Fresh Start, page 23
“Calm down, okay.” Hannah tried to put her hands on Alyssa’s waist, but Alyssa only opened the door and put it between them.
“That’s what my life is going to be like from now on.” She pointed toward the bar. “People looking at me like I’m a killer, people thinking you’re crazy for being with me, your staff thinking you met me in prison. Is that what you want, Hannah?”
“I told you I don’t care about any of that.”
“I do.” Alyssa’s voice grew louder. “I want you to have what you had before you saw me in there.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I watched you before you saw me. You were laughing and having fun and the moment I showed up, that changed and now people are going to look at you like there’s something wrong when the only thing wrong with you is me.” She climbed into the car and closed the door behind her.
“Al-” Hannah whimpered as she watched Alyssa drive away.
She stood in the same spot for several more minutes. She stared at the ground and then wiped at the tears that had come with silent sobs. She’d been stupid to think things would go well in there. She should have insisted earlier that Alyssa stay home or she should have gotten them both out of there right away and none of this would have happened.
“Hey, are you okay?” She heard Penny ask and looked up to see her standing behind her. She wiped the remaining tears away.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Where’s your girl?” Penny looked around. “I thought you left.”
“She drove separately. I’m going now.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Penny put her hand on Hannah’s elbow. “I’m having Dan drive me home since I’ve had a few too many. Do you want him to take you home too?”
“No, I’m fine. I only had the wine and a few sips of beer.”
“I didn’t mean because I thought you were drunk. You look upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, Penny. I’m okay. I have to make a phone call and then I’m heading home to make Alyssa and I dinner.” She convinced herself and then took out her phone for good measure.
“Okay. I’ll leave you to it then.”
“Have a good night.” Hannah dismissed and she knew it was rudely, but she had other concerns right now.
Penny walked off toward the car where Dan and his wife were waiting and Hannah stood in the parking lot pretending to dial and waved as they drove by with a somewhat unconvincing smile. After she was alone, she climbed into her car and decided to actually call someone.
“Hey, it’s late. What’s up?” Lindsey answered.
“I know. I’m sorry.” Hannah replied and knew she sounded upset, but even if she tried to hide it, Lindsey would have been able to tell.
“What’s wrong?” Lindsey’s voice snapped to attention.
“I’ve got a lot to tell you.” She filled Lindsey on her new relationship with Alyssa.
“You’re dating Alyssa Masters?”
“Yes, I am. Well, I hope I still am. I don’t know.”
“Han, what happened?”
“She’s been forced to be a recluse because of what’s happened to her and I keep getting us into situations where she gets recognized and it goes wrong.”
“What goes wrong?”
“I don’t know how to explain it, Linds. She woke up one day and found her boyfriend and his daughter dead and then she was accused of killing them. She’s been in prison for something she didn’t do for two years and now she’s got people telling her she deserves to go back.”
“I hate to ask this, but are you sure she didn’t do it?”
“Lindsey!” Hannah snapped.
“I’m sorry. I get that you like this woman, but how do you know she didn’t kill them?”
“Because I can see it.” Hannah stated it as confidently as she could. “I know that doesn’t make any sense and I probably sound naïve, but I know she didn’t do it because I know her. I can see it.”
“You’ve known her for a few weeks, sweetie.”
“I love her.” Hannah replied with just as much confidence.
“You what?” Lindsey shot back. “You just met her.”
“You told me you loved Xander after the second date, remember?”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“Because he didn’t just get out of prison for murder.” Lindsey’s voice was loud and Hannah could hear the worry in her tone. “Han, I’m sorry. I’m worried about you. You just met this girl and you think you love her and she’s messed up.”
“She’s not messed up. Other people are messed up.”
“Okay. Okay.” Lindsey tried to slow the conversation and Hannah’s raging heart appreciated it. “This is a little shocking to the old best friend here, okay? You call for the first time since you start your new job and move to your new place and you’ve got this new girlfriend who just got released from prison.”
“She didn’t do it.”
“Maybe not, Han, but she was still in prison. She still has people thinking she did do it and that’s undoubtedly going to cause some problems for her for a while. You sure you want all this? It just sounds like a lot.”
“I know, but when it’s just the two of us, Linds, when we can block all this stuff out, it’s perfect. It feels like that’s how it’s supposed to be to me and I don’t want to lose her because of these idiots that can’t shut their mouths or avert their damn eyes.”
“Hey, I’m going to come out there, okay? We talked about a visit before I get too pregnant to fly. I’ll book something tomorrow, okay? How about for next weekend?”
“You don’t have to do that? I’m okay.”
“I know. I know. It’s for me. I miss you. I haven’t seen you in forever.” Lindsey tried on Hannah’s behalf.
“I’ll let you know, okay. I need to go home and try to talk to her if she’ll let me.”
“You don’t think she will?”
“I think she’s worried about me.”
“What do you mean?”
“She doesn’t want to bring me into this whole thing. It’s why she ran off tonight. She gets protective of me like I get protective of her.”
