Forbidden to Remember, page 1
Forbidden to Remember
Nina Ali
Austin Macauley Publishers
Forbidden to Remember
About the Author
Dedication
Copyright Information ©
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Epilogue
About the Author
Nina Ali was born in Ljubljana, a bustling city of a small but beautiful country, Slovenia. She started writing at the young age of fourteen, discovering that with it she could enter a world of her own. She found writing to be her refuge and an outlet for her creativity, improving her skills as she grew. Amidst life’s daily hustle, she always makes time for family, friends and her dog.
Dedication
To my family and to Spela, for always encouraging me to follow my dreams.
Copyright Information ©
Nina Ali 2024
The right of Nina Ali to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781035830886 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781035830893 (ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published 2024
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®
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E14 5AA
12 March 2017
He is dead and I didn’t even get to tell him that I’m sorry and that I love him and that I beg for his forgiveness—all because I had been too bloody proud…
One
I open my eyes and look around. The room I’m in isn’t familiar. I tense my eyes, realise my vision is a bit blurry, and then try to absorb everything around me. The room is painted all white, the lights are dimmed and there’s a window, but it’s dark outside, so maybe it’s night-time?
“Hello.” I hear a voice and I push on my elbows. Silence. I look down, confused, and see needles in my arm, I start panicking, feeling like I can’t breathe even though I have started taking in deep breaths. Then, I see hands coming straight at me and start feeling hysterical. I scream, but a second later I realise those hands are mine. I stare at the fingers, examining them and trying to figure out why I have just been frightened by my own hands. I look past them and uncover myself. I see I’m wearing a hospital gown and I frown. I’m in a hospital? I try hard to remember why I ended up in here but my mind is blank.
“Hello.” This time, I recognised the voice as mine and started feeling like crying. Why can’t I remember? And then a simple thought hits me. What’s my name? And if my life depended on it, I couldn’t remember. What is my name?
A scream echoes through the room once again and not a minute later, I see an overweight woman of colour walking fast towards me. She must be a nurse. Two more join her and they all hold me down as I try to stand up in panic. I feel like running away.
“Call Dr Geller,” she says to the youngest nurse and she disappears.
“Calm down, Sami, we won’t hurt you. You’re in a hospital, you’re going to be ok.”
Sami?
Soon a middle-aged man enters, his hair grey, his look comforting. I’m still trying to escape, not recognising my own name which is alarming me out even more. The doctor gives me a shot of something liquid that forces me to calm down.
“It’s ok,” he says, taking my hand and squeezing it lightly. “Calm down, it’s ok. You’re in a hospital in London. You had a car accident a few weeks ago and have been in a coma since. Your name is Sami Benton. We have already called your family and they are on their way here. Now, just take deep breaths and try not to panic.” I want to freak out again, but the drug he gave me prevents it from happening. So, I take his advice and start taking deep breaths, thinking about everything he’s told me.
“I can’t remember…” I trail off, tears falling down my face quietly, and he gives me a reassuring smile.
“It happens, Sami. We’ll take care of you, don’t worry.” The softness in his eyes and voice helps me calm down and I wait and wait for my family to arrive even though I have no idea whom he was referring to. My mum and dad? Sister? Maybe a brother? Or a husband?
But after what seems like an eternity, Dr Geller leads in a short, chubby woman in her mid-thirties. She seems to light up when she sees me and half runs to my bed, in tears already.
“Oh, Sami, I can’t believe you’re finally awake,” she sobs in my ear, hugging me close. I put my hands on her back lightly, wondering who this woman is. “I thought we’d lost you.” She keeps stroking my hair and doesn’t stop repeating the last sentence. Who is she?
Then I hear loud noises. I look at the door and start panicking. There’s a tall, slim man with ginger hair standing there, with a little girl that seems about three years old, and a baby in his arms. I swallow loudly, feeling my throat dry up. Am I married? Is he my husband?
“I have children.” I hear my own voice, terrified of the woman saying yes. What will I do if I have children?
“No, Sami, those are mine, don’t worry,” she consoles me at once and I let out a long and relieved sigh. The woman chuckles and I start wondering when the time will come for me to learn her name.
“Dr Geller told us about your memory loss,” says the ginger man with a soft smile and I force one back. There is a long, awkward silence in the room and I feel like falling back into a coma but the woman who claims to be my family breaks the silence.
“You must be so confused,” she says more to herself, I believe, than to me. “Look, I’m Becky, your cousin. Our fathers were brothers. This is Harry”—she points at the ginger man—“my husband and these two little monsters are our children, Pippa and Thomas, your nephews,” she explains quickly and I try to comprehend what has just been told to me. There is yet another long silence, only this time, it is broken by Dr Geller. He comes in, a big grin on his face, and looks down at me, checking something in his hands.
