Fresh Start, page 24
“How do you know all this?” She asked him.
“Judy’s never gone on a date with me, but that doesn’t stop us from talking from time to time and the biggest part of our conversations revolve around those kids.”
“I see.”
“I just hope Alyssa starts catching some breaks. She deserves a better hand than what she’s been dealt.”
“I think you’re right.”
“I should be on my way then.” Ken nodded and then turned to leave.
“Thank you for everything.” She meant more than just the help he’d provided with the furniture.
“Sure. Good luck.” Her motioned toward the boxes and then left.
Hannah sat on her sofa and thought about what Alyssa had gone through. So much of what they’d talked about had been about Ty and the murder. Hannah hadn’t thought about the fact that everyone Alyssa had ever loved, at least in her mind, had left her. She had Judy, but that was it. Her father died, her brother joined the military, her first girlfriend cheated on her, her second told her she didn’t love her anymore and then left her a second time when she hadn’t shown up to support Alyssa. Ty had been killed and she’d been alone.
***
Alyssa was afraid to go outside. She spent much of the morning lying in bed trying to get some real sleep since it hadn’t come the night before. She tried to focus her thoughts on anything other than Hannah, but that proved impossible and she gave up right around the time her phone rang for the second time and she rose to answer it. When she saw the name on the screen, she didn’t answer. She simply stared at the screen until the call went to voicemail. Then she noticed the three text message notifications. She read the last one and then the voicemail notification pinged and she switched over to listen to it.
“Lys, I know you don’t want to talk to me.” Rachel sighed and Alyssa recognized that tone as genuine. She’d heard it before. She’d known Rachel better than she knew pretty much anyone else. “I am sorry. I was a horrible friend to you and as a girlfriend, I wasn’t much better. At least not at the end anyway, but we had some good times, didn’t we?” She paused. “I didn’t know how to be there for you. People were telling me that you did it and the police interviewed me and they said they had evidence and I didn’t want to believe it, but I didn’t know what to think. I know that’s not an excuse and I’m sorry for that too. Please talk to me.”
***
Alyssa headed through the field five minutes before Rachel would meet her at the food truck. She wanted to be on time, but not arrive early. When she got to the stand, she stood off to the side. It was after lunch so the rush was over, but there were still five or so people at the stand looking at the fruit they had on offer. A few minutes later, she watched as Rachel’s car pulled up and parked. She waited nervously as Rachel stepped out wearing a soft, button up white shirt tucked into her jeans. Her short blonde hair was slicked back as it had been the night before. It was a more mature look for her than Alyssa had seen her in years ago when she had long, blonde hair that she rarely did anything with.
“Thanks for meeting me.” Rachel said without greeting as she put both hands into her back pockets.
“You said if I did, you’d leave me alone.” Alyssa replied with unavoidable contempt.
“I did and I will, but can we go somewhere else, Lys? This place isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Why can’t we just go to your apartment? Is your mom home or something?”
“I don’t live with my mom, Rachel.”
“Oh, sorry. I just heard that you were living with her and then you had me meet you here.”
“I have my own place, but it’s here.”
“Why can’t we go there then? Is your friend there or something?” She asked, referring to Hannah.
“No.”
“Can we just go somewhere more private then please? I can take you back to LA. We can talk on the way and then at my place.”
“I have dinner with my mom soon.”
“Can we go to our old place please?” She looked concerned as if the meeting wasn’t going exactly as she’d planned. “We can be alone there.”
Alyssa knew what she was talking about. When they’d dated, Rachel had often accompanied her home and on one drive, they’d uncovered an old, inactive water tower and one night, on a dare, Rachel had climbed it. When she made it to the top, she’d dared Alyssa to climb it and kiss her. Alyssa did and they remained up there for hours. They’d made love up there under the moon and stars that night and every trip after that, they’d returned even if it was just for a few minutes.
“Fine.” Alyssa agreed and moved to get into Rachel’s car briskly as if she worried she might change her mind.
She hadn’t been in this car before, but she’d been in many cars with Rachel and many times too. It was odd to her to find herself with her again after everything that had happened between them. Rachel seemed content not to talk while they drove, but appeared nervous as she tapped her fingers against the wheel and drove the ten minutes to the deserted gravel road that led to the water tower.
Rachel stopped the car and turned it off a few feet from the tower and looked at Alyssa. She appeared to be taking her lead and Alyssa hopped out of the car. Part of her wanted to hear everything Rachel had to say while the other part wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible.
“You first this time?” Rachel asked her when they approached the old metal ladder that had definitely seen better days. Alyssa didn’t respond. She climbed the ladder, attempting to avoid the rust and the pain that came from her strained muscles. She hadn’t run when she was in prison and she’d never engaged in the prison past time of working out because that meant coming in contact with other inmates and she’d avoided that as much as she could. She was in a woman’s prison and many of the women in there were mothers. Some of them had even lost their children because of their crimes. They didn’t have the best of intentions with someone accused of murdering a three-year-old girl. She made her way to the slight overhang with two railings that would prevent them from falling. Though, Alyssa wasn’t sure the overhang was entirely stable since she hadn’t been up there in years and it looked a little worse for wear.
