If I Say No, page 34
Friends: I reconnected with my London friends, not that we’d lost touch or anything. I just make more of an effort to meet up with them these days, usually at the house or somewhere local. They’re great. They understand why I don’t want to leave Nan alone for too long. Tick with Smiley Face.
Love: The toughest part of the job. Unticked.
People say you don’t need a partner to make your life complete, to make you happy, and it’s true. It really is true. The problem occurs when you get a taste of true love with someone that always stole your breath away and you can’t get the flavour out of your mouth. You crave it. Want it back. And if you can’t get it, you still want someone to love.
Hence, I searched, online and offline. I went speed-dating. I tried to find a guy. I stopped when Nan pointed out—on Valentine’s Day, actually—that I was doing what I once accused Seb of doing. I was looking for someone to settle for because I couldn’t be with the guy I loved. It would be unfair to the man I ended up dating. No one wants to be second best. Nan couldn’t hold onto her smug smile for long, though, because that’s when I finally told her about the hit-and-run. She didn’t mention Seb again.
Yet, all the arguments she’d previously made in his favour continued to ring in my ears. And the fact remained that he was young when he ran me over and has been trying to make up for it ever since.
And that I love him despite everything he’s done.
“If he truly loved you, and I believe he did,” Nan had said over Christmas Lunch, “and you still love him, what’s keeping the two of you apart?”
Some days, I have millions of answers to that question. Some days, I have no idea why we’re not together. What I told her was, “What’s keeping us apart is that he’s disappeared from my life without a trace.”
“You told him to go, Charlotte, dear.”
“I know. And I did the right thing.” He’s long over me, I’m sure.
“Then, why aren’t you happy?” she challenged. “The boy loves you. That’s all that matters in the end. Take it from someone that’s seen all the light and darkness of life. Love is everything. There’s no alternative.”
Shaking my head, I pull myself out of winter and back into spring. I need to cross the road—Sainsbury’s isn’t on the same side as the cake shop. When traffic halts and I make it across, I swear I hear someone call my name. I pause but I don’t hear anything else. I start walking again.
“Charlotte.”
I stop and turn around slowly. My breath hitches.
Seb. He’s here. Standing in the middle of the street, in all his beautiful glory. He’s outside the florist’s, but I don’t see any flowers in his hands—
The florist is directly across the road from the cake shop! He’s been watching my shop from the other side of the road. He saw me exit and walk to the pedestrian crossing and called my name once I crossed. Followed me when I didn’t turn around.
Heart racing, I stare as he covers the short space between us and looks me over. Like he needs to make sure it really is me in my tan winter coat. Though it was a bright day, the temperature’s dropped considerably now that the late afternoon sun has lost its glow.
Sucking in a deep breath, he says, “I wasn’t going to enter the shop, I swear—”
“I know.” I give him a small reassuring smile—he looks like he’s bracing himself for a tongue-lashing.
He nods, his stricken expression relaxing somewhat. “But I did want to see it from afar,” he admits, looking down at his shoes. “And I really hoped you’d be inside. That I’d see you from afar.” There’s an ache in his voice.
He still loves you, says my brain. My heart’s vibrating in my throat; my voice will tremble if I speak. Besides, I can’t think of what to say.
Seb fills the silence with, “In my dreams, I walk down the High Road everyday—and everyday, I bump into you as you walk out of the shop. And I ask for your forgiveness. For a second chance.”
Gulping to push my heart down into my chest, I open my mouth to ask how his dreams end, but no sound passes my lips. Does he walk past the shop in real life?
“I wanted to respect your decision to stay away,” he continues. Of course, he knows I’m wondering about that. “So, I haven’t even been visiting mum. I didn’t trust myself to not come down here if I was in the area.”
The shock of hearing that he hasn’t visited his mother in all this time finally awakens my voice. “What?” I snap, eyes wide.
I get why she never came into the shop despite living close by—she couldn’t face me after what he’d done. But for Seb to stop seeing her...
“You haven’t seen your mum in four months?” I sound as appalled as I feel; it was never my intention to distance him from his mother.
“Not here, no.”
I sigh in relief. They must have arranged to meet elsewhere. Good. “What brings you here today?” My voice wasn’t as casual as I’d intended.
He drags in a sharp breath. “I came to help Imran on moving day. They’re moving into their own flat. Him and Shell.”
That was not what I was expecting. “That’s nice,” I murmur when the shock passes. “When did the three of you patch things up?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“We didn’t. Today’s the first time he’s let me anywhere near him.”
“It’s a step in the right direction.” I nod encouragingly.
“I hope so,” he breathes. “We’ll never go back to how things were. We’re different people now. Things have changed too much. I just had to try and make amends.”
“I’m sure he wants to make amends, too. You and Shell weren’t the only ones in the wrong. He lied to his wife—”
“And I think that’s what Shell helped him realise. She’s really good for him.”