“How are you, Sami?” He asks and I nod, though I feel far from nodding. How do they expect me to be? Should I not be this confused, this scared?
“Good, a lot to take in, but alright.” He nods his head, only half listening as he is reading some papers in his hands, and then looks up at me, still smiling.
“You’re a brave girl,” he says and then faces Becky and the others. “You better leave her to rest. It’s been a lot for her.” Becky nods immediately, rushing Harry out of my room, and kissing my cheek on the way out. When I’m finally alone, I stand up slowly and walk to the bathroom. I sit down on the toilet, not because I have to pee, but because I have to comprehend what has just happened.
“Your name is Sami Benton. You have been in a car accident almost a month ago and have been in a coma since. Your name is Sami Benton. Sami Benton, Sami Benton…” As I keep repeating my name, I feel even more lost. Covering my face with my palms, I shed a few tears, giving myself the option to be weak for the first time since I’ve woken up. After a while, I dry my cheeks and stand up, feeling cold, when I see my reflection in the mirror. The girl staring back at me is kind of beautiful, with pale blue eyes that seem too big for her face, and long, curly blonde hair and a lot of freckles all over her face. I slowly walk to the mirror, coming within a few inches of it, and start examining my face closely.
“Is this me?” I ask and my question has already been answered. As I spoke, the girl staring back at me spoke as well. I don’t feel like looking at myself anymore and I walk out of the bathroom. I lie down on my bed and hug my knees to my chest, trying hard to remember something, anything. I tense all my muscles as if to force my brain to remember but in vain. It feels like I’m searching for something in an empty room.
In the end, as disappointed as ever, I give up, close my eyes and start crying.
As I’m sitting on a wooden and a bit uncomfortable chair in Dr Geller’s office, I feel like looking away. He has been pointing a small flashlight directly in my left and then right eye and honestly, it’s giving me a terrible headache.
“Well, Sami, you seem to be doing well,” he says after a while and I smile weakly. He rolls away on his chair and takes something from his desk. “Now, I want you to look at these photos and tell me if you remember anything, ok?” I nod, a little bit scared and nervous. The first photo is of two people, around 23, 24 maybe. There is a beautiful woman, with hair just like mine and her
“You don’t remember them?” Becky asks from behind and I shake my head again, not being able to speak. She then comes to me, stroking my back, and she seems a little uncomfortable. “They are your parents, Sami.” My parents? The thought that I don’t remember my own parents hits me hard, and I feel like lying down on the cold floor and crying from the guilt I am feeling. How can I not remember my own parents? Then I realise.
“Where are they?” I ask, wondering why they aren’t here instead of Becky. Dr Geller starts reading something in my medical file and I look back at Becky who seems like she’s about to start crying.
“Um, Sami, sweetheart, your parents died in a car accident when you were six years old.” I let those words sink in and then I look away, staring at the floor. I feel my eyes start burning and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I cover my face with my palms and start crying loudly, grieving their deaths as if for the first time. Becky’s arms are around me in seconds as I sob uncontrollably into my palms. “Why is she like this?”
“It’s perfectly normal,” answers Dr Geller so Becky’s question must have been for him. “She’s feeling everything as if it were for the first time. Her reaction is not unusual.” After a few minutes, I calm down a little bit, my nose so full I can’t breathe through it anymore. I stand up and take a tissue to blow it. Then I take in a deep breath, drying my cheeks, and go to sit down again.
“Go on,” I hear my hoarse voice and I decide that whoever picture I see next, whoever I won’t remember next, won’t hurt me as this did. I promise myself to be strong. You are strong. The second photo is of two children, both girls. One seems like eight or nine years old while the other one is just a baby, probably about one. I take a closer look at the photo and frown.
“Is this you?” I ask Becky and she nods with a huge smile spread out across her face.
“It is. And I’m holding you when you were almost one year old,” she explains and I smile weakly, looking back at the photo. Becky seems really happy in it, just as she does now.
“That little thing is me?” I ask but don’t expect an answer. It’s more like thinking out loud.
After what seems like an eternity, but is only 15 minutes, Dr Geller has finished with photos to show me. He gives me a glass of water to drink and then places a carton box on his desk.
“In this box, you have all of your personal belongings that you carried on the night of the accident and your clothes,” Dr Geller says and I feel scared again. My personal belongings? I stand up, slowly walking towards the box, peeking to check its content. It didn’t contain much in the end. I pull out a hand watch and a plastic bag filled with some jewellery, which tells me I wore a lot of rings before the accident. There is also a black handbag and a wallet. I feel my heart rate accelerate and open it, expecting to find something, but it only had 20 pounds in it, no ID or any other documents that would tell me, yes, you really are Sami Benton.
