If I Say No, page 16
Me not bringing him up can be easily explained away so I had no qualms about staying quiet. I’m the bride. I’ve got loads on my mind. I’m not thinking straight. Now that Imran’s mentioned him, it will look suspicious if I don’t query his friend’s absence.
“Speaking of Seb,” I begin, though I’m not sure what I’m going to say next. “How come he’s...”
“Not around?” Imran finishes for me. I nod. “He thinks he got food poisoning from the wedding food.” He rolls his eyes.
I gasp. I hope he’s alright...
“Yeah. Nonsense, I know.” He chuckles indulgently. “He probably caught some bug elsewhere. No one else complained about the food.” A shrug. “He’s better now, though. He dropped by last night, actually, but he missed us by a few minutes. Idiot forgot we’d be coming here.” He rolls his eyes.
“Oh, that’s nice,” I mumble. “That he’s feeling better, I mean.” I think he was faking illness, though.
“Hmm. Apparently, he was acting weird. Reha’s text said, ‘He weirded me out.’ That’s our Seb. Weirding people out is his specialty.” Imran shakes his head and laughs at his joke.
I nod. I’m not surprised the guy wasn’t quite himself. It seems that Sebastian Lowe is feeling guilty about our affair and doesn’t want to face me just yet. For someone that never loved me or cared about me as much I cared about him, he sure is acting like he’s heartbroken over me.
I shouldn’t feel satisfied or happy over this. But those are the emotions wreaking havoc inside me and I am the most horrible person because of it.
Shayla knocks on my door a moment later. I open it to find that she’s brought up dessert. Rasmalai. Imran accepts it gratefully. There’s also some fancy chocolates on the tray, cupcakes, and mishti doi, which is more or less toffee flavoured yogurt. My favourite. Of course, I don’t enjoy it as much as I normally do. Thinking about Seb has suppressed the appetite I thought had returned.
Despite Imran insisting that she join us, Shayla leaves saying, “Yeah, like I’m going to be the third wheel.”
“Are you as feisty as her?” Imran asks when she shuts the door behind her. He’s on his second rasmalai now. When I shake my head, he says, “I think I might have married the wrong sister.” He grins cheekily.
“Or maybe the wrong girl altogether.” My tone was much more somber than I’d intended.
“I really don’t think so,” he says, putting the empty dish on the tray on my bed.
He gets down from the bed and kneels on the floor beside me. I’ve been sitting on the carpet and stirring my doi all this time.
“I don’t think I married the wrong anything,” Imran says and takes my free hand in both of his. “I married the perfect woman. Shell, can I take you out on a date today?”
At first, I’m stunned by his question. Then, I chuckle. “A date? We’re already boyfriend and girlfriend, remember?” I joke.
“We didn’t have a proper first date. Let me take you out. Nowhere too far. Just Green Street. You like Green Street.”
“To shop for Indian clothes, yes, but a date?”
“Come on, it’ll be fun.” He makes a cute pouty face that makes me giggle.
We’re falling into easy conversation, like we did on the day we first met. Hardly any awkwardness. Interesting.
“Yeah, okay,” I say. “But I get to choose where we eat.”
“Deal.”
“Good.” Coz there’s no way I’m going to the restaurant we went to with Seb when I chose my engagement ring.
Chapter 62
Charlotte
Though the situation didn’t call for it, I threw my arms around Seb when he walked into the shop this evening. I was happy to see him and not afraid of showing it. If that scares him off, so be it. He isn’t worth it.
I’m pretty sure, though, that it won’t chase him off. I get the feeling that he’s in need of some affection. Perhaps he thinks he’s going to be shoved to one side now that his best friend is married. Plus, he hugged me back. Tightly.
“I missed you, Girl That Brings The Cake,” he said with a smile when our bodies peeled apart.
He obviously wasn’t worried about scaring me off. It made me feel light and fluffy, like the inside of a fairy cake.
“How you feeling?” I asked, looking him over.
Silly, really. As if I’d be able to tell how his internal organs were doing by appraising his knitted black jumper and light jeans. Hmm, maybe I like him better in suits, I thought. But there was no reason for him to be wearing his office clothes on a Saturday.
“I’m fine,” he told me. “Now that I’m with you.”
There was something so genuine and vulnerable about his words and voice that I couldn’t find it cheesy. I didn’t laugh. My heart started racing. I can’t believe this guy walked into my shop, wanted to invest in it, and ended up investing his time and emotions in me. I hope he doesn’t make a loss.
I hope I don’t make a loss.
“So,” he went on, looking around the shop, “you’re ready to leave?”
“Yup.”
“Wanna come see the house I grew up?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that for some time. He raised his eyebrows, waiting.
“Sure. Is your mum gonna be there?”
“I hope so. Who else is going to feed us?”
Answer: We were going to feed ourselves. Because when we drove to his childhood home and were about to ring the doorbell, his mum opened the door from the inside. She was about to go out.
“I told you last night,” she said to him. “I’m meeting the girls.”
“Oh, yeah.” Obviously, he knew she wouldn’t be home.