“That’s a good thing, I think.”
“Unless this is your situation and you just want to find a way to convince your girlfriend that you don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks or say about you if it just means you get to be with her.” Hannah rambled that all off in one breath and then finally inhaled deeply.
“Damn! You’ve got it bad, girl.”
“Yeah, I do.” Hannah couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m not going to lie to you. I’m still concerned and very worried about this girl you like, but I guess I have to trust you until I can meet her myself.”
“I just hope she’s still around by the time you come to visit.” Hannah thought about losing Alyssa and it made her stomach churn and her heart sink.
“You’ll talk to her and you’ll fix things. You’re great at that stuff.”
“Well, thanks.” Hannah was less than convinced.
“I love you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know. I love you too. Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Always and please call me tomorrow and let me know how it went.”
“I will.”
“Good night, Han.”
“Night, Linds.”
She turned the car on and drove the short distance back to the apartment complex. She pulled the car into her space and climbed out. She looked up to Alyssa’s apartment, but couldn’t see any lights on. She wished she’d had Alyssa’s keys so she could just walk in her front door and climb into bed with her. She wanted to wrap her arms around Alyssa and tell her she didn’t care about any of it. She wanted to be with her. She didn’t care if they’d never left the apartment again if they had each other.
She’d forgotten to lock the car so she turned to click the remote and watch the lights flash when she noticed something strange in the field behind the apartment complex. There was one street light aiming down at a flat patch of land and Hannah could just make out what looked to be the human form sitting on the ground.
“Hey.” She made her way through the hole in the chain link fence and walked over toward Alyssa. “I’m glad you made it back okay.” Hannah sat down in the dirt next to her. Alyssa stared straight ahead. “I was worried about you.”
“You shouldn’t be.” Alyssa offered a hushed tone.
“Of course, I should be.”
Alyssa looked over at her with glassy eyes.
“No, you shouldn’t. You should get out while you still can.” She sniffled and then laughed. “It’s better if you do it now. It’ll hurt more when it happens later.”
“What are you talking about? Babe, I’m not going anywhere.” Hannah turned to face her, but didn’t risk touching her.
“When Rachel and I were together, I thought I’d found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.” Alyssa stated while still looking ahead. Hannah found herself frozen now. “I had no idea that night when she called me over to her place that she was sitting me down to break up with me.”
“Al…”
Alyssa finally turned to look at her and she could apparently no longer keep the tears in.
“It’s better if we end this now.” She spoke with an obvious tremor in her voice. “I’m not what you need, Hannah. It took everything in me to walk into that bar tonight and when I did, it took everything in me to stay for those few minutes before we left.”
“I know it’s hard right now, but-” Hannah had never had this type of conversation before. She’d never found herself trying to convince a girlfriend to stay with her. She didn’t know how to convince Alyssa that she could deal with all of it. “I’m in love with you.” She finally stated and watched as Alyssa’s eyes grew big. “I know it sounds crazy. Hell, this whole thing has been crazy. I never expected to meet someone, but the first time I saw you, I wanted more. I still do.” She slid a little closer on her knees and then took Alyssa’s hands. “I want this. I don’t know what I have to do to get it through your stubborn head, but I want this. I want you and I want us.” She sighed. “God, I don’t care, Al.” She stared up into the sky. “I don’t care what anyone thinks or says to me or about me and I do care what they say to you because it makes me furious that people who don’t know you could think that about you.” She looked back into Alyssa’s eyes and held her face in her hands. “I know you. You are beautiful, funny, resilient, brave, smart and caring. You took care of me the other night when I was the one being stubborn. You knew I needed you and you were there and you make me feel alive.” She breathed out that last word. “I was in Europe for three years.” She let go of Alyssa’s face, but slid her hands down to her chest. “I had an amazing time and I don’t regret any of it, but I’ve also been lying to myself because I was lonely. I was alone over there and as exciting as the adventure was, I was ready to come home and to find someone like you, Al; someone who makes me feel alive again and I want that.” She paused and leaned in. She pressed a gentle kiss to Alyssa’s forehead and then released her and stood. “If you want that too, you know where to find me.”
She forced herself to leave Alyssa in that field. She wanted nothing more than to hold her and kiss her and take her home so they could fall asleep next to one another and forget this whole thing had ever happened, but she knew it wasn’t her decision. Alyssa had to be the one to make the next move so instead, she walked into her apartment, locked the door behind her and tried to figure out how she’d be able to fall asleep alone after so many nights of feeling Alyssa pressed up against her as her eyes closed.
Chapter 23:
Alyssa sat in that field for another hour before the street light above her began to flicker. It felt like a decent enough representation of her life. She felt like she flickered on and off and on and off. Getting out of prison seemed like a lifetime ago already and then she’d met Hannah. She’d known it was too soon for her to date someone. She could feel it. She’d wanted Hannah from the moment she saw her, but she knew herself. She needed time to readjust. She should have trusted herself and taken that time instead of roping Hannah into this circus.
