Forbidden to Remember, page 11
“He’s gotten worse since you last saw him. I’m sorry to say so.” And with that, she walks away, leaving me alone with Jackie. I literally don’t think I’ve ever been as afraid as I am at this moment. I stand frozen, looking at him, rocking and murmuring something again.
“The day will soon come…” I catch and I move closer, curious what’s he talking about. “Everything will change. The day will soon come. Everything will change.” He keeps repeating these two sentences over and over again and I feel chills going down my spine. What is he talking about?
“The day will soon come. Everything will change.”
“What day are you talking about, Jackie?” I ask him when I finally gather the courage to speak and he stops rocking and looks at me with a serious expression, again.
“The day will soon come,” he whispers and I move even closer to hear him. “Everything will change.” And then he starts laughing quietly. I swallow hard, my throat as dry as ever, on account of my being terrified at this moment.
“Which day?” Even I could hear my own voice trembling.
“23 September,” he says in a cold, mean voice. My stomach literally twists.
“What will happen then?” He laughs again and looks away, starts to rock back and forth again. He seems oblivious to my question so I repeat myself, but nothing.
“The day will soon come. Everything will change.” And I lost him. I crash my back on the couch, exhaling loudly, desperate for more information. I start looking at him, observing him, and thinking of ways to get him to talk to me.
“Where’s Rebecca?”
“What?”
“Rebecca, my sister, she hasn’t visited me since I came here. Why have you lied you’re her?” He seems so normal now. How can he be so normal in one moment and so creepy in another?
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” I say honestly. He turns around, and looks me in the eyes, his expression curious.
“Who are you?” For a minute there, I consider giving him a false name.
“I’m Sam,” I confess, thinking what harm could come from it? His eyes widen and then he moves closer to me, scanning the room and then giving me a very serious look.
“You’re in grave danger, Samantha,” he says and my heart starts pounding. “He’ll be here soon. He must know. You must go.” He grabs my hand, stands up and pulls me with him.
“You have to run, Samantha, hide,” he starts pulling me towards the exit.
“Who will know that I’m here? Who should I run from? Why am I in danger?”
“I cannot say because all our lives are in danger,” he says and comes to a halt. “No, no, no, no.” I look around, male nurses alert. Jackie runs to a corner of the room, pressing his back to the wall so hard it seems he wants to go through it. Male nurses are already around him, calming him and making him take a sedative, but he keeps yelling the word ‘no’. I start feeling nauseous, seeing him like this, and I turn around, gagging a little. And then I see the reason why Jackie lost it and I freeze, staring into Nick’s eyes. He walks in slowly, Jackie already silent, but I can’t see if he’s alright. I feel too afraid of Nick. He stops in front of me and looks into my eyes.
“You should have known where your place is,” he says, his voice cold. “Did you have to start digging up your past? Well, I would sleep with one eye open if I were you. After all, I think Jackie has already told you you’re in danger, Samantha.” And with that, he walks away. I keep frozen solid for a minute and then snap out of it, starting to move towards the exit slowly. When I come to the reception, the nice nurse comes to me, worried.
“Dear, are you alright? You seem as if you’ve seen a ghost,” she says and I look her in the eye and fake a weak smile.
“I’m fine, he’s just changed, that’s all.”
“Have you seen your father? He said to alert him whenever someone comes to visit him beside himself,” she says in a warm voice and I nod.
“Yes, it was quite the reunion,” I say, not really lying. I thank her for everything and then walk out, half running towards Gloria’s car. They are all already coming towards me, alert and worried, and when I get to them, I start to vomit in the middle of the parking lot, as scared as I’ve never been. They all keep asking me questions, but I can’t answer them. I look at the building again and see Nick watching me from the window.
“Gloria, please, just take me far away from this place.”
The whole ride back is agonising and I keep thinking about Jackie and the date he said, 23 September is my birthday date.