Thankfully, Seb’s mother keeps her fridge well-stocked and he found the ingredients to make us a simple pasta dish for dinner. He brought a chair from the dining room so I could sit and watch as he got to work.
As I sip on the tea he made me, I find it mind-boggling that a guy is making me dinner. I’m so used to distributing my baked goods to neighbours, friends, and boyfriends that it’s a treat to have someone make food for me. I wish it didn’t have to be carbs, but pasta is the only dish Seb can cook well.
“What?” he asks as he stirs the tomato sauce on the stove. “You’re staring.”
“I’m learning.” Learning the lines of his body, the shapes his mouth makes as he concentrates on the pan, the rhythm to which his eyes blink.
I’m such a sucker for him.
“Like you don’t know how to make pasta in tomato sauce.” He shakes his head.
“I’m also thinking about what you said about the shop.”
On the short drive here, and while he chopped the onions and tomatoes, he summarised all the things he’s organised for my business.
New website: He’s hired a developer to sort it all out.
New service: Selling made-to-order cakes online.
New look shop: He’s liaising with builders about the refurbishment works. Seb’s had the designs and plans for a while now.
New staff member: To do the majority of the work so I won’t have to.
And a few other things to boost sales.
“Really?” he asks. “You’re not thinking about what I promised to tell you?”
Surprised by the sudden change in topic, I blink for a few seconds. “That, too...”
“Liar.” He grins crookedly but it doesn’t touch his eyes.
“Well, do you want to tell me now...?”
A long intake of breath later: “I think we should eat first.”
“Okay.” I almost burn my mouth with a big gulp of tea.
Seb dunks the boiled farfalle into the red sauce.
Chapter 63
Shell
I’ve never been to this restaurant before. It’s on a side street off Green Street. I chose it because it was the first non-visited place I saw when Imran was done buying gifts. Gifts for the women in our households—and for Charlotte. I couldn’t pick her present fast enough so that we could stop talking about her.
He kept referring to Charlotte as Seb’s new girlfriend.
And he bought her a gift because she came to the wedding with Seb and his mum. I had no idea!
As the waiter of this cosy little Indo-Pakistani restaurant walks away with our drinks order, Imran asks if he can hold my hand.
I roll my eyes. “You took my hand without asking when we were shopping...”
“Your hands were cold. I was trying to help.”
“They’re warm now.” His hands have warmed them up.
“That’s why I’m asking if I can hold them for pleasure.” He holds up his right hand.
I place my hand on his and he squeezes it ever so gently. It’s easier to go along with this. And his hands are warm. Holding them doesn’t bother me. Of course, I don’t feel a spark when we touch, no heat. But he has a calming effect on me, which keeps my negative emotions at bay.
Chapter 64
Seb
“I’m not sure where to start,” I mumble. We’re on my mum’s luxurious sofa, the lights dim, our bellies warm from the pasta, and it’s time to reveal my secrets.
“It’s got something to do with a girl, doesn’t it?” Charlotte asks and I nod.
Mum says that when she’s upset, she cries harder when people start comforting her. Once, she told me that it might be to get more comfort. In the same way, did I eventually decide to share my truth with Charlotte so that she gives me more strength? Because I really did take courage from her when she called me the day after Imran’s wedding.
Stupid, really, that I’m only just beginning to wonder if my truth will push her away. Maybe that’s what should happen? No. Not yet. I hope this doesn’t backfire too badly. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I really have no idea what I’m doing.
All I know is that I want to tell her my secret and I’ve never felt like this before. Not even with Shell. The truth won’t hurt Charlotte—it has nothing to do with her—and she needs to know before she gets too attached to me.
“Are you not over her or...?” Charlotte’s question snaps me to attention.
I almost say, If only it was that simple. Which is so not the right thing to say. My messed up head is not ready to have a conversation with another human. But it’s too late to back out.
“Oh, I’m over her,” I scoff under my breath, staring into the mug of tea in my hand. “But I’m never going to get over what she did to me...”
“This is about your scars,” she whispers.
“Yes,” I whisper back.
Chapter 65
Shell
The food arrives and we start serving ourselves the different curries Imran ordered. He went a little overboard, to impress me, no doubt. This is supposed to be our “first date”, after all. We haven’t mentioned Charlotte since sitting down. I want to know if she really is dating Seb and at the same time, I don’t think I’d be able to handle talking about her. I might give myself away.
“What do you think?” Imran asks, gesturing at my plate.
“Yummy so far.”
“We never go for an Indian when we eat out,” he says as he dips a chunk of naan into the dollop of lamb bhuna on his plate. “But this is Green Street, so...” He shrugs.
“We’re the same,” I say. “We eat so much curry at home, it’s nice to eat other cuisines when we go out.”
“Right! But then we keep going to Turkish grill places.” He rolls his eyes.
“Exactly.” I chuckle once.
For the next few minutes, we discuss our favourite Turkish eateries and the dishes that our families like. A pattern I’ve noticed with Imran: He talks about his family a lot. To get me to see them through his eyes, I suppose. I’d rather see them through mine. It’s clear that Reha’s his favourite and that his brother is... They’re not that close. Arun is so quiet; most of the time, I forget he’s in the room. I wonder if his... aloofness is one of the things that makes Didi so sour.
