me all over. My nails dig into his back. This is good, I think to myself. This is really good. And we switch the positions.
When we finish, we lie on the couch, each on our own side, panting. He gets up and walks out, me checking his bottom on the way out, and comes back with two glasses of water. I thank him and after a minute or so, I start laughing. He looks at me amused as I literally start crying from laughing so hard, unable to explain why I’m laughing even though Nate keeps asking. When I calm down a bit, I dry my cheeks.
“Well, I can sincerely say that this was the best I’ve ever had,” I say and Nate frowns at me.
“What are you talking about?” And then it’s not so funny anymore.
“I don’t know, I just thought it was funny I can’t remember anyone,” I say, confusing even myself. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I was laughing so hard.” He smiles, kisses my cheek softly and turns on the TV. We start watching whatever is on. Nate hugs me from behind and I feel really, really happy for the first time in six months.
Oh, how much I love him. I really do love him.
Wait. What?
“Don’t stop, Alex,” I whisper and then he stops. I open my eyes happily and meet his wonderful green eyes. We both smile, kiss and then he stands up and walks out of my room. This was so good.
“Want something to drink?” He yells from my kitchen and I smile.
“Yeah, sure,” I yell back and a minute later, he comes back naked with a glass of orange juice. I check him out, out of habit, and smile. He sits down and I drink the glass and place it on my night stand.
“What are we?” He suddenly asks and I frown.
“What do you mean?” I ask him confused and he sighs.
“I mean if we’re just two friends who have sex, or are we going somewhere?” He asks me and I cover my face with my palms. “Look,” he takes my hands, “I really like you. I really want more than sex from you. From us.” I smile softly and nod, stroking his cheek lightly.
“I like you too,” I say and he grins. We start kissing and then he starts tickling me and I giggle like a little girl.
“Stop, stop,” I beg him but he doesn’t stop. When I escape from his embrace, I run out of my bedroom and into the living room. He runs after me and we start chasing each other around my apartment, naked.
“Alexander,” I yell out. “You stop this instant or else.”
“Or else what?”
“I won’t kiss you ever again,” I threaten and he stops with a huge playful grin. I pick up a blanket on the couch and wrap it around me.
“Oh, is that a threat, miss?” He asks and I nod. “You’re so sexy when you’re mad.” He comes to me slowly and lifts me up in his embrace and starts spinning around. I start laughing and so does he.
“I love you,” he yells out and I look at him, both of us surprised he said that. He lets me on the floor and I cup his face.
“You love me?” I ask again. He nods.
“Yes. I do.”
“I love you too.” And we start kissing.
I try my best to keep my breathing normal and not show any signs of panic because I am panicking a lot. And the last thing I wish to happen right now is to have to explain to my new lover about the memory I have just remembered.
Alexander?
Six
Nate and I walk into the pub, both of us grinning like fools. When I see Nancy, I let go of Nate’s hand, walk behind the counter and get ready for work, I look at her. She’s grinning as well.
“You’re late,” she says in a sing-like tone and I chuckle. “Where were you?”
“His place.” Nancy walks in the back and then I focus on my work. But my eyes keep searching for Nate who is here with some of his mates before he has to go to work with them. In a couple of minutes, Nate approaches the counter and leans on it.
“I must go. I have to go to work,” he explains and I smile dreamily.
“My boyfriend is a copper.” Nate laughs, taking my hand and pulling me to the end of the counter, where he pecks a quick kiss on my lips.
“Do you have to go?” I ask and he pushes my hair behind my ear.
“Sorry. Be good,” he orders, kissing me again and I feel like sticking to him and never letting him go. When we break it off, I lean forward again, expecting another kiss. When he leans away, I give him a puppy-eyes look.
“Don’t give me that look, miss, or I might be forced to take you with me,” he says in a playful tone and I chuckle.
“Really? Will you lock me in a cell and put handcuffs on me?” I ask in a playful voice and he starts laughing.
“I just might.” He places a kiss on my forehead and then backs away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And with that, he walks out. I stare out after him, thinking how lucky I am, that this man is my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now. My boyfriend is so dreamy. Bloody hell, do I feel like a teenage girl right now.
I feel a hand on my upper back. “I haven’t seen you this happy, sweetheart.” I look at Nancy and smile at the floor.
“I’m really happy,” I tell her and she kisses my cheek and walks away. And then I think about what I have just said. I’m really happy. And I mean it. It’s not a lie.
When I finally come home, all I can think about is a hot shower, food and movies. I quietly unlock the front door and go straight to my room. After a quick shower, I gather some food I feel like eating and then go back to my room where I put on a comedy series to watch. And as I do that and eat, I take out my notebook of my memories and reread that Alexander part again. I keep hoping that if I were to reread it a million times, maybe it would trigger some other memory of him and I could find out if we’re broken up. But, since Becky has never mentioned him, I guess we must be. Plus, he hasn’t exactly popped in to visit or called. Maybe he was my boyfriend years ago. I don’t exactly have a time frame for this memory, all I remembered was him, and how I felt being with him. And those emotions were strong. The affection I felt towards him was intense and I think he must have been a huge part of my life once upon a time. And even though I don’t remember what happened with us, I am positive that whatever went down, mustn’t have been easy. I must have been heartbroken when we separated. Maybe he was my first love.