“Where are all the documents?” I ask in a small voice and Dr Geller makes an interesting face, probably as confused as I am.
“Well, it seems you didn’t carry any,” he tells me and I frown. Why wouldn’t I carry any ID while driving a car? But I drop the subject and look back inside the carton box. The next thing I pick up is a smaller bag. I open it up and realise it’s my makeup bag. Inside, there’s a liquid powder in beige, shade 40 and a compact powder of the same brand, shade 75, a mascara that said Luxurious Lashes and a black eyeliner. I must have worn a lot of makeup before the accident.
But, having learnt nothing about my past life from the makeup, I put it back inside, uninterested in it at the moment. I search for something more interesting but find only a smart phone that won’t start, headphones and a small bottle of perfume that smells really familiar. In the end, I pull out a black knitted leotard, bright blue high-waisted jeans, a knitted black and white cardigan, a black leather jacket and black sneakers. Was black my favourite colour?
I look inside the box once again but I realise I’ve checked everything.
“Is that it?” I ask disappointedly and Dr Geller nods, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“I’m afraid so. You also had a vegetarian sandwich and a yoghurt but we threw those away,” he explains and I nod, thinking they were right to do so. But vegetarian? Why would anybody eat a sandwich with only cheese and vegetables?
“You’re a vegetarian, Sami,” Becky explains and I look at her, confused once more.
“I didn’t eat meat?” I ask. “Since when?” Becky makes a thinking face.
“I think since you were about 18 years old,” and I nod thoughtfully, trying to remember why I made such a choice. And then a thought enters my mind, shocking me entirely.
“How old am I?” I ask, shocked that I don’t know and on the edge of lying on the cold floor and crying like a child again. Becky strokes my back, looking at me softly, but sympathetically.
“We forgot to tell you, didn’t we?” She tells me softly. “You’re 23, Sami. And your birthday is on 23 September.” I’m 23 years old.
“Ok, so am I still in uni or do I have a job?” I ask, demanding some explanation of how my life went up to this point and Becky and Dr Geller chuckle. I don’t find this amusing at all.
“You were a student of English Literature in London, but we signed you out a month ago,” Becky explains and I look at her angrily.
“Why would you sign me out? This wasn’t your choice.” Becky seems a bit shocked by the coldness of my voice but I feel so upset with her that it doesn’t bother me.
“They said you can enrol back at any time due to your situation,” she explains immediately to calm me down, but I still feel quite frustrated with her.
“I think it’s best if you stay at home this year, Sami,” Dr Geller says immediately, putting his wrinkled hands on my shoulders. “Getting back your memory can be hard and you don’t need any more stress, especially not from exams. You can enrol back in the fall.” I think about his words and realise he’s right. I really do want to remember everything as soon as possible but studying to get a diploma would probably slow the process down. Plus, how could I even study English Literature if I can’t even remember why I chose it in the first place? Then another thought occurs to me.
“What day is it anyway?” I ask, upset I have been overruled.
“It’s 13 February 2018,” Dr Geller answers and then gives me a soft, affectionate smile.
“And I got the best birthday present,” says Becky.
“Is it your birthday?” I ask not even looking at her, still upset she just signed me out of uni like that.
“It was yesterday.”
“Happy birthday,” I murmur unenthusiastically and walk out of Dr Geller’s office in need of some air. I stop in the middle of the hallway and sit on a bench I see nearby. I stare out in front of me.
“Sami?” I look up and see the same coloured nurse who was in my room when I woke up. I feel numb and just nod, as if to confirm I am Sami. Even though I don’t feel like her. She sits next to me. “My name is Gloria. Are you alright?” Her voice is so soft and so careful that tears start falling down my cheeks silently. She takes my hand, stroking it, and remains still and quiet. And I can’t explain how much I appreciate this. But, after a minute or so, Becky and Dr Geller find us.
“Sami, are you ok?” Becky asks, trying to hug me, but I keep pushing her away.
“Please, I just wish to be alone right now, Becky,” I say and see she is offended. I can see that on her face. Dr Geller looks at Becky.
“Mrs Mason, I want to discuss when you plan on taking Sami home,” he says and pulls Becky, walking away from us.
“Call me Becky, Dr Geller,” is the last thing I hear from them. I roll my eyes and wipe tears from my face.
“I don’t even know where home is,” I tell Gloria even though she’s a stranger.