Hannah seemed so determined to make this work. She’d said she was in love. She seemed to believe they could have this thing together. She’d be willing to work through all of this external pressure to make it out on the other side intact as a couple. She stood up at that thought. They’d been a couple for less than a day and it had already gone wrong. They’d gone on one actual date together and as amazing as it had been spending the night together, that too had its difficulties.
She walked up the stairs to the apartment as quietly as she could. She didn’t know if Hannah was still awake, but she didn’t want to chance seeing her again.
She unlocked her front door and walked inside. She looked at the table in front of the sofa at the flowers they’d gotten for one another and then into the kitchen where they’d left their dishes in the sink after breakfast and lunch. She’d worry about those tomorrow. She went to her bathroom and stripped off her clothes. She turned on the shower and climbed inside. She let it burn her skin because as much as it hurt, she needed to feel something other than the numbness that had entered her brain the moment that woman spoke to them outside the bar.
When the water began to cool, she climbed out and decided not to dress after toweling off. The bed was still mussed from their earlier activities and as she fell into it, she pulled on the pillow that Hannah had used and clutched it, allowing her tears to fall as she breathed in her scent.
***
Hannah woke on Sunday morning and before her brain registered that she was alone, she rolled over and reached for Alyssa. She’d already grown so used to her being there when she woke up. She rolled over on her stomach and put her pillow over her head to try to block out the day, but even the pillow reminded her of Alyssa. It smelled like her shampoo; fruity and bright. She forced herself to get out of bed and made coffee. She went back to bed and turned on the TV. She found a movie that didn’t really interest her, but she hoped would take her mind off of Alyssa for at least a couple of hours.
When the movie finished, a furniture commercial enticed her enough to get up and out of the apartment. She couldn’t just sit around and wait for Alyssa to come knocking on her door. She had no reason to believe she even would so instead, she got dressed, left quickly and spent the next several hours in the store picking out patio furniture. When she returned with boxes that just barely fit in her car, she enlisted the help of Ken, the kind maintenance man to help her carry them up the stairs and inside her apartment.
“How are you liking the place so far?” Ken asked when he placed the last of the three boxes on the living room floor.
“It’s great and thank you for helping me with this. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have just paid for delivery.”
“It’s no trouble at all.”
“Let me tip you something.” She reached for her purse.
“Not necessary. Happy to help.” Ken lifted his baseball hat and then placed it back down atop his head.
“Wait. How about a cookie?” She remembered Judy’s cookies sitting on the table.
“Those are from Judy Masters, aren’t they?” Ken nodded in the direction of the plate Hannah now held.
“Yeah, do you know her?”
“I’ve known her for years.” He said while shaking his head side to side. “I’ve been asking her out for years too.”
“Oh.” Hannah hadn’t expected that. “And she hasn’t said yes?”
“At first, it was because of the kids and I understood that, but then they grew up and I had to get it in my thick skull that she wasn’t interested in me.” He paused. “Ah hell, why am I boring you with all this?”
“So, you must know Alyssa?” She asked curiously while offering him a cookie, which he took.
“I’ve known her for years too. It’s a shame what happened to her.”
“Yeah.”
“She’s had it rough like her mom, I think. Her dad dying when they were young and then her mom having to work a bunch of jobs to try to pay all the medical bills. Alyssa and Dean were on their own a lot.”
“You seem to know them well.”
“I’ve spent enough time with them. Dean used to help around the place when he was younger and Alyssa was a little troublemaker.”
“Why’s that?” Hannah smiled at that thought.
“She used to ride her bike in the street and the parking lot. I swear that girl almost got hit by a car once a week and then it was bouncing the basketball and causing the neighbors to make noise complaints. Then, she started running at all hours and she wouldn’t wear that reflective stuff you’re supposed to wear when she ran at night and again, she almost got hit once a week. One time, I caught her in the field with a boy.” He paused for effect, Hannah had to guess. “They were about to take things a little further than I suspected Judy would want so I shined my flashlight on them and they broke it up. Then, she goes off to college and I think I’m done having to worry about that girl and she brings home a girl and I catch them behind the tool shed about to do the same damn thing.” He sighed with exasperation and Hannah just laughed at the stories of young and rebellious Alyssa.
“She sounds like a pain in the ass.” She told him, thinking that Alyssa could definitely be a pain in the ass.
“She’s a sweetheart though. When she left for college, she came back for every break to visit with her mom and on most weekends when she could. Have you spent much time with her since you got here? She’s just next door.”
“Yeah, we’ve spent some time together.”
“So, you know about what happened to her?”
“I heard about it.” Hannah confirmed with a broken heart.
“Well, she had nothing to do with what happened to those two. I know for sure. She’d never hurt anyone. Usually, she’s the one that getting hurt.”
“What do you mean?”
“She lost her dad and in a way, lost her mom a little bit at least since Judy was always at work. Then, she gets her heart broken when that girlfriend she had cheated on her. The next one breaks up with her after they’d been together a while and then she loses her boyfriend and that little girl and gets locked away for it.”