She sat and hung her legs over the edge as they’d always done in the past. Rachel slid into the spot next to her, but left about a foot of space between them. Alyssa appreciated that. She had to keep reminding herself that Rachel had known her and she could recognize what she needed and Alyssa was anxious and uncomfortable right now. She needed that twelve inches between them if she was going to get through this.
“So?” Alyssa looked out over the flat land of the farmer’s fields and onto the buildings of the city beyond.
“How are you?” Rachel gripped the lower of the rails and then hung her arms over it.
“I’m great, Rachel.” She answered the stupid question with sarcasm.
“You know what I mean.” Rachel turned to look at her. “Are you okay?”
“I am far from okay. I think you know that or you would know that if you’d been around for the past two years.”
“I know.”
“How could you have told me you still loved me and wanted us to get back together when you could just stop talking to me like that as soon as something bad happened? What the hell was that, Rach?”
Rachel took a deep breath and then looked back out toward the city.
“When we were together, I felt like that was it, you know? I loved you like crazy and I thought I’d found the person I was going to marry one day.”
“So, you broke up with me?”
“I was terrified, Lys. I had this plan for my life. I had these career goals that I wanted to achieve before I even though of settling down with someone and then I met you and everything changed, but it hadn’t really. I still wanted those things and I needed to be on my own for a while to try to make them happen. You were so concerned about finding a job somewhere and then moving up and that it might take you to different cities and I just pictured myself being pulled along in that. I saw myself giving things up for you; things I’d wanted my whole life. What would have happened if you got a job in New York and then I decided to apply for law school there? I’d get started and then maybe you’d get transferred or have to move to the corporate office, which was your dream. What would I do then? Transfer mid-way through law school? What if that happened after I graduated and found a job somewhere and then you had to move then?”
“What?” Alyssa was shocked at what she was hearing. Rachel had never expressed any of this before. “We would have talked about it, Rach.” She turned to face her. “We would have dealt with it and figured it out because that’s what adults do. I never would have asked you to give up your dream for mine. We could have done long-distance or something for a while if we had to, but you never said any of this and none of that actually happened. I ended up staying in LA and so did you.” She took a deep breath. “You told me you didn’t love me.” She managed to more or less gulp out. “Do you know what that felt like?”
“I was twenty-two and scared. I didn’t think I was ready to settle down with anyone and you made me want that.” She turned and took Alyssa’s hand. Alyssa pulled away from the touch and put her hands between her legs instead, clasping them there tightly. “I thought it would be easier for you to move on that way. I thought you’d hate me and then you could find someone else.”
“But then you wanted to get back together?” Alyssa revisited. “You tried to make me hate you and then you asked me for another chance?”
“I’d been without you by then and I realized I’d made a mistake, but you’d done what I’d hoped you would do already.”
“I’d moved on.” Alyssa supplied and caught Rachel’s brown eyes.
“It hurt like hell, but I knew it was my fault so when you said you still wanted to be friends, I tried. I did. Then, you told me you were moving in with Ty and it was like I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell you that I still wanted you. I still loved you and I wanted to give us another chance. I thought you were making a mistake with him, but that didn’t matter. I knew you were too stubborn to listen to me on that one especially given our history, but I just had to let you know that I never stopped loving you.” Her eyes grew sad and Alyssa noticed the length of her long lashes for the first time in a long time. “Lys, I still love you now.”
“You don’t even know me, Rachel.” She said finally. “You haven’t seen or heard from me in over two years. A lot has happened since then. I’ve changed.”
“Me too.” Rachel offered. “I grew up, Alyssa. I finished law school at UCLA. I’m working at a firm in the city now. I know we have a lot of catching up to do and I still have a lot to make up for, but I still love you. It’s always been you for me and I think it always will be.”
“You believed them. You believed I did it.”
“No, I didn’t.” Rachel replied and moved closed to her. “Not really anyway, but I did feel like I needed to separate myself from you and I’m sorry for that. I hated what happened to you, but I couldn’t change it or fix it and they started looking around in your life and I came up. They started asking questions about us and about me and it was best if I just disappeared for a while so I did. I thought maybe that was the best thing I could do for you.”
“Disappear?”
“They kept asking if I thought you were a lesbian who realized she’d made a mistake by committing to this man.”
“They what? Who asked you that?” Alyssa’s anger returned and she turned her entire body toward Rachel.
“The cops. That prosecutor asked me if I really thought you were bi-sexual at least five times. They wanted to use that as motive since they were pushing the strained relationship angle. They showed me your recent text with Ty and they showed me our recent texts and the last one I’d sent you was-”
“That you would always love me.”