I choke out the word, “Yeah.”
“She was never the one for me,” he tells me in a firm tone. “I realised I was over her the moment you told me I had to stay away from you. Seeing her today, I felt nothing. It’s the truth.”
“I believe you.”
He blinks at me. “I wonder if everything I felt for her was because I wanted what my best friend had and searched for it in the wrong place. Because she was there.
“Maybe, unconsciously, I was scared of losing Imran to married life and wanted to sabotage the wedding to keep him to myself for a while longer. After all, I didn’t just want to be his brother, I think I wanted to be him. My life was fucked up and I wanted his life—”
“So, you went after his future wife?” I shake my head at the pop psychology, unconvinced.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought—”
“And come up with several theories, obviously.” I roll my eyes. “But Seb. Sometimes, there’s no deeper meaning. Maybe you fell in love with her and fell out? It happens. It’s over; does it matter why it began?”
“I guess not.”
“That’s probably what Imran thinks, too. That’s why he’s giving you a second chance.”
“We’ll see.” He shrugs. “Very few childhood friendships last forever these days. We got lucky and had a good run. My luck might run out.”
“Or not. Be positive.”
“It’s all I can do. But some things are unforgivable...” He flicks his eyes down at my legs.
“Oh, I forgave that a long time ago,” I scoff.
His mouth pops open. “You did?”
“I was angry at the stranger that hurt me. When mum got sick, she told me to let go of my anger, otherwise my heart and mind wouldn’t heal.”
I inhale deeply. Thinking about mum will never cease to bring me pain. It’s a part of me and it’s okay.
“So,” I continue, “I forgave the stranger and my anger went away. I’d already forgiven the person that broke me before I met you.”
“But you can’t forgive me for lying to you.” He nods. “You shouldn’t. I never thought I deserved forgiveness. If I did, I’d have asked for it. That’s why I wanted to do something—wanted to give you everything I could to make up for hurting you.” His voice lowers as he says, “If I hadn’t fallen in love with you, I wouldn’t have broken your heart.”
“At least, that’s over now,” I say stupidly.
“It’s not,” he insists. “I didn’t fall in love with you to fall out.”
I’m speechless, not because I don’t know what to say. I have so much to say to that and don’t know where to start.
After a long moment of staring at each other, Seb says, “I should let you get on with your day.”
My head bobs on its own. He wants to walk away? After what he just said? Well, I did greet his declaration of love with, you know, silence.
He’s about to turn around when he asks, “How’s Nan?”
“She’s good. She missed you.” Her words fill my head.
Love is everything. There’s no alternative.
“That’s sweet,” Seb says, his face brightening. “Maybe I could... give her a call some time?”
“Maybe.”
He nods in appreciation. Then, in a tentative tone, “Have you missed me?”
Before I change my mind, I nod my yes.
His eyes widen. Voice shaky from the ragged breath that escapes his mouth, he says, “Maybe I could give you a call some time?”
Words get stuck in my throat. He can see that my answer is yes. I think I’m letting him back into my life...
As though he thinks he’s going to ruin the moment by prolonging it, reverse my decision if he says anything, he decides to go while he’s still ahead.
“Then, I’ll... call you... soon?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
He doesn’t manage to give me a proper smile. I think he doesn’t quite believe what just happened. Nodding his farewell, Seb turns and walks away. I pull in a deep breath, hold it, and let it out slowly as I head in the opposite direction—
My phone rings. That’s probably Nan, wondering why I’m running late with the groceries. I take my phone out of my coat pocket and halt abruptly. Fund Manager Seb. Yeah, that’s what I saved his phone number under all those weeks ago.
Spinning around, I see him standing a few feet away, facing me, his phone to his ear. Swallowing, I answer the call.
“Is this too soon?” he asks.
“No,” I reply automatically.
“Good. I mean, thank you.”
Nothing for a few seconds. We simply stare at each other, listen to each other’s breathing through the phone connection.
Then, Seb says, “I didn’t tell you that I missed you, too. More than I’ve missed anyone in my life. You’re the one for me, Girl That Brings The Cake. I’m the boy that dreams about you every night.”
I just exhale. Loudly.
“I didn’t fall in love with you to fall out,” he tells me again. “I know you still love me. Let me—give me a chance to win back your trust. Please.”
Somehow, I find it easier to speak to him on the phone. “I shouldn’t trust you after everything you’ve said and done. I shouldn’t love you after everything you’ve said and done. But I don’t seem to have a choice in the matter.” I sigh.
I hear him gasp.
“I do have a choice when it comes to whether or not to try and trust you.” I pause for a few seconds. “And I choose to try.”
He inhales loudly. “I won’t let you down again, I swear.”
“Let’s take it one step at a time, okay?”