I’m in my room in Bristol, it’s raining and it’s rather cold for May. I have the day off, so I decide to spend it in my bed with my laptop. My hair is up in a messy bun, I’m in my underwear and an oversized red sweater, lying in my bed, safe under the covers. My laptop is playing a movie for me, but I’m not watching it. It’s just background sound. Instead, I keep rereading my pale pink notebook containing all my old memories. And the reason I keep rereading it is because I’m a firm believer that if I do, it will trigger yet another memory. But nothing ever happens. In fact, nothing has happened for a month now, ever since I visited Jackson. And that has been another puzzle I can’t take off my mind. I have turned my notebook upside down and wrote everything down that Jackson told me, and about Nick as well. I have been trying hard to think of a reason why my birthday would play such an important part here and why Nick is ready to take my life for it—everyone’s lives apparently, according to Jackie. But, for the life of me, I cannot come up with a good enough reason. What makes one kill his own family members?
I also can’t stop thinking about the last memory I had of Caroline. How she said that I could still ring my mother.
But what I hate the most is that I have no one I could talk this about. Get a fresh opinion, you know. Two heads know more than one. I can’t talk to Becky; she seems frightened enough by Nick, who has been a very, very regular guest here ever since he caught me in Glasgow. I thought he was here too much before, but now he won’t leave me unless I’m in my room or at work. He seems to be watching every step I make. I feel so unsafe in this house ever since. I want to move, but that will probably just raise suspicion. And I don’t want to do that. I can’t talk to Fred and Nancy. I can’t talk to Chris or Gloria—they are both in London miles away. And I can’t talk to Nate, with whom I would most like to talk this out because he thinks in a ‘policeman’ kind of way. I could use that. There have been many times, like right now, when I just want to pick up my phone and ring him, ask for help, but I don’t. I’m too proud, unfortunately.
Chris and I are something of an item, I guess. It’s nothing compared to Nate, we see each other once a week, every weekend when he comes to Bristol and stays with me. We talk every day, but I spend most of the time missing him rather than being with him. And I don’t like it as much anymore.
I reread that last memory of Caroline for the millionth time in this hour and then groan loudly, almost throwing the notebook across the room but stopping myself because I am aware that if I do, I’d have to get out of bed to get it. And today is my don’t-get-out-of-bed-unless-I-have-to-pee-or-eat kind of day. I feel very frustrated that after a month, I still haven’t found anything else about my past. The visit to Jackie truly has been for nothing. Well, I wouldn’t say nothing, he did tell me when my birthday is. Well, at least I confirmed my theory that Nick is behind all this. But now I’ve hit a wall. And that frustrates the hell out of me. I expected I’d be discovering new secrets every day, not this.
I hear my stomach and I roll my eyes. I get up and walk to the kitchen where I make myself three sandwiches and pour myself a glass of milk, warming it up. I’m in the hallway already when someone clears his throat. Nick, of course, following me like a shadow.
“Hello, Samantha,” he says and I look at him with a bored expression, taking a bite of my sandwich. I’m starving. He keeps calling me by my real name every time we’re alone. Like he doesn’t want Becky to know I remember but keeps reminding me he does.
“Hello, Nick,” I say back as coldly as possible. He gives me a warm smile.
“Hungry?” I look down at my food and glass of milk on a tray and roll my eyes.
“No, I’m making a food supply for the winter,” I say and walk back to my room, leaving him there alone. I sit back down on the bed, tucking in again, and this time start to pay attention to the movie.
When the movie ends, it’s time to start getting ready for Chris—he’s coming to stay for the weekend. I push myself off the bed and go to my closet, where I opt for bright jeans and a clean light pink cropped sweater. It’s started to rain. I put on some makeup and then go pick him up at the bus station—his car has broken down this week and he took a bus to see me. How romantic.
As I’m waiting, I listen to the radio and the sound of rain hitting my car. Two whole songs later, Chris enters my car.
“Hey, you,” he says as he leans in and we share a long kiss. “I’ve missed you.” I smile softly.