I take a pen and write next to his memory ‘First love’ and a lot of question marks. I stare at his name. Alexander. It feels as familiar as Sam does. But they feel different if that makes any sense.
I let out a frustrated sigh, closing the notebook loudly and throwing the pen across the room, angry that I couldn’t remember anything else. I need to find out who Sam and Alexander are and I don’t feel ok asking Becky about them. I just have a strange feeling and I think that this is something I have to figure out by myself. Maybe Sam was yet another lover and I just liked to, you know, explore my options, if I can express myself like that. Maybe, the previous Sami was a totally different person than this Sami.
I stand up from my bed and get my pen. I put my notebook safely under my mattress so that nobody could find it and lie down, turning my tablet off. I stare out at the darkness in front of me, tossing and turning, thinking about Alexander.
I open my eyes, the warm sunshine welcoming me into a new day. I smile, stretch and remember that it’s my day off work today. I let out a relieved sigh, feeling rather tired from this week and it’s only Wednesday, somehow. I take my phone and play some games for a while, not feeling like getting out of bed. I check my messages and see there’s a text message from Nate. My heart starts beating faster and my whole body feels like butterflies. The text said to call him when I wake up. So, I do.
“Hello, beautiful,” he says excitedly and I grin like a fool once again. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” I mumble back, rolling on my back.
“Did you sleep alright?”
“I did, officer,” I say and he laughs in my ear. I giggle as well.
“When can I see you?” He asks. I have, somehow, rolled to the edge of the bed, my head hanging from my bed. I groan, remembering what day it is and why I took this day off work in the first place.
“Not today, babe.”
“Why not?”
“Because today is Harry’s 30th birthday and the whole family is coming to visit. I’m expected to be present even though I feel like running to Scotland and changing my name.” He starts laughing and I ask him what he is laughing about.
“Nothing, sorry, wow, this sucks, huh?” He asks after the third time I’ve asked him what is funny and I nod, fully aware he can’t see me.
“I know,” I whine. “I don’t even know the family. It’ll be like being thrown to the wolves. I hate not remembering.” I feel the urge to be hugged right now. And spoiled. Spoiled rotten.
“Calm down, baby, it’ll be fine.” I smile and roll on my stomach, pushing myself up in a sitting position, excited. A light bulb in my brain has just turned on.
“I just got a brilliant idea,” I announce proudly. “Why don’t you come as well?” It’s quiet for a while.
“I don’t know, Sami. I mean, we’ve gone out on a couple of dates, I don’t think meeting your whole family is wise.” I feel my whole body is filled with disappointment.
“It’s not like you’re meeting my parents,” I say offended.
“I don’t know, Sami,” he repeats and I want to hang up and never speak to him again. “And what will you tell people when they ask you who I am?”
“That you’re my boyfriend,” I say as if he’s just asked me if I think the Earth is round. Though, we’ve never really talked about us and haven’t said we’re exclusive. Have I said something I shouldn’t have?
“And when they ask how long we’ve been together?” So, are we an official couple now? He hasn’t denied my previous statement or even hesitated. I come back, realising what he’s trying to prove.
“Ok, I get your point, Nate,” I say frustrated. “I’ll just see you when all of this is over.” And before he could say anything else, I hang up with a quick bye. I stare out in front of me for a while, feeling sorry for myself, and then I walk to the kitchen. I am famished. I open the fridge, take out a milk carton and see Becky, all dressed up, with makeup and everything.
“Good morning,” she almost sings and I give her a lame smile, showing I am not in a good mood.
“Hi.” I don’t feel like saying good morning. It’s not a good morning.
“Ok, the family will be here soon so, please, get dressed,” she says and I look down at my cereal.
“Could I have some breakfast first?” I ask coldly and Becky stares back at me surprised. I walk to my room with the bowl of cereal in my hands, not looking at her. I close the door, eat quickly and then open my closet, picking out what to wear. Honestly, I just want to put on my black tights, and my oversized red hoodie and put my hair up in a bun or a ponytail, lie in bed all day, try to remember anything else and watch series. I watch series way too much. In the end, I put on my black fake-leather skirt, black see-through leggings and a black knitted sweater. I let my hair loose. I put on mascara and eyeliner only. And then I walk to the kitchen with the dirty cereal bowl and place it in the sink. I stand in front of the door that leads to the living room, where there’s already a loud chatter. I take in a deep breath, calming myself.
“You can do this,” I tell myself. “You’ve got this.” But, before I could open the door, Becky came bursting through, almost hitting me in the face.
“Sami, here you are,” she says relieved and grabs my hand, pulling me into the living room. There are about ten people there, they all stop laughing as we enter, staring at me. Becky stops in front of two people, a man and a woman. “Sami, these are my parents, your aunt and uncle. They raised you.” I look at both of them confused as ever, not recognising them. Automatically, I extend my hand towards the man, my uncle.
“Don’t be silly,” he says and pulls me into his embrace. Shocked, I leave my arms right where they have been before. Why is everyone in my family so unfamiliar, whereas Sam and Alexander feel like a part of me and I haven’t even seen them in person since the accident? Hell, I don’t even know who Sam is.