Somehow, we end up on the topic of how well I think this date is going and Imran asks me to rate it out of 10.
“The food or the venue or—”
“The whole package,” Imran says with a challenge.
“I’m not sure how to do that...”
He sighs. “Okay. I’ll rate it.” He thinks for a few seconds and says, “Nine out of ten.”
“Wow—”
“Because I’m with you, obviously.” He smiles so warmly that I think my heart would have melted from it. If my heart didn’t already belong to someone else. “It’s not ten out of ten because of me,” Imran adds, faking disapproval. “I haven’t found a way of telling you what I’ve been thinking all day.”
My heart thuds, fearing the worst. “What?”
“I’ve been thinking about what you said... about waiting...”
“Have you changed your mind?” I start panicking.
“No, no,” he insists. “I just feel bad that I wasn’t more supportive.”
“You were. You agreed immediately.”
“Yes, but I was too stunned to realise what I’ve realised now: It’s a really good idea. I should have suggested it. Us men, we’re not that considerate, are we?” He shakes his head at himself. “You made me see just how awkward it must be for the girls in arranged marriages to...”
I’m kinda touched that he’s trying to understand our viewpoints. He’s quite sweet, really. How will he feel if he knew that I might not have made that special request if I hadn’t fallen in love with his best friend?
“Of course, it’s completely halal in Islam,” he goes on, “because we’re married, and it’s consensual in the majority of the cases. But if you didn’t have the courage to talk to me about it... If you agreed to do it because you were too shy to ask me to wait... I’d have died—”
“It’s alright,” I assure him. “Don’t beat yourself up for something you didn’t do.”
“I’m so thankful you told me.” He sounds it.
Guilt starts creeping into my head and my heart starts cracking.
“Promise me that you’ll always be honest with me.”
I gulp. “I’ll try.”
Chapter 66
Charlotte
Ever have one of those moments when you feel like you’re watching yourself in a movie? You’re starring in the film but it doesn’t feel like you’re in the scene. That’s how I feel as Seb tells me about his first proper girlfriend. From Uni.
“I had a few girlfriends in school and college,” he says. “But they weren’t real, you know?”
I nod. You don’t become real at that age, so how could your relationships be?
“She... Taiba was real,” he whispers.
“I’ve never heard of that name…”
“She’s Pakistani.” He sips his tea and lowers the mug to his lap. Staring at the drink, he says, “I thought it was love at first sight, you know?” I think he rolls his eyes.
“You’re saying ‘you know’ a lot...”
“Sorry.”
“And love at first sight isn’t possible,” I say quite firmly.
“At the time, I’d have disagreed,” he says with a sarcastic chuckle. “I saw her and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I wanted to be with her. Know everything about her. I thought I was in love.” A deep sigh. “I went up to her and started chatting her up. I failed—I was so nervous, you know?”
Again with the ‘you know’. He’s really nervous now...
“My heart was racing, making my voice shake. How was that not love?” Sarcastic again.
Still, I say, “That sounds like ‘insta-lust’. Which is very common. It’s what makes us want to date someone. But it’s not love, Seb.”
“I know that now—”
“But you ended up falling for her, right?” I don’t want to hear him admit that, so I say it for him.
How stupid of me to try and prove that he didn’t fall for this girl at first sight when he obviously did with time? How stupid of me to be jealous of someone he got over?
Without answering my question, Seb tells me, “We were together for a while.”
“And then?” I probe when he doesn’t continue.
“Someone else became involved—”
“What? Seb, you didn’t cheat on your girlfriend!”
I’m not surprised. Deep down, I think I knew he was a bad boy trying to go straight. A cheater, like my father...
“It was one night,” he says quietly. He does sound quite cut up about it. “Taiba and I were fighting. We weren’t sure whether we were on or off. Still no excuse, I know. I regret it so much. What made things worse was that... Seema... was a close friend to both of us.”
“Seema’s an Indian name,” I blurt out; I met a Seema once. Saying that name took a lot out of him. “You played two best friends—that’s so wrong, Seb.” I shake my head.
I don’t like what I’m hearing. I don’t like Uni Seb. Fund Manager Seb is better. I wish he’d look at me and see how disgusted I am. But he hasn’t lifted his head once. He doesn’t want to face me.
“I didn’t even know she liked me like that,” he mumbles. “She was hoping that Taiba and I wouldn’t sort things out. When Taiba and I made up, she told her.”
“And all hell broke loose.”
“All hell broke loose,” he repeats. “On me.”
Chapter 67
Shell
Imran orders kulfi—Indian ice cream—and asks the waiter to pack our leftovers to take home. He also orders some fresh naan for Shayla.
“That’s not necessary,” I say as the waiter walks away. There’s enough curry left over to feed my entire family. “You’ve already spent so much money on the gifts.”
“Don’t be silly,” he says, smiling. “I’d do the same if we were going back to my house. As for the gifts... I won’t get many opportunities to buy presents for these people, so it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