“Hey, babe,” I turn to start the car. “Want to go for a drink?” He grins and nods.
“A cup of tea would be lovely,” he says and I smile and nod as well. He’s reading my mind.
“I know. I’d really fancy an Earl Grey,” I say and start driving towards the bar where I work. “Gosh, we sound British.” We laugh.
When we arrive, we exit the car and I start walking towards the entrance while Chris walks to me and pulls me to him. “Come here. Give me a hug.” We hug for a few seconds and then I let him go.
“So, how are Gloria and Anna?” I ask casually after we order.
“They both miss you. Anna keeps asking when you’ll come to visit us. Other than that, everything is fine.”
“Oh, I really miss them too. Sometimes, I just want to pack everything up and move to London.” He gives me a curious look.
“Why don’t you?” He asks, hoping I’ll say that I’ve changed my mind and that I’ll move in with him. I shrug.
“I kind of have a feeling I am right where I’m supposed to be. I feel like there’s still a lot here I need to work out, plus, that way, I can keep an eye on Nick.” Chris’ expression saddens a little and he moves closer to me, takes my hand and starts kissing it.
“I’ve really missed you, Sam,” he tells me again and I force a smile.
“It hasn’t been a week, Chris, since we last saw each other,” I say as a joke, but realising I mean it as well. I’ve never realised how clingy he can be.
“Sami?” My heart starts racing, almost out of my chest. I slowly turn around and look into his beautiful blue eyes.
“Nate.” We stare at each other for a while until someone clears their throat. I look a little to the left and see that same blonde girl I’ve seen him with before. Nate looks at her and then at me and then back at her.
“Oh, Allie, this is Sam,” he says, correcting himself for calling me Sami a minute ago. “Sam, Allie, my girlfriend.” My mouth begins to fall open out of shock, but I’m able to manage it isn’t too obvious. I force a smile and we shake hands, her smile as fake as mine.
“Nice to meet you,” I say and she nods.
“You, too.” We let go and I smile over at Chris. Chris!
“Oh, and this is Chris, my boyfriend. Chris, this is Nate,” I introduce them and Chris shakes both their hands with a smile that doesn’t seem fake at all. Gosh, this is awkward.
“How are you? Have you visited Jackie?” I smile and nod, feeling like I’m about to burst. I want to tell him everything, but not with this blonde here beside him.
“I did go. I found out something, but it’s been a cold case ever since,” I explain and Nate smiles.
“Look, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ring me, ok? I’m happy to help.” I feel like drowning in those eyes. The air between us electrifies, Allie grabs a hold of Nate, pulling him lightly away and Chris takes my hand and kisses it.
“Thanks, Nate, I—”
“We have it under control, thank you,” Chris interrupts me and I give him a cold look.
“We should go, we have…a thing,” says Allie and Nate nods.
“Yes, nice to see you again, Sam, and nice to meet you, Chris.”
“Bye, Nate.”
“Bye,” he says and I start feeling so sad. I miss him so much. They walk away and then Nate turns around, “Oh, and Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m really sorry,” he says and we stare at each other. I can’t believe it.
I smile weakly and sadly. “I know. I am too.” He gives me a sad nod and then walks away. I turn to Chris, his expression anything but happy and I sigh, feeling like there’s a fight coming.
“I’ll get the check,” he says.
“Chris—” But he already walked away. I stand up and walk to the restrooms. When I’m finished, I wash my hands and am about to walk out when I hear Allie’s raised voice.
“I know you still have feelings for her, Nate,” she says.
“Allie, I told you I have no feelings for her. I’m with you now. She’s just a part of my past, that’s all,” he tries to explain.
“A past you won’t let go of. I felt the tension between you two. You almost jumped on each other.” I smile, leaning against the door.
“Now, you’re being dramatic, Al.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“Sorry?” I look at the door, shocked. Who asks that?
“Did you sleep with her?”
“That’s a stupid quest—”
“Why won’t you answer the question?”
“Because it’s a stupid question,” their voices are much louder by now.