“I wasn’t helping. I was hurting your case so I thought I should stay out of it until the trial was over and you got out, but then the trial wasn’t over and you were going to be retried and it was taking forever and I just wanted you back in my life, but I couldn’t have you. I didn’t want to risk them finding out that I’d visited and try to use that against you in the next trial.”
“But there wasn’t another trial?”
“No, they let you out, but I was out of town. I had training and when I got back, I found out, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think I deserved to see you again.”
“I wish you would have told me all this back then.” Alyssa felt herself calm at Rachel’s many confessions.
“I don’t think I knew how, Lys.” She reached again for Alyssa’s hand and this time, Alyssa didn’t resist as Rachel slid her palm against her palm.
There were tingles of excitement from Alyssa at the touch. It had been so long since they’d shared a touch like this. After they’d broken up, but found a way to maintain a friendship, she’d been very careful not to touch Rachel because Alyssa still loved her even if she didn’t love her back and then when Rachel had confessed her feelings, but Alyssa had already moved on, she’d continued the practice of no significant touches between them because she didn’t want to mislead or confuse Rachel.
“Rachel, this doesn’t change anything.” Alyssa told her. “I appreciate you telling me now, I do, but it doesn’t mean we can just pick back up where we left off.”
“I get that, but can’t we at least try to start over? I know things are tense right now, but eventually things will cool off and the news will stop caring about you and what happened and then, things can, I don’t know, maybe return to normal.”
“Normal? What’s that?” Alyssa laughed.
“Lys, maybe we can’t get what we had back, but we can try again. We can get to know one another again and see if there’s still something here.” She gripped Alyssa’s hand. “I know you’ve met someone else and that maybe you guys are dating.”
“Hannah.” Alyssa let go of Rachel’s hand at the mention of Hannah. “Her name is Hannah.”
“Right.” Rachel leaned back to give Alyssa the room she’d already figured she needed.
“We met a few weeks ago when I got out and we’ve been seeing each other ever since.”
“So, it’s still new?”
“Yes, it’s new.” She scooted back and leaned against the side of the tower. “Rachel, a part of me is probably always going to love you. You were my first real love, but then you broke my heart and it took me a long time to put it back together.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Rachel slid back as well, but was still turned to face her.
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just trying to explain.”
“Okay.” Rachel didn’t seem to believe her entirely, but she seemed willing to listen.
“I don’t know. Maybe if things had been different, maybe if you would have just talked to me before you ended things, maybe we’d still be together. I don’t know, Rach, but I do know now that’s not going to happen.” She took a breath and looked into Rachel’s eyes. “I’m not that same person and neither are you. We grew up and moved on.”
“I haven’t moved on from you. I thought I would, but I haven’t.” She leaned in closer and smiled. “Do you remember how we met?”
“Of course.” Alyssa smiled back. Rachel’s smile had always been infectious.
“We were in class and you caught me checking you out.”
“You were pretty obvious.” Alyssa laughed.
“You were pretty hot.” Rachel returned with her usual swagger. “We worked our way from friendship to something more.”
“I remember.”
“Maybe we can do that again.” Rachel suggested.
“I’m in love with Hannah, Rachel.” She expressed.
“You just met her.”
“I know, but that doesn’t change how I feel about her.”
“She makes you happy?” Rachel looked down at her hands in her lap. “I used to love doing that. I hated making you sad or upset.”
“I know, Rach. And she does make me happy. I think she could at least if I would just allow her too.”
“What do you mean?”
“I might have blown it last night. I pushed her away.”
“Why?”
“Because I love her and I don’t want to bring her into this.” She shared with Rachel and she felt good doing that. Maybe it wasn’t fair to Rachel to talk about Hannah, but Alyssa had no one else to talk to about it other than her mother who meant well, but was still her mother. “It’s just a lot for someone to deal with and it’s new between us and it’s already so heavy. I feel like I should let her go find someone else.”
“Does she love you?” Rachel asked.
“She said she was in love with me last night.” She answered and Rachel laughed. “Why is that funny?”
“Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you?”
“Yes.”
“I said it and you had this internal freak out. It took like a full minute for you to say it back and I knew you were just saying it because you knew I loved you. I was pretty obvious back then. You felt like it was the right thing to do. Then, you didn’t call me for three days and I had to stalk you at your apartment.”
“I remember.” Alyssa laughed lightly at the memory.
“It wasn’t until the third time you said it that I actually thought you meant it; that I really felt it and knew we were good.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It just takes you longer than some and you push people away sometimes. That’s kind of why I’m surprised that you feel so much for her so soon.”
“I don’t know what to do, Rachel.”
“I can’t help you, Lys. I wish I could be the best friend now, but I can’t. I miss you and I want you. I don’t want you to be with her and that’s petty and selfish and I don’t deserve you, but it’s true.”