“Of course,” he says, laughing from joy.
I smile. “Do you think we can hang up now?”
“Sure,” he chuckles. “Sorry, I forgot we were on the phone.” He shakes his head and lowers the phone. I copy.
As he comes over, my heart starts flying. The memory of our first kiss fills my head. It was in the privacy of the shop. We’re in the middle of the street now and I couldn’t care less about the passersby as Seb comes and cups my face with his warm hands.
“I love you, Girl That Brings The Cake,” he tells me, looking into my eyes.
Swallowing, I tell him, “I love you.”
When Seb kisses me, he steals the breath from my lungs and strength from my legs. I wrap my arms around his neck to stay upright, but I know he won’t let me fall.
Before I’ve had my fill of his lips, he breaks the kiss and arches an eyebrow cheekily. Then, wrapping his arms around my waist, he lifts me off the ground and spins me around and around. I giggle, elated to get this wonderful Hollywood Movie Moment.
I lied earlier when I said Love was Unticked on my To-Do-List. It had a Massive Tick next to it since the moment Sebastian Lowe walked into my life. The final item on my job description is the one I never let myself think about because I didn’t think I’d get a chance to tick it off. Today, I have.
Seb: Tick.
The End
Thank you, dear reader, for making it to the end of this book. I hope you enjoyed it or liked at least one character in it or related to at least one of the themes it touched upon. I hope it made you feel something.
Some readers may have lost interest when they realised that Shell and Seb weren’t getting together and I’m sorry if you didn’t want this book to head in this direction. But this was the story I wanted to tell in this wedding romance: A person marrying someone they didn’t want to.
This is something that happens in all corners of the world, to people from all walks of life, and because I set Shell’s story in the culture I know best—my culture—and in the city I know best—my home, London—we’ve found ourselves in a book about an arranged marriage.
So many people in my culture—and cultures similar to mine—have arranged marriages that they didn’t want, for a wide range of reasons. Shell’s reason is very common: She didn’t want to get married because she was in love with someone else. One might say that Shell’s was a forced marriage. Someone else might argue that it wasn’t; no one held a gun to her head.
Growing up in the same culture as Shell, understanding its ways and complexities, I would say it’s not as simple as whether or not she had a choice. I think Shell made clear her reasons for choosing to marry Imran.
The thing is, I think it’s just as important to tell the stories of people that didn’t have a fairytale/Bollywood/Hollywood romance as it is to write about first loves that have a happily ever after. Reality is often bittersweet. I like to ground my contemporary fiction in real life, as I know it, as much as possible.
Real characters. Epic romance. Well, that’s the idea :)
I know some people read romance for escapism and prefer characters that are almost perfect and never make mistakes—“positive and uplifting.” However, I find myself writing about characters that are complex, have conflicting emotions, make mistakes, and don’t always know what they’re doing in life. I think a lot of people can relate to these types of characters and I believe they deserve a love story with a happy ending, too.
“Neither love nor life is like a fairytale.”
—Every Little Piece of Us (Soulmates Saga #3)
Also, if you’re wondering why we didn’t get Imran’s point of view in this book: Four POVs in the first person would have been too much, I think, and he wasn’t really doing anything LOL. Apart from fighting those battles in his head.
Now, Charlotte. I hope you enjoyed getting to know her. Will you believe me if I tell you that I have more in common with her than I do with Shell? My brother had an accident that left him with the same disability that she has, and of course, many of you know that I suffer from chronic back pain. I drew on my experiences—and my brother’s—to write a character that I hope you found inspiring, resilient, and relatable in some shape or form.
Before I sign off... did you know that I’m an independent author? I write and publish my books on my own, make my own covers, and I don’t have a marketing team to spread the word about my books. All I have is you, dear reader, to help make my books more visible to readers that want stories like mine.
Hopefully, if you enjoyed this Duology and liked the writing, you will recommend it to friends and family that might like it, too. And if you have a minute to spare, please post a rating/review at the retailer you downloaded this book from. Your review doesn’t have to be long if you’re strapped for time—just a sentence or two will do—and it will truly help me out, so thank you very much!
PS. Here’s a thread on Twitter with the soundtrack to this series >>Click to check it out<<
My other books
Contemporary musical love story with Wuthering Heights vibes and Bollywood-esque romance:
Soulmates Saga
Epic fantasy with Throne of Glass/Game of Thrones vibes:
Heir to the throne Trilogy
Fast-paced YA urban fantasy with vampires and witches:
Poison Blood Series
Witch’s Blood Series
ABOUT Me
Writing has always been my passion, though I actually did a BSc Psychology degree and worked in investments *shrug* I left my job in the City due to illness and now I write on my phone whilst lying in bed. My son was born in December 2017. Running around after him isn’t great for my health, but I can’t imagine my life without him.
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Neha Yazmin, If I Say No