“So, now I’m stupid? Call me when you get over her.”
“Oh, come on! Don’t be so immature.”
“Immature?” Now, I’m feeling a little uncomfortable listening to this.
“Of course, I slept with her. We’re all grownups and we were together for months.” Long pause.
After a minute or so, I peak outside and see the coast is clear. I walk to Chris.
“Where were you?”
“I went to the bathroom.”
The ride home, even though not long, feels like it’s a trip to India. The whole atmosphere is so uncomfortable I feel like crashing the car. But we arrive home and we walk to my room in silence where he sits down on my bed, his face so serious like never before.
“Do you still love him?” He asks, his voice low and shaky. But mostly, hurt. I meet his eyes, sitting on my desk. I exhale because even I don’t really know the right answer. Do I? “Why won’t you answer the question?”
I shrug. “I don’t know what to say,” I answer truthfully.
“Just tell me the truth, Sam.”
I take in a deep breath. “Yes.” It was a whisper, but we both hear it. I avoid his eyes, but the long deafening silence makes me look at him. His head is bowed down, and he’s staring at the floor.
After a long while, I say, “Say something. Please.” Silence. He suddenly exhales loudly and stands up, pacing around the room.
“I don’t know what to say.” That kills me. Despite the fact that I’m still in love with Nate, Chris is also a part of me and I care for him. He’s sweet and nice and has been there when I needed someone in my life. He was there when Nate broke my heart, he was here to pick up the pieces but then so was Nate.
“Chris,” I walk to him, but he moves away.
“I need to get this out of me. Sam, I think you’re great and I care about you. I think this could have been something great, but I understand that what you have with Nate is special. I understand. But I can’t be in a relationship where our interests aren’t mutual. You don’t want me the way I want you and that’s ok. I understand. But now, you have to understand that I have to walk away and that you have to let me.” I dry the tear on my cheek. He walks past me and opens the door.
“You don’t have a bus back home until tomorrow morning,” I say, meeting his sad eyes. He nods.
“I’ll figure something out. I always do. Bye, Sam.” And with that, he closes the door and leaves me alone in my room. I walk to my bed and lie down, crying. But I’m not crying because Chris broke up with me. Selfishly, I’m crying because of Nate.
He was the only good thing in my life when I couldn’t remember anything. He helped me through some tough times. I just can’t believe we’re not together anymore. He’s my soulmate.
This makes me think of one of my favourite fairy-tale, The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Andersen, where Kai has to put together a shattered mirror. Nate did a similar thing but with me. The difference was that the Snow Queen found her missing pieces on her own, I was unable to do that. And just like Kai, Nate put together all the pieces.
Out of a huge pile of tiny pieces, they both managed to make something and give it meaning.
Kai rebuilt a mirror out of realistic pieces to enable the Snow Queen to make winter the only season.
Nate rebuilt me out of metaphoric pieces to enable me to move on with my life.
The only question is which girl is Nate’s Gerda?
We all know that Gerda is the only one who never gives up on Kai, even when he becomes evil. And she is the only one who seeks for him after the Snow Queen takes him to her palace. And when Kai is unable to spell the word eternity and blows his shot to be free, the one who saves him is Gerda. She starts crying and as each tear falls down on Kai, the troll-mirror splinters that were both in his heart and his eye are burnt away.
Kai is saved by Gerda. So, does that mean that the roles have been reversed? Am I Kai and he is Gerda? Makes more sense since he’s the one that keeps coming to my rescue.
Eternity, not a hard word to spell out.
Then again eternity in Danish is evigheden.
Fifteen
My perfect lazy day has to come to an end the next day when it’s time to start getting ready for my afternoon shift. It’s still quite cold so I put on jeans and a black sweater. My hair is in a messy bun—a choice of style I’ve made a lot in the past few weeks. I simply don’t have the will to deal with my long hair being loose and all over my face. Especially while working. I went to work once with no hair band accidentally and trust me, I still regret it.
